Title: The Ends of the Earth (4/5): Story 15 in the "Who
I Am, What I'll Become" Series
Author: X_tremeroswellian
Email: X_tremeroswellian@yahoo.com
Disclaimer: Cordelia, Angel, Wesley, Gunn, Kate, Oz, Doyle,
David, Dennis, Lindsey, Xander, Willow, Buffy, Dawn, Giles, and
Spike all belong to Joss Whedon. Liz, Maria, Alex, Max, Michael,
Isabel, Tess, Kyle and Nasedo all belong to Melinda Metz and
Jason Katims. Clayton is mine. Please don't sue. I'm not making
any money. The song is "Riverwide" by Sheryl Crow off
her "The Globe Sessions" album. The lyrics are used a
bit out of order for story purposes.
Rating: PG-13 for language and content
Spoilers: Up through "Are You Now or Have You Ever
Been" for Angel, and "Destiny" for Roswell and the
first 14 stories in this series, especially the first one,
"Illusions." All of the first three Buffy seasons are
open for slight spoilers, but the specific Buffy spoilers are as
follows: "Homecoming," "Lover's Walk," and a
very slight spoiler for "The Wish" but nothing really
major there.
Timeline: The morning/afternoon/evening after the events that
took place in story 14, "Things Fall Apart."
Summary: The Angel Investigations gang begins to rebuild itself
while Angel looks for a way to make things up to Cordelia and
pull her out of her depressed state.
Distribution: Anyone with previous permission to archive the
series may take it without asking. Anyone else, just let me know
the link. For those of you looking for previous parts, the whole
series thus far is being archived at
www.geocities.com/angel_roswell/whoiam.html.
Category: Story/semi-crossover with Roswell and Buffy the Vampire
Slayer.
Subcategories: Angst/friendship
Keywords: For Angel: None yet, but if you haven't guessed by now,
the series has a lot of Cordelia/Angel stuff; a Wesley/Kate
pairing is possible but not certain. For Buffy: All the current
Buffy couples (though they don't appear that much): Buffy/Riley,
Willow/Tara, Xander/Anya. For Roswell: Max/Liz, Michael/Maria,
Isabel/Alex and it's very probable that in the future there will
be a Tess/Kyle pairing.
Feedback: Is always appreciated.
Dedication: For Barbara. Hope you like it! :)
Author's Note: Okay, some of the bumps are behind us, but the
road ahead is still long and winding. Cordelia and Angel are
still just friends at this point, and will remain so for awhile.
I like to take my time with these delicate matters of the heart.
Author's Note II: Due to the fact that I'm back in school now,
the time it takes to get these parts done are a little longer.
And since I can only update the site from my home computer (which
will now be mostly reduced to weekends), I'll most likely be
sending future parts out to the lists and A/C board before I
actually get them on the site. If you have any questions, email
me. :)
The Ends of the Earth (Part Four)
Cordelia stared up at her bedroom ceiling, her eyes fixed on a
dark spot in the corner. She wasn't really tired. She'd just used
that as an excuse to get away from Angel, to get away from the
awkwardness that lingered between them.
She used to be so good at pretending like nothing was wrong, at
ignoring the obvious. Of course, she'd had a great deal of
practice. Her mother had taught her at a young age how to
"act like a lady." That, by her mother's definition,
was "not giving in to inappropriate displays of
emotion," followed closely by the important lessons of how
to dress and smile correctly in order to get a rich, respectable
man to marry you. Not love you, just marry you.
"There is no such thing as love, Cordelia, dear," her
mother had told her. "Don't believe in anything that's not
tangible, except power. And the way to gain power is through
money. That's what dreams are made of. That's what will bring you
whatever your heart desires."
She had nodded, staring at her mother in the mirror as she
braided Cordelia's hair and prepared her for her first cotillion.
And being the eight year old girl that she was, the only thing
that she wanted was to make her mother happy, so she had taken
great pride in her looks and in the ability to attract the
attention of men even at a young age.
Her mother had told her there was no such thing as love...
...and Cordelia had believed her. There were no fairy tales when
she was growing up. No one had read her bedtime stories about
Cinderella and her prince, or Sleeping Beauty, or Snow White or
the Little Mermaid. She saw her first Disney movie at Aura's
house when they were thirteen. Beauty and the Beast. Aura hadn't
understood why she'd been so taken by the movie, or why she had
insisted on seeing every other Disney production ever made that
same weekend.
But after that, she'd found a spark of hope that love did exist.
It was tiny, but there. She'd had to repress the belief for years
to avoid slipping up in front of her mother. So she'd sealed it
away in a dark, hidden corner of her soul and forgotten about it
for a long time.
She had dated many guys in high school, and most of them only
wanted one thing. They had bought her act and believed she was
just a beautiful, shallow rich girl who had no feelings. She
wasn't stupid. She knew what they said about her behind her back
and it hurt. Not that she ever let anyone see just how much it
hurt.
Never let them see your pain. Something else her mother had
taught her.
She had become very good at pretending like nothing got to her.
And she had managed to be exactly what her mother wanted her to
be: a beautiful, classy, popular girl that got a lot of attention
from the guys.
Until she fell for Xander Harris.
And after that, nothing had ever been the same.
Her parents, expectedly, had disapproved. After all, Xander's
parents weren't in a position of power and they were far from
wealthy. They'd even tried forbidding her to see him.
That hadn't worked, obviously. She'd been very attracted to
him--not just physically--but because when everything on the
outside was stripped away, they were a lot alike.
Xander's parents were far from supportive and nurturing. He'd
never had much affection growing up and so he had a difficult
time expressing affection.
That had been the most difficult part of their relationship: they
both had so many defenses built up around them, it was hard to
tear them all down. It made communication nearly impossible.
She had tried so hard to break through her own defenses, to let
her guard down and admit how she felt about him. But undoing
years of taught detachment had taken too long.
//I spent a year in the mouth of a whale
With a flame and a book of signs
You'll never know how hard I failed
Trying to make up for lost time//
Cordelia had learned the hard way that even though love wasn't
tangible, it did exist. She knew it did because she had felt it.
Every moment when she was with Xander, every moment she was
without him, she wanted to be closer. Maybe it was pathetic in
her mother's mind. Not that she ever *told* her mother she loved
him. Not that she could have.
She had admitted it once to Buffy, though, totally by accident.
They had been alone in a cabin in the woods, hiding from Slayer
hunters that were after them. She had been...well, panicking, and
it had just slipped out. Buffy had been surprised and Cordelia
had tried to make it sound like it was no big deal.
But it was a big deal.
And when she had found out that Xander had been cheating on her
with Willow...she never knew loving someone could hurt that much.
It was worse than the physical pain of being impaled. That she
could take painkillers for and the ache in her stomach would
disappear for awhile.
But there was no painkiller strong enough to make the ache in her
heart go away.
//Once I believed in things unseen
I was blinded by the dark
Out of the multitude to me
He came and broke my heart//
He had tried to apologize. He had brought her flowers at the
hospital. Called her every single day for a week at least ten
times a day. He'd sent more flowers, candy, stuffed animals, and
even jewelry. She had sent it all back to him and ignored his
phone calls.
She blamed herself more than she really did him. She had known
all along that he didn't return her feelings. Sure, he cared
about her and he liked making out with her, but he had never
loved her.
Xander had been in love with Buffy since she moved to Sunnydale.
He never admitted it, at least until recently, but it was obvious
by the way he acted. Anytime Buffy was in any kind of trouble,
Xander was the first person to want to take action and go help
her--even if it meant rushing in without a plan and risking his
own life. Then, of course, there was his extreme jealousy and
hatred of Angel. It was so obvious how he felt for Buffy.
And then there was Willow Rosenberg. She'd been Xander's best
friend since they were five years old. They could communicate
without speaking. And just as it was completely obvious how
Xander felt about Buffy, anyone with eyes could see that Willow
had had similar feelings towards Xander.
She should have seen it coming. The signs were all there. Xander
and Willow had both been acting jumpy and on edge for weeks. They
were nervous about being around each other. It should have been
so easy to see. But when you're in love with someone--really,
truly in love--it's amazing what you can deceive yourself into
believing.
If she and Oz hadn't caught them in the middle of a heated kiss,
Cordelia may have gone on deceiving herself forever.
But she had caught them. Any trust she'd had for Xander had gone
down in flames. And no matter how good she was at ignoring
things, the fact that he didn't love her--that he would rather be
with Buffy or Willow, or even Faith--was something that not even
she could ignore any longer.
So she broke up with him. She closed herself off. And after
graduation, she left town as fast as she could.
//Tell my ma I loved the man
Even though I turned and ran
Lovely and fine I could have been
Laying down in the palm of his hand
Laying down in the palm of his hand
Laying down in the palm of his hand
Staying down in the palm of his hand//
Cordelia had chosen L.A.--the City of Angels--thinking that
surely in a city that big she could find a job acting. She'd had
two commercials, local ones, and had gotten an agent. She'd
attended dozens of auditions and screenings and callbacks. But
those two commercials were all she ever got.
The money she'd made from them lasted one month. After that, she
had to try and find a job that didn't require a college education
and didn't discriminate against her because of her parents' tax
evasion. She finally got a job as a waitress at a cafe a couple
blocks away from her apartment.
That lasted one week. Some jerk harassed her all evening one
Friday and then wound up sliding his hand under the skirt of her
uniform. She hadn't hesitated in dumping an entire plate of hot
spaghetti on his head.
Cordelia hadn't been too surprised when she'd gotten fired less
than fifteen minutes later.
She spent the next month sneaking into Hollywood parties just so
she could have something to eat.
She'd met up with Angel at one of those parties. She'd never been
so relieved and so terrified to see someone in her entire life.
Not terrified because she thought he'd gone evil or anything.
Terrified because she hadn't wanted *anyone* she knew seeing her
in her current lifestyle. She'd been reduced to complete poverty,
a failure to her parents, to herself, to everyone who ever told
her she'd make it big one day. She was living in a run-down,
roach-infested building on a really bad side of town, stealing
food to survive, lying to get into parties to steal said food.
The very thought of anyone from Sunnydale finding out what she'd
become was enough to make her blood run cold.
She'd been relieved to see Angel because she didn't know anyone
in L.A. Oh, sure, she'd met agents and other hopeful
Hollywood-bound people, but no one *knew* her. No one cared to.
No one even knew her name. She was just another face trying to
make it in showbiz. No one special. She'd been completely alone.
So when Cordelia had heard the familiar voice say her name, her
eyes had widened and she'd spun around to face him.
And there he was. His eyes were warm and his smile friendly. For
a moment she'd been overwhelmed with emotion--like a person who'd
been lost at sea for years and had just been found.
The relief rapidly changed into fear and her defenses rose
automatically. When he'd asked where she was living, she'd lied
and said something about a condo on the beach. And she had ended
the conversation shortly afterwards. She hadn't figured she'd
ever run into him again, so she had pushed all her thoughts of
his friendly face out of her mind. At least, until a couple days
later.
Russell Winters had been so easy to talk to. Or maybe she was so
hungry and so desperate for a friend, she'd simply ignored all
the initial warning signs at first. There had been dark curtains
everywhere, and there were no mirrors, and the guy was very
pale...it should have tipped her off immediately. She'd put it
together eventually, but it was almost not soon enough. Just as
he was about to make her his next meal, a familiar voice had
spoken from the shadows, "Russell Winters."
She'd known without thinking who had spoken. And it was at that
moment she had known. She had known she wasn't going to die. At
least not right then. Because Angel was there.
He would protect her.
And he had. He had fought with Winters but had been unable to
dust him right then. He had thrown himself in front of her when
Winters' hit men had started shooting in her direction. Angel had
turned, swiftly swept her into his arms and literally jumped over
the railing to get her out of the line of fire. He'd taken five
bullets that night. For her.
When Angel went out again to finish what he'd started with
Winters, Doyle had filled her in about Angel's mission to help
people. She'd started thinking that running into Angel at that
party hadn't just been a coincidence. It may have been easier to
dismiss as chance if he hadn't ended up saving her life just two
days later. What was the likelihood of running into someone she
knew from Sunnydale twice in two days in a big city like L.A? And
the fact that she knew the truth about what he was, and that she
knew about all the things that went bump in the night just made
it seem like her place was to help him help other people.
So Cordelia had insinuated herself into his life. And to her
surprise, he hadn't protested. He'd hired her to be his secretary
at Angel Investigations.
Her office skills had been...lacking for awhile. But Angel didn't
seem to mind. He hadn't gotten disgusted with her because she was
unable to hack into other computer systems or type as fast as
Willow. He hadn't been upset because she lacked Buffy's
superpowers. He'd just taken her in, protected her, and paid her
well even when she didn't do that much at first.
They had been friends, but distant ones. Angel had brooded over
Buffy a lot in the first few months of opening the agency, and
after a couple of failed attempts to drag him out of it, she had
focused on her own life.
Doyle's death had brought them together. Nothing had been the
same after he died. Angel had become more protective of her than
ever, and she had found her own defenses lowering. They'd started
counting on one another to pull each other through the difficult
times. Sure, they occasionally got on one another's nerves, but
they had become close friends. Cordelia had never really had a
best friend before, and she had a feeling Angel hadn't either, so
it was a new experience for both of them.
She used to be so good at hiding her real feelings, at pretending
to be someone she wasn't. She'd always been afraid of letting
down her guard, of allowing someone to see her. Because the sad
truth was, whenever someone had believed her little facade and
openly admitted to disliking her, she knew it was okay because
that wasn't the *real* her. The real her was someone she'd kept
hidden from everyone, even herself at times. Because to let her
real self be revealed would have left her vulnerable to people
disliking who she really was and that was...scary.
Angel saw right through the act. No matter how hard she'd tried
to hide what she felt, he always seemed to know. Eventually she'd
just given up. And for the first time in her entire life, she let
her defenses fall away completely. And the amazing part
was...Angel still cared for her. He was still her friend. And so
was Wesley. They accepted her. Even when she made the occasional
tactless remark, they didn't try to change her. They'd become a
family. A real one.
The one she never had.
//River is wide and oh so deep
And it winds and winds around
I dream we're happy in my sleep
Floating down and down and down
And the tide rushes by where we stand
And the earth underneath turns to sand
And we're waiting for someone to see
Don't bail on me//
Wesley's presence in her life had been unexpected. He had shown
up in town the day after Doyle had died. Almost like he was sent
by the PTB. Of course, she'd first met Wesley in Sunnydale. He'd
been Giles' replacement as Buffy and Faith's Watcher. She'd had a
crush on him for awhile, and had flirted with him every chance
she got. That had a lot to do with the fact that Xander had been
around most of those times, and she'd still been hurting and
angry with him for his little tryst with Willow while they'd been
dating. But she really had liked Wesley. Things were over for
them before they started, especially when they shared their first
kiss. There was just nothing there. No spark, no passion. They'd
both been disappointed, but sometimes that was just life.
The memory brought a smile to her face.
Of course, now things between them were strictly platonic. He'd
helped fill that empty space in her heart that Doyle's death had
left behind. Not fill it completely, though. No one could do
that. Doyle would always hold a special place in her heart, and
no one could ever replace him. Wesley held his own place in her
heart.
Angel and Wesley. She had grown to depend on them. More than she
had ever depended on anyone in her entire life, her parents
included. She counted on them for support, protection, and
acceptance. And in return she loved them both unconditionally.
That was, after all, what a family was about.
There was only one thing wrong with loving people. A lesson that
she had learned time and again from the age of five years old
when her grandmother died from a heart attack, to Xander's
betrayal, to her parents skipping town to avoid prison, to
Doyle's death.
Everyone left eventually. Death, betrayal, flat-out rejection.
Didn't matter what the cause was, nothing made it easier. And it
always happened.
It was just a matter of when.
It scared her more than anything. The fact that she could lose
either of them at any given time. After all, it wasn't like the
job they did was safe. They all risked their lives for the
cause--Angel, Wesley, even her. It was what they did. Risked
their lives to save others. That's why the PTB brought them all
together. That and she liked to think that maybe they all needed
one another, and the Powers had seen that and allowed them to
become a family.
That was part of the reason the past month had been so hard.
Angel had been so distant. He'd seemingly shut her out of his
life for no apparent reason. Sure, Wesley had still been there,
for which she was grateful. But when someone you love does
something out of the blue like start sleeping 16 hours a day and
refusing to tell you what's wrong, frustration and hurt start to
build up. And no matter how many other people you're around that
care about you, until things are made right with that one person,
the whole world is off-balance.
Memories of the previous night flooded into her mind.
She had been so angry with him, with the world. He'd tried to
apologize and she'd reamed him for it. She'd tried to kick him
out, say nasty things to him to get him to leave, and...
Oh god.
She'd threatened him with holy water.
Cordelia sat up in bed, pressing one hand over her mouth as tears
stung her eyes. She'd actually threatened Angel with holy water.
He was her best friend, part of the only family she had, one of
the only people she'd ever felt completely safe with and felt a
sense of belonging with. He'd saved her life so many times and
she'd threatened to take his.
And then she'd thrown the whole-Buffy-disaster back in his face.
Yeah, a great friend she was.
//When the dust in the field has flown
And the youngest of hearts has grown
And you doubt you will ever be free
Don't bail on me//
She was on her feet and out the bedroom door before she even
realized she was moving. She didn't see Angel sitting outside her
bedroom until she'd literally tripped over him.
He reached out and caught her before she slammed onto the ground,
a startled expression on his face. "Cordelia! Are you all
right?"
Cordelia nodded wordlessly and threw her arms around him.
"Angel, I am so sorry," she whispered, struggling to
fight the tears that were still in her eyes.
Angel's arms slid around her waist and he rested one hand on her
back. "You don't have anything to be sorry for. I'm the one
who's sorry."
She shook her head and pulled away to look at him. "I was
horrible to you last night."
"No, you were honest. I've been a huge jerk for the past few
weeks. You didn't say or do anything that you didn't have a right
to say and do."
"I threatened you with holy water." As soon as the
words passed her lips, she started to cry, feeling more ashamed
of herself than she ever remembered feeling.
Angel pulled her to him and she buried her face in his shoulder.
"You did that once before, remember?" His voice was
light and she knew he was trying to make her feel better.
"Yeah, but you were all evil then. That doesn't count,"
Cordelia answered miserably. "And besides, then it wasn't
really holy water. It was just bottled water."
"But I thought it was holy water. You had me pretty
convinced."
"You weren't evil last night. And what I did...what I
said...was unforgivable." She felt a new round of tears
building up.
"Hey." Angel gently took her by the arms and made her
look at him. "You did it to me. I'm the one who gets to
decide what's forgivable and what's not, all right? So just stop
talking like that right now." He looked at her seriously.
"Angel--"
"I mean it, Cordelia. I feel guilty enough about not being
there for you for the past month. I don't really want to feel
more guilty because I know you feel guilty."
She stared at him. The last thing she wanted was to make him feel
guiltier about anything. God knew he had enough guilt for
everyone around them.
"So we're clear?" he asked firmly. "No more guilt
trips for you? Please?"
Cordelia bit her lip and nodded slightly. He smiled at her. A
smile she rarely saw. One that rarely anyone ever saw. She leaned
against him and relaxed. She felt a bit better, but not
completely. "Are we okay then?" she asked quietly.
Angel rested his chin on the top of her head. "I'm okay if
you are."
She closed her eyes as his one of his hands supported her back
and the other stroked her hair gently. "Then we're
okay." And she meant it.
As long as they were friends, everything would be okay.
//In the morning you wait for the sun
And secretly hope it won't come
But time washes everyone clean
Honey now, don't bail on me
Don't bail on me
Don't bail on me//