DEAR FAG
Derek Hamilton, a homosexual waiter at TGIFridays in Wilmington, has a newfound interest in Pop Art, and long standing interests in Ally McBeal and tequilla sunrises. He's currently working on a letter to the editor of Newsweek about a story on the plight of Afghan women. He's happy to answer questions from straight people.
Q: Is it true that only a gay man would write for a women's magazine? -Grant, West Virginia
A: Of course not. Journalism is a very competitive business. People will do anything to get published. Believe me, I did!
Q: Why are gay men so effeminate? -Terry, Arizona
A: Well, many of them aren't. Take the long list of Madonna's ex-boyfriends, for example. They're almost all gay, but very few of them are effeminate. I know that what you want to hear is that there's a gene that makes people act like ladies, and it's the source of both gay men's desire for sex with men and their swishy walks. Sorry, it just doesn't work that way.
Q: Were you that guy I flirted with in May? -Stephanie, Delaware
A: Yes, I am. I'm sorry if you feel that was deceitful of me. Please understand that it can be very awkward to tell someone you've just met that you're gay, especially when it sounds like an excuse or a rejection of unwanted advances. It feels like both an insult and an unnecessary personal confession. Which is not to mention that flirting often increases tips for waiters, and I'm always willing to play that card.
Q: Why do guys always want you to be both a virgin and a whore? -Holly, New York
A: I think this might be a question best suited for a similar column from a different magazine, but I'm willing to field it. Guys act like this because they feel contempt for women and feminine things, but they want sex (with women). They are sadly conditioned for two coflicting propensities, and it is one of many sorces of their basic shittiness.
Q: Where are my car keys? -Dale, California
A: Under the Details magazine on the table next to the green chair, I think. Or you should check all the way under the green chair, maybe.
Q: I'm constantly asking my gay friend for advice on clothes. What if he thinks I'm using him?-Ruby, Florida
A: He probably does. But if he genuinely enjoys you're company, or if you're what we call a "fag hag," it might not matter. Gay people, like all other people, are always looking for acceptance in all kinds of social circles. There are some who are willing to be The Gay Guy, like a one-dimensional character on a politically correct sitcom. Even those who are willing to do it, however, are likely to resent it. Just being willing to do something doesn't mean you don't hate the people you do it for--I should know, I'm a waiter! I suggest you try to understand and relate to your friend as a person. If that doesn't work, try to have sex with him. If he's really gay, he'll understand that your sexual attraction to him is the true reason you're friends and will easily assume a traditional fag/fag hag relationship with you.
Derek asks back:
Q: Up or down?
A: Depends. -Beth, Quebec