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An Harry Potter fanfiction
By Andrew yclept Aelfwine

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Characters and situations of the Harry Potter series belong to J.K. Rowling, and are merely borrowed for this non-commercial fanfic.
Dennis the Menace (fortunately) isn't mine, either.

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Warnings: Gratuitous silliness. Out-of-characterness. Fourth- wall violations. Polyamoury. Femmeslash. Boyslash. Suggestive elements. Song parody. Yours Truly.

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This resulted out of an email conversation with Suika Roberts. However, she oughtn't be blamed; the evil is entirely mine:-)

Some blame does rest with the French translator who IMHO made Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone into Le Petit Nicolas à l'École des Sorciers. I don't think I would have otherwise brought up Dennis the Menace and Harry Potter in the same sentence.

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For the record, Harry Potter: The Animated Series doesn't exist (yet). If it ever does, it probably won't look anything like this.

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Breakfast time in the Great Hall of Hogwarts. Judging by the sky-ceiling, it's a sunny autumn day. Fluffy clouds are drifting overhead, along with a Boeing 747, a hot air balloon, and the Enterprise-D.

Closeup on the Faculty table. Hagrid has a pint of stout and a plate of scrambled eggs, fried mushrooms, and what appear to be kippered gerbils, which Snape is eyeing with evident distaste. Snape's breakfast consists of a boiled egg, two pieces of white toast, and a litre of coffee.

Snape: "Good Lord, man, how can you stand those... things at seven in the morning?"

Hagrid: "Sev'rus, yeh need t' eat up. Not having a proper breakfast, it'll be the death of yeh. Now, why don't we call down to the kitchen and have 'em rustle yeh up some nice poached hedgepigs, eh?"

Snape turns green.

McGonagall (sitting down at table, next to Snape): "Good morning! Did you sleep well, Severus?"

Snape: "God's wounds, woman, you know I didn't."

Sprout: "Minerva! How could you?"

Sinistra: [looks daggers at Snape and McGonagall]

Hooch: "Fair play to you, Minns!"

McGonagall: [blushes] "It's not like that. Severus and I ran into each other last night in the Owlery."

Last Night:
The Owlery, a great room containing row upon row of long perches, something like library shelves, upon which owls of various sizes and colours sit. Two are snogging, several are reading newspapers or books, one is sleeping with a bowler hat tipped over its face, and four are playing cards. Through the single large window, a Gothic arch, we see night sky and stars.

McGonagall, in her professor's robes, has just given an owl a letter.

Snape, bleary-eyed, wearing a green dressing gown and fluffy white bunny slippers, enters the room.

McGonagall: "Hello, Severus. You look awful."

Snape: "And well I should, Minerva. My dratted brother is coming on holiday from America."

McGonagall: "But, Severus, that's wonderful. Coming all the way across the ocean to visit--"

Snape: "And he's bringing my nephew, Dennis. The child is a monstrosity. An horror. A vision of the abyss."

Several bystanding owls: "A menace!"

Snape: "I didn't ask you."

McGonagall: "And when did you see him last?"

Snape: "Twenty years ago. And I barely escaped with my life. He got into my supplies. And mixed soda water with powdered asphodel, aspartame, and Opal Fruits! He made McGuffin's Draught of Mortal Peril, Minerva. By accident! Even Longbottom hasn't done that."

McGonagall: "I'm sure he was just a little boy playing. Why, he must be a fine young man now."

Snape: "That's the problem. He was five years old then. He's five years old now. And he'll be five years old in the twenty- fifth century."

McGonagall: (gasps) "The... Petrus Pannus Curse! Severus, how horrible."

Snape: "He is."

McGonagall: "Severus, you wretch. I meant how horrible for his family."

Snape: "I'm part of his family, and it's quite horrible enough for me."

Cut back to the Great Hall. Closeup on the Gryffindor table.

Ron: "Snape's up to something. I know it."

Hermione: "Oh, get off it, Ron. Snape's on our side, remember?"

Ron: "Go on, 'Mione. Don't tell me you really believe all that double agent business. Just because he helped us set up You- Know-Who with that posh job at EuroDisney doesn't mean he's not evil. Why, he could be... he could be... plotting to... to... do something really villanous. Like..."

Harry: "Like what, Ron?"

Neville: "Like becoming the Dark Lord himself?"

Ron: "Nah, too obvious."

Séamus: "Like having a torrid affair with Professor McGonagall?"

Dean: "Like playing centre for Manchester United?"

Hermione: "Like writing trashy stories about the staff and students at an exclusive wizarding school and how they're carrying on with each other in the least likely combinations imaginable?"

Ginny: "Ooh, slash! Nummers!"

Ron: "I don't know, okay?"

Cut to the Slytherin table.

Pansy: "Something's up. Watch the Professor."

Millicent: "He keeps edging away from McGonagall, but who can blame him? I saw her pinch his arse last week."

Pansy: "Can't fault her taste in men, at least."

Blaise: "Mmm, not at all. I'd..." (Draco glares at him.) "Not that our Malfoy isn't even more fetching."

Draco: (preens)

Slytherin extras: (singing, to the tune of "The Ode to Joy")

"Draco, Draco, Draco Malfoy
He's Hogwarts' most gorgeous boy
There's no lad whom we would rather
Played with us and naughty toys.

"Golden hair is much more fetching
Than great scars and taped-up specs
And we're certain that H. Potter's
Wouldn't match our Malfoy's pecs."

Cut to Gryffindor table.

Ron: "Crummy lyrics."

Pansy: (voice only) "Let's see you write better, Weasel."

Ron: "And what if I did?"

Neville: "I'd be forced to tie up and deprogramme you."

Alicia Spinnet: "May I watch?"

Katie Bell: "Harry, they said Malfoy's pecs are better than yours. You mustn't back down from a challenge like that!"

Alicia: "Strip off your shirt, Harry, do! For the honour of Gryffindor!"

Gryffindor extras: "For the honour of Gryffindor! Let the battle of the pectorals begin!"

Ginny: (makes inarticulate growling noises)

Ron: "Merlin! Wouldn't that be a sight?"

Ginny: "Brother or not, hands off our Harry or I'll hex you."

Alicia: "Perhaps you should wrestle him, Harry."

Katie: "I've some oil here in my bag."

Hermione takes out a dagger and begins cleaning her fingernails.

Harry: (to the tune of "Frère Jacques" ("Lazy Andy.")):

"I'm not listening,
I'm not listening.
Not at all,
Not at all."

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In the potions lab, Snape is stirring something in a cauldron. As he stirs, he sings:

(to the tune of Warren Zevon's "Lawyers, Guns, and Money")

"I went home with a nixie
The way I always do
How was I to know
She was with the Dark Lord, too?

"I was gambling in Knockturn
I took a little risk.
Send anyone but Potter
To get me out of this.

"An innocent Potions Master
But somehow I got stuck
Teaching Harry Potter
That's just my rotten luck."

There is a knocking at the door.

Snape: "Not now, you fool! I'm in the middle of a very sensitive experiment."

Gregory Goyle (voice only): "Please, sir! A little boy's come through the fireplace in the Common Room! He's evil, sir! Evil!"

Snape: "Don't be ridiculous, Goyle. That fire's not connected to the Floo."

Little boy's voice: "Uncle Sevvy! Uncle Sevvy!"

Snape: "Merlin's toenails!"

He lets go the stirring stick and turns toward the door. Before he can reach it, the door is blown down. It falls to the floor, clipping Snape's toes.

Snape: "Ow!"

A little blond boy stands in the doorway, dressed in muggle clothes, except for his wizard's hat, which is worn askew, looks to have been squashed and pushed back into shape several times, and is being sat upon by a large frog. A slingshot hangs from his pocket. Behind him, Goyle stands as if frozen, a look of shock on his face.

Dennis: "Hi, Uncle Sevvy!"

Snape falls over in a faint. The cauldron boils over with green goo, which coalesces into a blob and begins to creep toward the door.

Dennis: (pulls on Snape's nose) "Uncle Sevvy? Wake up, Uncle Sevvy!"

Snape: "I would prefer not to."

The green goo creeps toward Snape and Dennis.

Dennis: "Hi, green goo!"

The green goo develops eyes, which go wide in fright. It very quickly creeps back into the cauldron.

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To be continued...

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