Teenage groupie….XXXI

Lance donned an especially cheery face as we arrived at the Stardust hotel that Stef danced. He had tricked me into thinking we were there just to review a new dance group he wanted to sign onto his management company then next to the surprise, obediently I went along for the ride. We took a double suite at the Excalibur hotel and drove down to Stardust to watch the show that evening. Somehow I knew something was up, you could tell from his “oh so innocent” smile.

Her act was called, “Ladies in Waiting” and after waiting for several ladies to prance around topless, a sight that I had to practically spend all night shielding Lance’s eyes from, it was finally time for Stef’s ladies in waiting to take the stage.

Her act started off fully dressed, in the skimpy tights, high heels and large flamboyant headdress with brightly colored feathers at the top. They waited on a man as he supposedly undressed from work. He started off with a suit and a briefcase like he had actually returned from the office. The four of them waited on him and picked up his clothes one after the other as he undressed. They would each do a little dance with each item of clothing they had collected at the end they would take their tops off and prance around the stage with the man carefully clad in his boxers.

It was horribly cheesy and very distasteful. As I looked over at Lance embarrassed, he kept his enthusiastic smile affixed to his face making me wonder why, was he trying to keep me from losing my nerve? These ladies were not from a musical group Lance would possibly be interested in, they were topless dancers with little or no talent. Why were we here?

That was when I caught sight of Stef and everything fell into place once she made her entrance. She had her smile plastered on her face to negate any hint of displeasure at such a debasing job. Her bosoms looked fuller than mine, than I had known her with not so long ago, like she had had a boob job. But I cast that thought away, Stef hated needles and hospitals so much she wouldn’t go under the needle to just to enhance her breasts. Every other part of her still looked the same; her thighs were still slender, her teeth were nicely capped, a product of the more fruitful days in my family, and her facial bones were especially prominent, almost like that of a goddess’.

Almost too embarrassed to admit, I damned the consequence, leaned over to Lance and indicated which one amongst these brash women was my sister. He smiled back, pretending he didn’t know and whispered, “You look nothing alike.”

Don’t I know that? I was a smaller vision of Stef’s reflection in the mirror. I was about half her height and my round faced chubby smile had no semblance to Stef’s defined one.

When the show was over, no one was as relieved as I was to leave the arena. I briskly clutched Lance’s hand leading him towards the door. He refused politely, urging that it would be rude to leave without saying a word of hello, even if it was to say we enjoyed the show, which was a lie, we hadn’t.

He led me backstage where his manager had somehow secured a meeting with Stef.

“A meeting?” I gasped. Someone would think she was some sort of celebrity. I snorted under my breath as I thought what would be suitable at a meeting like this. Hi, Stef, so this is where you ended up after abandoning me in Daddy’s lustful waiting arms. It would have been nice if you had informed me that he was such a brute, the kind of brute that ravages his daughters. It would have been nice if you had taken mama or me with you on your journey. Did you hear that he died, yes, he died, he had to die, that’s the way the equation works, one of us has to give in, and it had to be him? What’s worse is that it was mama. Did you know that…do you believe that…and they thought it was me…they still do, and they arrested me, and these nice friends I have bailed me out, did you know all that? You should have been there Stef, why are you never there when I need a big sister, why do you have a habit of being unavailable for me?

What would I say to Stef that would come out nicer and sugarcoated than I originally intended? How does one conceal her bitterness? Why feed people a lie they don’t need to know? At least she got what she wanted, her name in lights, and people cheering her name even if it was for purely sexual gratifications. Who says you don’t get your dreams in life?

As he knocked on the door, my heart started to race for the first time that night. I was now edgy and panicky with my palms breaking out in sweats as I awaited my sister, Stef. We heard a rude impatient voice ask us to let ourselves in.

Lance left me at the door, and urged me to go in without panic. “Comon, go in. I’ll be right outside okay.” He kissed me goodbye warmly, hugging me for solace for a few seconds before I stepped in with a deep breath.

Stef was seated on her dressing table backing the door. The room was small, about a cubic sized width, fit only for two people on the dressing table and one behind assisting them, if need be. The dressing table had huge light bulbs lighting its mirror that was half-chipped at the corners. Scattered bits and pieces of her make-up and costumes lay on it and a medium-sized blue vanity case perched open in front of her. She lit up a cigarette as I entered the room, and cursed out loud when she exhaled. The Stef I knew never smoked, who was this?

“I hope you don’t mind my smoking,” she excused, without looking at me.

I walked towards her on the table the room was so small it took only a few steps to get to her. She was still in the bottom half of her costume but her on- stage bare chest had been covered up by an old small red tee-shirt that read: “superstar in gold studs”. I thanked God I hadn’t come in with Lance; I would have hated him to see her in this state offstage.

“Stef…” I spoke, standing over her, my face visible from the mirror, aware that she would recognize my indistinguishable voice.

The stick of cigarette fell from her mouth, staring at me aghast not knowing what to make of the image that stared back at her. I could see faint lines of recognition forming on her face, she squinted her bulgy eyes to stare harder and then she chewed her lips angrily, put the stick back to her mouth and looked up at me with confidence.

“I’m not going to see Mama, if that’s why you’re here,” she spat, puffing into the air with accelerated venom.

I held my breath, afraid to breath out my anger. She knew? She knew that mama was arrested and she continued to dance here like a shameless whore without bothering to see her. “Stef…can’t you at least say hi to me…a hug…a smile anything?” I remarked, still shocked by her rude, cold reception.

“What for…I still see your damn face in my dreams everyday, it’s almost like I never left,” she continued, finishing up her cigarette. She pushed her vanity case closer to retrieve her make-up removal kit. “So how’s your skinny little ass been? The police think you struck dad, killing him.”

I hummed my answer, which was nothing. I didn’t want to discuss that. Did I strike him? She wouldn’t care even if I had said I did.

She turned back to glance at me, her eyes examining me closely. She started from my hair down to my feet, lingering on my breasts. I was sure she was surprised at how full they had become over the past few years, the last time she saw me I could go without a bra, and they wouldn’t even jingle, now I dared not. She turned back to the mirror, saying nothing of her observation.

“You put on a little weight…whacha you’ve been eating?”

I still had no reply. I felt my apology, explanation, or nice to see you hug was long overdue by now. I tore up inside me wishing that I had not come here like Lance wanted. We were better away from each other, that bridge was better broken. By this time, my legs were ready to leave any minute.

She continued to bicker as she wiped her face with a cotton ball. “Are you the one with the *Nsync guy?”

I nodded, blankly, surprised that I was paying attention.

“Shit, I thought he wanted to see me,” she spat. I saw her look up at me from the mirror as she slowly peeled off her fake eyelashes. “If you’re waiting for a kind word from me Nikki you’re well out of luck. Just go back to where you came from, Georgia, Los Angeles, anywhere, I don’t fucking give a shit. I’m through with you guys…I thought I could leave all your asses fucking behind, and now that I’ve done some little good for myself, you all come running back looking for me. I’m not going to see mama and I’m not going to take you in, give you a hug or some comforting shit like that. I’ve lost all touch with that…so baby girl if that’s what you came for, you better leave now.” Stef’s voice held so much anger and pain at the same time as she spat the words one after the other. Suddenly, I was angry I hadn’t made my aggravations known before she did. Why did I come on so nice, if I hadn’t she wouldn’t have cause to say these nasty words to me.

I could tell that this must have been my approach to life and people just before all the love and intense psych evaluation I had accumulated in the past few months turned me into a wet rag. Was I this cold, and venomous? Was I? I thought. Hearing someone else speak that was actually family speak this callously to me gave me a clearer representation of myself.

I stood there nervously, my heart thudding with each angry word that flew out of her mouth. “Stef…he did it to me too…last time I checked there was both of us in that family…and the second you left he turned to me so don’t think I don’t have an ounce of your pain and anguish, I have them all too much…” I revolted at her, unable to contain my contempt any longer.  “Do you think I came here to come back to your life…to beg you…I feel bad that you would think that. And I feel bad that you don’t want me in your life…all you’ve ever done all your life was walk out on me. I can see this was a bad idea.”

Someone barged in through the door, a lady carrying a crying child walking past me heading towards Stef. I couldn’t tell if she was a showgirl like the rest of them, because she was decently dressed in nice casual jean wear with conventional make-up. A baby carrier bag was strapped across her shoulders.

“Here, Stef, Little Nichole’s been crying all night. I tried calling you but Big Jack said you were with a customer.” She immediately handed the baby to Stef and gave me a once over with her eyes. Certainly, I didn’t look like a customer. “I gotta start my shift in about an hour, I need to get dressed.” She looked at her watch busily like she was on a time machine.

Stef nodded, pecked her and thanked her profusely as she cradled the baby in her arms. “What time do you go onstage, Chris?” she asked the girl.

“By 2am, until morning. You’re lucky you have these hours Stef, truly you are. It’s crazy then, all the men are drunk and wanna nab everything in sight, they don’t care if it’s real or not.” The lady remarked, adjusting her face in the mirror.

“Yeah, but I got little Nikki here to keep me up,” Stef said planting baby kisses on the baby’s ruby cheeks, for some strange reason it had stopped crying.

The lady kissed the baby fondly, hugged Stef again, and successfully ignored me on her way out of the dressing room.

I stood there watching Stef play with the baby, kissing her, rocking her, and adjusting its baby clothes. The baby had a round face, stubby nose and bright blue eyes, unlike Stef’s and mine’s that were a plain dark brown from our father. I couldn’t help remembering the name the lady had called the baby, “Little Nichole”, Nichole, my name. Wow! So Stef had named her baby after me. That was absurd, completely opposite of what I had seen and thought of Stef a minute ago. How could someone who acted like she didn’t care if I lived or died the next minute turn round and name her offspring after me? People don’t do that, do they?

She looked up at me intermittently, whilst feeding the baby, our eyes meeting halfway. “Are you still here?…Well, I know what your probably thinking…yes she is mine, and no it’s not daddy’s thank God…although her father isn’t any better either…Brad skipped on me the second he found out I was pregnant, and he couldn’t get decent plumbing work in Vegas…found himself a sugar mummy…so my skinny, broke pregnant ass was history…very few things a girl can do in Vegas and one of them is dance…the only option and the easiest.” She forced a smile at the baby and it replied her with a wide toothless one that could melt an assassin. Little Nichole had the best smile, better than her aunties.

Moved, I stepped forward unsteadily, unsure what the right thing to do was. My hands ran down Stef’s brunette mane, stroking it gently with my fingertips. Nothing came out of my mouth, nothing could. At times like this, sorry you had a tough life didn’t seem appropriate. I totally understood where she had come from, what she had been through, how alone she must have felt because I had been through it too. The fear, the uncertainty, the self-sacrifice to obtain food or lodging for the next day. I knew it all was a summation of the past year of my life. My strife was identical to hers except that I had gone through it without having a baby to care for, an extra mouth to feed or think about, and certainly without having the anguish of a boyfriend running out on me. Instead I had run out on them once I tired of their groping sex.

“I gotta go,” I barely muttered. Stef ignored my answer as she continued to rock the baby to sleep. I bent down and planted a gentle kiss on little Nichole’s supple, innocent face feeling her softness touch my skin. She looked up at me and gave me a grateful smile that made me weak to the knees with devotion. I wished I could stay, if for no other person but for her, to spend more time with her, to know my little niece. “Take care of yourself, Stef.” I stroked her hair some more. “I’ll see you sometime, I guess.”

Stef didn’t look up at me as I made my way to the door, she was bust pretending my visit hadn’t happened but once the door opened up I could feel her eyes watching me as I opened it to let myself out. I wished she would say something, even if it were just a faint goodbye, but she didn’t, she ignored me and kept on with her baby, acting like I had never really been there, like I was transparent. Needless to say, Stef’s visit wasn’t a joyous one.

I met up with Lance outside at the parking lot as he was eagerly anticipating an exciting tale of sisterly reunion from me. His wide-eyed smile met with my tear-filled one and he immediately cradled my face in his hands, peering into it for some sort of explanation.

“Just take me home, Lance,” was the only reply I could manage. He obeyed, and instantly ordered the limo drover to drive us back to the hotel. That night I lay on the bed, by myself, begging for my space as I quietly cried myself to sleep.

/“Hay Jaded, U got your mama’s style, but your yesterday’s child to me, so Jaded, U think that’s where it’s at but is that where it’s supposed to be, you’re getting it all over me/ EX-ER-ATED/…you’re so jaded, but I’m the one that jaded you…/ words and lyrics by Aerosmith….

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