One Ranma's Nightmare is Another's...? a Ranma « fanfiction by Andrew Aelfwine ***** The characters and environment of Ranma « belong to Takahashi Rumiko, and I would never claim to have any part in their creation; I am not worthy! I am simply borrowing them for this work of non-profit fanfiction. This work may be transmitted, filed, or otherwise reproduced freely, as long as this disclaimer and my name are not removed from it. Feel free to translate it, under the same conditions if you're putting it into Irish, French, Scots, Cadien, or Old through Early Modern English, please email me, I'd love to talk about it. ***** This work contains mild sexual situations, as well as a good deal of general silliness, including drastic violations of canonical nature. As the title might suggest, it's not only an alternate universe, it's several of them. If such things bother you, you might prefer to avoid it. ***** <> are used to indicate unspoken thought "<>" indicate use of a language other than that of the rest of the scene, in this case Mandarin as opposed to Japanese, although all dialogue is rendered in English ********** One pleasant summer's morning in the town of Nerima, as birds were sweetly singing and all nature was cheerfully going about its business, three people tromped through the streets towards their destiny. They were dusty and dirty, travel-worn. Their clothing was that of adventurous wanderers, a mixture of styles from around the world, with a notably heavy Chinese influence. Indeed, a casual observer might have said something to the effect of "Just another pack of stinking gypsies!" or "How quaint, travelling people!" were it not for the air of nobility in the proud bearing of the young pig-tailed man and the brown-haired woman who walked at his side. The combat spatula that rode on her back and the katana thrust through his belt might also have helped matters; one generally tries to stay on the good side of heavily armed martial artists, in spite of one's opinions on their sense of fashion, apparent mode of living, or level of hygiene. The fat old man who took the lead might have been more likely to face the casual contempt of the populace, but this would have represented a sad error on their part. For he was none other than Saotome Genma, Master of the Saotome School of Anything Goes Martial Arts, a doughty fighter known far and wide for his epic battles. Indeed, only his son and his son's equally skilled fianc‚e would dare defy him, and he truly feared only one living person in all the world: his lady wife, Saotome Nodoka. "Now tell me again, Da, why are we in this town?" said the young man. "This isn't another one of your schemes, is it, Uncle Saotome?" added his companion. "We're just going to visit an old friend of mine and his family. Surely you'll not begrudge an old man some time to trade stories and talk about old times?" Within half an hour they had reached the Tendou home and dojo. "" Ranma said in Mandarin, taking Ukyou's hand in his own. "" Ukyou replied. "" "" "You can speak a civilised language, son, daughter-in-law. We are back in Japan." "You're just jealous 'cause you never learned to speak it right yourself, Da." "Remember when we almost wandered into the cursed springs of Jusenkyou? I'm glad _somebody_ could read the signs." Ukyou added. They stepped through the gates. A tall mustached man in a gi stood waiting by the door to the house. "Greetings, Saotome- kun!" he called, bowing. "My daughters await within." Genma returned the bow. "I have brought Ranma, Tendou- kun." The tall man eyed Ukyou for a moment, looking puzzled. "You never told me you had a daughter. I'm sorry that I have no son." "Ah, well, we can deal with all that later, I'm sure." Genma said hastily. Both Ranma and Ukyou were about to explain the situation; Genma signed them to remain silent. Puzzled, they did. In the main room of the house, three teenaged girls sat on a couch. They rose as their father and guests stepped inside. was Ukyou's first thought. Of course, they hadn't spent the past ten years wandering across the world. The shortest was unquestionably some kind of martial artist, dressed in a gi like her father, and rather pretty in a stocky, tomboyish, fashion. She looked unhappy about something. The middle one wore a skirted business suit, and Ukyou didn't care for the look she gave Ranma. The tallest wore a frilly apron over a pink dress, and smiled sweetly at them both, but there was something in her expression that Ukyou couldn't put her finger on, and it made her nervous. "This," Saotome Genma said proudly, "is my son, Ranma. Ranma, these are the Tendou sisters, daughters of my good friend Soun. You're going to marry one of them. Pick." "Da, this is ridiculous!" Ranma snarled. "For feck's sake, I'm already engaged!" Ukyou drew herself closer, slipped an arm about his waist. "I don't mean any offense to you three," he continued, "but Ucchan and I have been engaged since we were children, and by God I'll not leave her behind." "Saotome! Why in Hell's name didn't you tell me?!" "Well, I figured..." "You figured what? That you'd have another child? Then in God's name why didn't you stay at home with your wife like an honest man instead of wandering all over the world? Unless...Satome-kun, why didn't you tell me, you old devil! Where's he hiding?" "Well, actually, this is all I have. But I thought, well, it's not the first time there's been a man with more than one wife..." "And our Ranma is a man among men, isn't he, husband! I'm sure he needs at least two!" Saotome Nodoka burst into the room. "Hello, Soun-kun!" "Nodoka-chan! But I thought your husband was out on the road without you." "Only for the last month. I was visiting my sister. But most of the time I'm with them. The family that wanders together, stays together! And besides, how is Ukyou-chan to learn to be a proper woman without a mother-in-law's touch? That was what I told my Genma when we met with Kuonji-san and his little daughter, 'Genma,' I said, 'that poor little girl is such a sweet thing, and it's such a pity for her to grow up with no mother to look after her, why don't we engage her to our Ranma?'" "But did you not know about Genma's promise to me?" "Of course I did, Soun-kun. As I said, they'll all get along famously." "Blessed Mother of Mercy, Ucchan, what are we going to do?" Ranma whispered in his fianc‚e's ear. "Don't worry, Ranchan, we'll think of something." "If you want, we can leave." "But we'd break your mother's heart, love. I can't do that. Maybe we can get along all right with one of the Tendous..." "Ranma, we're still waiting for you to choose." Genma said. "Or do you want all three?" Nodoka added. Ukyou glared at her. "Ahhhhh...." "So, maybe it would help Ranma-kun if he at least knew their names?" Tendou Soun said dryly. "Ranma, these are Kasumi," the tallest, "Nabiki" she didn't frown, precisely, but still appeared to be making calculations in her head, "and Akane." She glared at Ranma where he stood with his arm about Ukyou's shoulders. "So, girls, what do you think?" "I'm not marrying a polygamous pervert, Daddy!" Akane said firmly. "I'm sorry, Da, but I've never cared to play second fiddle." "But I'm sure you could be First Wife, Biki-chan, it's only fair." Soun interjected. "Don't worry, Daddy, I'll be happy to have them." Kasumi chirped. "And don't be shy, now, give us a hug." she said, glomping enthusiastically onto both Ranma and Ukyou. "Ah, my son and his two future wives! Truly a man among men!" Nodoka snapped a picture for the wedding album. Nabiki considered taking out her own camera, but no, this was one Tendou sister whose pictures did not sell at all. "So, shall we start making plans for the wedding?" Nodoka said, pulling a two foot stack of catalogs from her rucksack. "Oh, Ranma and Ukyou will be hot and tired after their long trip, and I'm sure their clothes will need washing. I'll show them the bathing room." Kasumi said brightly. With the implacable strength her gentle exterior belied, she dragged them out of the room. "" Ranma said in Mandarin. "" "" Kasumi said brightly. "" Ranma screamed and snapped bolt upright in bed. "Noooo!!!!!!!!" The warmth of the body cuddled against his left side reassured him. "Akane, you're here, it's all right!" he said in relief, embracing tightly, burying his face in her black hair. "Silly Ranma-sama, Akane always sleeps on your right. I know we've only been married three months, but really, love, you've got to learn to tell your wives apart." Kodachi rolled over and kissed him. "Don't be hurt, now, darling, I'm only teasing." "Ranma, Ko-chan, what is...?" Akane sat up and looked down at them. "Silly Akane-chan, does it always take you so long to wake up?" Kodachi bopped her on the tip of her nose with a gentle finger. "Ranma was just battling the Great Turkey of Doom in his sleep again." "No, actually I was about to be mauled by...oh, never mind." "Well, give us a kiss, baka, if you're going to wake us up in the middle of the night." "All right...tomboy." "So, do I get one?" "Surely, crazy girl." Back in the universe next door: "I'm sorry, Ucchan, I just had the most terrible dream. Kodachi was there, and Akane, and..." "There now, Ranchan, it's all right. Kasumi and I are here." "And I'm sure we can find some way to help you forget your nightmare, can't we, dearest Ukyou?" In another nearby: "Akane! Thank God! I just had the most terrible dream, we were in bed with Kodachi, and..." "Ranma, I love you dearly, but by God you're a PERVERT!" "She's right, Ranchan." Ukyou added sleepily from the other side of the bed. "I mean, we're open minded and all that, but Kodachi's a little bit much, isn't she? God, she's so sugary and cute that it's disgusting. Remember the last Olympics, when she used that giant teddy bear in the final bout against the American champion, and then she threw pink roses into the stands?" In yet another: "Nooooo!!!!!! Not Kasumi! Anything but......" Ranma awoke to his wife's gentle shaking. "What, Ranma, you didn't have a good time when I let Kasumi 'borrow' you? You know it was our only choice." "I know, Nabiki-chan, I know. The old man would have been panda teriyaki if it weren't for your brilliant plan. That doesn't mean I don't have nightmares." "Well, since you've woken me up, I'm going to have to charge you my usual fee." "A backrub?" "And you're doing the laundry this week." "Hey! That's too much!" "Therapy doesn't come cheap, dearest silly pigtailed boy. Now shut up and kiss me." And another: "Ranma-sama! I fear thy dark dream bears some evil message! Surely the evil Tendou Soun is again plotting to wrest thy handsome self and the beauteous Ukyou from my loving arms!" Ranma wrapped his arms around his wife and stroked her hair. She was a dear thing, and a capable warrior as well, having saved his and Ukyou's lives on a number of occasions, but she needed very gentle handling at times like this. "No, pet, it was just a dream. Tendou Akane and Ranko are on their honeymoon, remember? The Tendous haven't troubled us since she fell into that cursed spring last year." Ukyou hauled herself up on one elbow. "Sorry, Ranchan, but no more okonomiyaki before bed for you. I know it's your favorite midnight snack, but you're going to ruin Ko-chan's sleep with these ridiculous nightmares of yours." And another: Ranma's eyes snapped open. Thank God, it was only a dream, and everything was normal. Akane was snoring by his side as usual. He snuggled closer, buried his nose in her long black hair, wrapped his arms around her firm, muscular chest... "All right, who splashed my wife?" "Why, Ranma, it's only me. Surely two strong, handsome men..." came a voice from the laundry hamper. "Tsubasa no baka!" Akane snapped awake and swung her hammer, while Ranma ran to the window. Through long practice, they timed it perfectly. The transvestite sailed out into the night, bound for a geosynchronious orbit over Okinawa. Ranma shut the window and sighed. "Remember when he only liked girls?" "Ah, well, with luck we'll not see the useless pervert for a couple of weeks." Akane's hammer snapped back into its hammerspatial home, and she embraced her husband, drew him into a kiss. For some reason she had a mustache in her male form it tickled his nose. "Now who's the pervert?" Ranma teased when they stopped for breath. "You know, Ranma, I'm starting to think that when I finally find the Spring of Drowned Girl I should throw you into it instead of myself. You really should stop making fun of my curse." "Only teasing, love, only teasing." And another: "My God, Akane, I just dreamed I was kissing a guy! Deep kissing! This really buff guy, with a mustache and everything." "Now Ranma, you know Mousse was only joking..." "I'm telling you, it wasn't Mousse." "It was just a dream, Ranma, just a dream. I'm sure lots of men have them. It's really not a big deal. After all, being married to a certain man who fell into a certain spring and gets wet all too frequently, I seem to be kissing a woman nearly every day." ***** Yes, I know, it's evil and wrong of me to think of these things. The real Kasumi is a prude, etc, etc. Blame it on too much work and the fact that I couldn't concentrate last night on either my MA thesis or the next chapter of "A Fianc‚e in the Grass," and instead had to meditate on the basic perversity of alternate history. I'm sure that somewhere there is a world where Takahashi-sama made Kasumi very much alike to one of the Kasumis here. Of course, in that world Ranma « was judged obscene and never achieved US release, and all the Western dubs and subs are in Irish or Occitan. But, if it's any consolation, Pauly Shore made the mistake early in his career of insulting the notorious Hollywood duelist Elvis Presley Jr., and several very bad movies were never made.