Warning: This fanfiction contains lime and WAFF elements, general silliness, fourth wall violations, and a larger-than-strictly-necessary dose of postmodernism. Those disturbed by such things would do well to avoid it. *************** Asuka was beginning to grow very tired of sitting by her guardian and her fellow pilots on the bank, and of having nothing to do; once or twice she had peeped into the cooler her guardian was currently preoccupied with, but it had only tinned Yebisu in it, "and what is the use," Asuka thought, "of a beer which isn't German, and tastes of aluminum besides?" So she was considering in her own mind (as well as she could, which was very well, of course) whether the pleasure of teasing Shinji would be worth the trouble of dealing with Wondergirl (who was of course sitting beside him, staring off into space), when suddenly a white rabbit with pink eyes ran close by her. There was nothing so _very_ remarkable in that; nor did Asuka think it so _very_ much out of the way to hear the Rabbit say to itself "Oh dear! Oh dear! I shall be too late!" (After all, she lived with a beer- drinking hot-springs penguin); but when the Rabbit actually _took a watch out of its waistcoat pocket_, and looked at it, and then hurried on, Asuka started to her feet, for it occurred to her that she had never encountered an animal with such an archaic taste in both clothing and timepieces. "Baka-Shinji!" she said, with quite an imperious air (for it was Asuka's belief that her subordinates must be dealt with most firmly), and when he did not answer her she pulled the earphones off his head and repeated herself. "Yes, Asuka?" he said groggily, for he had been asleep, and enjoying quite a vivid dream of a world where Misato and Asuka did their fair share of housework, his history teacher talked about something other than Second Impact, and his father took them all fishing every Saturday. Rei had just been praising his angelfish tempura, and he was less than pleased to have been awakened. "Baka-Shinji, I just saw a rabbit wearing a waistcoat and carrying a pocket watch. We are going to chase it" she said crossly, thinking to herself "the pervert was probably dreaming about a threesome with me and Rei...hmmmm...I wonder if he ever has the one where we tie him to the bed..." "And why are we going to do this?" Rei said, in the flat tone which indicated she was intensely curious (which was not to be confused with the flat tone which indicated she was tired, nor with the flat tone which indicated she was hungry, nor with the flat tone which indicated she was homicidally enraged). "Because rabbits don't usually wear waistcoats or carry pocket watches, Wondergirl!" "It might be a new fashion." "Arghh! Let's go." Asuka seized Shinji by one hand and Rei by the other, and ran across the field, dragging them along, just in time to see the rabbit pop down a large hole under the hedge. In another moment down went Asuka with her fellow pilots after it, never once considering how they were to get out again. The rabbit hole went straight on like a tunnel for some way, and then dipped suddenly down, so suddenly that Asuka had not a moment to think about stopping (Shinji, on the other hand, had over thirty seconds) before she found herself and her comrades falling down what seemed to be a very deep well. Either the well was very deep, or they fell very slowly, for Asuka had plenty of time to look about her, and to wonder what was going to happen next. Her college education in physics told her that they were likely to land with a great thump, but she did not know fear (although perhaps they had a passing acquaintance). Shinji, on the other hand, had closed his eyes and was murmuring something about the Amida Buddha. Rei was looking about with great calm, but then again she always was doing that. Asuka ignored them, and instead she tried to look down and make out what they were coming to, but it was too dark to see anything; then she looked at the sides of the well and noticed that they were filled with cupboards and bookshelves; here and there she saw maps and pictures hanging on pegs. She took down a book from one of the shelves as they passed; it was labeled "Secrets of the Angels Revealed," but to her great disappointment it was about some sort of sports team, so she threw it at the wall. Down, down, down. Would the fall never come to an end? "Falls usually do." said Rei. "What was that?" asked Asuka, feeling rather peeved, for she did not much like the idea of the blue-haired girl being able to read her mind. "Why," Asuka thought, "she might even find my most secret desires, and that would never do." "I said that falls usually do end. And do not worry; I will not tell anyone of your secret wish to experiment with menage a trois in the entry plug of Unit 02." Asuka snarled something quite unprintable, but she had no need to fear, for Shinji was not listening, being greatly consumed with fear of reincarnation as a tree sloth. Down, down, down. There was nothing to do, so Asuka briefly considered talking, before she realised that neither of her companions was likely to provide any decent conversation. Instead she looked at the maps and pictures and wondered why big-eyed crying boys and some place called Lancaster, Ohio were so very important. "You won't die, Ikari-kun," Rei said. "We will protect you." "Who's we, Wondergirl?" Asuka replied, when suddenly, thump! thump! down they came on a heap of sticks and dry leaves, and the fall was over. Asuka was not a bit hurt, so of course Shinji had no business just lying there. She took him by the hand and pulled him to his feet. When he opened his eyes and said "Asuka? Is this the Pure Land?" she threw her arms around him and gave him a quite big and sloppy kiss before thump! thump! dragging him back down to the sticks and leaves (which were actually quite soft and pleasant). *************** "Wait just one minute here!" Asuka screamed at the author. "What's all this about? Using Shinji as a vehicle for your own twisted desire to become one with me?" "Asuka," replied the author, "if I were interested in anyone in Evangelion, it would be Misato, seeing as how she's very sweet and close to my age, whereas you are a vicious little creature and jailbait besides." Asuka pouted. "I am not jailbait!" "Maybe not in Tokyo-3, but where I come from you certainly are." "That's not a very nice thing to say to a girl. You've hurt my feelings. Why don't you use Kaji-san for an avatar and make me feel all better?" "I thought you were just complaining about my 'using Shinji as a vehicle.'" "That's because it's Shinji. When I make passionate love with him, I want it to be for re... Oh my, it's too early for me to say that." "I won't tell anyone." "Thanks. Look, could you drop the Lewis Carroll thing? The parentheses make my head hurt, and the sentences are too long, and I really don't like the way that my thoughts are in double quotes. And I don't even want to think about how the lemon scene is going to come out." "Lemon scene, Asuka?" She blushed. "If there... should happen to be one. When, uh, Kaji- san shows up and realises my true goddesshood. Yeah, that's it." "Sure, Asuka." Rei waved a hand in front of the author's face. "Please stop talking with the Second Child and continue with the story, author-san. Every moment that is wasted on things like this is a moment more before we can finally become..." Asuka put her hand over Rei's mouth. "We can't talk about that yet, Wondergirl." Rei muttered something. "I'm sorry,"Asuka replied. "I promise I'll make it up to you later, okay?" *************** Misato stretched, yawned and glanced at her watch. "It's time to eat!" she said decisively. "How'd you three like to try that new place, the Saotome Family Diner? Hyuga and Aoba say the ramen's good, the curry's not bad, and the okonomiyaki's spectacular." There was no response. "Asuka? Shinji? Rei?" She turned around. There wasn't any sign of them. Misato grinned. A stand of large bushes provided the most likely cover; she walked towards it. Sure enough, there was a rustling sound, and she could see the branches moving. "I'm really happy for you three, but isn't this kind of public?" There was no response. "Kids? I was thinking it was about time to eat. Why don't you straighten yourselves up and come out of there?" No response. She waited a few more minutes. "All right, kids, I'm coming in, ready or not. I don't want to embarass you, so I'll give you to the count of five. One, Two, Three, Four, Five!" She parted the branches with her forearms and peeked in. Something flew at her face. "Shite!" she screamed, and jumped back, drawing her automatic. This sudden movement disturbed the rest of the flock of pigeons, who took off en masse. After a few seconds, the branches were still. "Shite! Where are they?" She spent the next few minutes running about the field, checking every patch of tall grass. There was no trace of the pilots. "Kami-sama have mercy, I've lost them. The Commander's going to tear me to bits, and Ritsuko's going to stomp on whatever's left. And I'll deserve it, too. Something terrible's happened, an Angel sneak attack or something. Shin-chan, I'm sorry I didn't protect you... I hope you'll forgive me, wherever you are." She slapped herself firmly across the cheek. "Get ahold of yourself, woman. You don't know for sure that anything's wrong. They've probably just walked off and got lost. Even if they've been kidnapped, there's still a chance to track them and go a-rescue." She reached for her mobile. That was it! Shinji had his phone. She would ring him, and after a heart-wrenching pause he would answer it, a bit out of breath, and in the background she'd hear Asuka and Rei making endearing little noises, and she'd slag them all unmercifully for the next week. The little red light was flickering on and off. Apparently she was out of contact with the network. It was no big deal; she'd just walk a few paces, and a tower would be in range. Distracted, she completely failed to notice the large hole which opened up before her. ***** It was dark above them, and ahead stretched another long tunnel. Asuka could barely make out the running White Rabbit, far ahead in the gloom. She again took hold of her companions' hands. Rei winked, and squeezed, and for a moment she was sorely tempted to forget the sartorially eccentric rodent and take advantage of the gloom and privacy. She was a leader. And leaders were sometimes forced to sacrifice themselves for the greater good. "Come on! There's not a moment to be lost!" And away like the wind they ran. "Oh my ears and whiskers, how late it's getting!" the creature muttered, oblivious to the three teenagers running behind him. A distant scream echoed through the tunnel. "That sounds like Misato-san." "Nonsense. I'm sure she's still asleep." ***** Misato sneezed. "Damn dust," she muttered, ignoring the fact that there wasn't any in the dark shaft. There were pictures and maps and shelves on the walls. She wondered if someone had slipped something into her beer. "This is all a dream. A really silly dream. On the count of five, I will pinch myself and wake up. One. Two. Three. Four. Five." She dug her fingertips into her skin, twisting. "Damn." She was still falling. She reached out, trying to find a handhold on the wall. A paint-by-numbers scene of cowboys around a campfire came away in her hand. Something about it didn't look right. Maybe it was the bottle of mineral water they were passing from hand to hand. She let go, and watched it speed out of sight. "Damn." Not even the laws of physics were working properly. She strained her eyes, trying to see what was below her. Nothing. Perhaps she would fall forever. Never to see her little improvised family again. Her eyes were watering. Damned dust. *Thump* She was still alive, sprawled on a soft pile of leaves. And she heard voices ahead in the distance. Familiar ones. She sprang to her feet and ran down the tunnel.