Song is "Your are so Beautiful" Zachary's Story On Tuesday, December 7, 1999, I had gone for an ultrasound. The reason for the ultrasound was that I had been measuring a little small and I was kind of worried about it. The doctor didn't think that I should worry about it because I had been consistantly small throughout my pregnancy. I also wasn't sure on how accurate the due date was. At this point and time I was almost 34 weeks with the due date still January 20 to January 22. I had the ultrasound done at 3:15 p.m. While I was in there the technician had asked if I had been leaking any fluid. (First red flag) She then had to have another technician come into the room to get the measurements of Zachary because she couldn't get them. (Second red flag) She then asked if I had any recent contrations. (Third red flag) After leaving the room a couple of times, (I find out now to call the radiologist and my doctor) I knew something was wrong. At this point it is now 4:00, and my ultrasounds never take more than 20 minutes. She let me go to the bathroom, and when I came back she showed me his heartbeat and where his hands, feet and spine were. After I saw that and was relieved, she told me that she was waiting for my doctor to call back. (Not a good sign) I went into the waiting area where I called Wayne to tell him something wasn't right. When my doctor finally called at 4:30 p.m. he told me I had to go to Christ Hospital for a Level II ultrasound because there was very little fluid and they couldn't get a good read of the baby. I drove home by myself, rather hysterically. That night, we tried to figure out what all of this could mean. We didn't know what it meant that there was "very little amniotic fluid" in there, and we didn't know what to think. Our thoughts were that maybe they would have to take Zachary early. On December 8, 1999, at 1:00 p.m. I went for the Level II ultrasound. The ultrasound tech and doctor came in and told us there could be possibly 4 things wrong with Zachary. 1. Low Amniotic fluid caused by a hole somewhere. 2. Kidney problems 3. Something wrong with the urinary area 4. Something wrong with the cord. At this point they thought they were seeing kidneys, but in fact what they were seeing were the pockets of where they should have been. By 2:00 they were telling us they were going to send us to labor & delivery and take the baby by c-section. They had to take him by c-section because he was breech and there was no amniotic fluid - with no fluid the possibility of him getting stuck was pretty high. Well, our world just came to a stop. We had no idea there was anything even wrong with our baby, Zachary Wayne. After waiting for the c-section (6 hours, because there were more serious emeregency's before us) Zachary was born at 8:10 p.m., and was 4 lbs. and 16 1/2 inches long, with a lot of hair. My husband, Wayne, heard 2 cry's from him and they whisked him off to the NICU. I was sort of in la-la-land because of the drugs they had given me, so I didn't hear him cry. I woke up in the recovery room to the doctor telling us if we wanted Zachary baptized we had better do it now. That was the first I had even heard there was anything wrong with Zachary. I threw up and started to cry. They immediately brought all of us into the NICU (bed and all, with 9 other members of my family). I got to touch him and hold him and love him for a little while. He was perfect from the outside, Didn't have any of the potter's facies, but his ears were a little stuck to his head. That was all. When I would talk to him, you could see his eyes move under his lids. I kept thinking they were going to be able to perform some sort of miracle surgery, and my little boy would be alright. The doctor's then informed us there was nothing that could be done. After trying to figure out what to do about Zach, (hoping above all hopes that they'd find some miracle surgery) we then decided to take him off all the machines. They placed Zachary in our arms, turned off all the machines and monitors. They marked his time of death as the time they turned the machines off, but he was still breathing his last breaths in our arms. They brought us into a room where we got to hold him for a while. This was the hardest moment of our lives. The hours between 8:10 p.m and 11:55 p.m. We went in that day thinking our baby would be okay, and at 11:55 p.m. he died. Had we known we were going to lose him, we would have brought our camera to take pictures. We did get a few polaroids from the hospitals camera, but they aren't the best pictures. We came to find out the next day that he had no kidney's, ureters, or bladder. The main reason for his cause of death was Oligohydramnios - lungs not developed because of the lack of amniotic fluid. Many peole don't realize what the amniotic fluid is. I know we didn't. Amniotic fluid is what a baby breaths in. As the baby breaths it in, it moistens the lungs. The lungs get the nutrients to grow from that. The fluid also goes through the baby's system. When it gets to the kidney's the baby will then urinate it out, and it's a continuous cycle - breath it in, urinate it out - over and over. Since there were no kidney's, he couldn't urinate and therefore no amniotic fluid was being replenished. There is no surgery that could have fixed this. It is a fluke thing. The reason they can't do surgery is as follows. 1. It is VERY difficult to find any kidney's from a baby that small. 2. Zach would have needed the bladder, ureter, & kidney, 3. You can't put an object into a body that it never had - the body wouldn't know what to do with it, and would reject it. 4. Because his lungs were underdeveloped, there would be no way of "developing" them. They were too dry, and you can't "moisten" them to develop them. We would have done anything in our power to save our little boy's life, but God did want him for another reason. We are not quite sure what His plan's our for Zach, or for us. We just have to put our trust in Him - Even on the day's when we are so angry that's he's gone. PLEASE don't be afraid to talk to us about our little angel - it is the ONLY way for us to remember him, and we love to talk about him. When people don't bring it up, it hurts. Almost as if they don't want to acknowledge him. We need to talk about him. We have 5 children, and I don't want anyone to forget that. We have been blessed with 4 beautiful girls. Twins, Elizabeth & Brittany, Kylie, and Mackenzie. We thank the Lord that we have them in our lives. We take comfort in knowing that Zachary has a new address - HEAVEN! We Love and Thank God for all of you in our lives. Much love & prayers to all of you. Wayne & Trisha Boss From the Heart On December 8, 2002, I was asked if I would give a testimonial in front of our church. I am going to share part of that with you below. This is what I can honestly say after Zachy being in Heaven for 6 years. I would like to start off with a sort of visual if you would join me in this. I want you to think back to when you were having your children. When you were in that delivery room and the doctor told you you were almost there. The baby's coming. And then the doctor tells you "It's a girl, or It's a boy". You here this beautiful baby cry, and they show you this incredible baby. The love you feel for this baby is just so overwhelming. You can't ever take that feeling away. It is an unconditional love more awesome than anything else. Now imagine, the nurse cleaning up your baby and bringing your child to you to hold for the first time. What an awesome moment. Nothing that time can erase. Well, for Wayne and I, we did not have such and experience with Zach. Zach was born at 8:10 pm, 3 years ago tonight. When Zachy was born, we heard him cry, they showed him to us, and then took him away. While I was still in surgery, they were taking him to the NICU. After my surgery, and while waiting in recovery, I woke up to hearing "if you'd like your son baptized, you'd better do it now." WHOA WHOA WHOA. What do you mean my son is going to die? What is wrong with him? This can't be right? The doctor's are wrong! The doctor's just said it was a kidney infection and that he'd probably be home within 6 weeks. This isn't happening! There are so many thoughts flying through your head at that moment. Then some of the thoughts that started bombarding me where - What did I do wrong? Why did God punish me? What did I possibly do to deserve this? Why God, WHY!!! I took care of myself when I was pregnant! Why on earth would you give him to us for only 4 little hours? It must be punishment for my actions in the past! It has to be. Why else would you to this to me. From then on out, I felt so much guilt. It was my fault. God isn't forgiving me. I did something wrong. WHY ME!?!?! 2 weeks after Zach passed away, I found a support group on-line called the Potter's Syndrome Support Group. Unbelievably, this website was built on December 3, - just a mere 5 days before Zachy was born. It was made by a women who also lost a son to Potter's Syndrome on October 8 - just 2 months before Zachy passed away. Through this website, I was glad to find support from women who knew EXACTLY what I was going through. I was able to vent, talk, laugh, and cry uncontrollably, and hear their stories and what they've been through. Some of us were at different points in our grieving. There was a women on the support group from Canada, Michele, who offered to make a website for Zachary. She didn't want any money for doing it - said it was in honor of her daughter, Gabriella. Michele made his website and did a wonderful job. Over 5100 people have been to his site. Through his site, I started receiving these wonderful e-mails from all over the world. Literally - Australia, England, Ireland, Norway, Switzerland. People were so touched by his site, and amazed at our strength to tell his story. Through his site, I started realizing that maybe Zachy didn't die in vain. There had to be a reason that God gave us only 4 short hours with him. But what? We are not the ministering type, and maybe Zach's site is our way of being able to minister to those who don't have the faith. Through Zachy's death, there were immediate changes between Wayne & I. We had receive a booklet from the grievance counselor at the hospital. The first paragraph of the book stated that 85% of parents who lose a child will end up in divorce. I'd heard that statistic before, and was just in awe at the high number. I remember sitting in that bed, looking at him, and telling him "we can NOT let this happen to us". I can so easily see where it can tear a couple apart. I can see where he could blame me for doing something wrong while I was pregnant. Thank goodness we know that it is NOTHING we could have prevented if we could. I didn't need any more guilt at that point. We had the autopsy done, and we were glad we did. It was a weight lifted from our hearts knowing that we could not have prevented this. Nothing could have been done to save him had we found out any earlier in pregnancy. From the day Zach died, Wayne and I have never been closer. Maybe that was another reason God had taken Zachy from us - we needed to become better spouses to each other, and better parents to our children. And we have. We have learned not to take our children for granted. Sometimes when they are just driving me nuts, I have to pull myself aside and just say "I would give anything in the world to have Zachy yelling at me, or breaking something, or drawing murals ALL over the walls of the house with crayons and markers". It puts it all in perspective. We had Mackenzie on January 11, just 13 months after Zachy passed away. Two weeks after that, I went into the hospital after hemorraging. I felt in my heart that I was NOT going to make it. And in a wierd sort of way, I wasn't scared. Months after the surgery, I told Wayne what I was thinking on my way up to have a hysterectomy. I said "That night, I wanted to tell you that I would give Zach a big hug and kiss from you, and tell him you love him". That was a turning point for me again. After surgery, I found myself feeling that I wasn't afraid to die. They say that after you have a near death experience you aren't afraid to die. I am Not afraid. I can't wait for the day that I will get to be in glory, and see Jesus, and see my baby. That day will be the most joyous day I can imagine. I often tell people that Zachy still lives with us. He just lives at a different address - HEAVEN! There are many experiences we have felt with losing Zach. There are some who say "Just move on." "Haven't you gotten over it yet?" "Why can't she just let it go?" And yes, this is what some people say. I will never get over it. Ask any other parent who has lost a child. They will tell you the same thing. Yes, we may have only had 4 hours with him, but we don't have those memories of Zachy's first smile, his first steps, first day of school, or to ever watch him grow, get married, and have children of his own. That is why it is so difficult to watch other little boys who are 3, and it is something that I will have to deal with, but I've learned to deal with it in my own way. We have also learned that it is okay to be angry. I was angry for a very long time. It is only human nature. I can honestly say how angry I was at God, and when I came to church, I didn't want to be here. Am I past that point, yes. I still get very angry, but it isn't at God anymore. I just want to be selfish and have him back here with me. Yes, I know he is in a far more better place, but he isn't with us. I just have to live my life for the day when the Lord also calls me home. I want to read a poem to you that I had received after Zach died. It means so much to me, and I hope that it will be the same for those of you who have lost someone this past year. Think of it as your loved one who is now with Jesus, talking to you from Heaven. I'm Spending Christmas with Jesus This Year........ I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below, With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars reflecting on the snow. The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away that tear, Because I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year. I hear the many Christmas song's, that people hold so dear, But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here. For I have no words to tell you the joy their voices bring, For it's beyond description to hear the angels sing. I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart, But I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year. I can't tell you of the splendor, or the peace here in this place, Can you just imagine, Christmas, with our Savior, face to face? I ask Him to light your spirit, as I tell Him of your love. So then pray for one another, as you lift your eyes above. So, please let your heart be joyful, and let your spirits sing, Because I'm spending Christmas in Heaven, and I'm walking with the King! And that just says it all. Zachary Wayne has touched more lives in the 4 hours he was alive, than most peoples lives can touch in 80 years. He has changed the way I live, treat my kids, think about God, and many other aspects of my life. There isn't a day in my life I don't wish that Zachy was here with us here on this earth. It's a very selfish wish, because I know that he is in a much more wonderful place - He is one of God's own chosen angels. The 4 hours of his life on this earth are my favorite memories. I have written down all the details, made a memory book, and have his pictures throughout the house. I will do anything to preserve his memory and keep it alive. I think that any person who can teach you to cherish every moment you have with your children and not take them for granted is a TRUE hero, and that is exactly what Our Little Angel Zachary Wayne has done for us. Where my Graphics are from? Front page Our Pictures Poetry Click here to send me an email!
Song is "Your are so Beautiful"
On December 8, 2002, I was asked if I would give a testimonial in front of our church. I am going to share part of that with you below. This is what I can honestly say after Zachy being in Heaven for 6 years. I would like to start off with a sort of visual if you would join me in this. I want you to think back to when you were having your children. When you were in that delivery room and the doctor told you you were almost there. The baby's coming. And then the doctor tells you "It's a girl, or It's a boy". You here this beautiful baby cry, and they show you this incredible baby. The love you feel for this baby is just so overwhelming. You can't ever take that feeling away. It is an unconditional love more awesome than anything else. Now imagine, the nurse cleaning up your baby and bringing your child to you to hold for the first time. What an awesome moment. Nothing that time can erase. Well, for Wayne and I, we did not have such and experience with Zach. Zach was born at 8:10 pm, 3 years ago tonight. When Zachy was born, we heard him cry, they showed him to us, and then took him away. While I was still in surgery, they were taking him to the NICU. After my surgery, and while waiting in recovery, I woke up to hearing "if you'd like your son baptized, you'd better do it now." WHOA WHOA WHOA. What do you mean my son is going to die? What is wrong with him? This can't be right? The doctor's are wrong! The doctor's just said it was a kidney infection and that he'd probably be home within 6 weeks. This isn't happening! There are so many thoughts flying through your head at that moment. Then some of the thoughts that started bombarding me where - What did I do wrong? Why did God punish me? What did I possibly do to deserve this? Why God, WHY!!! I took care of myself when I was pregnant! Why on earth would you give him to us for only 4 little hours? It must be punishment for my actions in the past! It has to be. Why else would you to this to me. From then on out, I felt so much guilt. It was my fault. God isn't forgiving me. I did something wrong. WHY ME!?!?! 2 weeks after Zach passed away, I found a support group on-line called the Potter's Syndrome Support Group. Unbelievably, this website was built on December 3, - just a mere 5 days before Zachy was born. It was made by a women who also lost a son to Potter's Syndrome on October 8 - just 2 months before Zachy passed away. Through this website, I was glad to find support from women who knew EXACTLY what I was going through. I was able to vent, talk, laugh, and cry uncontrollably, and hear their stories and what they've been through. Some of us were at different points in our grieving. There was a women on the support group from Canada, Michele, who offered to make a website for Zachary. She didn't want any money for doing it - said it was in honor of her daughter, Gabriella. Michele made his website and did a wonderful job. Over 5100 people have been to his site. Through his site, I started receiving these wonderful e-mails from all over the world. Literally - Australia, England, Ireland, Norway, Switzerland. People were so touched by his site, and amazed at our strength to tell his story. Through his site, I started realizing that maybe Zachy didn't die in vain. There had to be a reason that God gave us only 4 short hours with him. But what? We are not the ministering type, and maybe Zach's site is our way of being able to minister to those who don't have the faith. Through Zachy's death, there were immediate changes between Wayne & I. We had receive a booklet from the grievance counselor at the hospital. The first paragraph of the book stated that 85% of parents who lose a child will end up in divorce. I'd heard that statistic before, and was just in awe at the high number. I remember sitting in that bed, looking at him, and telling him "we can NOT let this happen to us". I can so easily see where it can tear a couple apart. I can see where he could blame me for doing something wrong while I was pregnant. Thank goodness we know that it is NOTHING we could have prevented if we could. I didn't need any more guilt at that point. We had the autopsy done, and we were glad we did. It was a weight lifted from our hearts knowing that we could not have prevented this. Nothing could have been done to save him had we found out any earlier in pregnancy. From the day Zach died, Wayne and I have never been closer. Maybe that was another reason God had taken Zachy from us - we needed to become better spouses to each other, and better parents to our children. And we have. We have learned not to take our children for granted. Sometimes when they are just driving me nuts, I have to pull myself aside and just say "I would give anything in the world to have Zachy yelling at me, or breaking something, or drawing murals ALL over the walls of the house with crayons and markers". It puts it all in perspective. We had Mackenzie on January 11, just 13 months after Zachy passed away. Two weeks after that, I went into the hospital after hemorraging. I felt in my heart that I was NOT going to make it. And in a wierd sort of way, I wasn't scared. Months after the surgery, I told Wayne what I was thinking on my way up to have a hysterectomy. I said "That night, I wanted to tell you that I would give Zach a big hug and kiss from you, and tell him you love him". That was a turning point for me again. After surgery, I found myself feeling that I wasn't afraid to die. They say that after you have a near death experience you aren't afraid to die. I am Not afraid. I can't wait for the day that I will get to be in glory, and see Jesus, and see my baby. That day will be the most joyous day I can imagine. I often tell people that Zachy still lives with us. He just lives at a different address - HEAVEN! There are many experiences we have felt with losing Zach. There are some who say "Just move on." "Haven't you gotten over it yet?" "Why can't she just let it go?" And yes, this is what some people say. I will never get over it. Ask any other parent who has lost a child. They will tell you the same thing. Yes, we may have only had 4 hours with him, but we don't have those memories of Zachy's first smile, his first steps, first day of school, or to ever watch him grow, get married, and have children of his own. That is why it is so difficult to watch other little boys who are 3, and it is something that I will have to deal with, but I've learned to deal with it in my own way. We have also learned that it is okay to be angry. I was angry for a very long time. It is only human nature. I can honestly say how angry I was at God, and when I came to church, I didn't want to be here. Am I past that point, yes. I still get very angry, but it isn't at God anymore. I just want to be selfish and have him back here with me. Yes, I know he is in a far more better place, but he isn't with us. I just have to live my life for the day when the Lord also calls me home. I want to read a poem to you that I had received after Zach died. It means so much to me, and I hope that it will be the same for those of you who have lost someone this past year. Think of it as your loved one who is now with Jesus, talking to you from Heaven. I'm Spending Christmas with Jesus This Year........ I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below, With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars reflecting on the snow. The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away that tear, Because I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year. I hear the many Christmas song's, that people hold so dear, But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here. For I have no words to tell you the joy their voices bring, For it's beyond description to hear the angels sing. I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart, But I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year. I can't tell you of the splendor, or the peace here in this place, Can you just imagine, Christmas, with our Savior, face to face? I ask Him to light your spirit, as I tell Him of your love. So then pray for one another, as you lift your eyes above. So, please let your heart be joyful, and let your spirits sing, Because I'm spending Christmas in Heaven, and I'm walking with the King! And that just says it all. Zachary Wayne has touched more lives in the 4 hours he was alive, than most peoples lives can touch in 80 years. He has changed the way I live, treat my kids, think about God, and many other aspects of my life. There isn't a day in my life I don't wish that Zachy was here with us here on this earth. It's a very selfish wish, because I know that he is in a much more wonderful place - He is one of God's own chosen angels. The 4 hours of his life on this earth are my favorite memories. I have written down all the details, made a memory book, and have his pictures throughout the house. I will do anything to preserve his memory and keep it alive. I think that any person who can teach you to cherish every moment you have with your children and not take them for granted is a TRUE hero, and that is exactly what Our Little Angel Zachary Wayne has done for us.
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