Family By Ane's Mom
I am a monkey's uncle (by marriage). There is a certain phrase that people sometimes use that really offends me. Should I divorce my wife or just learn to live with the pain that this somewhat old-fashioned and relatively rare phrase causes me?-Tom, Texas.
Of course you shouldn't divorce your wife. You should have her brother or sister euthanize their hairy little simian freak baby. It's not human; it doesn't have rights. Let's just hope your mother's not a bitch.
Job By Kate Spambrecht
My job requires that I dress like a clown. I find this only slightly demeaning. What I really don't like is that I have to dress like a male clown. Why should clowns always be men? I feel like I should be able to be a sexy, Christina Aguilera-like clown if I want to.-Hilary, Virginia.
You're certainly right that you shouldn't have to be a male clown. Unless your employer doesn't hire women and you have to pretend to keep the job. That would be okay. But maybe you should consider what it means that there are only male clowns--maybe that only men are laughable buffoons that dress like idiots and whom nobody takes seriously? Ha, ha, of course it doesn't mean that. It means people think women can't be funny. You should try to make your clown character gradually more and more feminine so that nobody notices. Then one day, shed your baggy, brightly-colored jumpsuit and reveal the less-baggy, perhaps more brightly-colored sexy clown outfit you have on underneath. But please, please don't be a Christina Aguilera clown. One of those is more than enough--and she'd probably sue you for stealing her act.
Your Dreams
By Nelly Furtado
I keep having this horrible dream where my I get pregnant and I'm so happy about it but my boyfriend hates me all of a sudden and then his female coworker is delivering the baby, only she keeps it and then I'm lost in the hospital and I can't find my boyfriend. -Dallas, Dallas.
Well, this is a difficult dream to interpret. You're in a hospital, which is usually a symbol for the state or some other large, care-taking entity, like a large corporation that you might work for. But then your boyfriend's coworker steals your baby, which maybe means the hospital represents your boyfriend's workplace. Does he work for a large corporation? Nevermind . . . you're having a baby in this dream, which is often a symbol for an important project or something valuable that you may be taking care of, like a house or a pet. What is the nature of your boyfriends relationship with this coworker? Are they close friends? Do they have any kind of history together? Because your dream may be telling you that she is a figure whom you can trust completely. Why else would she be taking your baby? She's what we call the "babysitter figure." You and your boyfriend need to spend more time with her. Have you talked about future commitment or marriage at all? The dream may also be telling you that your boyfriend is ready to settle down. When you can't find him in the hospital, he's obviously out buying a house or earning money for your new family.