sunday, february 17, 2002

this evening, when y and i were dining in the kitchen, mom sat with us and started talking and in 2 minutes we're bored already. whatever i said, she tried to make a joke over it and it's not funny. she's the only one who's laughing about it while i didn't say a word, just kept eating, and y smiled politely (how could i not love this person). it was supposed to be a quiet yet comfortable dinner for y and i, but then all i wanted was just to finish asap and left the table.

all i want is a normal family like everybody else has. is it too much to ask? it started when i was in high school, one day mom thought she could make contact with spirits and she began acting weird everytime she got "contact". everything's never been the same again ever since. she thinks she knows everything (duh, it's a human instinct and everybody has it), she predicts the future (which never occur), and she gets mad easily. when she's "normal", she's such a sweet loving mother and i can tell almost anything to her.

poor dad. everytime she's mad at him (not intirely her fault though) and started yelling, i just walk out of the room, try not to listen. when i was little, i hardly saw my parents argue and now i see it every single day. i can't stand it. i can't understand any of this. i feel like i want to pack my things and move out, with my computer of course, and my dolls. but i don't want to leave them. i love them though, and i know no one understands them more than i do.

@ 11:54 p.m. GMT+8
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sunday, february 17, 2002

name analysis

y: your first name irvan creates individuality, independence, self-confidence, initiative, and an inclination to physical activity. you are not inclined to merge your opinions and viewpoints with others, to accept compromise, or to work in a subservient position against your will. your expression is invariably quite direct and candid, and lacks the moderating tone of tact, diplomacy, and friendliness. others find it difficult to accept your domineering and, at times, argumentative manner. your circle of friends is restricted to those of like nature. once friendship is established, you are very loyal and steadfast and do not tolerate gossip or criticism. in your close associations and family life, there is little demonstration of sentiment, appreciation, sympathy, or encouragement. it is difficult for you to find the right words for such circumstances. weaknesses in the health caused by this name centre in the head.

me: your first name elizabeth gives you a very idealistic but passive outlook on life. you desire culture and all the refinements of life but you are inclined to live in your dreams. although you would like to do many things, procrastination undermines your accomplishment and success in life. you do not like to create issues and will do anything to avoid a conflict. making decisions is difficult for you without the support and approval of others. this name gives you a very sensitive nature, making you feel much that you do not understand. your feelings are easily hurt, at which times you are inclined to withdraw and become uncommunicative. although you desire the friendship and association of others, you find it difficult to express your thoughts through the spoken word, and others find you hard to get to know. it is much more natural for you to express your deeper thoughts in writing. inner tension can deplete your physical vitality. you are inclined to indulge in rich foods that lack proper nourishment. the physical weaknesses due to this name centre in the heart and respiratory organs, and in the fluid functions.

@ 11:56 a.m. GMT+8
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saturday, february 16, 2002

saturday, february 16, 2002

i just watched romy and michelle's high school reunion starring mira sorvino and lisa kudrow. it's about two best friends who've been rooming together in LA since graduated from high school in tucson. on sagebrush high school class of '87 ten-year reunion, the two blonds try to impress the classmates who used to ridicule them about how they've become successful business women.

so ... i'd better off now. i'm sleepy.

@ 3:25 a.m. GMT+8
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friday, february 15, 2002

i woke up to j's call this morning. she wondered why i never call her again and that she hasn't seen me for almost 2 months now. i didn't tell her that i've been busy with y and yes, i miss my friends a lot, but i don't regret every single day i spend with y because i want to. i called a last night from the party. he's at nikita, and the others were there too: b, j, and bd. so i sent messages to j's and bd's cellphone, saying happy valentine and hope they're fine. i wonder if they miss me ...

so, today's actually great. another day with y. we went to gramedia bookstore, bought some books, then went home right away as we didn't wanna miss betty. he's leaving in 2-3 days though, so i'm kinda feeling sad but trying to enjoy everything.

what's your style?

@ 11:25 p.m. GMT+8
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thursday, february 14, 2002

i'm watching you've got mail on sctv. i've watched it like hundred times a couple of years ago when i borrowed the cd from a friend but i still love seeing the movie again. i happen to like sleepless in seattle which is coincidently also played by tom hanks and meg ryan.

y kept saying he couldn't find flowers for me but then at 2:30 someone delivered me two valentine's flower bouquets: a big one and a hand one, both orchids. it was so sweet, and what a surprise! :) then y and i went to the superstore this afternoon, looking for a gift for vanka. we got a really cute gorilla doll which i was really fond of too actually. and i was also looking for something to give to y but we only had a really short time so i couldn't think of anything. i ended up feeling miserable as i couldn't get him a valentine gift.

vanka's birthday was huge for a 1 year old baby girl. the kids' party was at 4 and there were like hundred of them, singing, playing, listening to stories, eating cakes and getting baloons. the next party was even bigger, i can't imagine how her 17th birthday will be. friends, relatives and neighbors were coming and vanka was such a sweet little angel, smiling all the time and she has won everybody's heart. i also got to know some of y's relatives from tolitoli. they were funny and so friendly, i felt like i was part of the family. but when we were leaving, one of them asked me whether i don't get along with y's sister as she didn't see us talking.

i was trying to find excuses like we hardly have something to talk about. the truth is, we never talk - again - as we used to. maybe in 4-5 meetings, we only talk once. i don't know what's going on or even if i care. but it's so obvious to everybody else and they think that we're not really getting along. this is the point when i feel rejected. maybe i'm just being too sensitive, as always. but it's been bothering me ... and i don't feel quite comfortable being in the same room with her because i know she's the only person i don't talk to.

just forget what i've said. it's only a thought, and nothing but a wrong one.

anyway, i also got really disappointed tonight when i was trying to share one moment of my childhood to y. as i was talking to him, his mom asked him to get a knife for vanka's cake. it was fine with me, but then he got busy with the baby and when he came back, he totally forgot i was talking to him earlier. or maybe he didn't listen at all. so i never finished the story.

so here's the story. as i watched vanka opening her birthday presents, it reminded me of one time when i was little and my family was on vacation at singapore. as we were waiting for the plane at the airport, mom and i went to a store full with dolls, i don't remember what kind of dolls there were but mom said i looked around antusiastically, grabbed one doll and held it really tight in my arms. but then mom took the doll from me and gave me another doll which looked better and more expensive of course. so i took the doll without a word but i didn't hold it as tight as the first one. the moral of the story: you already know that right?

basically, i had so much fun tonight with y and his family.

@ 12:20 p.m. GMT+8
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thursday, february 14, 2002

i still haven't got anything for y and neither has he. he just called, asking me what i want for my valentine gift. i said i want his love, and he got confused. me too. i'm stuck here, typing the liturgy for vanka's birthday tonight (meaning: y and i won't have time for our valentine's stuff). the service will be @ 7 p.m. at her grandparents' house and we're supposed to be there at 5. we can't make it to lunch over his house. his mom called him and he said he's got something important to do and we'll be there later this evening with the liturgy. well, we surely have no time for our valentine stuff tonight. nvm. as long as he's here with me.
but i gotta go out this noon. i gotta find something for y. maybe i can get him a book, CD or something he's always wanted (whatever it might be as long as i have the money) with a stalk of red rose lol. he will definitely have a good laugh over my gift.

@ 1:12 p.m. GMT+8
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thursday, february 14, 2002

which sex and the city player are you?

carrie quotes:
"you can't make friends with a squirrel. squirrels are just rats with cuter outfits."
"i'm thinking balls are to men, what purses are to women. it's just a little bag but we'd feel naked in public without it."
"the only thing i've ever successfully made in the kitchen is a mess. and several small fires."

and this auction is really crazy, sent by pearlblu.

@ 9:24 a.m. GMT+8
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thursday, february 14, 2002

i watched message in a bottle on tv. it was about finding a special someone and an everlasting love. you have so much love for someone that when you lost that person, a part of you died too. you keep memories of him, leaving things as the last time he touched them, thinking that's the only way to keep both of you alive. it's so sad, so painful. i'm really grateful for the love y and i share and that i've been blessed for having such a sweet loving person like y. i thank God for every minute i have with y because i know he's the one who's getting us together.

m was right when she said y'd be back. he did come back. he came over, we made up and had dinner together. when he got here, without a word he hugged me. and we just stood there, holding each other really tight for like 2-3 minutes. it was wonderful. i knew there was nothing to say. nothing at all. we both knew everything was fine again.

anyway, i got this from t. cute eh? thanks t, i love you ^_^

@ 3:37 a.m. GMT+8
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thursday, february 14, 2002

this reminds me of the first bouquet y gave me on my birthday two years ago. a bouquet of fake sunflowers (it's hard to find fresh sunflowers here).

happy valentine's day y, and everyone! ^_^

@ 12:05 p.m. GMT+8
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