Amber's Thoughts On Love
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So, what exactly is love anyway? It seems to be what everyone wants, but no one seems to be able to say what it is, with the exception of saying it is an indescribable feeling. Well, I'm not able to offer any better description, but I can offer my insight into the topic.
When I was little, I loved my family. Especially my grandmother, who I always had a very special bond with, and still love unconditionally to this day, even though she has long since departed this world. However, even though this type of love is very strong, it is obviously very different from romantic feelings of love, which seems to be the category that has eluded me through life. I thought I knew exactly what love was at one point in life, but upon reflection, it really wasn't love at all, but more of a way for me to hide who I really was by being in a relationship that was more symbolic than anything, and lacked any real substance. Naturally, those feelings passed, and eventually led me to tragedy, but such are the ways of life. All we can really do is learn from it, grow and try to become a better person because of it. As life went on, again and again I thought I found love, but it repeatedly proved to be the same situation over again, only with a different person. I soon came to realize that the fault was within myself. After all, how could I ever expect to find true love and happiness, when I couldn't even be honest about who I was as a person. And even if I were to find someone who loved me, it wouldn't be me that they loved, but the person I pretended to be, which is basically a character I made up in childhood and refined as I grew older. However, realizing what my problem was is a long ways from fixing it. For some time I remained closeted, in a loveless relationship, pretending to be someone or something that I was not. In fact, to this day I am still in that situation, only now I am ready to embrace and cherish the truth of who I am inside, and am finally ready to let both myself and the world know who Amber is on the inside. As most of you girls will know, this is a very difficult task to accomplish, and one that needs a lot of support, which is very hard to come by when you are closeted. I found my strength and support in the form of chatting with friends online. You can often find me in gay.com's Central/Mountain TG Chat room.
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