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An Harry Potter ficlet
By Andrew yclept Aelfwine
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Characters and situations of the Harry Potter series belong to J.K. Rowling, and are merely borrowed for this non-commercial fanfic. Dennis the Menace (fortunately) isn't mine, either.
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Warnings: Gratuitous silliness. Out-of-characterness. Fourth-wall violations. Parodic elements. Polyamoury. Femmeslash. Hints of boyslash. Transvestitism. Suggestive elements. Yours Truly.
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This resulted out of an email conversation with Suika Roberts involving the idea of Dennis the Menace at Hogwarts. However, she oughtn't be blamed; the evil is entirely mine:-)

Some blame does rest with the French translator who IMHO made Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone into Le Petit Nicolas à l'École des Sorciers. I don't think I would have otherwise brought up Dennis the Menace and Harry Potter in the same sentence.
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Harry: "I 'ave to say, Draco, I always did think you a git. But as we've shed blood an' sweat an' tears together battling Him Who Can Be Named, But We Don't Want to Name Him Cos We Might Get Su--"

Ron: (whispers) "Harry, this is fanfic. If we're at risk of being taken into court over anything at all..."

Harry: (blushes) "Right. Sorry, mate. Denys the--"

Hermione: (whispers) "Harry, it's spelt D E double-N I S."

Harry: "Pronounced the same, ent it?"

Hermione: "Well, close enough. But why...?"

Ron: "Cos it sounds more British?"

Hermione: "But that's nonsense. Really, I--" (Cho whispers in her ear. She blushes.) "Oh, just go on with it, all right?"

Harry: "As I was saying, the Menace, I came to the realisation that you was a right solid bloke. A man I'd be proud to call a mate. Even if you are a toff, an' go walkin' about with that nose of yours turnt up--"

Hermione: "Harry! For Merlin's sake, you don't talk that way at all. You're from Surrey!"

Harry: "Oh, right. Sorry."

Draco: "Don't mention it. Although I have to confess that I find that rough working class argot quite... manly. Care for a spot of the old public school vice, now we're friends and all that?"

(Cho, Ginny, and Hermione draw their wands. The air crackles with magickal energy.)

Hermione: "This isn't boyslash. And he's mine. All--" (Cho and Ginny glare) "ours! Ours, I say!"

Draco: (shrugs) "A fellow can try, can't he? So, I'm off to have a go with Pansy and Millicent. And Blaise Zabini. Who is, of course, a lovely specimen of the female gender."

Hermione: "Isn't Blaise a lad?"

Draco: "Well, yes, but I thought..."

Ginny: "All we care is that it's not Harry-slash."

Draco: "Brilliant. So, I'm for the dungeon. Have a good shag with your harem, Harry."

Harry: "Mmmph." (Cho and Ginny have him bound, gagged, and slung beneath a broomstick.)

Ron: (Backing away from the scene.) "I'm leaving now. Goodbye." (Still walking backwards, he bumps into the front of a tall girl's black robe. The shot pans up, and we see first a Ravenclaw tie, then a pretty honey-brown face. Arms close around his chest.) "Err... Hello, Parvati. Ah, aren't you still crushing on Harry?"

Padma: "Silly boy, I'm Padma. Can't you tell me apart from my sister yet?" (She takes him by the shoulders and turns him round.) "You know, you never did kiss me good night after the Ball. I suppose I'll have to take what's owed me right now. And a bit of interest besides."

Ron: "Help! I'm about to be-- "

Padma: (Whispers:) "I've a girl's uniform just your size, Ronniekins. And motorcycling kit in mine. Won't you come and play at dressing up?"

Ron: (Whispers:) "Ravished."

Padma: "Quite right, love."

[Jump cut to Parvati and Lavender]

Parvati: "Well, a third-share of a really extraordinary boy is better than a whole-share of a mediocre one. And a third-share of two cute girls more than makes up the difference."

Lavender: "Third? I make it a fifth share of a really extraordinary boy, and a fifth share of four cute girls."

Parvati: "But, Lavender." (Her eyes light up.) "You mean..."

Lavender: "Of course. Hermione and Ginny and I had a little talk after you fell asleep last night, and Cho said yes at breakfast."

Parvati: "So, that's why you smelt of Hermione's soap this morning. Lavender, you pervert!"

Lavender: "Yes. Do you mind?"

Parvati: "Not in the slightest." (Glomp.)