Tokyo-3 in the Sea of Time ***** An extremely silly fusion. ***** Disclaimer: The characters and situations of the Domination of the Draka and _Island in the Sea of Time_ are copyright S.M. Stirling; the characters and situations of Neon Genesis Evangelion are copyright Anno Hideaki and Sadamoto Yoshiyuki. They may not be used or reproduced commercially without permission. The use of these characters and situations is not to be construed as challenge to said copyright. They are merely borrowed for this work of non- commercial fanfiction, from which the author derives no financial benefit. ********** Archona Ranma/Drakaverse Year 422 of the Final Society "I'm bored," Archon Tendou Kasumi sighed. Her husband sat down behind her and began to rub her shoulders. "What shall we do, my dove?" "Isn't that OOC, Ranma?" "What?" "I don't think Draka are really supposed to say things like that." "Do you mind, my Archon?" "No." "Kasumi's bored, Shan. What should we do?" "Archon and loyal Citizen-spice could screw like wild bunnies," said their lavender-haired wife. "We just did that that. remember? We do it all the time. We have five times the libido of any other sentient species." "Right. Could hunt feral humans?" "It doesn't work that way anymore, Shan. Feral humans are a protected species." "Sorry. Shampoo forget. Could play with alternate universe, transporting twenty-first century city back to Bronze Age and creating serious historical conundrum." "Sounds fun, Metic Citizen." "Shampoo tired be Metic Citizen! Shampoo be Metic Citizen four centuries. Shampoo tired talk like this all time. I can speak correct Japanese!" "We call it 'Talk' now, remember?" "We do?" Kasumi sighed. "Yes, Ranma. We have for the past three hundred years." "Oh." "And Shan? If I have enough fun with your game, you can be a full Citizen. And get up every night to tell the Servus there aren't any monsters under their beds, just like all the rest of us." "Maybe Shampoo like stay Metic Citizen, after all." ***** "Hey! Look out the window!" Shinji called. The sky was a milky, rippling white. Misato shook her head, and looked at it again. It was still the same. "Are you seeing what I'm seeing?" "I think so." "You haven't been drinking, have you?" "No." "Damn. I was hoping I was finally having some influence on you." "What do you think it is?" "Well, it could be a mass hallucination. Or some new, very strange kind of Angel attack. But I think it's probably an energy field transporting all of Tokyo-3 through time and space" "What should we do?" "Go outside and mill around, I guess." "Okay. Could I have a beer?" She paused for a moment. "Shin-chan. You're serious?" "Yes." "Yay!" She picked him up and hugged him, kissed him on both cheeks, set him back down on his feet, and stuffed a can into each hand. By the time they'd got outside, the stars were back. Unfortunately, they weren't the same at all. "Hello, Ikari-kun." "Class Rep. What do you think is happening?" She looked up at the sky. "Well, as near as I can tell, we've experienced a space-time shift. I'd say it's about 3000 BC, and we're off the Eastern North American coast." "How can you tell?" "I teach graduate level astronomy at Tokyo-3 University. I'm a child prodigy. And all they ever let me do at school is tell people to clean things up! It's not fair." "Well," Misato said, "from everything I've read, the first thing you're supposed to do when your city has been transported back in time is form a ruling council to take arbitrary control. You want to be on ours?" "Sure!" "Want a Yebisu?" "I'd love one." "Captain Katsuragi? Could I have one as well?" "Rei? Why are you here?" "My disaster manual contains orders to 'go outside and mill around' when the sky fills with an opalescent energy field." "Okay." "Here, you can have one of mine," Shinji said. "Thank you." "Shin-chan, you little devil!" Misato chortled. "I didn't mean it like that!" Rei reached out and pinched his cheek. "You look very sweet when you're embarrassed, Ikari-kun." Everyone faulted. Rei looked puzzled. "Aren't mysterious dislocations supposed to induce personality changes?" ***** "Okay," Misato said, reading from the Official U.N. Manual for Castaways in Time, "the first thing on the list is :'Contact the nearest agricultural chiefdom and buy wheat, barley, horses, pigs, and cattle'. From what Horaki-kun tells us, the nearest agricultural chiefdom is somewhere in Western Europe." "Okay. And how are we going to talk with a bunch of Bronze Age Western Europeans?" Ritsuko asked. "I don't know. I'm sure we'll manage somehow. Doctor Fuyutuski?" "Wrong place, wrong time. My specialty is first century Aramaic." "I might could help ya out, Katsuragi-san." "Suzuhara? I thought you were only here because Horaki likes you." "You think dat I'm some kinda dumb jock, just 'cause I'm big and emotional and I talk like dis? I'm a specialist in ancient European languages. I speak Proto-Basque, Proto-IndoEuropean, Pre-Homeric Greek, Proto-Celtic, and Proto-Liverpudlian! And da Class Rep speaks Lithuanian, doncha, Horaki-kun? Which jus' happens ta be da most archaic language in Europe, ain't it?" "Yes." "Umm, no offense, but why do you speak Lithuanian, Class Rep?" Shinji asked. "Maybe her mother was from Vilnius," Rei suggested. Hikari blushed. "No reason, actually. It just helps the plot along." ***** Shinji stood on the deck, craning his head to look up at the rigging. "Umm, Misato-san? Where'd we get a four-masted sailing ship?" "NERV has everything somewhere in the Geofront. She was in drydock in the basement, on the same level as the pikes and crossbows and stuff." "We have all that, but we don't have enough money to pay for getting rid of dead Angels?" "Exactly." "Great. My father is the founder of an organisation which makes absolutely no sense. Speaking of which, where is he?" "I haven't seen him since the Event. I'm sorry, Shin-chan." "Don't be." "Right." She pulled him into a short affectionate squeeze. "C'mon, let's go put on armour and hit each other with swords for a bit." "What?" "We're going into a land of violent barbarians. If we don't practice our martial arts skills, we'll wind up as mincemeat." "But we don't have martial arts skills." "Of course we do." "I don't remember learning any." "Neither do I. But watch!" She flowed into an elaborate kata. "C'mon, Shin-chan, try it!" He did, matching her easily. "You're right. How'd this happen?" "Probably the same way I learned Lithuanian," Hikari commented. ***** "Shouldn't we have reached England by now, Misato-san?" "We're not going to England, Shin-chan. We're going to France instead." "Why?" "Because we're going to pick up a cute redheaded warrior girl who's going to help us finally get a sex scene into this story." "What? I thought Horaki and Suzuhara-- " "They won't do it on camera." "Oh." Rei coughed. "I don't think you should be violating the fourth wall so casually." "Why not?" "Because it makes the story seem even sillier than it already is." ***** Beauvoir paused to whisper a command in the ear of one of her underlings; the woman left the campfire. The Amazon leader took another drag on her unfiltered cigarette, sipped at her anisette, and rattled off a long sentence in her nasal language. Hikari cleared her throat. "She says: 'Ah, most noble Capitaine, your gifts are... magnifique. So much so, zat eet was difficile to match them. And that would be very bad for our honneur, non?'" "Do you have to use that silly accent?" Misato said. "It's very hard not to. She sounds exactly like Inspector Clouseau in the Lithuanian dub of _Revenge of the Pink Panther_." "Oh. So, anyways, what's going on?" "Bad sign, Cap'n. Dese chiefdom-level societies, dey don' like it when ya embarass dem by givin' more den dey can return. It's part of da adaptation to da resource-poor environment." Touji commented. "Cultural ecologist." "Structural functionalist." They gazed lovingly into each others' eyes. "We're negotiating with dangerous locals, people. Keep your minds on the job." Beauvoir was in public-speaking voice again. Hikari said "So, I you present nothing less than a princesse, captured from our enemies, les Boches!" Two Amazon warriors led a leashed captive into the circle. Red hair spilled loose down the girl's back, held away from her face by enamelled metal clips. She wore only a tiny leather bikini. Obviously, she was meant as some kind of sex slave. Sure, the idea made an enjoyable fantasy, but meeting it in real life was an entirely different thing. And anyone who would treat such a gorgeous creature like an animal deserved to die. Painfully. Misato reached for her pistol, and felt more than saw Shinji's hand dropping to lie on the hilt of his tachi, Rei gripping her naginata. she decided. She blinked. The redhead laid her hand on her knee, smiling, and said, in accentless Japanese, "Don't worry, beautiful Captain. This is just a scene. I'm enjoying myself. If something bothers either of us, the safeword is 'pickle,' okay?" "How'd you learn our language?" "When I was very small, a time warp opened into my village. The sky rained with magical machines that made sounds, and the silver disks that fit into them were called Berlitz courses." "Oh. You're very fluent." "Thank you." "So, umm, what's your name?" "Asuka. But you can call me whatever you want." She fluttered her eyelashes. Giggling, an Amazon passed Misato a horn. She sniffed, resigned to red wine, or more of that citrus juice and champagne concoction. Instead, it was-- she sniffed again, hardly believing her luck-- "Yes! Beer!" "Brewed under the Purity Law of 3765 BC," Asuka said. "They trade us cognac for it." "Then... you aren't really enemies?" "Oh, no, pretty Captain. That was centuries ago; now we're all members of the ProtoIndoEuropean Economic Community. We just play at raiding each other when we get bored. Everyone gets dressed up in armor, we ride around in chariots and fence with rattan swords, anyone who wants to play a bondage scene finds somebody cute on the other side to capture her, and meanwhile their men bake lots of pastry and baguette and ours cook lots of sauerkraut and wurst and at the end we have a big feast before everybody goes home to sleep it off." Hikari and Touji were covering their ears. "Umm, Asuka- chan, I don't think you should talk about all this right now. You're making our scientists unhappy." "Oh? Isn't that what people do in the future?" "No, unfortunately... Wait a second. How'd you know we're from the future?" "Magic. Just like how I knew I was going to meet a gorgeous older woman with purple hair, and a cute girl with red eyes, and an adorable boy who pretends to be a whimp even though he's a hero." "Your name isn't Inverse, is it?" Misato asked, suddenly worried. "No, that's somebody else's story." "Good." She gulped a good half of the horn. "Oneesama? Could I have some of that? Please?" "Would you call me Misato? Not Captain? And especially not Oneesama? Please?" "Ohhh, all right." Misato held the horn to her lips. Hours later, they staggered back to the ship. Most of the Amazons were asleep, and more than a few of the escorting NERV spear carriers had to be shaken awake. Hikari and Touji were whispering in each others' ears; Misato heard something about "deconstructing the paradigm of pre-post-postmodern erotic theory," and decided she didn't want to know what it meant.