Title: The Trick is to Keep Breathing (1/1): Story 13 in the
"Who I Am, What I'll Become" Series
Author: X_tremeroswellian
Email: X_tremeroswellian@yahoo.com
Disclaimer: Cordelia, Wesley, Angel, Kate, Gunn, Oz, Xander,
Willow, Spike and Buffy all belong to Joss Whedon. Clayton,
Trudi, Crystal, Brian and others that you don't recognize are
mine. The song used in this fic is, "The Trick is to Keep
Breathing" by Garbage, which is on their album, Version 2.0.
Rating: PG-13 for language and content.
Spoilers: Up through "Are You Now or Have You Ever
Been" for Angel; the Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode,
"Lover's Walk," and the first 12 stories in this
series.
Timeline: Since stories 11 and 12 in this series run
concurrently, this story is set 3 days later.
Summary: When an unexpected even occurs, Cordelia does some
reflecting and is forced to make some decisions about her life.
Distribution: If you have previous permission to archive the
series, you may take it without asking. Anyone else, please just
let me the link. Otherwise, for those of you looking for the
previous parts, the series thus far has been archived at www.geocities.com/angel_roswell/whoiam.html.
Category: Story
Subcategories: Angst/friendship/suspense.
Feedback: Will get you the next story sooner.
Dedication: For Katt. Sorry I made you wait! :)
The Trick is to Keep Breathing (1/1)
It had been three days.
Three days since she'd found out there was a serial killer out
there somewhere waiting for her. Three days since she'd had any
sleep. Three days since she'd left her apartment.
Cordelia was sure she was going to end up permanently committed
to the psychiatric ward in some hospital. Or possibly rushed to
the e.r. due to the ulcer she was definitely working on.
She wondered if Angel even knew she hadn't been at work.
Not likely.
She hadn't had a vision in a long time. She wasn't sure what to
make of that. Maybe the PTB decided that since she had so many
other things to worry about, they wouldn't add a severe migraine
to the list. Or maybe they knew how weird Angel had been lately
and they didn't want her to end up dead when she had to take his
place in saving lives.
At any rate, she hadn't had one in quite awhile. And as much as
she hated to admit it, she was starting to get worried. She
hadn't mentioned it to Wesley, though. He and Kate Lockley had
enough on their hands trying to find this serial killer. He
stopped by twice a day, though; he'd stop of a morning to check
on her, and in the evening he brought dinner.
He was worried about her, that much was obvious by the look in
his eyes and the careful way he would study her when he thought
she didn't notice.
Oz and Gunn were worried, too. They'd been taking turns
babysitting her. Oz stayed in the guestroom each night, and was
generally there during the morning hours. Then Gunn would come
over so Oz could get out of the apartment for awhile.
That must be nice, she thought.
Her apartment had been turned into a jail cell and she was under
house arrest.
Her only real relief from all the tension had been the few times
she'd talked to Clayton on the phone. At Wesley's insistence,
she'd only told him that she'd been mugged, and her hand had been
injured. She wasn't sure why he insisted on that, but she wasn't
thrilled with lying to her boyfriend, and she'd made sure Wesley
knew that.
Clayton had been horrified, but incredibly sweet. He'd sent her a
dozen red roses, a beautiful pair of earrings, and a card that
had arrived only hours after she'd told him. Of course, he hadn't
been able to visit because he'd been tied up with photo shots and
meetings with fashion editors.
But, Trudi had called that morning and dropped a few hints about
a party Clayton would be attending later that evening and
suggested she show up and surprise him. And Cordelia was
determined to go one way or another.
Wesley carefully balanced two pizza boxes on his left hand and
knocked on the door with his right one. It swung open, courtesy
of Phantom Dennis, whom he mumbled a thank you to as the door
swung shut again. "Cordelia? Oz?"
Cordelia emerged from her bedroom a moment later, and he was
taken aback by the bright smile on her face. "Wesley! I'm so
glad you're here!" She hugged him and he made sure not to
drop the pizzas.
"Cordelia. Where's Oz?"
"In the shower. How was your day? Here, let me get
those." She took the pizzas from him and headed for the
kitchen.
He stared after her for a second, then quickly followed. He
watched as she rummaged around in the cabinets and took out three
glasses and three plates.
"Do you want some tea? I made some just for you."
Cordelia smiled at him again.
Wesley looked at her, feeling a bit suspicious. "Cordelia,
what do you want?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, you want something. I can tell."
"Can't I just be glad to see one of my most favorite people
in the world?" Cordelia asked innocently.
He raised an eyebrow. "Now I *know* you want
something."
She sighed. "Okay, okay. You're right."
"They're not having a sale at Neiman's again, are
they?" Wesley asked, praying her answer was no. The last
time she'd talked him into going shoe-shopping, they'd been there
for five hours. How could anyone possibly need so many shoes?
"Well, yes, actually, but that's not what I want," she
informed him.
He waited.
"There's this party. Clayton's going to be there."
"I don't think--"
"Wesley, please? I haven't seen him for three days. I
haven't even left this apartment for three days." Her eyes
pleaded with him.
Wesley had a bad feeling about it. He had done a background check
on Clayton and it had been okay, but they didn't know the guy all
that well. He didn't really think Clayton was the one he and Kate
were looking for, but there was no way to be certain. And even if
he wasn't the killer that didn't mean that Cordelia was safe.
"I just don't think that it's wise for you to be out when
this killer is still on the loose. What if he comes after you
again?"
"Come on, Wesley. He's not going to come after me in a big
crowd," she reasoned. "And besides, if you're that
worried about it, you could come with me."
"Cordelia--"
"Please. Look, if I stay in this apartment much longer, I'm
going to go nuts and then you'll have to come and visit me in my
nice padded cell while I rock back and forth singing
'Kumbaya.'"
Wesley couldn't suppress a smile. "Where is this party to
take place?"
"The Jaded Mirror."
He hesitated.
"I'll never ask you to go shoe-shopping with me again,"
she promised.
"As tempting as that may sound, I'd rather go spend the day
with you at Neiman's than have you murdered."
Cordelia stared at him for a moment. "Well, if you go with
me then I won't get murdered."
Wesley sighed. "All right. We'll go. On one condition. Oz
must come with us. I don't want to take any chances."
Her face broke into a wide smile and she hugged him. "Thank
you! Wesley, you're the best."
"I'm not asking Oz," he told her.
"That's okay. I'll talk him into it."
"I don't doubt that," Wesley murmured, shaking his
head.
Cordelia laced the pair of dangling pearl-drop earrings that
Clayton had given her through her earlobes and then pawed through
her jewelry box, searching for her grandmother's bracelet. She
smiled slightly as she came across the silver heart necklace that
Xander had gotten for her for Valentine's Day when they'd been
going out. Then she concentrated on the task at hand. When she
couldn't find the bracelet, she frowned. She always put that
bracelet in with her good jewelry because it was her favorite.
Of course, with everything going on, maybe she'd put it in her
casual jewelry box by mistake. She opened up the other box, the
one that contained her beaded bracelets and necklaces, and the
old mood ring she'd had since she was a kid that she used to love
so much and had kept simply for its sentimental value.
The bracelet wasn't in there, either.
Her frown deepened. Where could she have put it?
She began opening her dresser drawers, searching through her
clothes and hoping she'd come across it. When she didn't, she
stood in the middle of her bedroom floor. "Dennis, have you
seen my bracelet?"
When he didn't respond, she took that as a 'no.'
"What bracelet?" Wesley asked as he appeared in her
doorway.
"My silver one. The one with the little heart charm? My
mother gave it to me when I was six. It was my
grandmother's." She went through her jewelry box again.
"When was the last time you saw it?"
Cordelia paused and thought back for a moment. "I remember
putting it on the other night before I went to that party with
Clayton." Realization dawned on her. "Oh, no!"
Wesley stepped inside her room as she sank down onto the edge of
the bed and buried her face in her hands. "The night you
were attacked?" he asked quietly.
Cordelia nodded, feeling horrible. "It must have come off
when I was trying to get away from him or something," she
said, fighting the urge to cry.
Wesley put his arms around her, hugging her more tightly than
necessary, but she didn't comment.
Could this week *possibly* get any worse?
Cordelia walked up to the entrance of the club with Wesley on
one side of her and Oz on the other. She was wearing her
knee-length black velvet dress and her hair was swept up into a
clip on the top of her head. A few curly tendrils framed her
face.
It would have felt a lot better to get out of her apartment for
awhile had she not been so upset about losing her grandmother's
bracelet. It had been one of the only family things she'd had
passed down to her and she had treasured it dearly. Now it was
gone, probably forever.
The bouncer at the front door had his arms crossed in front of
his chest and an unfriendly expression on his face. She could
sense Wesley's unease as they walked up to the club entrance. She
smiled at the man. "Hi, Brian. Remember me?"
He grinned. "Of course I do. You're Cordelia, right?"
She nodded. "I'm here to surprise Clayton."
"Ah. Who are your friends?" he asked, glancing at
Wesley and then at Oz.
"This is Wesley Pryce, and this is Oz. They're...my
bodyguards," Cordelia said, rolling her eyes at the truth of
the statement. "You know how Hollywood is."
"Of course. Well, go on in," Brian said, smiling at
her.
"Thanks, Brian." She walked into the club, Wesley and
Oz behind her. She turned to face them. "You're not going to
follow me around all night, right? Or embarrass me in front of
Clayton?" she asked, talking more to Wesley than Oz.
"No," Wesley promised with a sigh. "But if you're
going to go outside, find one of us, okay?"
"Cross my heart," she swore. She turned and eased her
way into the crowd. She didn't recognize anyone so far, which
considering how the other night turned out, was a good thing. She
just wanted to find Clayton and feel his arms wrapped around her,
and hear him telling her everything was okay. The way Angel used
to.
She paused mid-step. Angel? Anger rose up within her and she
forced it back down. Angel was no longer a part of her life. Not
really, anyway.
She felt someone watching her and she turned around to glare at
Wesley, but was surprised to find that he wasn't there. The hairs
on the back of her neck stood up as a shudder passed through her
body. Wesley might not be watching her, but she still had a
feeling that *someone* was.
Is it him? she wondered. Is he here somewhere
watching me? Waiting for a chance to get me alone?
Cordelia looked around the room, feeling dizzy and a bit
disoriented. She should have tried to get a couple of hours of
sleep while Gunn was watching television that afternoon. She felt
much safer in the daytime than she did after the sun went down.
She looked around, trying to see if anyone was staring at her,
but didn't see anyone that appeared to be observing her. She
repressed the creeped-out feeling and pushed her way further into
the crowd, searching for her boyfriend.
Cordelia heard his familiar laughter and continued to push
through the mass number of people huddled around him. She
plastered a big smile on her face and then stopped in her tracks
when she saw him. He was standing with his back to her, his arm
around the blond model she knew instinctively was Crystal Weaver.
She watched as he turned his head and kissed her on the lips, a
long, lingering kiss that went way past anything someone would
classify as being "friendly."
She covered her mouth with one hand and backed away quickly
before anyone noticed her. She pushed her way blindly through the
crowd, not knowing exactly where she was going, but knowing she
had to get away immediately. She ran directly into someone.
"I'm sorry," she muttered.
"Cordelia?"
Cordelia looked up to see that she had run into Wesley. "I'm
ready to leave."
"Why? What happened?" he asked, his eyes full of
concern.
"Nothing. Nothing happened. Clayton's not here. Can we
go?" she asked urgently, glancing over her shoulder.
"Yes, of course. We have to find Oz."
She looked around quickly, spotted him standing by himself in one
corner, and waved him over.
"What's up?" he asked, glancing at her and then at
Wesley.
"We're leaving," Cordelia informed him. Without waiting
for him to respond, she turned and barreled towards the door. She
was the first one to Oz's van.
"Cordelia, are you all right?" Wesley asked worriedly
as they waited for Oz to unlock the doors.
"Yes, I'm fine," she answered. "I just want to go
home."
He frowned and opened the door once it was unlocked. She climbed
inside and stared out the passenger side window and didn't move
at all until they pulled up in front of her apartment building.
She's not the kind of girl
Who likes to tell the world
About the way she feels about herself
Cordelia stared at a photograph that had been taken her senior
year. It was of her and Xander before they'd broken up their
senior year. He was standing behind her, his arms wrapped around
her waist and they were smiling at each other. Willow had taken
the picture while they were in the park one Saturday afternoon.
She had been so happy then. Life had seemed so perfect. She had
thought she and Xander would be together forever. She had wanted
that, no matter what anyone else thought.
Not long after that, she'd agreed to go on a double date with
Willow and Oz, but things had gone horribly wrong. Xander and
Willow ended up missing. She had been so scared that something
had happened to him. Sure, she'd been scared before, but there
was a difference between being scared for yourself and being
scared for someone you loved. And when she and Oz had found them
locked in that old warehouse, they'd been kissing.
Her mind flashed back to Clayton kissing Crystal. Then back to
Xander and Willow.
She stared down at the photo.
She takes a little time
In making up her mind
She doesn't want to fight
Against the tide
Why did this keep happening to her? Whenever she really cared for
someone, they didn't return the feelings but instead of telling
her that they lied. Why? What had made Xander cheat on her? Had
she really been that awful of a person? Was she still?
Cordelia looked into the mirror and stared at her reflection.
Lately I'm not the only one
I say never trust anyone
Always the one who has to drag her down
Maybe you'll get what you want
This time around
Everyone she loved or cared for left her.
Her parents had left her in Sunnydale when they fled town to
avoid arrest, and they rarely kept in touch.
Xander had cheated on her with Willow. Granted, they had finally
settled things between them and she was glad about that, but that
didn't change what happened. Her other "friends" in
Sunnydale rarely kept in touch with her.
Doyle. Doyle had sacrificed his life despite how he felt about
her. She had never gotten the chance to see where that might have
gone. Could they have been happy together? She would never know.
Then there had been Wilson Christopher last year when she'd gone
out with him, and that, too, turned out to be a disaster.
Angel hadn't left, but he might as well have been gone. He may
not have physically walked out on her, but the Angel she knew,
her boss, her friend--her good friend, was no longer there.
And now Clayton.
The trick is to keep breathing
The trick is to keep breathing
Cordelia stood up and stared at her reflection in the mirror
again. She hadn't changed clothes since arriving back home, even
though it had been nearly two hours ago. She hadn't cried. She
wouldn't cry. Not over him. Not over *either* of them. She
suddenly knew what she had to do. Her eyes darkened and narrowed
and she went to the phone, picked up the receiver and dialed a
number.
"Manny's Taxi Service. How can I help you?"
"I'd like a taxi at 141 Emburyst Street as soon as possible
please."
"Your number?"
"You won't need it. I'll be waiting out front."
"Okay. I'll send one right over."
Cordelia hung up the phone and glanced in the mirror one last
time. Then she grabbed her coat as she tiptoed out of her
bedroom, relieved to hear Oz's light snoring from the guestroom.
She headed for the door.
She knows the human heart
And how to read the stars
Now everything's about to fall apart...
The End