I would not presume to understand Amanda's thoughts on the lead up to this operation. I could only say that many months of planning and self sacrifice were needed to make this possible.

There have been a number of stressful factors leading up to this operation. Listed as follows:

• Amanda's mother who was totally opposed to the operation, suffered a breakdown almost two weeks prior to our departure and came to stay with us until the end.
• My own mother who is nearly blind and suffers unstable Angina, had to be told that I was leaving her for two weeks.
• My partner, who has a May deadline for complete the first draft of his PhD thesis has to be asked to take care of her and our pets. Two troublesome cats and too many fish. No to mention my large plant collection.
• Amanda's partner also had a difficult lead up to this operation. He patiently supported Amanda through months of "budget" restrictions and many of Amanda's and my own ups and downs over recent times.
• Amanda had a few extra appointments in the last few weeks. A series of vitamin shots and blood collection. Amanda was also suffering the effects not taking hormones.
• There were other considerations: our jobs. One week before we left I had to move out of my office and from my new shared office accommodation, I could feel the wall and floor moving with the demolition of most of the rooms around me. The Professor I work for was not impressed to be loosing his "right" hand for two weeks and seemed to tell everyone he could about his plight.
• Amanda's work also had its pressures. Her boss was very supportive of her situation, which has been a relief. Amanda also spent a large amount of time studying for her final post graduate exam. Amanda sat for the exam one day before we left for New Zealand.

It was hard to imagine how and why so much would happen in such a short space of time.

Amanda's mother left to return back to Inverell. Amanda and I left for work as usual. The demolition in my office building was under full swing. A dumb waiter was removed and the noise unbearable. Lunch with my co-workers in the Alumni Garden. Amanda has her final electrolyse session. Our house looked like it has not been the scene of some disaster.

I left work at 4pm and headed for the shopping centre. I needed to buy stores of food for my mother and my cats. Her medications also needed to be collected. Ian needed to be taught how to look after her. She seemed reasonable about the whole thing but this did not come without a price. Ian arrived about 6.30pm with a new jacket for me. He somehow locked my keys in my car. All too much!

My fiance (Mr I) and I returned to my home to find Amanda and Mr S home. Amanda is disturbed by a phone call. It don't make sense - internet chat line, her mum's church (cult), trying to talk Amanda out of her operation - foreign accent - no name and - who is this person. Confusion. Amanda's mother also phones.

Amanda and I had to pack our trip. Amanda is upset and Mr S can fix it. I am going crazy - Mr I is in my room while I am trying to pack - pack what! Think - cats confusion.

Somehow I packed things - and left my place for mum's place. Could not finish packing because I had brought things for our trip and they were in the back of my car.

Feelings - no such words. It was now raining and I spent the night at Mr I's. I phoned Amanda's mother firstly and then ate something. I could not rest at all.

Out of bed at 5.00am, showered and back home by 5.30am. Goodbyes and Mr S drove us through thick traffic. Three suitcases in the back. It is still raining and cold.

At the International Airport Mr S and I have coffee. There is no peace between the three of us. Time pasted and soon Amanda and I where taking our seat on the plane. The aircraft seemed very small to us. After about 3 hours or so we landed in Christchurch. Customs were unfriendly and then straight out into the cold afternoon. A shuttle took us to our backpackers "Sharlom" on Bealey Street. The weather was deteriorating quickly. The coloured leaves on the trees and ground was striking.

We decided to go shopping just before it got too late. Lots of seagulls in the City Square. It was important to get a chip for the mobile phone so that we could communicate with home. We walked down town to the centre of the city. Our last dinner together was at Burger King. We ring my mum, Amanda's mum and Mr S.

As tired as we were neither of us slept a great deal. After a small breakfast we left for business down. First was a visit to the bowel surgeon. My shoes were hurting and we found a warehouse distributor who sold great cheap shoes. We bought two pairs each and a jumper. Our jumpers were the same only different colours. Amanda found me a vegi pie - I hated eating in front of her. After a change of shoes, we headed for the banks. We had to pay the doctors and the hospital. Amanda's mother rings at a bad time and requests Amanda changes her mind. I don't know what to say any more.

We had a great afternoon as we visited Lytteton Harbour. We caught a city bus out of town and after 20 minutes we were making our way around this little harbour side town. Lytteton is a major port of Christchurch. The surrounding beauty of the little village is breath taking. Amanda and I walked around the streets before making a hasty return back to town.

We were getting mixed messages from the doctor on whether on not Amanda should eat today or if she should go into hospital. The bowel surgeon said it was not necessary but when we finally met us with Mr Walker he wanted Amanda in the hospital that night. Amanda has not eaten anything since breakfast. About 7pm Amanda was admitted to the Southern Cross Hospital. We forgot the receipt for our payment. I run back to the backpackers while Amanda completes her admittance form. We were shown Room 114. It is rather pleasant and has its own bathroom and Sky TV. Mr S had sent a huge bunch of flowers that greeted us. The bowel cleaning treatment had began. I left Amanda in high spirits and left the hospital about 8.30pm. The night was cold and a thick fog hung over the city. Three lanes of traffic raced past me as I raced down to the "Sharlom" as fast as I could.

In the door and I felt numb. I went into the kitchen for a slice of cheese and a cold beer. I met Kevin. One of my house mates. He was old and had more problems then I wanted to think about. I prayed we would not meet again. Back in our room I realised I was alone. Amanda's things lay around the room but there was no Amanda. The shoes and jumper she had purchased lay in their bags unopened. I felt awful. Feeling I wanted to cry I phoned Mr S and Amanda's mother. My legs are tired.

I was awake before the sun. I showered and gave the kitchen a miss in case I met up with Kevin again. At the hospital, 9am I found Amanda looking a little tired. The bowel cleaning procedure was still happening big time. It made me feel uneasy. Amanda seemed nervous but confident in her decision. Mr S calls to say "good luck" - he sounds upset. We take off nail polish. Amanda and I continued to talk normally until about 1.00pm. The last half hour was painful - nurses running in and out with surgical gown, stockings and taking Amanda's blood pressure. I ask Amanda for her jewellery. I tired to keep calm. No doctors appeared that morning, even though we were expecting to see at least one. Just after 1.30pm Amanda was taken off to the theatre, still laughing at this stage. After saying my prayers there was nothing else I could do but wait.

She later tells me that once in theatre, she was asked to curl up in a little ball while the epidural was injected into her spine. Amanda remembers being very frightened and crying. A technician comforted her briefly before gas was given that rendered her unconscious. Surgery did not start until 2pm.

I left the hospital and call Mr S. I get the answer machine - I leave a message. I felt sick and eat the apple from my bag. The wait in my backpack seemed heavy now I was carrying round all our cameras etc.

I head down town with a mission. I wanted to get a present for Amanda when she got back to her room. I went to a store called "Not just Bears". After solving the need to find a present - I next found myself in the Roman Catholic Cathedral in the City Square. Well set up for tourists, I walked in side the entrance and through to the main part of the cathedral. I walked around for a few minutes - a guide approached me and gave me a phamplet on his church. I burst into tears - nothing could stop it. I went over to the place where one can light a candle and bring a soul before God. Soon one little candle burned for Amanda as she lay upon the operating table. A book store was next on my wonderings. Shopkeepers ask if they can do anything for me. Nothing seemed real.

I wondered further to find flowers and then back to the hospital. Amanda's room had no bed in it. I put my flowers and a teddy bear called Daisy next to Mr S's flowers.

About 6pm I was getting very stressed. I asked if Amanda was in Recovery but the nurses said she was still in the theatre.

I went back to the backpackers for a few bits and pieces Amanda needed and returned to the hospital around 7.30pm. Still no word. At 8pm - I was sitting in the main foyer of the hospital. I saw one of Amanda's surgeons (the bowel surgeon) walk pass me. He looked happy and was talking to a colleague. I wanted to say something but he had company. I could feel Amanda's mother and Mr S - what was happening? I figured that Amanda would be in recovery by now and I would sit outside the entrance where patients were returned to their ward. A number of patients came through, I checked each one.

By 8.30pm I was very stressed. Mr Walker suddenly appeared from no where - he told me that the operation was a great success and Amanda should be out of Recovery by 9.30pm. By 9.45pm, still no Amanda. I ring Mr S from outside the hospital. I returned and beg for an answer.

After a phone call, I was being lead by a nurse up to recovery. Finally, Amanda is awake and looking a bit out of it. She demands ice to be fed to her. Her eyes are bright and she can talk to me. I soon learn the reason for Amanda's extended stay in Recovery. A monitor behind Amanda's bed indicated her blood pressure was very low. Nurses check for bleeding and vital signs. They place ice packs on her body to see what she can or can not feel. I am pleased but concerned. Amanda's first unit of blood is now being dripped into her veins. Another problem, the pain killers are not working. The epidural is not working on her right side. Amanda is happy the whole thing is over.

I leave Amanda in a stable condition about 11.15pm. I ran back to the backpackers in a thick fog. I call Amanda's mother and Mr S. I collapse.

Amanda did not leave Recovery until around 1am Saturday morning.

The doctor responsible for pain relief was in for a rough night.

I am awake early and get to the hospital by 9am. I can't see her because her room is filled with doctors and nurses. I have a bad feeling things are not good. At 10am I finally get to see Amanda. She is in bad pain because the epidural is not working at all. Her legs are moving and the surgical stockings remain on. The blood pressure problem is a bit better but no great. The bowel surgeon pops in also - he is happy with results. Drains, air bags around her legs, monitors - more nurses to change dressings. I leave.

I walked around town for a few hours but Christchurch is dead on weekends. It is cold and I wanted to return to Amanda. She is now in agony and nothing was working. A morphine drip is set up, still no joy. Amanda's face now reflects the pain she feels, her eyes are red and sore. I feel sick and I talk to Mr S. Amanda's wrist and arms are sore and bruised.

Julie's flowers arrive - beautiful pink arrangement.

I go for coffee and by 5pm Amanda has had about 18mg of morphine and was getting very tired. They inject antibiotics and fluids and the nurses now seem concerned about something else. Amanda was bleeding in excess. A nurse brings me left over lunch at 6.30pm.

I left depressed and rang Mr S about 9.30pm. Mr Walker returned to the hospital at 4am to attend to Amanda's bleeding problem.

I was greeted by a happy patient. Tired but her bleeding problem and pain was now under control. I feel better too. Amanda is able to clean her teeth. Amanda's mother called and mother and daughter had a good talk. Amanda wants icy poles.

By 11am Amanda is tired and she eats a few mouth fulls of jelly and ice cream for lunch. Nurses are still worried about Amanda's blood pressure and give her the other unit of her blood. A morphine drip is in place and Amanda feeds herself the medicine. It seems to have little affect.

By 6.30pm Amanda is off morphine altogether. She is sore all over and so tired. She eats scrambled eggs for dinner. I left at 8.30pm. Amanda is watching a movie when I leave her about 8.30pm.

The doctors visit and all drips are removed. Amanda complains about the pains in her arms. Two blood samples are taken every day to monitor body function. The doctor orders that Amanda's drain can be removed. I sit outside her room and hear the pain this causes her. The nurses try in vain to find something to stop Amanda feelling sick. Nothing works. This nausea is due to strong antibiotics and morphine. Amanda spends all day trying to be sick or bringing up wind. Vomiting and diarrhoea are bad. Amanda will not speak to Mr S.

It is decided around 4pm by the doctors to insert an IV drip to re-hydrate Amanda. Feeling totally hopeless, I leave around 9pm.

More nightmares and no improvement as far as I could see. Amanda looked like she was dying. No sleep or food for days was taking its toll on her body. Re-hydration continues and Amanda is still too weak to speak very much. She was able to shower on her own and move very freely.

Mr Walker arrived to remove the packing from Amanda's body. Amanda tells me that this was very painful.

I left the hospital mid morning to walk around town. That seemed to help my stress levels.

By the afternoon, I could see a little improvement but nothing to get excited about. She is now desperately tired and weak. I watch her sleep and she suddenly jumps three inches off the bed. (she dreams of a tunnel collapsing.) Dinner is served - cottage pie and Amanda eats two mouth fulls and asks for lemonade. Mr Walker visited for the second time today and said that this recovery process would just take time. He explained that because the epidural did not work and extra morphine and to be given and now Amanda had to detox. I left the hospital about 9pm, Amanda was going to the bathroom every 10 - 15 minutes. There was nothing anyone could do for Amanda. We see less of the nurses.

I learn Amanda had no breakfast this morning. The re-hydration drip is removed also. Mr S called and Amanda could speak to him. Amanda has a shower - I notice a large bruise around her torso. Getting up is a drama taking various drips, tubes and catheter bag with you.

Leaving Amanda to sleep wondered off to the Botanical Gardens (coloured leaves, great conifers and there were ducks everywhere), the Art Gallery (good early European and early new Zealand Collection.) and then the Museum (FK Holden, Antarctic display, meteors, shopping village, ships past and present, Task the Mummy, antic furnisher).

I arrived back to find Amanda talking to her friend Julie. Amanda wants to leave the hospital on Thursday. Amanda has a visit from the theatre assistant that comforted her before surgery. She seems teary as she thanked him again for his kindness.

I headed down to Burger King to fetch Miss Amanda one large thick shake and small fries. I see hope the end of the rainbow. Amanda is most unhappy with her hospital food. She also eats half a ham sandwich.

I could not face going back to Sharom Backpackers another day and arrange for a room at the Avenue Lodge for Thursday night. I go back to the backpackers and collect as many bags as I can and head back to the hospital. Amanda puts her jewellery back on and we go for a walk around the ward.

I woke about 5am and was up by 6.30am. By 7.30am I was taking my first load up to the hospital and returned to the backpackers for the last of my things. Amanda seemed sleepy and uninterested in my activities. I got coffee and sat and read for two hours or so. I felt tired and besides I could not get into the hotel room before 12pm.

Once the room was ready I started to take our belongings over to the hotel. I also picked up some lunch for Amanda. Amanda was waiting for the doctor's ok to leave the hospital. Then I was off to the shopping centre for supplies. I just got back to the hotel with four shopping bags and a backpack full of goodies. I then ran back to the hospital to find out what was happening with Amanda. Mr Walker arrived in about 5.30pm and gave the all clear. We paid the rest of the account at the hospital and Amanda and I walked up the street to the hotel. The nightmare was over.

The rest of the night flew. Telephone calls, cooking dinner and washing. We passed out about 8.30pm. Nothing on TV.

I had a great sleep and the muscles in my body seemed back in the right places. Amanda is tired but in good spirits. I believe she is still extremely weak and needs building up. I go shopping for meat and vegetables. More milk for milkshakes.

We sleep in a bit more today. Amanda washes her hair. It is a nice day outside and we go for a walk after lunch. Amanda walks around a whole block. A big effort! She is tired on her return to the hotel. More awful Sky TV. I go shopping and we have a good dinner.

We both shower and change but Amanda returns to bed. She is has pain in the lowered stomach. Mr S calls and seems happy. We talk about how Amanda will need to rethink her life style to allow her body to heal other the next few months.

I would like to note the assistance and help of of many people who I would like to thank:

• The people who supported me enough during this difficult time.
• For Amanda being a good patient!
• The doctors who made many trips (some during the night) to visit Amanda.
• Endless phone calls the nurses made to them.
• The nurses themselves who got involved with our case.