ANENEEDS HELP

Ane's Question: Where's all my fuzz from my sweater going? I have this really fuzzy sweater, only now it's not as fuzzy as it used to be, which I know because I have a picture of me at a party two months ago in LA standing next to Jason Alexander and his nose is all curled up because there's some sweater fuzz on his face. Now there's less fuzz. Am I nuts?
Reader's Answer: No, you're not nuts. Sweater fuzz comes from the amalgamation of two of the atoms in sweater molecules, helium and nitrogen. Over time, sunspots cause these atoms to move to opposite sides of the sweater molecule, eliminating the fuzz catalyst. To bring back that fuzz, just buy a new sweater! -Max Herrington, 41, video artist and Ane sympathizer, Berlin, Ohio

Q: Should I become one with the universe?
A: It depends if you're ready. Giving up this illusory, material realm can be very liberating, but if you're not fully prepared, it can be very painful to leave behind a closet full of $300 pairs of shoes. I recommend sleeping on it for a few nights. -Denny Tulane, 63, bagel boiler and Ane absorbant material, Portland, Ore.

Q: All this buzz about Calista Flockhart is freaking me out. Am I too thin?
A: Allow me to answer a question with another question: Is it possible to be too thin? Thank you. -Ane supporter Sandra Day O'Connor, 21.

Q: Money seems to be creating a lot of evil in people's lives.
A: Maybe, but what would we do without it? Barter? I mean, come on. How many things could you make with your hands, you namby-pamby parody magazine editor? -Dickless Will Farley, 52, computer programer at the Pentagon

Q: I'm dead.
A: No, you're not. You're just asleep. There are some similarities between sleeping and death, but they are mostly superficial. Dead people stay completely motionless and eventually decompose. Sleeping people have moderate to high EEG activity in most stages of sleep, and they are usually breathing. -Dora "Sarge" Paxton, police dispatcher, dog walker, and Ane eater, Grand Prarie, Tex.

Q: Someone recently mistook me for someone more famous than me, and then was disappointed to find out it was me. Am I flattered or insulted?
A: I'm guessing a little bit of both. I mean, you're really not that famous, even though you put plenty of pictures of yourself in your magazine, something not many editors do. So it can feel pretty good for someone to think they're excited to see you, even when they're not. On the other hand, it sucks for someone to be disappointed to be talking to you. Maybe you should publish more pictures of yourself, or even put yourself on the cover--wait, I've got it, name a magazine after yourself!! -Crankshaft mechanic and sarcastic asshole Sean Constabulary, 29, Lansing, Mich.

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