This morning Stef comes into the house, after her late night out. She picks up her bag from our bedroom, and she begins to pack. She is in a hurry, as she forces the clothes into her bag. I watch her from the corner of the room, and I am moved to ask where she is going but I don’t. So I sit curled up, touching my toes, watching her plan her brave exit. The truck honks and she yells out to the driver that she would only take another minute. She starts to rip off her posters from the wall, she takes every poster but the one with the five men in white, she asks if I want that, and I nod. She smiles at me and leaves that one poster for me. All packed, she comes up to me in the corner, and kneels to talk to me. She begs me to understand, that she would have loved to take me with her, but Brad, her plumber boyfriend doesn’t want any extra baggage. She asks me to be strong, to be brave and to take care of mama and that he first move would be to come for me. She says that she loves me dearly and she always will. She wishes that she could do something to make him stop but she is helpless towards our affliction. She hopes that by leaving, he would eventually stop: stop the hating, stop the drinking, and stop the molesting. I nod as the tears trickle down my face. I have no way to express what I feel, except to watch her footsteps as she leaves.

I hear her get on Brad’s truck and they drive off. This is the day it all begins for me.

He comes home upset and bitter that Stef had left the house without his knowledge. He growls all evening, and he gives mama a dosage of his fury that sends her down for the count. Then, he turns to me, crawled up in my corner, still as lifeless as Stef left me that afternoon. He asks me to come inside with him and I do so out of curiosity and fear to register my opposition. He places me carefully on him and mama’s bed and starts to fondle parts of me that only Stef had got to see, his hands invading and painfully repulsive. I aim to scream but my mouth is numb, my feet are weak to run and my head is filled with colors that distort my vision. Mama awakens and comes in weeping. But he is already done. Mama screams, “Leave Nikki alone, leave Nikki alone…”

“Leave Nikki alone, Leave Nikki alone,” I chanted in my sleep completely unaware that I was having one of my frightful nightmares. I felt hands nudge my body and I screamed, a sharp screeching noise that got me to awaken in a daze, sweaty and out of breath.

Nick jumped, “Nikki, Nikki, are you okay.” He grabbed my arms and started to soothe me. “Nikki, it’s okay, it’s me. It’s okay.” He rubbed off the beads of sweat on my temples. “You were having a night mare. Don’t worry I’m here.” I caught sight of his soft blue eyes, and I could see that he was genuinely afraid and concerned for me.

My body was drenched in sweat, so he immediately pulled off the nightshirt I had on revealing the black underwear I had underneath. He wiped off my sweaty body with the nightshirt and cradled my head in his chest, and slowly I was brought to consciousness.

I held my heart to stop it from beating so fast. This was the third nightmare in 2 days. Now I knew something was definitely wrong with me. He asked to get me some water, but I declined. “Just hold me Nick, please. Just hold me,” I cried, tears flowing from my eyes.

Nick shielded my face with his large hands, and as he slowly tried to comfort me, he said, “You’re gonna tell me what this is all about?” He asked. I could hear his voice echo inside his chest.

I wiped my tears off slowly, “No, I’ll tell you in the morning. I promise.”
My hoarse voice was hardly recognizable to me. I felt Nick nod reluctantly.
“Nick,” I continued, “Was I ever like that…like that girl, Vikki? I mean did I look that desperate?”

A beat. “No, Nikki, you had something special,” he replied, solemnly as he began to rock me on the bed, my head carefully positioned on his comforting chest. He stroked my hair gently all night until I finally fell asleep. My heart slowly found its peace and I drifted off.