friday, february 22, 2002

lovescope-gemini: embrace the childlike wonder that you used to possess. play hide and seek or eat cereal for dinner. it will leave you more alluring than ever.

hide and seek? i'm too old for that. eat cereal? i never liked the taste whether with or without milk, and never will. so anyway, i'm happy today. but i'm a bit sad because he's going back to jogja on sunday and this time is for real. :(

i just redesigned my diary. it looks more alive now ;) so from now on i'm just going to make a short entry here but still often, about 2-3 entries per day whenever i want, and write a long one in my diary.

@ 11:45 p.m. GMT+8
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friday, february 22, 2002

last night t and i tried to hack one special email with this (just checked, the page is currently unavailable). t suggested we use her email address and password so the password of the email we were trying to hack would be sent to her email. i told her we'd better make a new email so that if it was a fraud, we would have nothing to lose. i tried first but failed since the hacking process somehow needs microsoft outlook and mine kept crashing. then t tried, continued to the next page somehow, and yes, it is indeed a trap! luckily we didn't use our own email. that guy might be clever, but sorry ... t and i are smarter! :)

@ 10:23 a.m. GMT+8
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friday, february 22, 2002

to all my muslim friends, families and relatives ...

@ 9:40 a.m. GMT+8
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thursday, february 21, 2002

What day are you?

Monday's Child is fair of face
Tuesday Child is full of grace
Wednesday's Child is full of woe
Thursday's Child has far to go
Friday's Child is loving and giving
Saturday's Child works hard for a living
But Sunday's Child is fair and wise, and good and gay

so it 's a great day today and i had a wonderful time, again, with y. he's still a little upset about what we had talked on wednesday night though, but we're okay now. my life's complete again.

@ 11:02 p.m. GMT+8
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thursday, february 21, 2002

lovescope-gemini: it's a great day for romance! you're feeling alive. let someone special bask in your beauty and youthful energy.

of course it's a great day today because ... y's still HERE! woohoo! the whole story is: he called me up, telling me one of his cousins, kak eka, is leaving to jogja today and he asked me to bring his black sweater i gave him on his last birthday to his house so he could have it with my perfume still on it tonight. i haven't washed it yet so i told him i was busy and i would send the sweater by vip later today. he got really upset with me and hanged up the phone. so i, feeling so guilty and miserable, washed my face, brushed my teeth, changed my pijama - all done in 5 minutes - and got myself a cab to his house. i told the driver to wait because it wouldn't take long as i was just gonna give the sweater to his mom and went back home. i walked to the house and the door was wide opened. strange. the car was in the garage but looked like nobody's home. i was about to knock the door when suddenly y jumped out of nowhere!!

so today is really a great day for me. yupee!

@ 5:49 p.m. GMT+8
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wednesday, february 20, 2002

lovescope gemini: let your loved one know that you will be there for them. show them what they mean to you in words and actions.
message from y @ 11:09 p.m.: i do love you
but ...?
i felt like calling him but i was afraid he wouldn't answer the phone. so i didn't. i just stared at the monitor again, heartbroken. but then 5 minutes later he called. he said he miss me, i said i miss him too. he asked me why i didn't want to see him this morning before he went to the airport. i told him i went out with p to tomohon and i didn't make it home before 11:30. we talked and everything went back to normal.

i miss him. i miss his kiss, i miss his touch, i miss his smell, i miss caressing his hair while he was sleeping, i miss watching him sleeping, i miss watching him eating. i miss the way we would sit together on one chair, holding each other tight. i miss watching our fave telenovela every 6 p.m. together. i miss washing his hair on the bathroom sink, he would look up to me, smiling, and i would lean once in a while to kiss him. i miss everything we had for almost two months. i have lost a part of my soul ... (why am i so pathetic?!)

@ 11:58 p.m. GMT+8
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wednesday, february 20, 2002

i feel hopeless right now. not just that y's no longer here, but also because i know everything's never gonna be the same again. as i was walking home, i passed the place where y used to play winning eleven with his new friends (he always won the game!) it was painful as i knew he wasn't there.

i just finished downloading anywhere the wind blows, the soundtrack of seven girl friends and now i'm listening to vonda shepard's you belong to me. i wish i could slow dance to this music with y. i've never danced with any boyfriend since my 17th birthday. i remember one time though, y and i were standing in the living room, holding each other so tight, then suddenly we started moving like we were dancing. it was so peaceful and quiet, there was no sound of anything at all. seemed like the time stopped, everything else stopped moving, and we're the only who were moving to a slow dance. it was beautiful ...

now i'm listening to adam sandler's i wanna grow old with you. i'll miss you kiss you give you my coat when you are cold... need you feed you even let you hold the remote control... so let me do the dishes and the kitchen sink, put you to bed when you had too much to drink...oh if i could be the man who grows old with you... i wanna grow old with you...

@ 4:29 p.m. GMT+8
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wednesday, february 20, 2002

today is p's birthday. i just got back from tomohon with her, buying some white and yellow crisants. since it's her day and she thought no one would give her flowers (i plan to do so actually) so she would make herself happy. we got the chance to have a long talk on the way to tomohon and back. we shared stories about enrico and y, giving each other incouragement and support and it made us feel better. we hadn't done this for a very long time since y came. so i was hoping that i would be home before 11:30 but now it's 12:10. i looked for my cellphone and found 3 missed calls from y @ 10:54. i miss him. he's probably on the way to the airport right now and i won't see me again until december.

this is painful. last night he told me he'd be leaving today and we had a serious talk about our relationship. the point is i've made a big mistake. while he wasn't here last year, my ex boyfriend came to my house several times to play a game he's so crazy about on my computer and y thinks there's something more between us. he can't understand why my ex and i could become friends because it just doesn't make sense to him. he told me as much as he enjoyed being with me and knew how much we love each other, he couldn't get over it, so we should break up and see what happen if we meet each other again in december. i was lost. it sounded to me more like, "we break up now and will never see each other again. ever." what was i thinking when i let my ex come to my house? it was nothing. he's my friend because he's good at it. he gave me courage when i almost gave up on y. he understands that i love y; one thing he knows i've never had to anyone before. this is my fault. i've screwed up everything.

i'm staring at the door, imagining y would step in and tell me he just tease me, again. that he's not leaving and everything is just like how it used to be. nothing has changed. see, i'm fooling myself again. he's gone. and this time is for good.

"so kiss me and smile for me.. tell me that you'll wait for me... hold me like you'll never let me go.. coz i'm leaving on a jet plane, i don't know when i'll be back again.. oh babe, i hate to go.."

@ 12:07 a.m. GMT+8
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thuesday, february 19, 2002

i can't write anything!!! not a single damn thing! i wish i had the guts to kill myself tonight, but i couldn't. i feel so weak. i wish i had a gun so i can just shoot my head, rather than bleed myself to death with a knife.

@ 12:07 a.m. GMT+8
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thuesday, february 19, 2002

i feel ... empty. i don't feel a thing. i look up to the sky, overcast, like it's going to rain soon. i'm supposed to do something today, maybe helping my mom cleaning up the house or washing clothes, but i don't even want to start. i wish i could be somewhere else, dancing with butterflies and flowers and fairies in a beautiful garden and the song is crazy love. so anyway, i'm talking with chubby @ msn right now. two days ago chubby told me he called stephanie and the number diverted to another number which was her husband's, ruddy. oops, she's married??! and now he said rick had met stephanie and she didn't look like the picture she sent. in scale 1 - 10, she's under 5 and moreover she's probably married. ouch! i hate her. chubby's my best friend and she's making fun of him :(

no good news today. i don't know if i'm going to be happy or if y's coming today. he's kinda upset with me last night, probably something i said. i miss him though, yet i'm tired of worrying. i took the color test (see my result here), it describes my current mood pretty well. as of late, you have been experiencing untold stress .. and this is a result of continuous frustration ... true. i feel so frustrated when i can't speak out my mind or when i don't understand what went wrong. once you can free yourself from all the aggravation and tension around you, you will make strides that may amaze you. you will not be prevented from achieving all the things you so desire.. yay! it's about time. but when? i just can't wait.

@ 11:00 a.m. GMT+8
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thuesday, february 19, 2002

which action star are you?

who are you?

which buffy girl are you?

@ 9:30 a.m. GMT+8
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monday, february 18, 2002

i'm still reading the book y bought me yesterday, stories for the family's heart. i've learnt so far that there are people who also have problems with their families and they manage to work things out, with the help of other people and God. i believe in God and have faith in Him, but i don't pray often unless in church, before eating (more like an obligation), when i need something or when i'm scared. i never pray just because i need someone to talk to, because i'm not used to revealing my problems to others. i just keep it quiet in my mind, try to find the way out myself, and usually it's never really solved.

i wish i could have more patience and caring and understanding because right now they're the least i have.

@ 11:05 p.m. GMT+8
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monday, february 18, 2002

i checked my email today and i got one from t. she said i should get a comment box for my blog, so today i add it at the left side as you can see now.

@ 10:05 a.m. GMT+8
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