Skating Humor

Skating Jokes:

-How is music like ice skating? If you don't "C sharp" you'll "B flat."

-A TV commentator at the Olympics skating competition commented that "the death spiral was always a Russian specialty". Not always. Just for the last 600 years.
(George Tucker)

-How do you get a complex ice pair number? Find a real figure skater and pair him with Surya Bonaly!
(Ana Gonzalez)

-While ice-skating, my friend had a nasty fall, sliding face-downward 20-feet across the ice. The rink doctor examined him and decided there was nothing he could do for him or the large bruise on his forehead. "Would you like some ice for that?" he offered. (author unknown)

-"This week 15-year-old gold medalist Tara Lipinski made a lot of news. She is now going to be advertising a figure skating Barbie doll. This will be the first Barbie ad where under the spokesperson's picture it says 'actual size."
(From: Conan O'Brien 3/4/98)

-"Oksana Baiul, Olympic gold medal figure skater, over the weekend lost control of her car and was arrested for driving under the influence...According to police reports, her blood alcohol level was .16, .16, .15, .16, .16, .16, .16, .15 and .14 from the East German judge."
(from David Letterman 1/22/97)

Heard on "The Nanny"

The situation: Fran recognizes her mugger in Central Park, hides behide Mr. Sheffield and screams:
Fran: "Stop! He knows Tai Baibilonia!"
Mr. Sheffield: " It's Tae Kwan Do!"

From the movie "The Cutting Edge":

-While examining new figure skates=

Doug:  "Hey, hold on! What to do with these, uh, claws up here?"
Anton:  "Is toe-pick."
Doug:  "Toe-pick? Let me guess....it has something to do with personal hygiene?"

-Doug, now the ex-hockey player turned pairs skater returns home to Minnesota=
Doug:  "Well, actually it's kind of interesting. I've been, I've been doin' a little figure skating."
Walter: "You've been doing alittle what?"
Old man in back of bar:  "Finger painting?"

-And who could forget this scene? =)
Doug:  "You want my hands where?" (gesturing)

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Tasteless but funny jokes about skating's "bad girl" Tonya Harding:

-Seen on a poster in a bar shortly after Tonya Harding placed tenth in the first half of the women's figure skating competition: "Tonya Harding: Nine clubbings away from Gold!" (Robert N. Winters)

-Heard on the radio this morning (here in Portland, OR) that Tonya Harding, defrocked figure skater, had her prize Ford truck stolen from the parking lot of a local shopping mall. At which point the announcer asked the obvious question: Why didn't she use the Club? (Scott Johnson)

-Have you heard about Hasbro's new Tonya Harding ice-skating doll? Assault and Battery sold separately...(ba-boom..) (Dan Miley)

The following from: Cindy and Mark Wachdorf's Joke Stack

-Tonya Harding went to the zoo and was questioned by police about a crane seen standing on one leg.

-Did you hear that Tonya Harding just got a new endorsement?
"Lucky Strike" Cigarettes.

-A new drink has been invented in honor of Lorena Bobbit and Tonya Harding : A club soda with a slice.

-Did you here why Tanya divorced her ex-husband?
He kept hitting on other skaters.

-Did you know that Tonya Harding has a new restaurant? It's called Club Nancy [oh geez....]

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Olympic Jokes:

Peekaboo (Picabo) Street (the US Olympian) apparently came into a lot of money because of her Olympic performance this winter. Rather than spend it on herself, she showed a lot of character by donating it to a local hospital. The primary facility the hospital needed was a retrofit of the Intensive Care Unit, so in her honor, the hospital board is going to name the new unit, "Peekaboo, I.C.U."

-"I'm Going to Disneyland!" - Kristi Yamaguchi, after winning the Gold
-"Where are you Tomba?" - Katerina Witt
-"I came, I saw, they kicked my Butt,,," - Chris Bowman
-"Ooooh!" - Scott Hamilton & Verne Lundquist, figure skating commentators (LOL!!)
-"Nancy is a very special friend of mine." Paul Wylie, immediately after the exhibition performace with Nancy Kerrigan. -"YOU'RE DEAD, PAUL!!!!!" - Paul Wylie's soon-to-be ex-girlfriend at Harvard, immediately after the exhibition performance of Paul & Nancy. (author unknown)