Title: Things Fall Apart (3/3): Story 14 in the "Who I
Am, What I'll Become" Series
Author: X_tremeroswellian
Email: X_tremeroswellian@yahoo.com
Disclaimer: Cordelia, Angel, Wesley, Kate, Gunn, Buffy, Giles,
Xander, Doyle and Dennis all belong to Joss Whedon. Clayton is
mine. The song used is "Mend" by Jann Arden from her
album, Blood Red Cherry, which has yet to be released here in the
U.S. I got the lyrics from the Dawson's Creek site after watching
the episode, "The Longest Day."
Rating: R for language, content and mentions of violence.
Distribution: Anyone with previous permission may take it without
asking. Anyone else, just let me know the link. People looking
for previous parts: the whole series thus far is archived at: www.geocities.com/angel_roswell/whoiam.html.
Spoilers: Up through "Are You Now or Have You Ever
Been" and the first 13 stories in this series.
Timeline: Takes place immediately after "The Trick is to
Keep Breathing."
Summary: All hell breaks loose when a fed-up Cordelia takes
action.
Category: Story
Subcategories: Angst/friendship/suspense
Feedback: Is greatly appreciated.
Dedication: For Julia, who's been wanting more C/A interaction in
this series. Enjoy!
Things Fall Apart (Part Three--The Conclusion)
Angel and Cordelia stared at one another for a long moment. He
allowed his gaze to drop to the spray bottle she was holding. He
was still shocked that she'd threatened him with holy water. He
tried to remember what he could have done to upset her this much.
"Cordelia--"
"Get out. I revoke your invitation of welcome. I want you to
leave." Venom dripped from her words.
Even though he was half-afraid she'd decide to use the holy water
against him, Angel shook his head slowly. "I can't do
that."
"Fine." She turned around and stormed down the hallway.
Just as he was about to follow, she returned, carrying an
over-stuffed suitcase in her left hand. Without a word or a
glance at him, she made a beeline for the front door.
Angel stepped in front of her.
"Get out of my way," she commanded.
"No." He couldn't let her leave, not like this.
"Who the hell do you think you are? I don't work for you
anymore, and we are *not* friends. So don't you dare come into my
home uninvited and start telling me what to do!"
Her words stung deeply but he ignored his own feelings for the
moment. "I am your friend. That's why I'm here."
Cordelia shook her head vigorously. "You aren't my friend!
Friends are there for each other and you haven't been there for
me. You have no idea what's happened to me! You know why? Because
you've done nothing but sleep for the past month!"
Angel flinched slightly at the anger he felt radiating from her.
It was so thick it was almost tangible. A tremendous wave of
guilt crashed down around him. "I'm sorry."
She glared at him even more intensely. "Don't you dare
apologize! Apologies aren't going to make this okay again."
"So that's it? You're just going to run away?"
Cordelia dropped her suitcase to the floor with a loud clatter.
"The only person here who runs away from things is you.
You're the one who ran away from Buffy when things got too
difficult," she said darkly.
He winced. She knew how to make the barbs count, that was for
sure.
"What, no comeback?"
Angel didn't answer.
"Move out of my way."
"I just want to talk to you, Cordelia. Tell me what
happened," he urged.
"Why? It's not like you care!"
"I do care. I wouldn't be here if I didn't."
"Yeah? Well, guess what? Too little, too late," she
said bitterly. "Now move. I have a train to catch."
Angel shook his head. "I don't accept that. I know you're in
some kind of danger. I heard Wesley telling Gunn and Oz that you
needed Giles and Buffy to protect you. Protect you from
what?" He reached out and put one hand on her shoulder.
Cordelia jerked away from him violently. "Don't you fucking
touch me!" she exploded.
He stared at her, stunned.
"You want to know why I'm in danger?" she demanded.
"Because three days ago I was attacked by that serial killer
that Wesley and Kate are trying to find. He held a knife to my
throat and told me that if I tried to escape, he'd make me drink
my own blood while he was fucking me. If Oz hadn't showed up when
he had, I'd just be another statistic. The problem is he knew my
name and he probably knows where I live, and he's still out there
somewhere. It's only a matter of time before he kills me!"
Angel was hit with an explosion of emotions, but the only thing
he could process at the moment was how he suddenly felt very sick
to his stomach. "That's not going to happen. I won't let
it," he said fiercely.
"You can't stop it! God, Angel. This is the most I've seen
you in a month! Do you have any idea what this has been like for
me? I've been too afraid to go to sleep at night. I hadn't left
the apartment again until tonight and guess what happened when I
did?" She laughed bitterly though tears were starting to
form in her eyes. "My wonderful boyfriend Clayton was
hanging all over some skanky blond! It's ironic, isn't it?
History really does repeat itself." Her hands were clenched
at her sides, and he realized that her right hand was bleeding.
"Cordelia, your hand," he said in alarm.
She looked down. "Oh, that's just great!" She viciously
kicked her suitcase across the floor before turning and stomping
off down the hallway.
Angel's mind spun with questions and thoughts as he followed her
into the bathroom where she was running cold water over her
injury. "Let me help you," he said quietly as he moved
to get a bandage from the medicine cabinet.
"I don't need your help," she snapped, though she was
in obvious pain. "I don't need anyone." She got to the
bandage first and wrapped it carelessly around the wound.
"I need *you*."
Cordelia wouldn't look at him as she cleaned up the splattered
blood on her sink. "You *don't* need me. You need my
visions. Well, too bad, because I haven't had a single vision
since I went to Sunnydale to rescue Dawn. If you're lucky, the
PTB has decided to revoke my seer privileges and is looking for
other qualified applicants who actually want the job."
Angel shook his head. "I don't care about the visions. I
want you in my life. I need you. You and I and Wesley--we're a
family, remember?"
"You're right about that. Everyone I've ever considered
family has walked out on me. Congratulations on being the
latest."
"I never walked out on you, Cordelia."
She finally turned to face him and he could see that most of her
anger had been replaced by pain. "But you did! You pushed me
away, you shut me out! You threatened to fire me!" Tears
spilled down her cheeks as she looked at him accusingly.
Why are you weeping
Yes I still love you
We fight and fall down
And mend
Angel swallowed hard. Oh, god. He really had. He'd threatened to
fire her. He hadn't even remembered that until just now. This was
his fault. She was hurting and it was his fault. "Cordelia,
I am so sorry. I didn't mean it, I swear," he whispered.
Cordelia buried her face in her hands, crying in earnest as she
sunk to her knees in the middle of the bathroom floor.
His heart clenched as he dropped down beside her. He reached out
and wrapped his arms around her, grateful that she didn't try to
resist his attempt at comfort. "I'm sorry," he
whispered against her hair. "I never meant to hurt
you."
Here drink some water
Soon you'll feel better
I know we have all my love
Whatever is lost
Whatever you said forgotten
"Why does everything in my life fall apart? What am I doing
wrong?" Cordelia pulled away to look at him, still crying.
"Xander and my parents and Doyle and Clayton and you.
Everybody leaves me, Angel, and I don't understand it. I'm so
alone...am I really that horrible of a person? Everybody leaves
me so it has to be me..." Her words were cut off by a
heart-breaking whimper.
Dizzying waves of guilt broke free and poured down upon him.
Angel shook his head. "You're not a horrible person. It
isn't your fault. Things fall apart, Cordelia. Things fall apart
so that other things can be built. I don't always understand the
reasons, but I know they're there. You're not alone," he
whispered. "You have Wesley and Gunn and I and I think that
Kate's even starting to warm up to us. I didn't leave you. I
won't leave you," Angel promised as he touched her face
gently, brushing tears away from her cheeks.
She crumbled under his touch and began sobbing. He pulled her to
him, holding her close and stroking her hair gently. "I'm so
tired, Angel," she cried, her voice muffled against his
shoulder.
"I know," he said softly. He shifted slightly and
pulled her onto his lap as he leaned back against the bathtub.
Her sobs calmed to occasional sniffles and whimpers as her head
rested on his chest.
Why don't you lay down
Talk in the morning
Don't cry just close your eyes
And mend
Even though dozens of questions barraged his mind and even though
he owed her an explanation about his recent behavior, Angel just
held her and let her cry until she couldn't cry anymore because
that was what she needed.
There would be plenty of time for answers and explanations later.
He held her like that all night as she slept and he stayed awake,
trying to figure out how he could possibly make all of it up to
her.
He'd begin with protecting her from the serial killer and making
her feel safe in her own home again.
Beyond that, Angel didn't know how he was going to accomplish
showing her how sorry he was, but he'd figure something out. He
didn't care what it took. He'd find some way to make it up to
her. Even if he had to go to the ends of the earth to do it.
Whatever it was is lost
Whatever you said forgotten
Why are you weeping
Yes I still love you
We fight and fall down
And fall down
And mend
The End