So Desperate, I Called Tracy So Desperate, I Called Tracy
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After Larry left, Ally was seriously considering going on a roadtrip to Foxboro...
Ally: Renee, do you think I should go to see Dr. Tracey. I mean, this is the woman who told me to give up on Billy. Renee: She was also the woman that predicted that one day it would be a womans world. If it's a woman's world you should go chase after Larry! Ally: God damn it, Renee, why do you always have to have a good point. Renee: I'm a lawyer. Last time I checked that was a lawyer's job. Ally: Insult number 1...come on you can hit me with number 2... Renee: No insults, just a phone number you can use. 411...think you can remember it? Ally: Funny...no insults...right. (Dials 411) Recording: What city and state? Ally: Fox...bo...ro...Mass...Massachusetts. Recording: Thank you, an operator will be with you shortly! Operator: What listing? Ally: Oh err um Doctor Tracy Clark. Operator: Okay, hold while I connect your call. Tracy's voice (recording): Hello, this is Dr. Tracy, mental health extraordinaire. If you're nuts press one, if you're in need of a new theme song press two, and if you just said something naive press 3. Ally: Well, i guess out of the three I am catagorized as nuts...I feel so um...honored. (Presses 1) Tracy's voice (recording): Thank you for being nuts. You people really heat my pool! Tracy will pick up momentarily if not in a session. Tracy: Hello Ally. Ally: How'd you know it's me? Tracy: Look behind you. Ally: RENEE!!! Tracy: I already know what happened, John called me. Did you try the theme song? Ally: Tracy, this calls for more than some theme song. I think I actually need REAL therapy like, ya know, with a REAL therapist…so I guess you don't qualify... Tracey: The pips didn't work either? Ally: NO THE PIPS DIDNT WORK! I really don't appreciate you moving without telling me. I mean, it's all your fault that I even met Larry! Tracey: Yeah, okay, whatever Ally. Just come over to my office this weekend, I'll hook you up with a place to stay. Ally: FINE!
Ally drives to Foxboro...she proceeds into Tracey's office. Tracey: What's going on... Ally: Well, I met Larry Paul. I loved him, he loved me. He left, he came back. He left. Now he's in Detroit. Tracey: Go to Detroit. Ally: I drove all the way over here for you to tell me to drive even further? Tracey: I'll come with you. I enjoy road trips with the sanity challenged. Ally: Well...work? Tracey: Well I don't know about you but my nuts can wait a little while before they commit suicide...unless you have a case? Ally: No, I don't have a case but I really... Tracey: Splendid then. I'll go pack my things. You'll feel better when you "confront the demon" anyways. Ally: Tracy…um…last time you told me to confront my demons I ended up kicking a 9 year old midget prodigy that I thought was the dancing baby and-and I just don't think that seeing Larry right now is a very good IDEA!! Tracey: Ally, number one; Who knew the baby was real? Number two; I'm making you see Larry. Number 3; Well, I don't have a number three but everything sounds better in threes, right? Ally: TRACY, I'M NOT GOING TO DETROIT!!!
In the car... Ally: I can't believe I'm doing this…I can't believe I'm doing this…actually I believe I'm doing this but I don't believe that I'm actually letting Tracy drive…something isn't right about letting her drive…I feel it… Tracey: Let's put on a tape, shall we? Ally: Fine. Tracey: Ahh, my favorite. ("Tracy" by the Cufflinks starts to play) Ally: You have to be kidding me. Tracey: (sings along) Ba ba ba ba ba. UH UH UH UH. Tracy, when I'm with you something you do, bounces me off the ceiling. Ally: Tracy, you do realize you're gonna get us killed…and-and I didn't really want to die this way…Tracy…Damn it, Tracy, slow down… Tracey: DON'TTTT SAY NO!!! Ally: You're gonna get us in an accident! Tracey: Hold me close, Tracey, never let me goooooooooooooooo!!!!!!! Ally: NOOOOOO!!!! (Tires screech...hit a stop sign.) Ally: OH MY G-D! ARE YOU OK? Tracey: (Laughs with laughing track) Yes. You can be so stupid and my own laughter just doesn't suffice, but you knew that. Ally: Great...just what I need to add on to my already not stable mental health; a sarcastic therapist, an incredibly stupid yet catchy song, and a car accident. Tracey: The car's okay...Ally get out of the car. (Ally steps out) Now I want you to raise your left knee and make noises like a cow. (Ally proceeds) Ally: The first time I met you, you had made me do this. Tracey: Well that time I did it so I could see if you trusted me. Ally: Why'd you do it this time? Tracey: It's a cheap laugh. Ally: Maybe I should drive... Tracey: Are you kidding me? I don't trust nuts with my car. (Which is why you shouldn't be driving.)
In Detroit in front of Larry's house... Tracey: Okay, you stay in the car. I'll talk to him first. Ally: If you think you are getting me even remotely close to that man... Tracey: No, of course not Ally. I drove you all the way here because Detroit is so lovely in winter. Get out of the car, what do you think was my objective by getting you here? I skipped classes in med school, I admit, but this you have to fix. (Tracey approaches door. Larry's home!) Tracey: I'm looking for a Mr. Larry Paul. Larry: Yes. That's me. Hey aren't you... Tracey: Yes, Dr. Tracy Clark. You know...ALLY'S therapist. Larry: Er..um...Ally? You mean um Ally um McBeal??? Tracey: No, that other Ally that you left after a beautiful relationship for no ethical reason...YES ALLY MCBEAL. She's in the red car with the huge dent in it. Larry: That one over there...Ally McBeal is in that car over there. Tracey: No moron, the other red car with the dent in it...YES THAT ONE! Larry: Your sarcasm ceases to amuse me. Tracey: Yeah, okay whatever. Get in the car and don't say a word. Get me a map showing wear your nearest library is.
In the car... Tracey: Okay, the deal is no talking until we get to the library. You musn't speak until we get there. You need the silence. Ally: I don't understand how we're going to solve our problems by not speaking…I knew I should've gotten a REAL therapist…It's all John's fault…Who am I kidding? I'm babbling about how much I hate Tracy mean while I'm sitting in a car with the man that I love, the man that left me for no apparent reason, the man who I love but I probably should hate…and this makes me happy…what is wrong with this picture? Larry: I can't believe I am in the car with the woman I love, the woman I left for no apparent reason, the woman I love but I probably should hate…and this makes me happy…what is wrong with this picture? Tracy: We're here. Hop out. We'll find a table…
In the library… Tracy: You may speak… Ally: Uh…hey… Larry: Uh…hey… Tracy: Well I feel the love, don't you? I said "speak" not "sit hear and mumble words that have no meaning." Ally: How are you? Tracy: I can see this conversation progressing…basically, Larry, you broke her heart and she's going back to her erratic ways because of it-which is good for me- more money and all-but that's off the topic. Larry, explain why you left. Larry: I don't know… Tracy: See, Ally, doesn't it make sense now. He left because he doesn't…wait a minute! I've heard some extremely insane things in my life but that tops it! You're a cracker, but that's why you're here, and I am going to fix you. Larry: I don't know why I left…I was afraid of strike three but thinking back, I loved Ally more than anyone in the past…I don't know why I left. Ally: I came all the way down here to hear that you have no reasoning for leaving me…well I feel MUCH BETTER NOW…(stands and proceeds to the door) Tracy: Ally! SIT!!! Ally: No, I'm not going to sit like one of your nut patients…I AM NOT CRAZY! I AM NOT MENTALLY DISTURBED! HE IS! Librarian: Please be quiet, this is a library. Tracy: True, Larry, you should book an appointment…but this conversation isn't getting too far. Larry: I probably should have told you face to face… Ally: Yeah, well, that might've been better than LEAVING A NOTE WITH ELAINE, OF WHICH I NEVER DID READ!!!!! Librarian: Please be quiet, this is a library. Larry: Wait, you never read it? Ally: No, I knew exactly what it said. Librarian: Please be quiet, this is a library. Larry: Apparently you didn't…Ally, I didn't want to leave you…I thought we needed a little separation and it said on the note that you should call me when you feel clear minded again. You really didn't read the letter? Ally: Well-er-um-no… Tracy: See, this is what happens when you act like a smart a**, Ally! Larry: And Elaine, that chatterbox, the biggest gossip queen of Boston DIDN'T TELL YOU WHAT IT SAID? Librarian: Please be quiet, this is a library. Ally: No…I guess she never read it…uh…sorry…? Larry: What should we do, I mean, when you didn't call I figured we were over. I gained custody of my son again so I can't very well leave him now… Ally: Bring him to BOSTON! Librarian: Please be quiet, this is a library!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ally and Larry: Did you say something mam? (Librarian walks away) Tracy: I'm seeing progress. Come on , Larry, bring him to Boston! Larry: I could… Tracy: I strongly suggest you do otherwise you're going to get Ally committed… Ally: I heard that! Larry: I'm going back to Boston…I'm going back to Boston…
Larry: Well, yeah…I guess… Tracy: Excellent! Does this mean we can go home now because I just got a message on my cell that says that one of my patients is about to commit suicide. Ally: I thought you didn't care about other people? Tracy: I don't but I don't want to be sued, especially if that would include hiring one of my nutcases. (You.) Ally: One problem about going back…I don't really think the car can make it… Larry: I think you're forgetting something Ally? Tracy: You must excuse the girl. She doesn't think too much. Ally, Larry has a car! Ally: Oh. Right. (Laughs with embarrassment)
Back at Larry's house… Larry: I don't know how I'm going to explain to Sam that he's moving to Boston. It is kind of short notice. Ally: Tracy, you're the therapist. How should we break the news to him? Tracy: It's quite simple. You say something like "Pack your things little child. We're moving to Boston." You can't be more straightforward than that. Ally: That kind of thing could traumatize him! Tracy: Do I strike you as the kind of person who would care? Ally: YOU DON'T STRIKE ME AS A PERSON AT ALL! YOU DON'T HAVE A HEART OR A BRAIN! (Tracy and Ally get into a heated fight…bicker, bicker, bicker…you know, one of those fighting scenes where you can't understand what any of the characters are saying. David E. Kelley does that a lot…) Larry: QUIET!!!!!! I think I should handle this. I can break it to him nicely, calmly, and carefully… Tracy: I'm telling you Larry! That won't work. You gotta be straight forward, you know? Something like, "Pack your bags kid. Daddy's more in love with Ally than he is with you so he's ruining your life by making you move to Boston!" Now that's the way to talk to a kid! Ally: Please tell me you're not going to have children… Tracy: I plan to. And I'll be mother of the year with my strategy. You people make me sick, all touchy feely… Ally and Larry: Sighs… Larry: I'll get Sam.
At Sam's door… Larry: (Knocks). Hey kid-o! Sam: DADDY! (Hugs) Larry: I have a surprise for you downstairs. Sam: Is it a train? Larry: Nope. Sam: Is it a video game? Larry: Nope. Much, MUCH better! Sam: Um…I don't know! WHAT IS IT! Larry: Come downstairs with me. Back downstairs… Sam: Oh my goodness! ALLY! AND ANOTHER LADY WITH A BIG NOSE! JUST WHAT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED DADDY! Tracy: Juveniles…tisk, tisk, tisk… Ally: Hey, Sammie! Larry: Sam, how would you like to move to Boston? Sam: Can I bring my teddy bear and all of my toys? Larry: Of course. Sam: Sure! Ally: Um, Larry…You forgot one thing… Larry: What is it sweetheart? Ally: His mother! Larry: Can I speak to you for a minute…alone… Tracy: Yeah, come on child. Larry and Ally need to talk alone…come on little thing… Sam: Help… Larry: Ally, his mother's gone. She moved to Canada as she originally planned. She's totally out of the picture. Ally: Oh. Well, I-I guess that we can go then… Larry: We'll pack our things.
The car…30 minutes till Boston! Tracy: If I have to sit near this god forsaken kid for another second…Larry, you raised this kid terribly. He's all lovey duvey…eww get the heck off me! DON'T YOU DARE GIVE ME A HUG! Sam: I like this woman. She's funny! Larry: Come on Tracy, look on the bright side. Only a couple miles until home…do you think you can hold in your anger? Tracy: Just get this little thing off me… Ally: Hang on you stubborn little witch. We're almost there… Larry: Ally? Ally: Uhuh? Larry: Where are Sam and I going to live? Ally: With-um-me…I guess… Larry: Do you think you're up to it? Ally: Do I have a choice? Larry: What about Renee? Ally: Renee loves kids. I wouldn't worry. Larry: I love you Ms. McBeal. Ally: I love you too Mr. Larry!
Larry and Sam go out for ice cream so Ally could get a chance to tell Renee about her vacation. Ally thought Renee would be fine with the new arrangements with Sam and all, but how well does she know Renee? Ally: Yes, he's back. Renee: That's great! What about the kid? Ally: Oh…right…the kid…Renee, congratulations! It's a boy! Renee: Was that your incredible stupid way of saying Sam is living with us? Ally: Well….yes. Do you mind? Renee: Well you did catch me off guard but I've been in worse situations…I like that kid. He's got potential…he's got spunk… Ally: Please don't make him a play toy or something, Renee. Renee: Of course not. Ally, one little detail. Ally: Um…yes? Renee: Where's he going to sleep? Ally: Oh… Renee: You have this track record of making things sound fine and dandy but not thinking about the ethical reasons why it can't happen. Ally: We can move. With all three of our salaries we can live in a much bigger house. You do realize that? Renee: We don't have THAT much money. Did Tracy tell you to do this? She's not normal Ally! This is what you have to realize. Ally: Renee, this situation isn't normal. You've forgotten that I get money for sitting in the courtroom as token estrogen, you're a District Attorney, and Larry has represented Sting and a bunch of other famous people. The fact is Renee that we could've afforded a bigger place just between the two of us but we decided to spend it by buying blow up men and pajamas. Renee: Okay, so we move. Lets start looking.
Larry: We're moving? Ally: You can't expect all three of us to live in that tiny apartment. And the schools are better in the place I'm looking at. Trust me, it's the only way. Larry: Fine. So we're going there today to get the contract? Ally: Yep.
All is well in the land of Ally, Larry, Sam and Renee land, but Ally's not too good dealing with stress…once again, she relies upon the most unreliable person…
Tracy: You're doing the underwater thing again? Ally: YES, and more than ever! Tracy: It's stress. You feel underwater because you've basically became a mother within a day. It's the little runts fault I tell you! Never trust kids… Ally: Are you sure it's Sam that is causing this? Tracy: Yeah, little people can do this to you. Ally: So what do I do? Tracy: You can't really do anything. That's the problem with kids, you want them and when you have them you can't stand them. It's too late now, you're stuck. Ally: But I love Sam! Tracy: Who said love is going to be easy? Ally, you do realize that you got yourself into this mess, don't you? Ally: You were the one who made me go get Larry! Tracy: I didn't say let the child tag along, did I? Ally: Well…no…but still, the only reason I am in the mess is because of you! Tracy: Ask me if I care? Ally: Do you? Tracy: Quite frankly…no. Ally: I thought that was a therapist's job, to care. Tracy: It is but to be blunt, your story is boring. Without the dancing baby chucking spears at you and playing hockey, you're just a normal woman in your thirties with a stressful time parenting. The stupid part is, you aren't his parent. I say you tell Larry "It's me or the kid". Ally: I can't do that… Tracy: It's your decision. This is what I love about my job. I get to put in my two cents and I get paid even if you don't take it into consideration.
Larry calls Ally into the bedroom for a private discussion… Larry: Ally, I have some bad news… Ally: What honey? Larry: My ex is suing me. She says that I shouldn't be allowed to bring Sam to a new location without consulting with her. Ally: Forget what she thinks. Was it legal not to fill her in? Larry: No, but I didn't think she'd be smart enough to figure that out. Ally: What does this mean, Larry? Larry: I'm afraid it means I have to choose between you and Sam. I could send him to his mother and stay with you. I'm just not sure that's right…
Ally: Now what! I can’t believe you, Larry! Why didn’t you tell her about you moving to Boston? Why does she care? It’s not like we’re moving Sam further away from her, in fact, we moved him closer! Larry: I don’t think that she really cares in those ways. Ithink she’s jealous of you and doesn’t support our getting back together. Also, I think that she needs to prove to me that she’s smart, not the stupid person I think she is. Ally: This is a terrible way of showing it! Larry: She has the right… Ally: The right my ass! WHY IS IT WHEN I FIND A GUY THEY ALWAYS RUN AWAY? WHAT IS UP WITH MY TRACK RECORD? Larry: Calm down, Ally! This guy has no intention of running away! Ally: (Takes a deep breath, runs out of the room to the phone and calls her number ono speed dial number; Tracy. How pathetic. Her therapist is before her mother…and everyone else for that matter…) Tracy-Tracy-I - I - I need help! Tracy: Ah, it’s the kid, isn’t it? Ally: Well…kinda…yes… Tracy: I told you not to go with the kid….kids are trouble! Ally: I don’t need one of your speeches now, I need therapy…from a therapist…and the question deep, deep, deep in the bottom of my soul is “why am I calling you!?!?”. Tracy: Glad to see you’re picking up on the sarcasm. As much as I love to hear people’s problems, it’s much more fun when you’re paid for it. Does today sound good? Ally: I’ll be packed in two hours. Tracy: Excellent…oh,yes! Plump forgot. Bring the boy. Ally: The boy or my boy? Tracy: The BOY. Not the overgrown boy. Ally: No-no-no and no! This isn’t his fault. I don’t want you to suck the poor boy into one of you’re pitter patter statements, confusing him with your sarcasm, and in a result of all the pain; he’ll be scarred for life. Therefore, ending up being one of your usuals. Tracy: Bring theboy. Ally: Grr…
Back in the bedroom…
Larry: I don’t think that’s such a good idea… Ally: Look, I know Dr. Tracy Clark. She wants the boy and she will not let me in her office unless I have THE BOY! Larry: Fine. Ally: Fine. Sam: WOOHOO! Does this mean I get to miss school to see the creepy old lady with the big nose? Larry: Yup! Sam: YAHOO! Ally: Anyone who’s excited to see that witch that they dare call a women has more problems than me… Larry: Ally, no one has more problems than you. But that’swhy I love you Ms. McBeal. Ally: I love you too Mr. Larry! (Begin to kiss) Sam: Yuck!
IN DOCTOR TRACY’S OFFICE…
Tracy: Which nut do I owe the pleasure? Ally: It’s Ally and the boy. (snickers) Tracy: Ahh, excellent. Now before I do deep tissue, I want to work on the surface. Sam: Which means…? Tracy: Stand up boy! Ally: Oh, no, no, no and NO! You are not pulling this on an innocent child! Don’t you dare try the theme song!! Tracy: Ignore the erratic one. Little boy, bring your left knee up as high as you can. Higher…higher…HIGHER! Now, put your left index finger on the tip of your nose. Good, good. Now whistle if you can. Sam: I don’t know how to whistle. Tracy: Learn! Sam: What kind of therapy is this! I DON’T EVEN NEED THERAPY! I’M A CHILD! Tracy: Who said this is therapy? I just need to know that you trust me. If you do that, you must. Now SIT! Sam: Ally, she’s scaring me. Tracy: Now you need a theme song. Ally: OH NO! NOT THE THEME SONG! THE BOY ISN’T ONE OF YOUR PATIENTS, HE’S ONLY HERE BECAUSE…I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY HE’S HERE! Tracy: Ally, he is here because he is the reason why you are in this mess. Now down. Ally: What is he going to pick?!? THE BARNEY THEME SONG? Tracy: Next time you come here, Sam, you’re going to need a theme song. Sam: A what? Ally: I’ll explainlater… Tracy: So what’s the problem now? Ally: His mom wants to sue Larry because we moved him… Tracy: He’s closer to her…I don’t follow…Ally, if you haven’t noticed, I’m not a lawyer. Now I know we seem alike because you can’t trust either but I really don’t understand why you’re asking me for legal advice…now shoo! Ally: Sam, can you leave the mean old lady and I alone for a sec? Sam: Sure. (walks out) Ally: IT’S ALL THE BOYS FAULT! IF IT WASN’T FOR HIM, I COULD BE WITH LARRY ALONE…YES ALONE…ALONE ALONE ALONE ALONE ALONE!!!!! Tracy: I told you; Kid+divorced man+ex wife=law suit! Ally: I’m leaving. Tracy: Someday you’ll thank me! Of course by then I won’t be taking your calls. Ally: I’m gone!
At work the next morning…(morning conference)
John: Ah-pokip-pokip… Richard: Bygones. Next up; Ally, congratulations! Larry’s back. Ally: I wish it were that simple…the kid is back too. Richard: Kid’s are the devil of all relationships - Fishism! What now? Ally: The mother issuing. Nelle: For what? Ally: She is unhappy that we’ve moved Sam from Detroit to Boston, which by the way is closer to Canada. Richard: No she isn’t. Ally: I believe she is, I have the summons in my bag… Richard: You’re kidding. We’re her lawyers! Ally: Oh… Richard: John, I guess this is your chance to beat Larry. John: Richard! ARE YOU DEAF? WE CAN’T TAKE THAT SIDE OF THE CASE! WE NEED TO HELP ALLY! Richard: John, think about the heaps…the heaps, John, the HEAPS. John: What about friendship? Richard: Fine, we’llget Larry’s ex to settle. That’s the easiest way. We’ll get her to just drop it…tell her that it makes no sense…that she’ll lose the case AND her dignity. John: (Stunned) Excuse me, Richard? Did you just say something that madesense??? Richard: I believe I did.
Ally’s office on the phone with Mr. Larry…
Larry: Oh god…what will she do when she sees you in the office…or your name on the door? Ally: I’m in lockdown for the next couple of hours and my sign has been taken off temporarily. Larry: Excellent. Well, at least we might not have to go to court.
John’s office…trying to get Larry’s ex to settle…
Larry’s ex: There is more to this dilemma than just the fact that he moved Sam. I want full custody. John: Oh. I don’t really think I can take this case…and no one in my firm can. Larry’s ex: Why is that? John: Before we knew that…well…you were you…well…err…um…pokip..ahh…um…well… Larry’s ex: Huh? John: Well….Ally works here. Larry’s ex: Ally… John: Yes. Ally… Larry’s ex: You mean…Ally McBeal? John: Most definitively. Larry’s ex: I can see a conflict of interest on your part. John: Want my advice? Larry’s ex: Do I have a choice? John: Go to Larry and ask him. Set out a specific schedule so Larry seems him on certain holidays, but don’t go to court.
Larry’s ex approaches the McBeal, Raddick, and Paulresidence… (knock knock knock) Renee opens the door… Larry’s ex: Hello. Is this where Larry Paul resides? Renee: Who are you? Larry’s ex: His ex. Renee: Oh. Come on in. (Calls for Larry) Larry: Yes? Renee: Come in here. There’s someone here to see ya. Larry: (Walksin). What brings you here? Larry’s ex: I would like full custody of Sam. I miss him terribly and I would like to bring him back to Detroit. I would agree to give him to you for holidays…whenever you want, Larry! I just need him in my daily routine… Larry: Well… Larry’s ex: I PROMISE!! You’ll see him a lot! I’ll pay for plane tickets! PLEASE LARRY! MY LIFE IS MEANINGLESS WITHOUT HIM! Larry: I don’t know what to say. I want Sam to be happy,and part of me thinks he’d be happier with his old friends in Detroit…and well, with you. Ally and I work all the time, the poor guy sleeps on the couch…this isn’t the way for a young boy to live. You can have him back, but as long as we get an agreement this time that I get to see him for holidays andone weekend every month. Larry’s ex: Deal. Larry and his ex get a custody agreement. Ally of course was really happy (though she didn’t advertise it) when Larry said that Sam would be leaving. She wasn’t ready to have an eight year oldyet. Renee was happy too. She didn’t have to worry about the kid AND later on Jackson came back! Sam comes to visit a weekend every month and some holidays and as for Tracy, she hasn’t gotten too much visits from Ally lately!
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Author: Sandy Fox
E-mail: Kasandra2424@aol.com
Disclaimer: Characters belong to DEK and Fox.
(Though I wish Larry belonged to me...)