Dobby, screaming "Harry Potter must save us!" Dennis, wearing a home-made North American Plains Indian warbonnet, has caught him by the foot. A suction cup arrow is stuck to Dobby's back. In Dennis' free hand is a rubber tomahawk.
A crowd of First Years running down a hall in panic from Dennis' frog, which somehow has grown to approximately the size of an hippogriff; a closeup focuses briefly on one boy's Gryffindor badge.
Hermione and Ginny in the Room of Requirement, seated at a table which is covered with quills, scraps of paper, beakers, and bits of other representative Potions equipment; on one wall hangs a crude sketch of Dennis, several darts stuck in.
Harry and Draco on their brooms in full Quidditch kit, caught at the very moment of dodging a barrage of projectiles; they are ignoring the Snitch which hangs over their heads. On the ground, Dennis has a peashooter raised to his lips. In the background, Ron and Goyle, side by side, are fleeing.
***
The Staff Room
McGonagall: "Will you do nothing about the boy, Albus?"
Dumbledore: "Severus? He's grown up into a fine man, hasn't he, Minerva? And not one so much younger than you."
McGonagall: "Albus, I'm not talking about Severus. I'm talking about his nephew."
Dumbledore: [takes a long drink of tea] "You shouldn't feel guilty for fancying Severus, really. Why, if I were eighty again..."
McGonagall: "Severus' nephew is the problem. The boy's a muck savage."
Dumbledore: "Oh, he's only a touch rambunctious. And it's not as if Severus had any part in his raising. You shouldn't blame a man for how his nephew-- "
McGonagall: "Albus! I amn't talking about Severus. Dennis is shaking Hogwarts to its very foundations! He's an imp of chaos! He's Peeves' best friend! He's a whirlwind of wild magic! He's a menace!"
Dumbledore: "Do try some of this tea, Minerva. It's my favourite Jamaican blend. A cup or two always helps me to see things in a better perspective."
McGonagall: "I don't want tea! I want Dennis gone!"
Dumbledore: "Now now, Minerva, there's no sense being jealous of your beau's nephew. It's silly, really. Have a cuppa, now. As the Muggles say: 'When the going gets tough, the tough get stoned out of their boxes.'"
An explosion shakes the room.
McGonagall: "Blessed Mother of God, he's at it again!"
Dumbledore: "I started off smoking, of course, but really tea is so much more civilised. And Aberforth used to borrow my pipe when he couldn't find his own, and opium was always his little vice. Nothing wrong with that, of course, only it used to give me such headaches."
McGonagall: [runs out the door] "Thanks for being no help at all, Albus."
Dumbledore: "Any time, my dear Minerva, any time."
***
The hallway outside the entrance to the Gryffindor Common Room. Ron is just about to go inside.
Draco: [coming into the scene]: "Weasley! Wait up a moment."
Ron: "What for, Ferret?"
Draco: "Isn't it obvious?" [steps close, whispers] "Because something has to be done about the Menace."
Ron: "What is this, Carriageways and Cabs? I play chess, Malfoy, not that juvenile rubbish." [Draco glomps him.] "Gerroff!"
The Fat Lady: [giggling] "Oh my, such naughty lads..."
Draco: "Silly Weasel, you know you like it." [whispers] "Dennis, you git. Professor Snape's nephew. Now let us in. I need to talk to Potter."
Ron: [whispers] "Why?"
Draco: [whispers] "Because I'm proposing an alliance."
The Fat Lady: "Someone's on the other side. You might want to...sigh... disengage."
Draco: [whispers] "Now let me in, or I'll not let go."
Ron: "All right, all right."
Draco: [lets go] "You know, you're rather dishy when you blush. If you weren't a Weasley..."
Ron: "Thank God I am." [They step aside for Parvati and Lavender, who walk down the corridor, arm in arm. Ron and Draco step inside.]
The Fat Lady: "Don't they make such a sweet couple?"
*sound of a smack, as of a hand on a skull*
Ron: [voice only] "What was that for?"
Draco: [voice only] "C&C is not 'juvenile rubbish'"
***
The Room of Requirement, currently serving as a potions lab. Glass tubes now snake everywhere about the room, and four spinning hamster wheels are connected to a mysterious apparatus which sparks and whirs. A still bubbles in the corner. The previous small drawing of Dennis has been replaced with a larger, which sprouts not only darts but several knives, a butcher's cleaver, and a pair of javelins. Books overflow the table and are stacked on the floor in great piles.
Ginny and Hermione sit at the table. Ginny is scribbling on a scrap of scroll with a stick of charcoal, whilst Hermione has laid her head on an open book and fallen asleep.
Ginny: "If we connect two twelve-grain masses of shaped Philosopher's Stone in sequence, negatively charge the Sacred Squirrel of the Tribe of Elraan Hub'rd and wire it to the skull of Alexander Hamilton, amd chant the second paragraph, 199th page of the Black Grimoire of Redmond, we might be able to reverse the Petrus Pannus Curse.
"Of course, there's a sixty percent chance we'd merely summon Hastur to take possession of Dennis' body. And it's only a ten percent chance that possession by Hastur would render him more harmless than his present state. Not good enough."
Hermione: "Is it any use, Ginny? Any use at all? Nothing works. The Curse is unbreakable. Neville's right. Even Hawking couldn't, so why should we even have made the attempt?"
Ginny: "In the words of Captain Taggart, 'Never give up! Never surrender!' The darkest hour is the one comes just before the dawn, 'Mione. Why, even now, the solution might-"
Luna (walks in through a blank wall): "Hello? Is this the Room of Requirement?"
Ginny: "Luna-chan! Ohayo! What brings you to our little den of Potions otaku?"
Luna: "I don't think that's very good Japanese."
Ginny (blushes): "Sorry. I'm reading too much anime fanfic these days."
Luna: "Don't mention it. You're very fetching as Fangirl!Ginny."
Ginny blushes more vividly.
Hermione: "How did you get in here, Luna?"
Luna: "There I was, just walking about the halls, thinking to myself 'How can I get Harry Potter and the two prettiest girls in Gryffindor to bed with me?' when I felt the most indescribable urge to walk straight into a blank wall. And sure enough, here I am. Although... where's Harry? And where's the bed?"
Hermione: "Luna! I never..."
Ginny: "Mione! Luna may have the key to our problem. If you meant to reverse the Petrus Pannus Curse, Luna, how would you go about it?"
Luna: "Hmm. You could use Philosopher's Stone, wired in sequence, but that's too hard to find, especially at the level of purity we'd need... You could use the Black Grimoire of Redmond, but no, too many risks... Might I have a look at what you've done so far?"
Ginny: "Absolutely! Here, sit down, I'm getting up to stretch my legs. And would you take a cup of tea?" (she walks out of the field of view, presumably across the room.)
Luna: "As long as it's not the Headmaster's favourite blend. That makes me inarticulate and stops me walking straight lines." (she flips through the pages of Ginny's notes.) "Hmm, the skull of Alexander Hamilton, interesting approach... Oh, Hermione, what was that you were about to say?"
Hermione: "I never... (whispers) thought your favourite fantasy would be the same as mine."
Luna: "Well, actually, that's my second favourite fantasy. My favourite is when we take Harry to Stonehenge and..." (she leans close and whispers in Hermione's ear.)
Hermione: "Oh, Luna, that is lovely." (They look into each others' eyes for a long moment, then kiss. Hermione's chair abruptly transforms into a couch, on which Luna and Hermione cuddle.)
Ginny: (coming into the scene and setting a steaming teapot down on the table) "Luna! 'Mione! Time's a-wasting."
Hermione: "Oh, go on, Gin. Or, on second thought, don't." (She reaches out a hand and pulls Ginny close. We hear a startled squeal from Ginny, see Luna's arm snake round her back.)
Fade to black.
BREAK