By Amanda

To rebuild Amanda better, faster, quicker and smarter; to produce the $25,000 woman! The procedure I have chosen is in its infancy in Australia, but has been perfected in NZ over the past 5 years. The operation is simply to use a piece of the ascending colon (the part just above the appendix) as the internal structure for the vagina and to construct the outer and inner labia and clitoris from the existing material available. The operation will take some 5 hours and involve 3 specialist surgeons, an anaesthetist, their assistant and various theatre staff. The procedure will use a laparoscope inserted through the tummy button and 2 cameras also inserted through the tummy area. Scaring will be minimal, unlike its Australian equivalent, which leaves a scar from tummy button to pubic hairline.

As I write these words, I am still a man. But, that will soon change. The hormone therapy I began two years ago is already altering both mind and body. Soon, the person known as Don will cease to exist and the new person of Amanda shall be born.

So it is with a strange mixture of sadness and elation, suffering and joy, that I write these words. For in order for Amanda to live, Don must die. No, I am not a "split" personality. But just as there are many aspects of Amanda that cannot be expressed in the role of Don, there are many facets of Don that can no longer be explored as Amanda.

So, my life as a man has reached an impasse. My development as a male is to be cut off, both figuratively and literally. And yet, I gladly lay my life down for her. For I have come to know Amanda intimately as a beautiful person: warm compassionate, creative, insightful. I love her. Indeed, if I were able to meet Amanda face to face, I would surely remain Don and devote all my days to pleasing her and basking in the blow of her joyous outlook. But such can never be, and Don must die for Amanda to live.

I do not know what the future holds; no one ever does. But I do know that the course I have charted is truly the only one open to me. Any other path leads to certain disaster, as great, gaping chunks of my personality would whither, fester, and die.

So, I close with a wish for the new woman about to be born: May your outer beauty match the inner beauty I have come to know and love. May our days be long and fruitful. May you find happiness where I have found pain and contentment from my frustration.

How the Operation is done!

The urology specialist in the meantime is dissecting the penis ensuring the sensitive tissue and connecting nerves are preserved. This specialist also tunnels up near the pubic bone to the awaiting section of ascending colon.

The plastic surgeon now sets to work constructing the inner and outer labia, clitoris and opening to the vagina. This is done with the penile skin, which ensures no hair growth on the inner labia. At this point the urologist connects the urinary track to the inside of the labia and inserts the catheter. This all sounds very simple, but the procedure takes around 5 hours and employs approximately 10 people.

3pm Ms L (my best friend former partner of some 11 years) and I arrived in Christchurch. All has been calm and fun - it was good to see the excitement in Ms L's eyes on seeing a new city in a new country.

Time to organise a few things. Found some wonderful shoes in a shop called the warehouse. Attended the bowel surgeons medical centre at 10am and was given the final details for the operation and the infamous bowel preparation. Paid all bills for surgery (some $19,000 worth) including the hospital (Deposit $6,500) via cash drawn from a bank account I had established in Christchurch on my last visit there. This saved me around 1.5% on the transfer of the $23,000 to New Zealand (about $345). Some confusion occurred at this point - 2 of the 3 surgeons were happy for admission to hospital to be Friday. This included the bowel surgeon who told me to administer the bowel preparation very close to a toilet. Mr Walker wanted admission at 4pm so we were told to visit him at 5.30pm to double check with him it would be ok!

1pm My mother phones to beg me not to go through with the procedure. Here I am standing in the middle of the main street of Christchurch with my mother begging and crying. This is not fair! She was on a Telstra special that meant she wanted to talk for 1/2 hour about the whole thing.

5.30pm the remission from admission was not allowed sadly - I would have felt a lot more comfortable staying at the hotel with Ms L.

6pm I took the bowel preparation. This preparation takes about an hour to work so Ms L and I walked off to the hospital for admission.

7pm - in my private room and the bowel prep starts to work. Luckily the private room has its own amenities. Mr S (my fiance) had ensured there were flowers in my room for my arrival. They are absolutely beautiful!

9pm - Ms L leaves and I settle down for the evening.

The running to the loo happened on the hour every hour all night - didn't manage to sleep at all. I really longed to be with Ms L and not in this sterile environment. A few times the nurses looked in on me during the night they were greeted with my tired and weary face wide awake. Surgery is scheduled for 1.30pm - I hope this bowel prep is finished by then.

1pm - the bowel prep is still working with vengeance - at this point I am unsure if it's the preparation or my nerves. Time for a last shower and a shave of the private areas. The words of my friend Julie come back to me - butterflies. At this point my automatic defences take over and the jokes and funnies start. Thick white surgical stockings are put on.

1.30pm I finally get to meet the anaesthetist. "Give me the gas please - no cold liquids travelling up my arm please!!" No problem! At this point its time to travel up to the surgeries. Butterflies butterflies!!!!!!!!! More jokes from me to hide the fear! The nurses were going through "what is your name?" - What are you here for? I looked at and smiled - they're taking a bit off the end - I am here for the rhinoplasty! Grin!

2pm into surgery

OK this is going to sting a little - please lay on your side and curl up in a ball so we can insert the spinal tap for the epidural. At this point I began to cry - I was petrified - there is no turning back now - it's a one way street! - The anaesthetist assistant put his hand on my shoulder and rubbed me - I have never been so thankful for human contact in my life before and I will remember that moment for the rest of my life. Lying back on my back with what seemed like 12 people all round me the gas came and sleep grabbed hold of me.

9pm I woke up and felt good - I had heard that some people are sick after a general but I felt good. OK how about some ice please? - No problems. Ms L appeared in recovery with me - I had been out longer than expected and was still in recovery. My blood pressure was lower than the doctors wanted. The nurses were worried I was bleeding down below, but it was decided just to monitor the bleeding at this point. I had an assortment of devices connected to my body. My legs had devices on them which every minute or so inflated and pushed the blood from my legs. This was fun. IV's were in and there was a unit of blood I donated for myself in Brisbane being dripped into my arm. The other arm had a devices which checked the blood pressure and pulse automatically on it. A catheter also hung from the side of my bed. 2 drains were exiting my pubic area. Ms L left for home about 10pm as it was getting late. I was left in recovery until 1am - my blood pressure was still very low and the bleeding hadn't stopped.

No sleep again last night - all these devices hopping into action throughout the night was not fun! The nursing staff would also come in to check the epidural was working every hour by running ice down my body. The concern on the faces of the nursing staff was also becoming apparent re the bleeding. The only damage from surgery was a numb left heal - this would take 8 weeks to right itself and turned out to be a massive blister.

9am a burning pain had started on my right side and I was beginning to feel the ice on that side. The nurses responded by increasing the dosages of the epidural. This resulted in left leg being totally numb and most of my chest numb too. The pathology lady turns up to take blood for analysis - this would be the first of many visits. Another pain in my left shoulder is a result of the use of the laparoscope and the trapped air in my body. It feels like my shoulder has been dislocated.

10am Ms L arrived - she expects I am happy as the night before! Wrong! Pain was taking over and the nurses were becoming more concerned and are now thinking the bleeding is internal! I feel terrible as I hardly notice the beautiful flowers and big brown teddy bear she has with her for me.

4pm Mr S calls and it's so wonderful to hear his voice -

3am - The nurses were getting very concerned about the reading and phone Mr Walker.

4am I too was worried about the bleeding and final Mr Walker arrives to inspect it. After a few minutes he notices it is external bleeding and sets to fix the problem with needle and thread.

10am With the morphine flowing my mood was improving -Time to phone my mother and reassure her things are fine. A more calm call this time thank goodness.

6pm I am hungry and I am allowed to eat some scrambled eggs. It was wonderful! I had also heard terrible things about morphine addiction and decided when it had become time to re-tap my drip that I was not going to have any more. So the pump was disconnected. A drip tap point seems to last 24 to 36 hours and hurts like nothing at this point - I didn't want any more pain.

10pm I slipped off to sleep again.

9am - The bowel specialist visits me. He tells me there were complications during the procedure, but he doesn't spend enough time explaining them and to be quiet honest I couldn't listen due to the pain. Talk about bad bedside manner! Anyway the main vein to my colon was not the normal one and as a consequence a slightly longer section of colon had to be used - some 18cm instead of the 15cm. This was all cleared up the day before I left to go home to Australia.

12 noon Flowers also arrive from Julie that were also beautiful - the only bright part of a very dark day.

7pm the feeling of wanting to be sick became too much! I filled the bowl with brine and scrambled egg. I still didn't feel any better than before and I think I will never eat hospital scrambled eggs again!

10pm I slipped off to a horrible sleep.

9am the Ward sister comes in to tell me I have no money left of my deposit - this was way off putting and was wrong - It turns out I had used up the deposit 3 days ago.

11am still feeling very bad Mr Walker turned up. He was here to remove the packing from my vagina. I thought the previous drain removal was bad BUT this was worse. Again I screamed as the packing was removed and also lost control of my bodily functions I have never felt so embarrassed in my whole life! Firstly my private parts were on show to doctors and nursing staff whenever I needed assistance and then to make a mess like this! - This was hell. I would mess myself another 3 times before I had control back and was able to get out of bed by myself.

11pm I realised the upset tummy was gone, but to replace this was gastric reflux. I asked for Gavascon and was told it was not on my list and so I was not allowed!

2am I asked for Gavascon again and the nursing staff phoned one of the doctors and got permission. As there was none in the hospital one of the staff went out to the local 24 hour pharmacy and brought back the much needed medicine. I was saved.

8am I showered myself and have got skilled at emptying my catheter bag. The leg massagers were not reconnected and that felt wonderful.

10am Ms L arrived and I was feeling a lot better - but the last thing I felt like was another needle for pharmacology. My arms were looking more like the arms of an addict and there was an allergic reaction to one of the swabs they had used on a previous needle.

4pm I forced myself to walk to the front door of the hospital - I just wanted to keep on walking, but Ms L stopped me. Probably for the best as it was extremely cold anyway.

6pm Ms L sneaks in some Hungry Jacks - ah food at last. This is good!

A good night sleep and I am feeling a lot better. Today I want out! PLEASE.

Still can't eat the food in this hospital - its just doesn't taste good - so Ms L sneaks in some more good food - roast beef sandwiches yum!

During my stay in hospital I received phone calls and cards from many wonderful people which really helped ensure my moral was high! I will never be able to repay these people for what they have done for me.

I had a good night sleep, but am very very tired still. The twinges started today - the healing of nerves! These were very strong and shock quite literally. The swelling is huge and I feel like a side of beef has been stringed tightly together. I am told the swelling takes 3 to 6 months to vanish. I would not be walking today. Restarted taking HRT today - will be nice to feel I have control over my mood swings again.

Desperate to clean up I washed my hair. The heat of the water and my low white blood cell count was not good. I managed to rush back to bed wet with many stars and dizziness

3pm Ms L and I walked around the block! - This was a huge achievement!

Another day in bed - I am ventured only 1 side of a city block and back - just too tired.

Another day in bed - I am unable to sit as it is just far to sore and tender - the only position of comfort is laying propped up. This catheter is driving me crazy. No walking today.

10am Ms L and I walked to the Urologist (some 2kms) to have the catheter removed. I must admit the recent memory of another drains etc being removed had prepared me for a horrible experience. To my surprise and relief the pain was quite mild! After walking back to the hotel I found peeing again was a wonderful experience. My bowel movements were also finally starting the thicken up - although it would take about another week to become normal again (not size just consistency)

5pm 1st visit to Mr Walker for a check up - again we walked about 2 kms each way - He lent me a small stent (3/4 inch steel) and I am shown how to dilate. This is to be used once a day in the shower. Walker tells me I have ripped a stitch and this will cause some pain.

All is ok except I still can't sit down, the twinges and the constant pain down below. The skin has gone from the sores below and 2 areas about 2 inches square are red raw - I guess I walked a bit far yesterday!

1pm Ms L leaves for the airport and the trip home - she has been so wonderful!

6pm I cooked a prepared meal for myself.

Eat sleep and be merry!

I rested easy as one of the nursing staff had insisted I phone them if I needed assistance.

Stay in bed again today - Mr S arrives tonight and I am excited to see him. Unfortunately he arrives at 1am and I fall asleep. I am glad he wakes me though - I missed him big time.

Another close mishap today! Whilst showering and washing my hair I began to see stars again. I called Mr S urgently and he helps me (soaking wet) out of the shower to lay down. Definitely time to eat more red meat again and work on those white cells count.

Mr S hires a car and I buy a pillow to sit on. We do a little sight seeing and head to Walkers office at 5.30pm. I am introduced to Stent No 1 - 1 inch - this is the first stent of the set I purchased from Canada - they go 1 inch, 1 1/8 inch. 1 1/4 inch and 1 3/8 inches - oh they look sooo big! I cried after using the stent due to the pain - this must get better! I am dilating for 20 minutes morning and night! This is to continue for 3 months.

I had to put Mr S into a separate bed as the moving during the night was causing a significant amount of pain (Mr S ends up sleeping alone for the next 3 weeks) - I am still sleeping partially sitting up.

Gotta get away! - Today we drove from the east coast to the west coast - even though I was in a lot of pain it was just so good getting outside.

Very uncomfortable sitting in the car; mostly reclining the seat and sleeping as we travel. I can also feel the effects of a urinary tract infection. Off to the local doctor - thank goodness he didn't want to inspect the infection. Problem - the chemist only has part of the pills needed! - This would be solved 2 days later by us visiting another chemist 200 kms away.

Arrived back yesterday from our trip around the South Island - still extremely uncomfortable. Another visit to Walker - all looks good - except I feel so uncomfortable down there. I tell Walker there has been no improvement in my pain levels in the past week - I put it down to the travelling.

I find I am becoming badly cut from something sharp down below - I realised that the extra stitches had not been removed and they are not dissolving ones.

Ms Smart, the unit psychologist, asked Mr S and I to dinner. Ms Smart had gone to an amazing amount of trouble and cooked a beautiful dinner for us. It was wonderful night and we both felt totally spoilt.

Started to use stent no 2 today - this hurts bad!

Walker removes the non-dissolving stitches and a lot of the dissolving ones - this eases the pain I have been experiencing over the past week and consequently my comfort levels improve greatly.

The trip home - 4 1/2 hours on an aircraft seat is not looking attractive! I spend half that time on my feet - the explanation to the aircrew was I fell over and bruised my tailbone on a glacier. Amazing, after that, I am told of all their problems eg bad backs etc!

7pm home sweet home!

I want to get back to work - the boredom is killing me! - Still can't sit down and I would not make it back until the 23 June with my trusty pillow in hand.

Glad I only worked one day - will take 2 days to recover. Tomorrow I will start using stent no 3. Mr S installed a hand held showerhead for me - it is excellent for cleaning and having short half showers post dilating.

Visited my GP today - the urinary tract infection is back with vengeance this time. My GP chooses a much stronger action of treatment than the last time in NZ.

That was one of the longest weeks in my memory - still can't sit on my pillow for longer than 4 hours - at least I am getting plenty of sympathy over my hysterectomy from my fellow staff. Also drinking plenty of water to flush out my urinary system - its feeling good at last. Must admit though I am feeling so good within myself. I know this has been the right decision and I am determined even more to get on with life. I have lost that feeling of not belonging in public - it's wonderful.

Today is the first day I have been able to sit all day. Tomorrow I start using stent no 4 - I have gone from 3 inches penetration to about 1 1/4 inches and this is worrying me a little, although with this procedure the main aim of dilation is to stretch the opening, not the length - the length can be done later, it is just stretching the muscles internally

Starting to feel better at last - still finding a week's work very difficult. Have got to the bottom of the problem of penetration by exploring the area with a gloved hand - has given me a better idea on which way to press the stent - depth is getting better and this has help reduce the pain factor. Visit my local endocrinologist for a check up - he has a view of Walkers handy work and is blown away by how real it looks. The only easily discernible difference is the vaginal entrance is a little further back.

Think I have worked out the secret to dilation at last - I now use the No 3 stent for 10 minutes followed by the no 4 one for 20 minutes. Depth is getting back to 3 to 3 1/2 inches depending on how relaxed I am.

My first orgasm! - it was self stimulated - but the whole thing works!!!

Had sex for the first time - felt great - but still very tender down below! The red sore areas are close to gone. Three more weeks should do it! Was able to do some gardening and work around the house today - nice to feel useful again. Also wore a G-string for the first time today!

Well the red spots are close to gone - the only remnant that remains is at the base of a fold of skin. Unfortunately, the pain factor with dilating has increased again. I have only 4 inches depth & this is very hard to achieve at this level of discomfort. I have decided to see a local GP I know who has some experience with this I hope. Sex has been out of the question due to depth & pain.

Well my visit with the Doctor went well - all seems fine and I am now equipped with some muscle tensing to try to ease the pain and been told to explore the internals with my own fingers to get some ideas. Saturday night I feel I have done more damage whilst dilating - the pain factor is horrible - have decided to only dilate to where it starts to hurt - also notice I appear to be bleeding!

I am bleeding - after dilating this morning I went to the shower to find a thick dark blood like substance running down my legs. Dilating is going to have to be a lot more gently done in the future.

Had a break through this morning - I decided to use the smallest stent (the 1 inch) for a change to see if the pain is still there. To my surprise all 8 inches of it disappeared! WOW - I will never need all this length! Decided to try stent 2 (1 1/8 inch) It also disappeared to a depth of 8 inches! The 1 1/4 & 1 3/8 stent still only go in 2 inches before pain - but now there is light at the end of the tunnel so to speak!

Had another break through this morning - the largest stent has finally gone in the 8 inches! It felt incredibly tight. I am still needing the 2nd & 3rd stent to help loosen myself up but that is the goal reached. Gold Medal to Amanda! LOL - but seriously the time spent dilating varies greatly at the moment - some nights are 1 hour & other nights are closer to 2 hours - the time is varying as I am not pressing as hard as I did before & some nights I am more stressed than others.

The last few months I have been negotiating the red tape of the NSW Births, Deaths & Marriages. I lodged my cheque & application for a new birth certificate 26/6/2000. It took them 1 month to present the cheque & then another month to send the paper work they considered necessary for the change to birth certificate to happen - I now have 3 statutory declarations to fill out - 2 by doctors who have inspected Mr Walkers handi work - at this rate I will be lucky to have a new birth certificate by Christmas. Patience & I will get there! :))

Progression for the last month has been slow. The fourth size stent is proving difficult to use for the period necessary. The mucous production has become heavier in the last two weeks, and this has resulted in changing pads twice a day, as the chafing was becoming a serious problem. Two nights during the last fortnight I have found the mucous production so heavy that I needed to have multiple showers to clean up. Started douching a week ago, and this has eased the problem, but I am still requiring two pads a day. The red sore has finally healed this week.

Its here - its arrived - one brand new birth certificate - I can hardly believe it - its taken 5 months. I must admit I am over the moon about it!

On other fronts the pain of dilation has finally got too much! I decided I would write to the surgeon to ask for his input - one question being should I stop for a while! The email went unanswered & so I decided a weeks break was needed. To my surprise 10 days later when I went back to dilation the muscles had taken hold again - I could not easily slip the smallest stent in easily! Depressed & demoralised I decided to just give it a rest for a while & see. Another 2 weeks passed without news for the surgeon - my husband had noticed a marked change in my moods - being perceptive he took the lead & phoned NZ for me. NO LUCK - he couldn't get a call returned - but 2 days later an email arrived ?you're doing well - don?t stop dilation or you will be back to where you started? Too late I cried!

Also no answer was in the email on how much longer this would go on. I was under the impression that it would last 3 months - here I was at 6 months & still struggling - I still have no answers but I will just keep at it each night & see what 12 months brings!

Life is as normal as it gets I think. Work Christmas parties, Christmas shopping & the general day to day activities of living! I must admit I now feel very much part of the normal society & I hope I will never ever see the twilight zone again.

Ghosts!!! A friend who I have become very attached to is flying out for her op in NZ - my experience has come rushing back - I have felt like I lived through the whole procedure again. Julie is coming through the op with flying colours - the recovery procedures have changed in the last 6 months - I hope I had something to do with that! 4 days post op & Julie is dilating already & having salt baths - My wishes are that she has a dream run. The flowers I sent proudly announced the arrival of the new girl into the world. She is ecstatic!!

I now lost track of how long it all has been. Life is routine and work has been demanding. I have been dilating now morning and night (at least 20 minutes) since November (December 26 finally only requiring the largest stent). Insertion is still taking 10 minutes and I must admit I do feel down hearted about ever getting to experience normal sex. I am off to the gyno tomorrow to see what he thinks. I last saw him 8 weeks ago and hope he can see some progress. A friend has suggested using foam inside a condom all day to see if that helps - I am so despirate I will try almost anything. Everythng else is good - will be getting married in Christchurch on the 12/4/2001 and the plans are well on track. Why get maried in NZ? - well its legal, the Kiwis are in front of the ozzies well & truly.

Just back from the gyno. News was not encouraging! Very little improvement in 8 weeks & he recommends surgery when my private health insurance will cover it. I cried on the drive home frm the appointment, I just feel exhausted from the effort taken to reach this stage to find out its not all over yet. This also means that normal sex will not be possible for the honeymoon. Not much else to think about - on another front today is the 35th month of electrolysis - at least I am down to once every 4 weeks or so.

The end of this month clocks up 3 years of electrolysis. Yesturdays session was the worst I can remember in recent times. I was doing well after not needing a session for 6 weeks and the 20 minutes was going well until one hair on my chin (not the most sensitive area. Well the water works started & mascara started to run (I am glad I don't wear that stuff to heavily). The session went on for another 5 minutes; a couple of hairs on my top lip ended it. A HORRIBLE TIME.

I guess the hours I have been doing at work & the pressure of moving away from my best friend as well as missing a few days HRT all added up.

Work has been exremely busy. I have been 2 staff down & this in its own has made going tough - but the time spent retraining new staff is also very tiring. The down side to all this hard work has been I have not been able to organise anything for my wedding - so a registry wedding is looking very likely now. This was certainly not what I had dreamed & I feel very angry against the Australian bureaucracy. I must admit talking to a lady (I have become friends with) at work I shed a tear about working such very long hours & not having the time to do things. Hopefully this week something will present itself.

Also today I received an email from someone who read this diary - thank so much for the positive feedback! :)

PS HAPPY ST PATRICK'S DAY! -The parade in Brisbane today was great!

Well they say a week is a long time is something or rather! - In the past week I have been able to arrange someone to marry us, a place for it to happen, & the most exciting of all the purchase of my dress. I amazing how things can come together is such a quick time - so whats my dress look like you ask - ok ok here's the run down - electric blue medieval with gold piping as trim on the bodes ? I spotted the outfit a few years ago & could not find an excuse to buy such a wonderful piece of clothing ? EXCUSE FOUND!!!

Life is good again!

Saturday 31 March 2001

Well time is rushing by now - I have a hair dresser arranged (at last) - it was getting a little difficult to in so close to easter! Accommodation is booked & everything except what shoes to wear is now in place (hope to fix that today!) The girls at work are throwing me a hens party & my best friend is organising one for me as well - so a week of celbrations is on the cards. Its just wonderful how all of this has come together - so fast!!

I almost forgot - 3 years of electrolysis today! Must be close to an end now - fingers crossed!

Saturday 7 April 2001

Well its been a mixed week this week. Made a booking for further surgery on the 30 June. Told I will be out of action for 7 to 10 days. Received a beautiful gift basket (for my wedding) with Moet, smoked salmon and other amazing indulgences. YUM. My birthday this week was also nice - friends at work took me out for lunch which was just great. My hens night is tonight. Great times.

Thursday 12 April 2001

I still can't beleive how everything that was organised so late & from 3,000kms away went so smoothly. Catching up with friends, finding of locations, SHOE SHOPPING! aircraft times - it still seems impossible! The day was wonderful. The cold winds of the previous day magically vanished, the light cloud cover of the morning driffed away. Mr S look magnificent in his suit & tie! And me - How did I look - (how do I say this modestly) I KNOW - I felt like a princess and I guess as I was wearing a princess medieval outfit I had better have! I decided to have 2 plats running arround the top of my head like a crown with babies breath for trimmings. I am told I looked wonderful, but I guess all brides do! And the honeymoon night - Lake Tekapo. I am not saying anything else!

Saturday 19 May 2001 1 YEAR OLD TODAY

I refuse to change my birthday to this date - I am a typical Aries female & thats it! But the time has really flown, the pain memories are fading and life feels that it has always been this way. So yes its an anniversary in some respects - but of what I am unable to say!

Also today my thoughts also extend forward to the 30/6/2001 - more and hopefully the last surgery I will need. Its strange, but I think I am more worried about this one, than the last one. I certainly can feel the anxiety already. But at least this ones being done locally and my husband will be here to care for me. Just for the record, and I think I have said it earlier in these pages - I have definitely no regrets in going to New Zealand, I feel just so confident within myself with what I have below! With even doctors having difficulty telling its not original equipment!

Saturday 16 June 2001

My next surgery date is now very close - just 2 weeks away! My energy levels in the past 12 month have been low to what they used to be. 2 weeks ago I saw my GP for a multi-vitamin & mega B injection. Wow what a difference that has made - I feel like my old self - energy abundant and back to achieving things every weekend.I think I will re-appraise my energy levels just before the next op and see if that can improve my recovery period.

Personally I feel terrified about going under the knife again and I wish I felt a little more optomistic of the results - I guess I am just going to cross my fingers and wait. My work has been a blessing the past few months - I have been so busy I barely get time to think about the up-coming events. Next weekend the company is having a planning meeting at the Coolum (a nice hotel north of here). This is also a convient way to avoid thinking about the 30th.

Ok enough of my worrying - here is the details of whats coming - My gyno is going to weaken the muscles sirrounding my virgina. He expects me to be off my feet 7 days - the surgery is day surgery and I should be home with my husband Saturday night - all going well. I have very little idea what else is in stall.

Interesting note - 6 weeks ago I stopped dialating and I have not needed to wear daily pads anymore - its absolutely wonderful! I would declare the op 13 months ago as a complete success (even with the extract legnth taken) except for the width. Ok enough for now - stay tuned for the next results!

Monday 2 July 2001

Well here I sit (actually lay) 2 days post op again. My labias are extremely swollen, but I am in good spirits. So lets see what happened. A girlfriend & myself headed out for dinner on Friday night. Its was just so wonderful being with someone (even if I could not tell them the full reason for my surgery as I don't want to spoil my cover). My girlfriend gave me a little teddy & a card to wish me good luck - its just so cute. Being end of month my S (Husband) was home late and so we didn't discuss what was going to happen next day. 6.30am we arrived at the hospital & by 7.15 I was being prepped for surgery. Laying back & being wheeled to surgery I started to cry (flash backs of 12 months). My husband held my hand as we made our way to surgery - in hind sight I laugh about my thoughts as we were wheeled passed the "Male Change" room - thoughts that my mother was about to get her way again & have me changed back again.

Previously the doctor assisting came to ask some questions. He asked why I had not filled in the previous surgical procedures section and I lookd at him and said that I had GRS. This puzzled him and he asked me to whisper what this was - so I did - "Oh I would have never picked it he said" I felt flattered. Anyway it was just so nice being in a hospital where only my doctor knew my history.

Awakening in the recovery room came so quickly - & yes I was in pain - by 9.30 I was back in my room with my husband. It was all over. 5pm I arrived home very sore and sorry - and then the dam broke. The emotional tension of what I had been through - my tolerence to pain and the whole experience hit at once. Its was nice to cry, but is was not because I was unhappy - just getting it all out was good. Over the next 24 hours the bleeding has slowly stopped thank goodness but I am also very very swollen - I can't see myself at work for a few days at this point. It will be 6 weeks before I see the gyno again - no dialation until then - that will be 3 months off! Gee thats a wonderful feeling. The past 6 weeks off dialating has been wonderful - I have been able to stop wearing hygene pads & this in turn has stopped the chaffing I have been experiencing.

Well there is not much else to say at this point except I am tired, but relieved it is all over - fingers crossed now for a normal sex life - will keep you posted.

Tuesday 3 July 2001

I feel worse today - very little sleep last night & I gave in and took more pain killers last night. Bleed again - but the swelling seems to be going.

Wednesday 4 July 2001

It is amazing what a day makes - I can sit down today & I feel almost normal (even if a little light headed & tender) I think someone told me once that day 3 after surgery is always the worst - lets hope so - I want to return to work tomorrow! All Smiles Amanda

Saturday 7 July 2001

I have been back at work 2 days - looks like I rushed back too soon - sitting on the loo I think I ripped the skin yesterday - I guess it will be a slow heal now, similar to what happen 14 months ago. Must admit my energy levels are fantastic - thank you mega B+

Saturday 14 July 2001

Well I must admit I feel alot better this week. Still very sore & yes I still have a lot of healing to do - but at least I can sit down now! :)) I have a very red raw spot where the stitches tore - but it will heal with time - and its certainly healling faster than 14 months ago.

I also must admit to being excited today as well - Next weekend I will be in Melbourne on business and I get to spend time with 2 girlfriends - 1 I haven't seen in 2 1/2 years (I bet she has changed).

A note of sadness this morning! - A leading helper of TG people in Brisbane called me this morning to tell me her husband died yesterday. I know there are many many TG people who will rally around her in her time of need.

Saturday 21 July 2001

Well Melbourne is grey, cold, wet & yes I guess everything I thought it would be! I am healling slowly! - Bleeding on Monday Tuesday & Wednesday wasn't good down below - but its not in great quantites. I will be just so happy when this is healed - & my fingers are now very crossed that I able to settle into life & sex etc. More soon!

Wednesday 31 July 2001

Healing is progressing slowly - 1 more month I hope to be thinking about exercise again.

Saturday 11 August 2001

6 weeks has now passed since the op - the raw patch is still prone to bleed - will be seeing the doctor on Monday but I think he will say that its healing as expected and that I should start dilation again soon. Hopefully some exercise will also be possible soon.

Electrolysis is back to about once every 6 weeks (if I feel like going) - its easier sometimes just plucking them myself.

Saturday 18 August 2001

Saw the gyno on Monday and things are not what we both were expecting. The entrance to the virgina is good, BUT the colon has narrowed - this has surprised both of us! I now have to try to stretch it open again :(( not easy as it is currently the width of biggest finger & its extremely sensitive - I have no stent suitable. I am starting to resign myself to never having penetrating sex in my life! ON the positive side - I don't need penetration to orgasm.

Well the red patch is now smaller & I am not due to go back to the gyno now for 3 months - I guess I am feeling a little in the lost land again!

Sunday 23 September 2001

Reading back on my last diary entry - I can see the disappointment. Today nothing in that respect has changed - it is very sore to try & widen - the gyno indicated a month ago he might have to put me under to stretch it open for me - well time will tell.

On the bright side - life is good, I addressed a sales conference last week on the benefits of education (was told I was the most qualified person in the whole company), played golf with an internationally known Australian Golf Pro (not Norman, but equally well know) and my husband & I purchased our (my) dream block of land (2 1/2 acreas close to the city (15 minutes drive)). Not a bad 2 weeks.

Sunday 30 September 2001

SUCCESS - This week the 1 inch stant squeezed back inside - extremely painful, but Xylocaine (Spelling unsure) jelly made the difference - Thank Julie for the advice. Well there is alot of hard work ahead of me now, both personally & domestically - look out here I come again! :)) Yes I am feeling alot better about myself! LOL

Saturday 27 October 2001

Well things are improving - 1 1/8 inch stent is fitting & I know I will proceed back to where I was 6 months ago - I really don't know what the future holds, but I do know its what you make of it. I guess something I learned at university come back to me today - DON'T PANIC (sounds more like Hitch hikers guild to the galaxy). Take everything one step at a time - research all alternatives and make informed choices.

Saturday 4 May 2002

Today I was asked to update my web site - so here goes - today I still can not have intercourse unless I spend 20 minutes dilating before hand and entry is made immediately after removal of dilator – unfortunately not very romantic & its still is painful. I still dilate nightly for between 1 and 2 ½ hours – depending on how long I sleep with the stent still inserted. End of the dilation session is extremely painful on the withdrawal of the stent on the join between the colon & the skin at the opening of the vagina (as the effect of Xylocaine Jelly has wore off). Additionally, if I miss a day’s dilating (which is extremely rare) it means it is harder to insert the next day – I have not been game to stop after what happened last time

I have done everything that has been required of me with an incredible dedication and Gyno believes I will just have to persevere.

I must admit I am very concerned of my lack of progress. Travelling to NZ again I have considered, but the expense of doing so is prohibitive when compared to corrective surgery that can be done under Medicare within Australia far cheaper - I now have an appointment to visit Dr Simon Ceber at the Monash medical clinic in Melb in July.

Saturday 11 May 2002

An open letter to Morgane in response to her newsgroup post 11/5/2002.

Hi Morgane

You don't know me, but I would like to thank you. I don't as a rule visit the newsgroups anymore, but the today I just felt I wanted to. Your email really touched a part of me which I had not been able to put into writing. I actually showed it to my husband - something I rarely share with him. I especially loved the first line.

"it's just that I'm out in the world doing things that have nothing to do with being transgender, with people who aren't trans."

The other line which was just so wonderfully put was

"I've awoken from my long sleep to find that nobody gives a crap that I'm transgender now. Not my family, not my friends, not my job, or even the people that I meet."

Again - I just can't put into words exactly what I am feeling at the moment, but thank you for posting it - in someway it has had an effect on my life & re-afirmed my direction in life & I feel a little more secure in knowing I am not alone in choice & decisions I have made.

So today I go on my way smiling.

Regards

Saturday 16 June 2002

Well I managed to miss a stretching session Friday Night - Today I pay the cost - It took another 5 or so minutes to insert the stent today - 1 1/4 hours later when I removed it - the stinging & pain onslaught occurred within a couple of minutes - I have had enough - I cried for 1/2 hour - some days its just a little too much to handle. Within an hour & showered, cleaned up & got ready for my dinner party for 8 - I remind myself how far I have come to have 6 guests who know nothing of my past & accept me for the woman I am. Today does feel like just another day; Its been 12 months since my last lot of surgery - averaging a major op every 12 months for 3 years & this year is not looking any different. I hope Dr Ceber may be able to help as I must admit I am feeling worn out by everything at the moment. Please be a light at the end of the tunnel & please not be the on-coming train. Oh well 1 more month & hopefully some answers.

Last weekend was just so wonderful - Brisbane had a Medieval Festival. 30 clubs joined for 2 days of wonderful fun - & yes the best excuss a girl can have for dressing the part (great use for my old medieval wedding dress). Knihts were galant, the days were barmy & the fun was full on.

Saturday 27 July 2002

OK those of you who are looking for a happy ending please read on. Melbourne trip was really fun. We (ie a girlfriend of mine & myself) partied hard being away from our husbands - the Mornington Area near Melbourne was just so pretty and the shops wonderful. OK enough of the padding out - my trip to Dr Ceber!

The trip to Dr Ceber basically confirmed what Mr S & I already knew - I have problems with the join between the vagina and the outside world (Virgina Stenosis - which is very sensitive scaring) and the width is very tight - as for solutions he was unsure if anything could be done to help. The biggest possibility is the use of a hydraulic stent (a stent that remains in and is filled with saline - cost in Australian Dollars $800). So I am sorry to write no good news yet. On a positive Dr said he would write to my gyno & make some suggestions but with qualifications. I will think whether the pain of a maybe operation is worth it. At this point I am just having far too much fun in life to want to slow down. OK must move along - off horse riding today. Cheers for now

Tuesday 10 September 2002

Bad news - my gyno has gone out of business due to the health insurance debarcle here in Queensland. At this point I think I will stop & regroup. I am just so tired of this - no one seems to be willing or able to help me. A this point I really believe I have tried everything!

Sunday 3 November 2002

My pain levels have (I hope) peaked again a few weeks ago - to the point I have decided to see one more doctor on the Gold Coast. So tired of pain but still not giving up! I missed my nightly stretching on Friday - last night I expected to pay with a huge amount of pain - GOOD news very little discomfort - nice to win one occassionally! :)

I received an education on Friday night - went to Rocky Horror Show - its just amazing how many of my friends just love that movie - sing it verbatum. I guess they may be more amazed if they knew my history as well - oh well thats my secret. Anyway, the movie was fun & I felt in a small way I faced some of my demons from my past.

Was time warped myself today with an email I read - School for myself was not a happy time. Being a boys school well lets say - a horrible time. In the last 3 years of High School I left 3 times - must admit I would never want to go through that again. Its amazing how your identity can affect he rest of your life. It ceratinly affected my schoolling results & also where I ended up studying in future years - its only this year at 38 years of aged I feel I have erased the effects of that slow start. Any way as the song says "Go Baby Go" & there is no stopping me now!

Note to Ian - I wrote back - email bounced - please check your address.

Monday 4 November 2002

Amanda answers some questions.

If you dont mind, I would just like to ask a few more questions.

Feel free not to answer them.

1. Do you think that your sex is determined by society or is it determined by your biological structure?

I believe that its about 50% genetic & 50% environmental. If there is not a predisposed weakness in the genetic field then there no is environmental possibility of triggering it. Alternatively, there are cases were 100% environmental change has occurred & as there was no genetic weakness these persons struggled with the decision forced on them.

Other doctors I have talked to believe its a mental condition were the brain misses out on a crucial timing of a particluar hormorne. No one is really quiet sure though.

2. When did you feel you were really a women? Was it gradual, or was it > sudden?

Earliest recollection was at age 5. Guess I always knew I was different - but no one knew this but me - to all people around me, I was just normal guy, who played soccer, tennis etc. I guess the change occurred when I decided I could not live up to my mothers expectations - I knew I had to live my life for me - not other people around me - so I guess it was a gradual change which picked up momentum.

3. How do you regard and see yourself now, post-surgery?

These days I just get on with my life, yes its at the back of my mind, back thats something I can not change. None of my work mates know of the changes I have been though & that just makes it easier for me to fit in. You would be supprised how offen gender is part of every day conversations & jokes. So I guess I see myself as a very much happier person in life (view from inside out). A normal girl with a lot of great abilities.

4. Has this change in your physical structure greatly altered your perception of your mental self?

Well & truely - so so much happier in life. Self confidence is huge. I have stopped over correcting my appearance & settled into being a very normal looking girl who loves to have girl friends, do out door activities and travel. My wonderful husband looks after me & spoils me - life is just peachie keene.

Saturday 12 July 2003

Copy of email to an enquiry

Yes I did promise an update - I will do it now - Last December 2002 I went in for an exploritory. The results are it was confirmed as suffering vaginal stenosis - this is at the junction of the neo - vagina and tight opening maybe as a result of tight muscles. Cortisone was injected into the site - but to date this has had no beneficial effects. It is now a decision to have further surgery to correct, (which I am not keen on at this point) or try something like injecting botox to assist in relaxing the muscles in the area. (the later option would have to be fully funded by myself which promises nothing). So at this point I still dilate daily & I will see what another 6 months brings.

I wish you luck on your surgery & please take heart that from the 3 others people I know who are also Walker babies I am the only one with complications.

Sunday 20 July 2003

Oh boy am I tired - what a day - those who know me, know of my next 5 year plan - well the last few weeks the plan has commenced. I have been teaching myself on how to drive a bobcat and my husband & I have worked long & hard installing waste water distribution system on our land. I guess I have discovered within myself over the past 12 months that I do not wish to loose the skills of being handy simply as a result of the last few years - I am so lucky that my husband allows me to still get dirty & work beside him in the trenches so to speak. As a team we are unstopable! These days I feel I have the best life experience in the world - I am the person I know I should have been, but I also have so much more abilities as I know how the other half have lived.

Another wonderful happened this weekend - we arrived home late Sunday afternoon to find dinner cooked, a bottle of wine & muffins waiting for us. My wonderful sister (again those who know me, know this wonderful sole as my companion in life for the last 15 years who also has some writings on the home page) had decided to spoil us - Thanks L I am just so happy you are still part of my life today!

Tuesday 22 July 2003

What defines you?? - Over the last few years I have been determined to grow my hair - why you might ask? I am asking the same question - its harder to look after - "yes" its takes longer to dry - "yes" it tangles & generally needs more maintenance - "yes" and of course it makes you look like a female - now that I am not sure of??

Last week I decided to have my hair shortened considerably (some 5 inches off) - I struggled with the last comment of the previous paragraph for a long time - but I decided that I might have had the wrong thinking for years. Anyway the moral to the story is I love my short hair & the comments of how good it looks has been a great boost as well! So another interesting road it taken in life. And the bonuses well - exercise & my hectic life style which was becoming a drag has now become easier as washing my hair afterwards takes half the time. Cool - or is it I am now maturing in myself?? Time will tell!

Wednesday 23 July 2003

Saw a film last night called "Life or Something Like That". I gave it 2 out of 10. But like all films I tend to take something on my road of life from everything I watch. One Scene (the funniest in the whole film) involves Angelina Jolie's character reving up a crowd - was just so funny BUT it also said to me step outside your boundaries - can have unexpected results! AND the moral to the film, well that's simple - "live your life like this is your last day on earth" - I today feel a little more bright eyed & bushy tailed! So look out!

Sunday 11 August 2003

Councils!! - just when everything is proceeding smoothly in phase 1 of our building project - you find you need more paperwork!

OK everything is proceeding except for this small hic-up. I must admit I am feeling extremely tired - BUT happy with whats been achieved. The Shed arrives this week & with council delays, assembly by ourselves should start in 3 weeks! - Would be nice to finish the exterior by end of September. Interior will take a bit longer!

Monday 18 August 2003

Plumbers & Rain - arh! Well first the most amazing thing to report - it is possible to get paperwork through council in under 5 hours!! Especially when that person is going on holidays - Thank you Brisbane City Council!.

Now this weeks worry! Plumbers - On reporting the plumber could go ahead - he forgot to order the inspection for Friday. Well the rain came tumbling down on the weekend so it hasn't affected things much anyway! I noticed a glaring error in the plumbers work which was also fixed before the inspection. So how did the inspection go - exactly as planned as the council was involved - it failed. OK a little comical look at it! - so now I have a red faced plumber not saying too much & another inspection booked for Wednesday. On the positive side no bill yet either!

Friday 22 August 2003

Sometimes everything just goes off! The concretor bumped into the plumber on Wednesday - with a little suttle pressure - much was done & guess what - We have a brand new concret building slab as of 3.30pm today with the new colourbond shed arriving Tuesday. WOW that happened so quickly at the end! So next weekend - weather permitting - a shed will start its assembly! YIPPEEE!!

Friday 29 August 2003

Been an extremely long week - my adopted mum - a lady who has done just so much for the TS community in Brisbane was admitted to hospital for 5 broken ribs - I have been visiting nightly & I really feel I have been burning the candle at both ends - very tired. Get well soon mum!

Sunday 31 August 2003

Wow that weekend was just so full on. Friday was spent out on the town with the girls, not much of interest to report there, few pubs / night spots, then the casino - small win (up $35) not as much as last time ($150) but I realy was not in the mood to gamble.

Small hangover & up to the block - 11.30am work begins - by 5pm one end & 2 supporting panels up - doesn't sound much but this is our first major construction work project!

Sunday 8pm - after rain, sun, and alot of puffing & blowing the frame was completed. 2 of the 3 rafters are up thanks to my sister & boyfriend - will start sheeting the sides & the roof next week! :)) S & I are just so tired - but happy - 1 to 2 more weekends - weather permitting - the shed will be up - all 108 square metres of it!

Sunday 14 September 2003

Did I Say 1 or 2 weekends? - OK one must set themself a goal to achieve - this weekend the roof went on. Just alot of tiding up doors, gutters & trim to finish it. Also have decided that I may not update this web site again when the counter stikes 100,000 - My goals & direction in life has changed & I feel I am getting to many reminders of times past while I have this site. Will make my mind up soon - counter currently 96,000 - not a bad effort in reaching a few people with another story on life.

Saturday 29 Febuary 2004

In response to an email on how I am going I give this open reply. Life is good, work is enjoyable, everything is peachie keene. Yes I am still dilating 30 minutes a day, 7 days a week, the pain is certainly still present. My virginal stenosis remains unchanged. Finding someone to assist in its treatment I have given up on. So I am just getting on with it, enjoying being me at peace with myself!

Monday 8 March 2004

Sometimes in life when your standing in a room full of people you can still feel totally alone. Today I feel like this. This week a lady here in Australia, Mianne Bagger made golfing history being the first transexual to play in the Australian Womens Golf Open. I must admit I admire her greatly, enough self confidence to stand tall & change the world a little for the better. She is doing something she enjoys - an action I would like to try BUT as I have chosen to live a life of stealth, I know it is NOT possible for me as I do NOT wish to be the tall poppy. I miss the company, interaction & the support of other TS people who are have made the change and now have resumed a successfull life, my experience is something I simply can NOT discuss even with my closest girlfriends (even if I told them my history) as they have not been through it. So to Mianne Bagger - congratulations, you are a true hero to me. Thankyou.

Sunday 4 April 2004

The last 3 years job wise have been yuk - not enjoying your job can be quiet destructive - for me 10kg destructive. 3 months ago I took a new job - 1 girl amongst 7 guys. Besides missing the time when you can confide with a fellow girl-friend/s "just things"! I am just in a state on total HAPPINESS! - in the past 3 months I have dropped 8 kgs - only 2kgs to go. I am back exercising - planning a trip to South Africa - look out world!

Wednesday 28 April 2004

Woopie - 10 kgs gone, lost , put away! Yahoo!

Sunday 18 July April 2004

5kgs more gone. Oh do I feel better now! Today I would like to mention 2 things. A little boy who we will call "B". Through a series of events I met "B" & his mother & it turns out "B" has liver cancer - not yet at school age & facing terrible questions over his life ahead. What a soberng experience I a lesson is appreciating what you yourself have in life.

The 2nd is Mianne Bagger - previously mentioned here. After keeping an eye on her web page - I am just so amazed what she is doing! She is a trail blazer & an admirable role model. Keep it up Mianne!

South Africa is off this year - but I am now thinking of some alternatives including a diving trip somewhere! More news soon.

Tuesday 9 November 2004

Life is good - although after my holiday getting back into dilation has been painful.

Tuesday 9 November 2004

Credit due to "Handi" for the following:

Society is uncomfortable with any "thing" or situation that cannot be stamped with a label. And we are all a part of that society.

Everything and everyone has a color, a shape, a model number, a brand, etc. It's human nature.

Our danger is in labeling ourselves, and those within our limited sphere. When we do that, we fall into the trap from which we would escape. We become an extension of "them".

It is a "sisterhood" and that is the strongest point.

Some are "better" than others, falling into the trap of being judged the most "passable" by men. That is the weakest point.

"Passing" is not happiness. This is not a contest. Living free is happiness. Free to embrace the inner self. Free to choose those things which lead to the enrichment of our life experience.

Gender is certainly not a "choice", but rather a state of mind and the blueprint of the heart. Gender is written in stone and no amount of surgery or hormones will change that fact.

For that simple reason, gender is a matter of freedom. For that reason, labels are useless and constricting. Sisterhood and support are the twin stairways to inner peace and self-enrichment.

I support you, my sisters. I will never label you, regardless of how you came to be, or how far you plan to go.

Saturday 3rd June 2005

Wow I can hardly believe its been 7 months since I gave this diary some attention. Well "whats new I hear you say?" Good question.

a few weeks ago we did an awesome trip to the north end of the south island of New Zealand. Landing at Christchurch - (OK those that know me know how much I just adore the South Island) its was into a hire 4WD & off to the back roads. Travelling up the east coast above Christchurch is just jaw dropping. The main road winds along the coast with the country's main rail line. In places there are only a few metres between the mountains & the ocean. Eye candy - well & truely - well to this photographer yes well & truely. Our camera I think worked harest of all - something like 100 photos a day for 10 days. Are but what are the high lites??

I guess for me 3 things: The ocean roads, the easy access (relatively) to some of the country's wild life & most definiately, the glaciers. The roads in New Zealand reminds me of how Australia was 20 years ago before it has slowly crept to being one of the most highly over regulated countries in the world. Big statement I know! Standing on my soap box for a moment. Even though it has been necessary in Australia to preserve some things by cutting off & restricting access (to ensure it is there for our children enjoyment - BUT will our children be allowed to see it or will it become just something that a few film crews are allowed to access & show on public tv!

OK off soap box again! :) New Zealand is a extremely beautiful part of the world and really serves to remind how creation is incredible. Except I hear said "how those dam Aussies introduced the Australian cain toad" to it the possum! A shame but true. Any way where were we? Thats right my favourite 3 things! Westport - the seals! - just so so gorgeous, baby seals (ok technical term cubs) & there parents going about there lives oblivious to their suroundings - just simply a very special thing to witness.

Then there is the glaciers! - ONE WORD! absolutely incredible! OK thats 2 words! I had to splurge on it. The colours, tectures, patterns & beauty can not be decribed in written word. They just take the breath away! The sunlight reflecting from the ice crystals & disecting the colour spectrum with the effect of melting water & gentle cold cutting breaths of wind! They will live with me to my grave! The world is a wonderful place!

The 3rd thing - the country's innocence!

OK so changing speed again - tonight is going to be fun! We have a place here called Jupiters Casino - they have a show which myself & 4 girlfirends have lost our better halves & are busting loose for an evening! Look out Gold Coast!

OK so what's been happening with me? I am still travelling that roller coaster called life & in some ways I have become even more settled with my choices in life. Everything is good. My mind is so settled & happy with the ceasefire in that battlefield of who I am. Peace has ceratinly been declared. The 5 years project of building our house. Very close now. Plans are finalised, capital raised, builder organised.

Wednesday 8 June 2005

Small years from born the earth I viewed.
So big wide and new.
The unknown and undiscovered so vast
As I step upon the ground.
The years move on, they stand not still
My understanding grows.
Abnormal, strange I can not show for reason I can not give
It festers, blisters and finally blows
Consequences a bounded sadness
Again, reworking, understanding growing
Festers blooming to petals proud
Results in older, wiser, traveled roads with
positivity and resolve.

STEALTH! TO BE OR NOT TO BE!

A perfect example of why I decided to do my transformation via stealth today. I have a photo from a great girls weekend on my desk at work. Of course the guys have to check us all out! Hey A is that a guy in the front row they ask me. No that is a girlfriend of mine - admittitively yes she does look a little mascline. Well the guys are are making jokes about him / her. One also told me how horrible the "one" he met on the town one night. I always play dum which sometimes I fell a little hypicrital by doing so - but its a self preservation thing. I am just glad they don't suspect me!

Monday 4 July 2005

Am I crazy?? The frustration of pain, some bleeding down below has finially got to me! A few weeks ago I wrote to 8 doctors to see what may be possible to do. End result - Wednesday I have decided to go to Melbourne for some more surgery to get right! Now to say I am scared - UNDERSTATEMENT!! To say I hold hope this will fix it - well if we can't live life with hope & dreams then you are probably dead! OK stay tuned or further updates & hang on gang - cause here goes that roller coaster again!

Saturday 16 July 2005

Hi All - Well Melbourne was a blast. The shops are so awesome & the food was just great! On the medical front - be there & processed - must admit I could feel myself about to panic as I saw the inside of the operating theatre - but fortunately I wasn't awake long enough to become to uptight. So the out come??

The tight pressure arround the vagina have bas been reduced through 4 insisions - the most amazing fact is I have felt NO PAIN. Well have been dilating 4 times a day for the past 7 days & the area is now becoming itching which says the healing is starting. Will not know the outcome for 8 to 10 week until the swelling goes. But the initial indications are positve.

Sunday 11 September 2005

I see looking back close to 3 months have past since my last update. Slack me!! OK so what happened since Melbourne - well at 6 weeks I to get a doctor to look at the site & inject so more quarterzone to try & soffen the scare. OK Let me set the scene - found a lady Gyno close by in the phone book. Made an appointment & in a went with my request. One thing I have always been midful about is the descrimination TS people face - especially the ones not living stealth. So my first question to her was "Before I waste any of our valuable time - do you have any ethical problems with treating a patient with Benjamin Syndrome? That always sparks their curiousity! Any way after picking up her jaw from the table she told me there would be no problem. Inspection of the site went well with her (ie the doctor) confirming what I already knew - the asectics of the op were great. As we talk, Dr inspected internally - but again the tenderness was still there. BUT is is certainly not as tight.

I personally feel I have grown exponentially in the last few years and I am excited for my new life with my fiance, friends and family. I must admit that without their support my journey would not have been so easy or trouble free. Confidence is also a major key to any ones' success. With confidence you make your own luck and you can choose your own destiny.

My hope is that my writings assist you in your choosing your destiny and I hope you also find that you have inside you the most beautiful person in the world! Know that your journey to self-discovery will be as individual as you are and it should be enjoyed and viewed as a growing experience.

Good luck