Slayers ACK!
                                                         By - Linnet

Scene shoots to a big pile of books as music is cued. The book in the middle has a purple handprint on it and the title reads, "Nahga’s Implications." The book opens to a colorful little castle. A chibi, very big-breasted woman leaps out in front of the castle, chasing a ball, looks at you (the audience), then runs into the castle through the doggy door.

Now you (the audience) are in the castle. Someone clad in a red-striped shirt and khaki pants walks up to you. She looks particularly clueless at your (the audience) existence. But then…

"Oh, hi there guys! It’s me, Lina. It’s so great to see you again! I’m just hanging out here, checking out my list of people who are being incompetent little animated minions and not paying rent. Care to join me? All right! Come on!" Shuffling in place as the screen starts to form into the kitchen room. Lina sits down by an oversized notebook that reads: OVERDUE RENT.

"Let’s see who the bloody bastards are this week!" Lina opens the notebook, then gasps. "Wow! There’s a lot this month! Let’s check it out." She holds up the list to the camera. It zooms in on a picture of a jellyfish. "Who owes us rent first?" She pauses for about 20-25 seconds. You (the underage audience) reply:

"Gourry! Gourry is the first bastard!"

"Oh! So he is. Well, let’s pay a visit to our ungrateful-of-hospitality friend." Lina shuffles in place some more until screen finishes scrolling to a room with a large fish tank. She leans forward as camera zooms onto the fish tank, where Gourry lives. "Hello?" She taps on the glass a few times. "Mister Gourry? Are you home?"

The diminutive aquatic animated creature with two black dots for eyes floats out of his little model castle. "Hey, Lina. Hi, guys." He ‘smiles’ at you (the audience). "What’s up?"

"Well, it so happens that you owe me a lot of money, Gourry."

"I do?"

"Yes. Let’s see how much." Lina looks at you (the audience). "Can you help us figure out how much of the green stuff Gourry owes me? Great!" She holds up the list to the camera, zooming into the picture of Gourry and the number: $4,688. "So how much does he owe me?"

"Four thousand, six hundred and eighty-eight!" you (the audience) reply eagerly.

"Yeah, that’s right! So, Gourry. Pay up."

The little fish composed of jelly scratched its ‘head’ with a tentacle (tentacle as in rated PG tentacle, you perverts.). "Gee, Lina, I’m a jelly fish. I can’t be employed; thus I can’t make money. I don’t have any."

Lina nods in understanding. "Oh, I see. Well, that leaves me with only one choice."

"What would that be?"

Lina looks to you (the audience). "Can you guys guess what I plan to do with Gourry?"

You (the audience) reply sadistically, "Feed him to Nahga!"

"That’s right! Come on, Gourry. You’re going for a trip." Lina takes the fish net and scoops Gourry up, who struggles with his mostly-aqueous body.

"But Lina!" he protests. "I need to live in a liquid environment to sustain life!"

"Oh, don’t worry! I’m just moving you to a different liquid environment. But for the trip, you can stay in the randomly existent pickle jar full of water." She plops the jellyfish in the jar and screws the lid on. This "lidding" prevents Gourry’s protest from being audible. "Come on, guys! Let’s go find Nahga. Where could she be?"

Just then, Nahga leaps up. "Oh-HOHOHOHOHO!" she cries, slapping her hand against the camera, leaving a big purple handprint on it. She then dashes off into animation oblivion. Lina gasps at the sudden purple print of a hand.

"Look! A purple handprint! Nahga wants us to play Nahga’s Implications to find out where she is!" Lina looks at you (the audience) thoughtfully. "Now, to play Nahga’s Implications, we have to find a…a…"

"A handprint!" you (the audience) cry triumphantly.

"Right! And that’s our first…"

"Implication!"

"An implication?"

"An implication!"

"Then we put it in our…"

"Dell computer notebook!"

Lina smiles and breaks out into song and dance. "Because they’re Nahga’s Implications! Implications! We gotta find the next handprint; that’s our second implication. We put it in our Dell computer notebook because they’re Nahga’s Implications! Implications!" Pace of the song is speeded up; dancing becomes cheesier. We gotta find the last handprint; that’s our final implication. We put it in our Dell computer notebook because they’re Nahga’s Implications! Implications!"

She jumps backward. "Then we sit down in our Rationalizing Settee and rationalize. Rationalize. Rationalize!" Lina leaps up and steps toward the camera, dancing. "Because when we imply our intellect, give imagination a swift kick in the ass, we can accomplish! Anything! That we intend to complete." End song.

"So, let’s go find some random implications!" Lina shuffles in place, singing the Implication Song to herself as the screen passes to the kitchen. You (the audience) cry out at the sight of a handprint on a garden spade.

"An Implication! A random Implication!"

Lina twirls around. "Where?" Music of discovery plays as she sees the print. "OH! There it is! It’s this…Garden spade! We must put this in our…"

"Dell computer notebook!" you (the audience) cry.

"Right!" Lina pulls out the notebook and logs onto her paint program. She then starts drawing the spade. "There! We have our first implication. Where could Nahga be implying that she is?" The shuffling in place resumes as screen changes into living room, where a squeaky voice pipes up.

"Lina! Lina!" Lina spins around. "Where could that be coming from? Oh! I know! It’s our also-overdue rent payer, Amelia the starfish!" Lina crouches over another fish tank, which contains Amelia. "What can I do for you, Amelia?"

"Well, it seems I’ve lost my Rod of Justice! I can’t find it anywhere in my tank! Can you help me find it?"

Lina looks at you (the audience). "Will you help me and Amelia find her Rod of Justice? You will? Great! Where was the last place you had it, Amelia?"

Amelia blinks. "Well, the habitat that you’ve given me consists of dirt and water. I’m pretty sure it’d be in the dirt somewhere, but I looked all over!"

A light dawns upon Lina. "Oh wait! I remember now! I compensated it from you!"

"WHAT?"

"I took it for payment because you haven’t paid rent!" She holds up the list for proof.

"Why didn’t you tell me?"

"Because I left you memos on your to-do list about it."

"I have a to-do list?"

Lina sighs. "Oh well, now that you don’t have any money for me, I’ll have to get you to Nahga as well." She scoops Amelia out of the water, unscrews the lid of the pickle jar, and plops the little Starfish of Justice in with Gourry. "It’ll be a while until you get to your new home; we have to find two more implications!" After tightening the lid, Lina stands up and smiles at you (the audience). "Let’s go find some more implications!"

She begins shuffling once again in place as the scene changes to the room with the back door. Spotting another purple handprint, you (the audience) cry,

"Look! Another implication! Look!"

"What? Oh, where?" Discovery music. "There it is! It’s a plant! Hmm…Well, we had better jot this down in our nifty Dell computer notebook!" After quickly drawing up the garden plant, Lina thinks. "Where could Nahga be? Well, let’s seek out our third and final implication!"

The in-place "walking" ensues as the scene changes yet once again till we (the audience and Lina) arrive in the living room. You (the audience) cry, "Another implication! There! Behind you!"

Lina turns to the side, gasping. "There it is! Our final implication! It’s a garden hose. We had better write this down in our nifty Dell computer notebook!" And after putting this down in the Dell, Lina stands there blankly for a few moments. "That’s our last implication." The importance of this dawns upon her. "We have our last implication! This means that we go to our…"

"Rationalizing Settee!"

"Right! Let’s go!" Commence the fake walking until Lina ends up to the animated armrest. She sits in it confidently. "Okay! Let’s review our accumulated implications. A spade," a little digital spade dances above Lina, "a plant," as does the plant, "and a hose." A little garden hose gets its groove on above her. Three different instruments play for each item and make a jazzy little tune. Lina thinks hard. "Where could Nahga be…?"

After five minutes, which seemed to have stretched on for hours, you (the audience) exalt, "The garden! The garden!"

Lina’s eyes grow wide. "The garden! Of course!" She praises you (the audience) with fake admiration. "What are we waiting for? Let’s give this dirty sons of bitches what they deserve!" Running in place to the out-of-doors set, where lo and behold, Nahga is.

"Hey, Nahga! Look what I have for you! Two low-down, no good ruffians who wouldn’t pay me rent!"

"Oh-HOHOHOHO! HOHO?"

"That’s right! All for you! Here!" Lina unscrew the lid to the pickle jar and drops the jellyfish and the starfish at Nahga’s feet.

Amelia squeaks, "What is the meaning of this?"

"I thought you were taking me to a new aquatic reserve, Lina!" cries Gourry.

"Oh, I am!" replies a happy Lina. "Digestive acids are aqueous." She laughs sadistically; the fish cower.

Nahga blinks. "Ho-hoho?"

"What do you mean, ‘what do I do with them’? Eat them!" The fish cry out in torment.

Nahga wrinkles her nose. "HO! HOHOHO!"

"Oh, come on! I heard jellyfish are 98% aqueous anyway, so it can’t hurt you much!"

"Ohhhhhhhhhh HOHOHO…" grumbles Nahga.

"What other means of getting rid of them?" Her question is answered as Nahga pulls out the Holy Hand Grenade. She pulls the pin. "Ho…Hoho…HOHOHO!" She is about to drop it, but KABLLLOOOOOOM!!! The grenade exploded too early and everybody died.

Why?

She didn’t count to three. She counted to "HOHOHO".

The book closes. Although it’s charred and the rest of the books are burning…


Notes: Nahga is laughing her replies. That’s all she can do. She’s not saying "ho" repeatedly, you dirty minded lil’ freaks. -.- And my disclaimer is that I don’t own Blue’s Clues, Slayers, or Monty Python. There we go! Sorry for chapter 7 cliffhanger…I want to keep this fresh! Sequel soon! Beware! HA!

                                            
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