Amhra/n Gra/ Tokyo-3
(Tokyo-3 Love Song)
A Neon Genesis Evangelion Fanfiction
by Andrew Carey
********************
Characters and situations of Neon Genesis Evangelion belong to
their creators and publishers.  I am merely borrowing them for this
non-profit fanfiction.

This is based on the manga, Viz translation, although set after
volume four and using elements from the anime for that reason. It
takes place outside the direct continuity.

While not really dark, this fiction contains a fair amount of angst
and a relationship which may squick some people.  I was personally
somewhat disturbed by it.  You have been warned.  

This fiction contains sexual situations; while these are not explicitly
described, it is probably not appropriate reading for persons under 
their local age of consent.  Nor is this fiction appropriate reading 
for those disturbed by homo/bisexuality and polyamory.  Again, you 
have been warned.

The title is pronounced "OW-rawn GRAW," more or less.  The
slashes are a standard ASCII substitute for long marks, and don't
stand for sounds in their own right.
*********************

"Du/irt si/ad go raibh muid gan na/ir
Ag ce/iliu/ir a/r ngra/
Agus an scri/os seo ina/r dtimpeall.

An seabhac ag guairdeall san aer
Ag feitheamh le boladh an bha/is."

-- as "Amhra/n Gra/ Vietnam," Caittli/n Maude, 1969

"They said we were without shame
Celebrating our love
And this ruin in our surrounding.

The hawk gyring in the air
Waiting on the smell of death."

-- from "Vietnam Love Song," Caitlli/n Maude, 1969
My translation, 1998



     The signs in the bar window glowed like distant signal fires,
and the sound of karaoke machines and off-key voices was the call
of the Sirens.  Katsuragi Misato wished she could heed them.  The
thought of a cool half-liter trickling down her dry throat was almost
unbearably tempting.  But no, there were her two companions to be
thought of. <I can't bring them in with me; the Commander would
have up on charges for sure.>

     <Don't be silly; Asuka was probably raised on beer,> said a
small voice in her head. <And Shinji-kun would likely be better for
a couple of drinks.  Maybe if they get loosened up a bit they'll be
nicer to each other.>  She could almost see the shy sweet glances
passing back and forth, the two hands slowly creeping towards each
other... <the epic beating when Asuka sobers up and realises what
happened.> She sighed.  <No escape from it, even in daydreams...>

     "Sweet Christ, you're an idiot..."

     She could take no more.  "For gods' sake, Asuka, Shinji is
_not_ stupid.  He has better marks than you, and you've allegedly
been through university."

     "Well, it's not my fault Japanese people can't write more
sensibly..."

     "In case you've forgot, Asuka, you were raised speaking
this language.  Learning a few hundred characters shouldn't be any
problem for a _genius_."

     "Arrgh!  You're always ganging up on me.  First Rei and
Shinji, and now you..."  She turned and ran away.  Misato stood
staring at her retreating back. <Why does she do these things to
me?>

     "Shouldn't we follow her?"

     "No, Shinji-kun, let her run." <Why do I do these things to
her?>

     "But Misato-san, she might fall down, or get hit by a bus,
or..."

     Misato sighed again. <Poor kid has it bad.> But his logic
was impeccable.  "You're right.  Let's walk slowly, give her a
chance to calm down."

     There was silence for a while.  At last, Shinji said "Thank
you.  For... defending me."

     "No problem.  I didn't do anything but say the truth.  You
may be a wimp, but you're not stupid."  She saw the hurt in his
eyes, and it twisted in her own heart. <Idiot Misato, you say things
too quickly, you hurt the people you... care for.> "You're not even
very much of a wimp, these days," she added, and ruffled his hair. 
"In fact, I think you'll soon have me wishing I were fourteen
again."  His eyes widened, but he didn't say anything. <Good.  I
can't believe I said that last, myself.>

     They caught up with Asuka at an intersection six blocks
away.  She was standing, trying very hard to look as if her sprint
had been nothing but a leisurely promenade.  "Look, if all you're
going to do is pick on me..." she began.

     "Actually," Misato said with glacial slowness, "I wasn't
going to pick on you.  I was going to suggest that the three of us
take a nice, long, calming walk together, and that maybe then we
could get something to eat.  We shouldn't..." The howl of the alarm
klaxons cut her off.

     "Shite, this is _not_ a drill."  She could hear a low angry
hum that didn't belong to anything of this earth, see a column of
thick smoke rising in the distance.  "Shite, where's my phone? 
Shite."

     "Here's mine." Shinji said, and she loved him in that
moment for the newborn calm in his voice. <Shinji, my Shinji.  No
courage for yourself, but strong as a mountain for others.> She
dialed the secure line to the bridge, sharp jabs like thrusts at soft
tissue.

     "Nothing.  Oh _feck_, the Angel must be interfering with
the phone system..."  

     The column of smoke was moving, coming closer.  <Sweet
Kannon watch over us, where are we...there's the street sign...yes, I
can save them...> "There's a NERV shelter less than a block away. 
Let's _go_!"  She grabbed each by the hand and they ran as the
klaxon screamed and the buildings began to sink into the ground.  It
was the work of a second to duck into the ordinary-looking
doorway and insert her ID.  The door opened before them and she
pulled her housemates after her, down into her lap as the elevator
carried them to safety.

     They sat there a moment all tumbled together, fear and rage
and relief and shock warring within them.  Unthinking, Misato
hugged her Asuka and her Shinji to her breast. <They're alive,
we're together, it's all that matters,> she thought dazedly.  Then
<they are pilots, I am their superior officer, we are soldiers in a
war.  There are millions in danger of death while I sit here and hold
them.> "Come on, get up," she said, hating herself for the harshness
in her voice.  "There should be access to the Geofront from here."

     She led them into a hard cool gray room, concrete walls,
concrete floor, steel bunks and lockers, a curtained alcove with a
chemical toilet, all of it brutally illuminated with flourescent tubes. 
There was no trace of a door other than the one they'd entered
through, the one leading to the elevator.  "Shite." <Maybe the
elevator will take us.> She inspected the control panel; there was
only the route to the surface. <No point in going back up there and
getting killed.> "There must be communications gear of some kind. 
We'll call the bridge and they can find some way to reach us."  She
started opening lockers and panels.  "It must be somewhere in here. 
Help me look, you two."  They were still standing stunned by the
elevator.  "Come on, look!  There must be a phone or a terminal or
something."  Shinji began searching; after a moment, Asuka joined
him.

     "I found a field radio," Asuka reported.  It was the last
unopened locker.  Preserved food and bottled water and blankets
and spare uniforms in standard sizes were piled on the floor all
around them.

     <It probably can't penetrate the concrete and earth around
us.  Still, it won't hurt to try.> Misato dialed the standard
emergency frequency.  "This is Major Katsuragi, in Eastern Sector
Shelter 124a.  I have the Second and Third with me.  Repeat, the
Second and Third are with me."

     There was no response.  She repeated herself.  "The battery
will be good for a while," she said with the best imitation of calm
she could muster.  "We'll try again in another half hour."

     Asuka and Shinji were still standing.  "Sit down," she told
them.  "Over here, with me."  There were blankets and pillows and
mattresses for twelve people, more than enough to warm the backs
and soften the seats of one major and two teenage pilots.  The glare
was uncomfortable, so she turned off all but one of the lights.

     "It wasn't supposed to happen like this," Asuka said.  "The
two of us unable to reach our Eva, trapped in a hole to die without
a chance to fight..."

     "Asuka, you're not going to die here."

     "And how do you know, Misato?" she said bitterly.

     "I know because thinking that way isn't going to get us
anywhere.  Because we aren't dead yet, and I'm not going to let
you give up.  Because I just _do_."

     "Rei was probably at home, either that or already in the
Geofront," Shinji said.  "She'll have to fight alone, I guess."

     "Yeah."

     They were silent for a moment.  Then Asuka said softly
"Good luck, Wondergirl."

     "Amen."

     "We should eat something," Misato said after two more
fruitless tries of the radio.  "Keep our strength up, so we'll be ready
when they come to collect us."  There was no response.  Shinji and
Asuka were sitting quietly, side by side.  Their hands were barely
touching.  At any other time she would have teased them for it. 
Instead she took out three meals, not noticing what might be in
them, and pulled the self-heating tabs.  "Here, eat."

     She was used to bad food: packaged junk, tenth-rate
takeaway, her own cooking.  The field rations were worse than all
of them put together.  She finished in five minutes and washed the
taste away with lukewarm water, wishing it were something
stronger.  

     She looked over at Shinji and Asuka.  They'd finished
eating as well, and now their hands were twined together. <Is this
what it takes to make them get along?> She tried the radio again. 
No response.

     "Misato?  What do you think is happening out there?"

     "I don't know, Shinji.  Rei is probably fighting the angel. 
I'd expect they have somebody looking for us, but if the only way
to reach us is by surface it may be a while.  Don't worry," she said
hastily, "the fuel cell is good for three weeks on full power and
we've a month's rations for twelve people."

     Asuka shivered slightly.  "What if... it's already over?"

     "Then someone will come find us that much sooner."

     "I mean, what if it's all over?  The angel won, Tokyo-3 is
gone..."  She shivered more strongly, and pressed herself against
Shinji's side.  He slipped an arm about her shoulders, and she didn't
resist.  This was a side of the arrogant Souryuu Asuka Langley
Misato had never seen before.  A vulnerable, frightened
girl...<whom I want to cuddle and cosset and...  Dear gods, what is
happening to me?>

     "Then we will _live_.  We have packs and food and spare
clothing; my ID and retina scan will unlock the arms cache.  We'll
leave the city and head for the countryside.  I'm sure once we get
to a town we'll be able to contact whatever's left of NERV." 
There was a strange thrill in her; to be alone with Asuka and Shinji
in the wilderness would be an escape from the sterility of her life in
Tokyo-3, the meaningless bureaucracy interspersed with terror and
the little apartment in the ugly building.  There would be privation,
and she would have to call on all the skills of woodcraft learned so
long ago in basic training, but there would also be stories by the
campfire and refreshing baths all together in cold streams. <Get off
that track _now_,> she told herself.

     "But what if it's just us?"

     "Then we'll have to learn to be kind to each other, won't
we?" <Why did I say that?  Asuka-chan, I didn't mean to hurt
you.> She reached out and ruffled her hair, just as she had Shinji's.

     Something was humming in the background; it took her a
moment to realise that it was getting louder. <Don't notice, please,
don't notice,> she silently begged her charges.

     "The angel is back," Asuka said with a terrifying flatness. 
"It's probably digging down to us."

     "Not necessarily," Misato replied, knowing in her heart that
it was all too likely. <At least I'm not on the bridge, watching them
alone in their Eva.  At least... I can hold them once before we go.>
"Come here."  She spread her arms, and they huddled together.  

     They were warm, and sweet-smelling beneath the fear-
sweat, clean young bodies and the berry scent of Asuka's shampoo
all but overwhelming the faint tang of LCL.  Shinji had put on
muscle and lost puppy fat since that first embrace at the train
station, and Asuka's back was strong, her breasts soft.  She realised
with sudden discomfort that they felt like adults, not children, and
that their closeness was stirring memories of high school and
college.  She willed the wave of lust to die down. <It's just a stupid
biological reaction.  I'm their guardian; what would they think if
they knew?  Even if they did... want it, want me, it would still be
wrong.>

     "Mama..." Asuka murmured. <See, you disgusting
creature,> Misato told herself, <that's how they think of you. 
Surrogate mother, elder sister, anything but a lover.  What sort of
dirty old woman are you?> "Mama, don't take me...Mama, I don't
want to go with you."

     "Shhh, Asuka, it's all right..."

     "But Misato, what if dying means I have to be with my
mother?  She... hanged herself in front of me.  I don't want to see
her again..."

     "Shhh.  You're mine.  I won't let her have you.  Shinji and I
will keep you by us, won't we?"

     "Yes."  She was proud of the steadiness in his voice.  "We
won't let anyone take our Asuka."

     "I used to imagine dying," Asuka whispered.  "I was always
in battle, alone in my Eva, surrounded by heaps of fallen foes.  Or I
was with Kaji-san, and there was just time enough to make love." 
She paused for a long moment.  "I'm glad it's this way instead."

     <I as well, my darling.> Instead of speaking, she hugged
them more tightly. <In a few minutes, I hope and pray, we'll 
be together in the Pure Land.  I don't deserve that much Heaven, 
but they say Jesus... Amida Buddha... someone... is merciful, 
so maybe we'll be the same age.  And even if there is nothing 
at all where we're going...  I will still die in your arms, 
with you in mine, and die happy.>

     The humming grew louder, and she pressed a kiss to each
brow.  "On your lips, in a better world," she murmured.

     An hour later, they were still alive.  "Maybe it's parked itself
above us," she mused, "licking its wounds while Rei goes back for
more weapons."

     Shinji and Asuka yawned at the same instant, and it was all
she could do not to laugh. <Must be their synchronisation training
still coming through.> "Let's try and get some rest."

     They were already fast asleep, slumped against her.  Their
arms were still tight around each other and herself, and she smiled
to see them so honest in their need. <Like the morning they
fought the Seventh Angel, when I went to collect them and found
them sleeping beside each other on the floor.  If only they could be
like this when they're awake and not in danger of death.>  She
knew she shouldn't expose herself to such temptation, but she
wasn't about to risk rousing them. <At least there's no security
camera.>   Carefully, she laid herself back in the little nest of
mattresses and pillows, bringing them with her.  "Good night, my
hearts," she whispered, and followed them into slumber.


     "Mmmmm."  Someone was nuzzling her, ever so softly. 
Insistent fingers unbuttoned her blouse.  Warm lips followed them,
gently kissing the exposed skin; girl's lips, like a memory of
boarding school trysts.  She opened her eyes to see Asuka slowly making
her way down her torso.

     <This is a dream.  A wonderful, golden dream.  Either that
or we died during the night and are now in Paradise.>  She reached 
down and drew the redhead up for a deep kiss that seemed to taste of 
sweat and roses.

     "Misato?  Asuka?"

     "Shin-chan, we're so glad you're awake, aren't we?"

     "Oh, yes."  After a momentary hesitant brushing of lips 
that warmed her more than their bodies, the two pilots kissed.

     "Come here, my darling."  He was inexperienced, but very
gentle. <Feels like Asuka-chan has done some of this before. 
Hmm, boy or girl?> She was kissing in the angle of Misato's neck,
just the right amount of suction to please without marking.  Then
her mouth began to descend again, lower, this time. Without
thinking, Misato moved her hips to ease the removal of her
garments.  "Oh my goddess!  Asuka!"  <Well, that answers
my question; girl, for certain,> she thought in some last rational
part of her mind.

     She bit down reflexively on Shinji's ear as sensation raced
through her body. <I hope I didn't hurt him.> "Thank you, Misato-
san," he moaned.  She shivered at the sweet submission in his voice. 
<I guess I really am a pervert.>

     "Come up here, pretty girl," she said softly.  Their three lips
met in a tender, clumsy triple kiss.  "I think our Asuka's over-
dressed, don't you, Shin-chan?  Let's help her..."  She took his
hand gently in hers, moved it to the fasteners of Asuka's school
jumper.  "Here, it opens like this."  Together, they slipped the
garment off her shoulders and down her body.
  
     Asuka fumbled with her blouse.  "M...may I?" Shinji
whispered.  Their eyes met.

     "Please?"  Her expression was soft and shy.  He unknotted
the soft neck ribbon, and opened the first button.  She smiled, and
he kissed her, on the lips, on the chin, on the throat, and lower.

     <I love them.  I truly do.>  Misato didn't like the complex 
tangle of feelings that accompanied the thought.  She thrust them 
aside and busied herself with Shinji's clothes.

     "Ohhhhhhh..."

     "I'm sorry-- "

     The girl was squirming, desperate.  "Don't stop, Shin-chan,
you're doing fine."

     "Mmmmmm.... thank you..."


     Someone was sobbing, very quietly, as she drifted back to 
wakefulness.  "Asuka?" she whispered.  Shinji was warm against 
her back, fast asleep.

     "Misato?"

     "What's wrong, sweetling?"

     "I'm... I don't know, I'm just..."  Her fingers were wrapped
round the white cross that hung from the older woman's neck.

     <She's afraid.  And she can't even say it.> "Shhh, darling. 
It's all right."  The tears were wet on her breast.  She buried her
nose in the girl's red hair, stroking her back. "Saaa, my pet, 
my treasure."

     "Misato, I... when I thought we were going to die, it didn't
matter.  But now..."

     "I know.  'Death is lighter than a feather, Duty heavier than
a mountain.'  I've always hated sending the people I care for out to
fight while I sit safe in the Geofront."

     "Misato... I love you.  Love you both."  The words were so
quiet she could barely hear them.

     "And I you, Asuka-chan.  Both of you.  Sleep, my heart."


     Something was different when she woke for the third time. 
It took her a moment to realise that a tiny light by the elevator 
was now green.  The all-clear had rung.  For the first time, she 
understood the ancient love poets' hatred for the dawn.  "Rise up, 
my darlings; we must away."

     Their eyes were bleary and confused with sleep, and they
tugged at her heart. <My loves, my sweets, what have I done? 
Stolen your innocence, or given you the only comfort I had to
give?>  She hugged them, held them hard and tight.  "We have to
get dressed before someone comes looking and finds us."

     They didn't talk as they scrubbed with waterless cleanser
and tried to put themselves back into order.  Misato found a pair of
morning-after pills in her purse, and gave one to Asuka.  They
swallowed them in silent companionship, sharing a bottle of water.

     Before they took the elevator there was one last embrace,
desperate and needy and wordless.  The street above was cool in
the early morning light.  Misato sighed, and wished she could
simply take her family and run.  Instead, she took Shinji's phone
and called in.  "Hello, Ritsuko.  Misato here..."


Epilogue One:
     Asuka ran out of the flat just as she was coming in.  
"Hey, wait a sec..."  Too late, she was down the hall and 
into the elevator.  Misato watched the falling numbers for 
a moment.  At two she sighed and turned back to the door.  "I'm 
home!"

     "Welcome."

     "What happened?"  His cheek was red, and she recognised
the slight catch in his breath as he tried to keep from crying.

     "Doesn't matter."

     "Yes, it does."  She reached out and laid her hand on his
shoulder.  Somehow they wound up in each other's arms. <He's
taller.  Almost up to my eyes, now.> "Come and sit down on the 
couch.  Let's have a drink."

     He opened his mouth as if to protest, shut it without a word, 
nodded.  She opened the refrigerator, considered the cans of beer 
for a moment, then turned away. <This calls for whiskey.> "Neat, 
or with ice?"

     "I don't know."

     "I'll give you the ice, then."  She took down two tumblers, 
opened the freezer.  "Damnation, used it all for my headache."
She considered a moment, splashed water into one, and brought 
out the heavy green glass bottle.  They sat down together.

     <He does have an adorable smile,> she thought as he took
the glass from her hand. <I'm glad he uses it more often these
days.> He took a healthy gulp, and spluttered.

     She couldn't help but laugh.  "Be careful, Shinji, you're not
used to this stuff.  Just take a sip.  Let it roll across your tongue." 
They sat quietly for some minutes.

     "Hmm, maybe this doesn't taste so bad."

     "It'll grow on you, Shin-chan.  Anyway, what's wrong?"

     "She acts just the same as before.  Always angry, always
mocking, taunting... I wish... I didn't..."  She set her glass down 
on the low table and put an arm around his shoulders.

     "Saaa, my sweet.  Sometimes we don't like them very much, the
people we love."

     "Does she even remember?"

     "Yes."

     "How can you tell?"

     "I see it in her eyes.  Don't you?"

     "When she doesn't think anyone's looking?"

     She nodded.  "She's so confused, and she's been hurt so
many times, and she doesn't know what to do.  I'm afraid it's all
my fault--"

     "No, it isn't."

     "I should have been stronger.  I should have waited until
you were older, and not under my command.  What kind of officer 
takes her pilots to bed?"

     "One who loves them.  One whom they love."

     "Shinji, I've been perfectly dreadful."

     "I wanted it just as much as you.  So did Asuka."

     "I'm not even talking about that.  Shinji, I've done so many
horrid things to you.  I dragged you into living with me, then I kept
a journal on you as if you were some sort of lab animal.  After you
won your second fight and saved your friends' lives, I treated you
like dirt, and even hit you.  When Asuka came, I made fun of you in
front of her and Ayanami."

     He stroked her hair, gingerly. <My Shinji... still so
innocent.>   "You cared about me.  You were the first person who
ever did.  You opened up your heart and you took me into your
home, and when I tried to run away you came and stopped me. 
You held me in your arms on a train platform, and you didn't mind
that anyone might see.

     "You tease people; it's part of who you are, and I know
what you mean by it.  And your journal... I read a bit of it, once. 
You said 'He is cute.'  You're the only one has ever said that." 
She pulled him closer.

     "When I first told Ritsuko you would be living with me, she 
accused me of wanting to... you know.  I told her I wasn't so 
desperate that I'd jump a child.  And here I've gone and slept
with two people half my age. 

     "Sometimes I think that you and Asuka aren't really
children, and I'm not sure if that makes me feel better or
worse.  I'm afraid it's my fault, that I went and destroyed 
whatever was left of your childhood, the way the Impact
destroyed mine."

     "No, you didn't.  You've given us love and hope.  No one
else has ever done that, for either of us."

     "Shinji... sometimes I think I'm not really an adult myself. 
When I was your age the world fell apart, and I stopped growing
up.  I'm desperately afraid I might have done the same to the two
of you."

     "No, Misato..."  She wrapped herself around him, and he
around her, together in a tangle of arms and legs and half-sober
tears and kisses.  The door opened.  A single heartbeat, and there
was a blurring of red hair and pale limbs and blue-gray uniform
across the room, a warm solid mass suddenly on the couch and in
their arms.  

     "I'm home," Asuka whispered.


Epilogue Two:
     The surveillance clip ended.  "What action do you intend,
Commander?"

     "None."

     "But sir, Major Katsuragi is obviously guilty of
fraternisation..."

     "Leave it be, Subcommander.  I see no reason to believe
that this... incident will interfere with the performance of military
duties by either the Major or the pilots."
********************

     This fic began with my reading a number of citric stories
involving Misato and one or more of her charges.  Most of them,
frankly, squicked me.  After some reflection, I realised that it
wasn't so much the idea of Misato and Shinji and Asuka in bed that
bothered me (thinking about it, Misato comes off as a badly hurt
child to nearly the same degree as the Children), as it was the
presentation of the characters' thoughts and motivations.  Misato
was depicted, in most cases, as an unthinking slut and the sex as
simply a pleasant little interlude between Angel-killings.  No
doubts, no uncertainties, no messy emotions.  No depth.

     This was written as an exercise to see if I could improve on
the genre.  If it disturbed you, I'm sorry.  To be honest, it disturbed
me as well, to the point that I seriously considered not releasing it. 
But consider, if you will, the world the characters of Evangelion
inhabit; in such darkness, any love, any kindness, any comfort is too
precious to be dismissed.  Ubi caritas et amor, Deus ibi est.