WAFFy Evangelion fic warning. Suggestive content warning. Silly warning. Yours truly warning.
Minor spoiler for very end of manga Volume 5, Issue 2.
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Originally posted to FFML in late 1999.
Slightly revised September 2002.
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All characters and situations of Neon Genesis Evangelion are property of their respective creators and publishers. They are merely borrowed for this non-profit fanfiction.
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This is a continuation of Volume 5, Issue 2 of the manga. It probably isn't what Sadamoto Yoshiyuki intends (unfortunately).
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Arr, mateys!
Below here be spoilers.

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"Why don't you... come in for a while?"

"Oh... okay."

Rei seized him by the hand and pulled him inside.

*****
Asuka glanced at her watch. "Where's the idiot? He's supposed to cook tonight."

"Don't worry about it," Misato said. "Dinner's not for hours yet."

"We can't let him get away with skipping his chores."

"You like having him around, don't you?"

"Of course not."

Misato took another swallow of beer, and began to sing: "Asuka and Shinji, sitting in a tree..."

"It's not like that!" Asuka's face nearly matched her hair. "Besides, I could say a thing or two about you and Kaji-san."

"That's different!"

"Sure."

"I'm going to go find him. I bet he's at Rei's! The little perverts!" She stormed out of the apartment, coming within a centimeter of tripping over Misato's pet penguin, who had stepped out of his refrigerator, apparently interested in the noise. He made an angry squawking sound, possibly the avian equivalent of a curse, waddled towards the couch, picked up a magazine from the floor, and began to leaf through it.

Misato sighed, and finished her beer in a single long gulp. "Silly kids, aren't they, Pen-pen?" Pen-pen, being a penguin, didn't reply.

*****
The stairs hadn't been cleaned in quite a while. Asuka ignored the nasty smell and the empty takeaway boxes and bags. There were more important things to deal with.

Even out in the hallway she could hear them. "Oh, Rei! It's... wonderful!" There were small squelching and rustling noises.

"Try this."

"So goooooood!"

Asuka wasn't about to let this go any further. No pressing the buzzer for her-- she hammered on the thin central panel with both fists, dislodging several chips of fading paint.

Rei answered the door, dressed in only her shirt. There was something white clinging to her lip; absently, she licked it off. "Souryuu. I had thought you would join us."

"What's going on?" The blue-haired girl took hold of her wrist and drew her inside. She was too surprised to resist. Soon after, she was too happy to mind.

*****
Misato tossed her latest can into the recycling bin. She stood up and stretched, belching. "I'm hungry," she declared to no one in particular. Something seemed odd. She glanced at the clock. Eight-thirty. And no sign of Asuka or Shinji.

A few minutes later she was out of the building. Asuka said something about going to Rei's. I'll check there, then the park. If that doesn't work, I'll ring round to their schoolmates' houses. She wasn't going to think about any other possibilities.

She knew Rei's building wasn't in the best neighbourhood in town. She'd stopped by once or twice to give her a ride, and thought NERV could have found her a place that was less run down.

But this... this was awful, much worse than she'd thought it from outside. "It's child abuse. Nothing more, and nothing less," she muttered as she made her way through the unlocked foyer, past the broken elevator and up the dirty stairs.

As she raised her hand to the buzzer, she heard them. "Oh my, Rei-chan! Where did you learn to... mmmmmmm... do _this_?" Asuka's calling her "Rei-chan"? What happened? What are they doing? She could hear someone making inarticulate sounds of pleasure. She was morally certain it was Shinji. Oh _no_!

"Commander Ikari ordered me to learn womanly skills."

Asuka whistled through her teeth. "When?" The vowel was long and drawn out, delighted.

"Last week."

"Wow. How'd you learn to be so _good_?" Shinji said.

"He gave me books. I studied them."

"Dear sweet kami," Misato murmured. They were only fourteen. She'd thought even the Commander had _some_ tiny reservoir of decency. She strongly considered turning around, marching down the stairs, finding the nearest bar, and getting well and truly falling down drunk.

No. She had her duty, and whatever shreds of conscience were left her would not be denied. She was their guardian. Her hand trembled as she reached for the buzzer. It didn't work, so she knocked gently. "Kids? We really should talk about-- "

Rei opened the door. She wore only an oversized shirt, and looked rumpled. Her shirt was stained; with what fluids, Misato didn't want to know. "Major Katsuragi?"

"You don't have to call me that, Rei. I'm not angry with you, or Asuka and Shinji, either. I just want to give you a little advice, you know? This is a big step in your life. Are you sure you're not going too fast?"

"The Commander ordered me."

"You don't always have to listen to him. Well, okay, _almost_ always. But not about _this_. I mean, it's the most personal thing in the world, and you've all got a lot of growing left to do, right?"

"The Commander told me you might stop by. He said I should invite you to join us."

"Sweet Christ! What kind of woman does he think I am? I mean, yeah, I've done some wild things, but-- "

Rei opened the door the rest of the way. Misato's jaw dropped. "This was all your idea?"

"Ikari and Souryuu helped."

"I shouldn't. I really shouldn't." If she kept saying it, she hoped, she'd believe it.

"Misato-san! Come in!" She'd never seen Shinji so joyful, not in all the time they'd lived together. She couldn't blame him. The scene inside might have been calculated to entice her beyond the point of no return.

Asuka positively glowed with happiness. "Rei-chan thought of everything! She's really, really good! Won't you come in and have a try?"

She stepped inside. "I can't resist." As hard as it might be for many people to believe, there were things that stirred Katsuragi Misato's desires even more deeply than beer.

And Grand Marnier souffle, crepes Suzette, and chocolate truffles were three of them.

*****
Two weeks later:

The Children were arm in arm in arm. That was fairly common these days. Rei still seemed a bit confused by the whole thing, but she was thriving under the attention. She smiled now, and her speech was increasingly animated.

"I found a new recipe. Turkey in a chocolate-pepper sauce. From Mexico. They call it 'mole.'"

"Sounds wonderful."

"Chocolate-pepper? If it were anyone else's cooking..."

"But it isn't, Shinji! It's our Rei-chan's." Asuka kissed her on the cheek.

"You're right." He touched his own lips to her other cheek. "Sorry, Rei-chan."

Misato smiled, and turned to Ritsuko. "Don't they just make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside?"

"I guess."

"Well, if you'd eaten Rei's flourless chocolate cake, they would."

"That good, huh?"

"Better than sex."

"That's a cliche, Misato."

"But it's true!"

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Author's Notes:
Yes, I know anime-Rei is a vegetarian. But there's no firm evidence (yet) for manga-Rei's dietary preferences. And sh