DISH
By Stephanie Thong, who deserves an apology for that

Not very many famous people, I mean "celebs"
Okay, I hope I only ever have to do one of these. Here goes. My half-sister's aunt supposedly used to babysit Hollywood bad boy Jack Nicholson. The amazingly cute Johnny Depp flimed a scene from Edward Scissorhands at a shopping center right by my house. One time I was on a plane with Tim Robbins, and it was a pretty small plane, plus I was right in the front of the coach section, next to first class, so I was kind of close to him. He was with a child, perhaps his own, going from New York to Tampa. He was seriously too tall to stand up straight in the plane. My parents ate lunch with David Huddleston (friend of a friend) in New York once. Oh, and a couple of times Micheal Stipe came to the small liberal arts college I went to and partied with us hippies. He really seemed to like my girlfriend's roommate, and at one point I sat on a bench with him. I saw a Wesley Willis show in Tucson a while back, and he headbutted a couple of my friends. -Ane Phatt

Our two favorite animals
Well, bunnies are really cute, obviously. But I also really like dinosaurs. I don't know if those count since they're extinct. It's also kind of a large category, I guess. My favorite dinosaur is the stegosaurus. But what about live animals? I like chimpanzees, I guess, because they're so much like people. Maybe that shouldn't count, either. Oh, I don't know!

WORD
Butt n. a person's rear-end, the posterior of the human body. Usage: "I sat down on a sharp object and it hurt my butt."

THEY'RE NOT A FRUIT, BUT THEY'RE MAGIC
If you've been sitting around your hipster pad wondering what more you could possibly need, head straight for the canned vegetables section of a grocery store. Heinz Premium Vegetarian Beans (in rich tomato sauce) will make your knees turn into pieces of toilet paper. One thing we've learned, seriously: never buy only one can. You will probably not eat more than one can in a sitting, but your "sittings" will become very close together, if you know what we mean.

Don't worry about fire. Worry about smoke.

STAFF FIGHT OF THE MONTH:
IDEALISM VS. REALISM
BERKELEY: To be is to be percieved. There is no matter, there are only minds and the ideas in those minds.
ANE: Of course there are material objects. What about this great vintage top I'm wearing? I can feel it and see it . . .
BERKELEY: All you know of that fabulous top are your perceptions of it. Your perceptions aren't material objects, they're ideas--you could never know them if they were anything else.
ANE: Perceptions aren't physical objects, but that doesn't stop them from having systematic connections to material objects, nor does it prove that those objects don't exist. How can you explain the intersubjective consistency of perceptions? An independent real world is the most economic and intuitively attractive model to explain what we do know. Where do you think minds inhere, if not in human beings, which are physical objects?
BERKELEY: Everything we know is in our minds. You can provide no proof that there are material objects, because that proof would be in your mind and would be made up of ideas. You cannot use ideas to reason to things that are not ideas.

SCOREBOARD       BERKELEY 0     ANE 1

A couple who engaged in a little after-work get-together (sexual intercourse) in a high-rise office got caught by the window washer, who turned out to be their representative in the state legislature. He wrote a bill requiring that shades be drawn during hee-hoo and named it after them!

WORD
Frunned n. not the bayuck. Usage: "If'n I cain't fahnd mah way at the frunned uh this here buildin', I ain't a-never gone t'get eeyunside."

Kant's transcendental idealism
Knowledge of the external world is produced by our transcendental unity of apperception. Rational thought processes per se cannot give us synthetic knowledge of the external world. Sensation per se cannot give us knowledge. Our perceptions are organized by the pure a priori intuitions of space and time and by the categories of our understanding. These categories, and not how things are in themselves, are the conditions that make experience possible and intelligible. The transcendental unity (the self or ego) is the source of these intuitions and categories and is that which applies them to raw experience. Nothing can be known of this transcendental unity. It is the condition for knowledge but not an object of knowledge. All we can know about it is that it is, but not what it is.

ANE'S STROKE OF GENIUS OF THE MONTH
Talk to people in the same language that they also talk. Seriously, this makes you much easier to understand and makes it a lot easier for people to be friendly to you! Not to mention it's more likely that they'll respond to you in a way you can understand. Got it? -Ane Catt

Men are, on average, taller than women and have larger brain-cases. Is that why I feel so fat?

Cute band alert
This year, Slipknot released their second album and went on a tour of the US and Canada. They're a great bunch of guys who just like hanging out, playing pool, talking on the phone, and separating laundry (!). When Margie saw them in Detroit last year, they played "Happy Birthday" to one of the guys' girlfriends who was in the audience. Isn't that just too adorable? Timmy, the one with the big long nose, says he just wants to have a normal life. He's not into being famous, he just really loves to play music. Awww.

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