LEO
July 23 to Aug. 22
The third week of this month will allow you some time to recover from that nasty car accident. Be sure to tell your boyfriend that you're vacationing in France with your gay friend to avoid those awkward hospital visits. Never smoke indoors.
Walk upright: May 13
Try a raw food: April 2
VIRGO
Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Someone is seriously stealing your car. Right now. Go look! Dude, I'm not kidding, the goddam stars are telling me that you have to go stop those guys from stealing your car or you're going to be walking to that dentist appointment. Okay, don't go. No, it's too late now, they're halfway to Mexico by now. Dumbass.
Call police: September 31
LIBRA
Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your overweight cat is going to reveal his true feelings, and you might not like it. You get lost in the mall parking lot, which blows because you have to barter all those fabulous clothes you bought for food and shelter. Don't give up, you're not going to get fired over a little three-week no-call-no-show.
Learn to light a fire with two sticks: August 1
Change your clothes: September 2
SCORPIO
Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
I'm seeing . . . a new lover . . . tall, goodlooking, with a slight limp. You'll meet . . . in Paris. Candles, wine, red meat--are you getting this? You will come into a large sum of money . . . beware of people trying to trick you. All this will come to pass, mark my words.
Believe in celestial bodies controlling your future: June 6
Grow up: June 13-24
SAGITTARIUS
Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The Bartender of Love serves up a foamy mug of lust on the 8th, and by the 20th you're so tanked that you take yourself off the market and want to cuddle exclusively with your new friend. That's right. The Bartender of Love. Drink up. Mmm. You like that? I bet you do. Shut up.
Shut up: July 56
CAPRICORN
Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will develop an unsightly margarine on your calliope. Pay no mind to those medicals who want you to redeem for them too. Say "We only work upstream," and move upon them. There are no athritics in boxholes, as they say.
Summarize: August 12
Work with troubled booth: September 17
AQUARIUS
Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Boy, do I feel sorry for you. You are going to have a shitty few months, my friend. You'll . . . you know, I don't even want to tell you because it's just going to bring you down. I'm just glad it's not happening to me, because I don't even think I could handle the kind of shit that's about to come down on you.
Give up: July 8
PISCES
Feb. 19 to March 20
Mister Right just called, and he said you're not the one. Mister Right-Now left a message saying pretty much the same thing. Look, maybe you're going about this all wrong. Let's try . . . personal ads. And wear more black. Make things around your head and neck a little less busy. There, that should do it. Yes, very nice. You're really going to knock 'em dead now.
Put on rally cap: July 23
Sing sad, sweet song of sorrow: June 4
AIRES
March 21 to April 19
You're walking tall now in your fancy clothes; you got fancy things going up your nose. You get expensive gifts from expensive men, but you're a dog on a leash like a pig in a pen.
Kick it old school: August 31
TAURUS
April 20 to May 20
Why are you still reading this? If you're a Taurus and you just skipped straight to your sign, that makes sense . . . I guess. Do you really think that your sign is going to be a better fake horoscope than the other ones? Here's an excerpt from your horoscope in the April '02 Jane: At work, keep the long-distance calls to Thailand on the DL. How can I parody something that's already so wacky?
Read Jane: July 7
GEMINI
May 21 to June 20
You may be wondering where your sex life has gone these past few weeks. Well, it's under the Details magazine on the table next to the green chair, I think. Or you should check all the way under the green chair, maybe.
Write to magazines for advice: April 10
Write to magazines for other reasons: June 15
CANCER
June 21 to July 22
The movie theater where you work is going to hire a new manager . . . Brad something . . . anyway, he has the clue to the mystery of where your father ran off to when you were a child. Do not fall in love with him! His intentions are good, but he has involved himself in terrible things. If he invites you on a trip, do not go. Say you have night school. Your friend Tammy is going to support your decision to change your hairstyle. She may suggest some other changes in your appearance. Listen to her. When a random stranger comes up to you on the street and tells you about a restaurant, do or do not eat there immediately. It's up to you.
Delve into deeply personal matters with a friend: September 41
Walk alone aimlessly all day: Tetrember 12