Title: The Ends of the Earth (4/5): Story 15 in the "Who I Am, What I'll Become" Series

Author: X_tremeroswellian

Email: X_tremeroswellian@yahoo.com

Disclaimer: Cordelia, Angel, Wesley, Gunn, Kate, Oz, Doyle, David, Dennis, Lindsey, Xander, Willow, Buffy, Dawn, Giles, and Spike all belong to Joss Whedon. Liz, Maria, Alex, Max, Michael, Isabel, Tess, Kyle and Nasedo all belong to Melinda Metz and Jason Katims. Clayton is mine. Please don't sue. I'm not making any money. The song is "Riverwide" by Sheryl Crow off her "The Globe Sessions" album. The lyrics are used a bit out of order for story purposes.

Rating: PG-13 for language and content

Spoilers: Up through "Are You Now or Have You Ever Been" for Angel, and "Destiny" for Roswell and the first 14 stories in this series, especially the first one, "Illusions." All of the first three Buffy seasons are open for slight spoilers, but the specific Buffy spoilers are as follows: "Homecoming," "Lover's Walk," and a very slight spoiler for "The Wish" but nothing really major there.

Timeline: The morning/afternoon/evening after the events that took place in story 14, "Things Fall Apart."

Summary: The Angel Investigations gang begins to rebuild itself while Angel looks for a way to make things up to Cordelia and pull her out of her depressed state.

Distribution: Anyone with previous permission to archive the series may take it without asking. Anyone else, just let me know the link. For those of you looking for previous parts, the whole series thus far is being archived at www.geocities.com/angel_roswell/whoiam.html.

Category: Story/semi-crossover with Roswell and Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Subcategories: Angst/friendship

Keywords: For Angel: None yet, but if you haven't guessed by now, the series has a lot of Cordelia/Angel stuff; a Wesley/Kate pairing is possible but not certain. For Buffy: All the current Buffy couples (though they don't appear that much): Buffy/Riley, Willow/Tara, Xander/Anya. For Roswell: Max/Liz, Michael/Maria, Isabel/Alex and it's very probable that in the future there will be a Tess/Kyle pairing.

Feedback: Is always appreciated.

Dedication: For Barbara. Hope you like it! :)

Author's Note: Okay, some of the bumps are behind us, but the road ahead is still long and winding. Cordelia and Angel are still just friends at this point, and will remain so for awhile. I like to take my time with these delicate matters of the heart.

Author's Note II: Due to the fact that I'm back in school now, the time it takes to get these parts done are a little longer. And since I can only update the site from my home computer (which will now be mostly reduced to weekends), I'll most likely be sending future parts out to the lists and A/C board before I actually get them on the site. If you have any questions, email me. :)


The Ends of the Earth (Part Four)

Cordelia stared up at her bedroom ceiling, her eyes fixed on a dark spot in the corner. She wasn't really tired. She'd just used that as an excuse to get away from Angel, to get away from the awkwardness that lingered between them.

She used to be so good at pretending like nothing was wrong, at ignoring the obvious. Of course, she'd had a great deal of practice. Her mother had taught her at a young age how to "act like a lady." That, by her mother's definition, was "not giving in to inappropriate displays of emotion," followed closely by the important lessons of how to dress and smile correctly in order to get a rich, respectable man to marry you. Not love you, just marry you.

"There is no such thing as love, Cordelia, dear," her mother had told her. "Don't believe in anything that's not tangible, except power. And the way to gain power is through money. That's what dreams are made of. That's what will bring you whatever your heart desires."

She had nodded, staring at her mother in the mirror as she braided Cordelia's hair and prepared her for her first cotillion. And being the eight year old girl that she was, the only thing that she wanted was to make her mother happy, so she had taken great pride in her looks and in the ability to attract the attention of men even at a young age.

Her mother had told her there was no such thing as love...

...and Cordelia had believed her. There were no fairy tales when she was growing up. No one had read her bedtime stories about Cinderella and her prince, or Sleeping Beauty, or Snow White or the Little Mermaid. She saw her first Disney movie at Aura's house when they were thirteen. Beauty and the Beast. Aura hadn't understood why she'd been so taken by the movie, or why she had insisted on seeing every other Disney production ever made that same weekend.

But after that, she'd found a spark of hope that love did exist. It was tiny, but there. She'd had to repress the belief for years to avoid slipping up in front of her mother. So she'd sealed it away in a dark, hidden corner of her soul and forgotten about it for a long time.

She had dated many guys in high school, and most of them only wanted one thing. They had bought her act and believed she was just a beautiful, shallow rich girl who had no feelings. She wasn't stupid. She knew what they said about her behind her back and it hurt. Not that she ever let anyone see just how much it hurt.

Never let them see your pain. Something else her mother had taught her.

She had become very good at pretending like nothing got to her. And she had managed to be exactly what her mother wanted her to be: a beautiful, classy, popular girl that got a lot of attention from the guys.

Until she fell for Xander Harris.

And after that, nothing had ever been the same.

Her parents, expectedly, had disapproved. After all, Xander's parents weren't in a position of power and they were far from wealthy. They'd even tried forbidding her to see him.

That hadn't worked, obviously. She'd been very attracted to him--not just physically--but because when everything on the outside was stripped away, they were a lot alike.
Xander's parents were far from supportive and nurturing. He'd never had much affection growing up and so he had a difficult time expressing affection.

That had been the most difficult part of their relationship: they both had so many defenses built up around them, it was hard to tear them all down. It made communication nearly impossible.

She had tried so hard to break through her own defenses, to let her guard down and admit how she felt about him. But undoing years of taught detachment had taken too long.

//I spent a year in the mouth of a whale
With a flame and a book of signs
You'll never know how hard I failed
Trying to make up for lost time//


Cordelia had learned the hard way that even though love wasn't tangible, it did exist. She knew it did because she had felt it. Every moment when she was with Xander, every moment she was without him, she wanted to be closer. Maybe it was pathetic in her mother's mind. Not that she ever *told* her mother she loved him. Not that she could have.

She had admitted it once to Buffy, though, totally by accident. They had been alone in a cabin in the woods, hiding from Slayer hunters that were after them. She had been...well, panicking, and it had just slipped out. Buffy had been surprised and Cordelia had tried to make it sound like it was no big deal.

But it was a big deal.

And when she had found out that Xander had been cheating on her with Willow...she never knew loving someone could hurt that much. It was worse than the physical pain of being impaled. That she could take painkillers for and the ache in her stomach would disappear for awhile.

But there was no painkiller strong enough to make the ache in her heart go away.

//Once I believed in things unseen
I was blinded by the dark
Out of the multitude to me
He came and broke my heart//


He had tried to apologize. He had brought her flowers at the hospital. Called her every single day for a week at least ten times a day. He'd sent more flowers, candy, stuffed animals, and even jewelry. She had sent it all back to him and ignored his phone calls.

She blamed herself more than she really did him. She had known all along that he didn't return her feelings. Sure, he cared about her and he liked making out with her, but he had never loved her.

Xander had been in love with Buffy since she moved to Sunnydale. He never admitted it, at least until recently, but it was obvious by the way he acted. Anytime Buffy was in any kind of trouble, Xander was the first person to want to take action and go help her--even if it meant rushing in without a plan and risking his own life. Then, of course, there was his extreme jealousy and hatred of Angel. It was so obvious how he felt for Buffy.

And then there was Willow Rosenberg. She'd been Xander's best friend since they were five years old. They could communicate without speaking. And just as it was completely obvious how Xander felt about Buffy, anyone with eyes could see that Willow had had similar feelings towards Xander.

She should have seen it coming. The signs were all there. Xander and Willow had both been acting jumpy and on edge for weeks. They were nervous about being around each other. It should have been so easy to see. But when you're in love with someone--really, truly in love--it's amazing what you can deceive yourself into believing.

If she and Oz hadn't caught them in the middle of a heated kiss, Cordelia may have gone on deceiving herself forever.

But she had caught them. Any trust she'd had for Xander had gone down in flames. And no matter how good she was at ignoring things, the fact that he didn't love her--that he would rather be with Buffy or Willow, or even Faith--was something that not even she could ignore any longer.

So she broke up with him. She closed herself off. And after graduation, she left town as fast as she could.

//Tell my ma I loved the man
Even though I turned and ran
Lovely and fine I could have been
Laying down in the palm of his hand
Laying down in the palm of his hand
Laying down in the palm of his hand
Staying down in the palm of his hand//

Cordelia had chosen L.A.--the City of Angels--thinking that surely in a city that big she could find a job acting. She'd had two commercials, local ones, and had gotten an agent. She'd attended dozens of auditions and screenings and callbacks. But those two commercials were all she ever got.

The money she'd made from them lasted one month. After that, she had to try and find a job that didn't require a college education and didn't discriminate against her because of her parents' tax evasion. She finally got a job as a waitress at a cafe a couple blocks away from her apartment.

That lasted one week. Some jerk harassed her all evening one Friday and then wound up sliding his hand under the skirt of her uniform. She hadn't hesitated in dumping an entire plate of hot spaghetti on his head.

Cordelia hadn't been too surprised when she'd gotten fired less than fifteen minutes later.

She spent the next month sneaking into Hollywood parties just so she could have something to eat.

She'd met up with Angel at one of those parties. She'd never been so relieved and so terrified to see someone in her entire life. Not terrified because she thought he'd gone evil or anything. Terrified because she hadn't wanted *anyone* she knew seeing her in her current lifestyle. She'd been reduced to complete poverty, a failure to her parents, to herself, to everyone who ever told her she'd make it big one day. She was living in a run-down, roach-infested building on a really bad side of town, stealing food to survive, lying to get into parties to steal said food.

The very thought of anyone from Sunnydale finding out what she'd become was enough to make her blood run cold.

She'd been relieved to see Angel because she didn't know anyone in L.A. Oh, sure, she'd met agents and other hopeful Hollywood-bound people, but no one *knew* her. No one cared to. No one even knew her name. She was just another face trying to make it in showbiz. No one special. She'd been completely alone.

So when Cordelia had heard the familiar voice say her name, her eyes had widened and she'd spun around to face him.

And there he was. His eyes were warm and his smile friendly. For a moment she'd been overwhelmed with emotion--like a person who'd been lost at sea for years and had just been found.

The relief rapidly changed into fear and her defenses rose automatically. When he'd asked where she was living, she'd lied and said something about a condo on the beach. And she had ended the conversation shortly afterwards. She hadn't figured she'd ever run into him again, so she had pushed all her thoughts of his friendly face out of her mind. At least, until a couple days later.

Russell Winters had been so easy to talk to. Or maybe she was so hungry and so desperate for a friend, she'd simply ignored all the initial warning signs at first. There had been dark curtains everywhere, and there were no mirrors, and the guy was very pale...it should have tipped her off immediately. She'd put it together eventually, but it was almost not soon enough. Just as he was about to make her his next meal, a familiar voice had spoken from the shadows, "Russell Winters."

She'd known without thinking who had spoken. And it was at that moment she had known. She had known she wasn't going to die. At least not right then. Because Angel was there.

He would protect her.

And he had. He had fought with Winters but had been unable to dust him right then. He had thrown himself in front of her when Winters' hit men had started shooting in her direction. Angel had turned, swiftly swept her into his arms and literally jumped over the railing to get her out of the line of fire. He'd taken five bullets that night. For her.

When Angel went out again to finish what he'd started with Winters, Doyle had filled her in about Angel's mission to help people. She'd started thinking that running into Angel at that party hadn't just been a coincidence. It may have been easier to dismiss as chance if he hadn't ended up saving her life just two days later. What was the likelihood of running into someone she knew from Sunnydale twice in two days in a big city like L.A? And the fact that she knew the truth about what he was, and that she knew about all the things that went bump in the night just made it seem like her place was to help him help other people.

So Cordelia had insinuated herself into his life. And to her surprise, he hadn't protested. He'd hired her to be his secretary at Angel Investigations.

Her office skills had been...lacking for awhile. But Angel didn't seem to mind. He hadn't gotten disgusted with her because she was unable to hack into other computer systems or type as fast as Willow. He hadn't been upset because she lacked Buffy's superpowers. He'd just taken her in, protected her, and paid her well even when she didn't do that much at first.

They had been friends, but distant ones. Angel had brooded over Buffy a lot in the first few months of opening the agency, and after a couple of failed attempts to drag him out of it, she had focused on her own life.

Doyle's death had brought them together. Nothing had been the same after he died. Angel had become more protective of her than ever, and she had found her own defenses lowering. They'd started counting on one another to pull each other through the difficult times. Sure, they occasionally got on one another's nerves, but they had become close friends. Cordelia had never really had a best friend before, and she had a feeling Angel hadn't either, so it was a new experience for both of them.

She used to be so good at hiding her real feelings, at pretending to be someone she wasn't. She'd always been afraid of letting down her guard, of allowing someone to see her. Because the sad truth was, whenever someone had believed her little facade and openly admitted to disliking her, she knew it was okay because that wasn't the *real* her. The real her was someone she'd kept hidden from everyone, even herself at times. Because to let her real self be revealed would have left her vulnerable to people disliking who she really was and that was...scary.

Angel saw right through the act. No matter how hard she'd tried to hide what she felt, he always seemed to know. Eventually she'd just given up. And for the first time in her entire life, she let her defenses fall away completely. And the amazing part was...Angel still cared for her. He was still her friend. And so was Wesley. They accepted her. Even when she made the occasional tactless remark, they didn't try to change her. They'd become a family. A real one.

The one she never had.

//River is wide and oh so deep
And it winds and winds around
I dream we're happy in my sleep
Floating down and down and down

And the tide rushes by where we stand
And the earth underneath turns to sand
And we're waiting for someone to see
Don't bail on me//

Wesley's presence in her life had been unexpected. He had shown up in town the day after Doyle had died. Almost like he was sent by the PTB. Of course, she'd first met Wesley in Sunnydale. He'd been Giles' replacement as Buffy and Faith's Watcher. She'd had a crush on him for awhile, and had flirted with him every chance she got. That had a lot to do with the fact that Xander had been around most of those times, and she'd still been hurting and angry with him for his little tryst with Willow while they'd been dating. But she really had liked Wesley. Things were over for them before they started, especially when they shared their first kiss. There was just nothing there. No spark, no passion. They'd both been disappointed, but sometimes that was just life.

The memory brought a smile to her face.

Of course, now things between them were strictly platonic. He'd helped fill that empty space in her heart that Doyle's death had left behind. Not fill it completely, though. No one could do that. Doyle would always hold a special place in her heart, and no one could ever replace him. Wesley held his own place in her heart.

Angel and Wesley. She had grown to depend on them. More than she had ever depended on anyone in her entire life, her parents included. She counted on them for support, protection, and acceptance. And in return she loved them both unconditionally. That was, after all, what a family was about.

There was only one thing wrong with loving people. A lesson that she had learned time and again from the age of five years old when her grandmother died from a heart attack, to Xander's betrayal, to her parents skipping town to avoid prison, to Doyle's death.

Everyone left eventually. Death, betrayal, flat-out rejection. Didn't matter what the cause was, nothing made it easier. And it always happened.

It was just a matter of when.

It scared her more than anything. The fact that she could lose either of them at any given time. After all, it wasn't like the job they did was safe. They all risked their lives for the cause--Angel, Wesley, even her. It was what they did. Risked their lives to save others. That's why the PTB brought them all together. That and she liked to think that maybe they all needed one another, and the Powers had seen that and allowed them to become a family.

That was part of the reason the past month had been so hard. Angel had been so distant. He'd seemingly shut her out of his life for no apparent reason. Sure, Wesley had still been there, for which she was grateful. But when someone you love does something out of the blue like start sleeping 16 hours a day and refusing to tell you what's wrong, frustration and hurt start to build up. And no matter how many other people you're around that care about you, until things are made right with that one person, the whole world is off-balance.

Memories of the previous night flooded into her mind.

She had been so angry with him, with the world. He'd tried to apologize and she'd reamed him for it. She'd tried to kick him out, say nasty things to him to get him to leave, and...

Oh god.

She'd threatened him with holy water.

Cordelia sat up in bed, pressing one hand over her mouth as tears stung her eyes. She'd actually threatened Angel with holy water.

He was her best friend, part of the only family she had, one of the only people she'd ever felt completely safe with and felt a sense of belonging with. He'd saved her life so many times and she'd threatened to take his.

And then she'd thrown the whole-Buffy-disaster back in his face. Yeah, a great friend she was.

//When the dust in the field has flown
And the youngest of hearts has grown
And you doubt you will ever be free
Don't bail on me//


She was on her feet and out the bedroom door before she even realized she was moving. She didn't see Angel sitting outside her bedroom until she'd literally tripped over him.

He reached out and caught her before she slammed onto the ground, a startled expression on his face. "Cordelia! Are you all right?"

Cordelia nodded wordlessly and threw her arms around him. "Angel, I am so sorry," she whispered, struggling to fight the tears that were still in her eyes.

Angel's arms slid around her waist and he rested one hand on her back. "You don't have anything to be sorry for. I'm the one who's sorry."

She shook her head and pulled away to look at him. "I was horrible to you last night."

"No, you were honest. I've been a huge jerk for the past few weeks. You didn't say or do anything that you didn't have a right to say and do."

"I threatened you with holy water." As soon as the words passed her lips, she started to cry, feeling more ashamed of herself than she ever remembered feeling.

Angel pulled her to him and she buried her face in his shoulder. "You did that once before, remember?" His voice was light and she knew he was trying to make her feel better.

"Yeah, but you were all evil then. That doesn't count," Cordelia answered miserably. "And besides, then it wasn't really holy water. It was just bottled water."

"But I thought it was holy water. You had me pretty convinced."

"You weren't evil last night. And what I did...what I said...was unforgivable." She felt a new round of tears building up.

"Hey." Angel gently took her by the arms and made her look at him. "You did it to me. I'm the one who gets to decide what's forgivable and what's not, all right? So just stop talking like that right now." He looked at her seriously.

"Angel--"

"I mean it, Cordelia. I feel guilty enough about not being there for you for the past month. I don't really want to feel more guilty because I know you feel guilty."

She stared at him. The last thing she wanted was to make him feel guiltier about anything. God knew he had enough guilt for everyone around them.

"So we're clear?" he asked firmly. "No more guilt trips for you? Please?"

Cordelia bit her lip and nodded slightly. He smiled at her. A smile she rarely saw. One that rarely anyone ever saw. She leaned against him and relaxed. She felt a bit better, but not completely. "Are we okay then?" she asked quietly.

Angel rested his chin on the top of her head. "I'm okay if you are."

She closed her eyes as his one of his hands supported her back and the other stroked her hair gently. "Then we're okay." And she meant it.

As long as they were friends, everything would be okay.

//In the morning you wait for the sun
And secretly hope it won't come
But time washes everyone clean
Honey now, don't bail on me
Don't bail on me
Don't bail on me//


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