The Space Between The Space Between
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I had been back in Boston for about a little over a year with Sam. I was previously in Detroit to be close to Sam who was then living with his mother, but when I asked Sam what he wanted for his fifteenth birthday, the only thing he said he wanted was to live with ME once and for all. Well needless to say, I was shocked as hell. It's not like him and Jamie didn't get along. It definitely took some talking to Jamie on his part. He had told me in strict confidence that he wanted to leave Detroit, not to be away from his mom in particular, just to start over again. He had never had that opportunity and he was curious to see what it would be like. We discussed places to go and he had told me all he wanted was a big city, nothing else was specified. I basically assumed he meant something on this side of America instead of like somewhere in California for example. What did I choose?? Boston, Massachusetts. The schools there were good and I felt like I could start over again easily there. I have to say that living with Sam, just us guys, has made this past year one of the best of my life. He's acting more and more like me every day. I don't know whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. I'm not perfect, and what can I say, as a father, I want my son to be perfect. I want him to be the best person in the world. A tad selfish, yeah, I know, but I can't help it, so I won't fight with it. Sam has been doing the best in school here. He's involved with lots of little clubs and groups and things. He happens to have made lots of great friends and he's even had his share of girlfriends. I have to say that, upon him coming to me for advice, I tried to stray from telling him what to do. I am like the WORST authority on relationships. I usually tell him to follow his heart, don't let it get lost in what your head tells you to do. That has been where I have faulted in my life as far as relationships were concerned. Like his mother, for example. It was sheer lust. We were okay for a while, but when it came to feelings, they weren't there. I wasted a lot of time on that because I had manufactured feelings that weren't exactly around. Then, out popped Sam and I had to think of him; I even left him for quite a while before returning to him. I had forgotten what my responsibilities were. Luckily though, he doesn't hate me, and I'm forever grateful for that. So anyways, here I am, going to work one morning, just like any other day, I go into the office to do the usual write-ups, then I head off to court. I'm sitting down with my client, rereading over some documents. The case was a very silly annulment case, and so far, opposing counsel hasn't shown up yet. I begin to wonder if the plaintiff's lawyer conceives the notion of time when I hear the big court door open and a woman rushes in holding a briefcase, obsessing apologies to the bailiff who then goes to retrieve the judge. I don't give her so much as a short, quick glance before looking back down to the document in my hands. The judge appears and everyone in the court rises. As soon as we're all seated, he motions for the plaintiff's lawyer to begin opening arguments. She gets up and walks towards the jury, which is on her side of the court. All I've seen so far is the back of her head and these beautiful long legs under a short miniskirt. She starts talking, I notice she uses her hands a lot, and her voice is sounding vaguely familiar. I shake it off and lean back in my seat, listening to her argument. She's good, I've concluded, as she's finishing up. She really knows what she's talking about. She turns around and heads back to her chair and I look at her face for the first time. She doesn't look at me, but I sure as hell notice her. Ally McBeal. Oh my god, I think as I get up to start my opening argument. I take a deep breath and get through it. The case proceeds nicely for the remainder of the day and the judge dismisses us, announcing closing arguments are tomorrow. I look over at my client and smile, saying that I will see her tomorrow in court. She smiles, we shake hands, and as she leaves, I start gathering my papers and putting them into my briefcase. I close the briefcase and start to walk out of the courtroom. As I open the door, step out and proceed to walk away from the court, I hear a voice behind me. "Larry Paul," it was Ally, and she had a shy half-smile on her face as she was leaning against the wall. "Ally McBeal," I say without missing a beat, taking a short breath afterwards. "Where have you been hiding?" she asked, taking a step away from the wall, moving towards me. "Nowhere really, I've been around for a while," I respond, admiring how strong and confident she looks. Time must have been good to her. She doesn't seem to have aged a bit. "Oh have you? How long?" she asks, still smiling. I'm surprised this doesn't seem as hard for her as it feels for me. "A little over a year I guess," I begin, contemplating whether or not to go into details. "Wow. I'm surprised I haven't seen you around," she muses as she looks up at the sky as if she's thinking and then making eye contact with me again and smiling. "Well I stay busy. I have work, and then I have Sam," she cut me off. "Sam? He's with you? That's great Larry! Wow, oh…" she stopped, sounding a bit disappointed. "Yeah, he wanted to live with me and Jamie grew a heart," I joked, noticing her expression growing a bit happier than the brief two seconds ago. "That's great Larry, that's really great," her expression was soft and I was captivated by her eyes. She always could do that to me. "Yeah, it is," I smiled, realizing how happy I truly was knowing that I was with Sam all the time and even more happy knowing it was his choice to be with me. "What about you? What have you been doing lately?" I asked her, not knowing where else conversation could or would go between us. I had no idea about her, but I was uncomfortable as hell while she looked collected, which made me even more nervous. I wonder if it's showing. "Oh, just working. Things are a LOT different than before you left. We've had a lot of new people show up in the firm as well as some departures…it's been," she paused, letting out a laugh, "interesting." "That's good," I smiled, adoring her laugh, "I'm glad things are so well for you." "Me too," she seemed to be getting shy again, "I mean, I'm glad things are well for YOU as well," she stammered, forcing a smile at the end. "Well, I have to go now. It was nice talking to you," I immediately slapped myself mentally. "Oh!" she looked at me a bit surprised. "Well, I, I guess, I guess I'll see you tomorrow, in, in court," she held out her hand, "till then," she smiled softly. I smiled, remembering saying that to her many a time in the past. I reached for her hand and instantly wished I didn't have to let go. "Till then," I smiled back. She pulled away first and then turned, walking away. It was a good thing there was a bench right there, because I fell, and I fell hard. It was a long way to the ground and if there wasn't a bench, my ass would probably be hurting more than it does already. "Hey dad!" Sam yelled as he entered through the front door. "Hey!" I yelled back from the kitchen. "How was school?" Sam came into the kitchen and laid his backpack on a chair and started rambling on and on. I honestly can say I wasn't paying any attention. My mind was clouded with thoughts of Ally. I know I shouldn't be thinking about her, we ARE past tense after all. I guess I'm just shocked that we can speak as civil adults after so long and what I, what I did to her. The way I left her, it was, it was, cowardly. Then again, like I've said before, in relationships, I tend to be stupid. Yeah, stupid is the right word for it. "Dad. Dad? DAD!!!!" Sam yelled at me. I snapped my head around and looked at him. "Yeah! Sorry," I shot back apologetically. "You okay? I doubt you've heard anything I've said. And knowing you," he smiled slightly, "you ALWAYS pay attention to ME," he mocked, laughing. "Oh, yeah, no, I just uh," he looked at me, his expression questioning me, "I saw Ally today. Do you remember her?" Sam stood there for a moment, thinking it looked like, then his eyes lit up. "Oh yeah! I remember her! You were with her when I," he paused, laughing, "when I came here to sue you," he continued laughing. "Yeah," I chuckled a bit, not really wanting to laugh, but just to reassure him I was paying attention this time. I felt his gaze on me as I'm sure he was studying my facial expression. I busied myself with cooking dinner again. "I'll be back," Sam left, grabbing his bag on his way out. I stopped as soon as he was gone and leaned against the counter. He wasn't going to leave this alone…what I'm wondering is whether that's a good thing or not.
Dinner was going well, Sam was talking about his day and I was actually paying attention this time. Then out of nowhere, he brought up the inevitable. "Why did seeing her have this effect on you?" I almost choked on what I was drinking and I looked at him, putting my glass down. "What do you mean Sam?" I pretended to not know what he was talking about, and I'm sure I was failing miserably. "Well you're not usually jumpy or uncollected. What's wrong dad?" he asked again, showing concern. "Um, Sam," I smiled nervously, knowing he was damn well right. "It was just a bit of a surprise, to see her, that's all." "I don't believe you," he shot back, not missing a beat. "What happened between you two? You left me to go back to her, but then you left her again because you came back to me and I never knew why. Tell me why, dad." I leaned back in my chair, crossed my arms and looked at him, wondering if I should try to continue lying or break down and talk to him. "Well Sam, I was ready to spend the rest of my life with her and then things happened. I clammed up, and I left her, with a note." Sam's jaw dropped. "How do you leave someone with a note dad??" he looked at me in amazement. "Well when you're stupid, you do stupid things. That was a stupid thing I did." "I don't think all of your feelings are gone," he came back at me, not budging from his obvious position. I knew where this was going and I didn't want it to go there. "What makes you say that buddy?" I took a short breath, maintaining composure. "You can sit there, and tell me, HONESTLY," he stressed, damn! "That you don't love her or have ANY teensy bit of feelings towards her?" "Well a part of me will always love her buddy, but that is the past," I leaned forward, on my arms, which I placed on top of the table, feeling confident. "I don't think so," he shook his head. "I think it's a very current event." Damn. He struck another good, and very right, point. "So then what do you propose, if this is so current?" I challenged him. "Oh that's simple, go to her. Get to know her again, fall in absolute love, all over again. I mean why deny yourself happiness? I'm here, so it's not like you have to leave me to do it. You have no excuses this time dad," he finished triumphantly. I slumped back into my chair, looking at him particularly. Sam stood up and grabbed his plate. When he got to me, he said it a little softer, "Go to her dad." He grabbed my plate and went to the sink. As I listened to him rinse the dishes off, I thought about her. I thought about how she's probably happy now and I would just be an interference in her life. I made a decision. "Sam, I'm going to bed," and then I went to my room and shut the door.
The next morning in court, things went much better than the day before. Ally showed up on time, delivering a great closing argument, making me feel like mine was inadequate, and then the judge dismissed the jury to make their decision, calling a brief recess. Me and my client sat there, with most of the rest of the audience in the courtroom, minus a few people milling out for bathroom breaks and such. Ally was leaning back in her chair, looking deep in thought. I must admit, I took a glance at her every two seconds. When she finally glanced over at me as I was gazing at her, I turned my head quickly, knowing I was caught. I stood up and casually walked out, feeling like I should be hauling ass rather than just walking casually. I made my way out the door and into the restroom. I silently thanked god it wasn't a unisex. I took off my glasses and put them in my front pocket. I turned on the water and splashed my face with some every so often. All I could do was tell myself to get it together. I'm not usually a nervous mess, and I was proving myself wrong with every new moment. When I had finally calmed myself down a considerable amount, I exited the bathroom, putting my glasses back on simultaneously, and made my way back to the courtroom. As soon as I opened the door, I saw Ally's face turn at the sound and I felt her gaze upon me. I just kept walking, looking everywhere but at her. I sat down next to my client and before I knew it, the jury had come back with a verdict. Ally had won the case, much to my surprise. I parted ways with my client and made my way out of the courthouse. "Larry!" I heard my name and whipped around. Ally was just coming out the door into the fresh air, her hair blowing backwards a bit because of the breeze. It was apparent she had run to catch up with me and she was taking breaths as she started to approach me much slower. "Hi," I said, in want of something better, smiling stupidly. "Hey," she smiled at me. I felt like melting on the spot. We stood there a bit uncomfortably and then just kind of, started walking, as if our minds spoke to each other, concurrently thinking the same thing. "And you thought I could never beat you," she laughed softly. I smiled my first real smile and laughed, a real, genuine laugh. "Actually, I believe I said `not never, just not, ever' but you proved me wrong," I smiled at her, feeling my stomach do a somersault. I held my breath slightly. "Right," she smiled. "I finally beat the infamous Larry Paul!" she yelled out loud. I winced and then laughed. She got me to laugh genuinely again. What's wrong with me? "Hey now, don't let it get out too much, then EVERYONE will think they can beat me!" I joked right back, starting to feel comfortable again. Ally just laughed. We kept walking for a while, tolerating the silence a bit better than before. "So," we both said at the same time, then proceeding to laugh. "You go," she said. "Want to get some lunch?" I offered, not wanting to be apart from her again, knowing I would probably never dig her up. It was just something that was wrong with me, well, one of the MANY things anyways. "Sure," she smiled. We walked a little further until we reached this little coffee and sandwich shop. We went in and ordered our food then sat down in a window table. "How's Sam?" she started conversation as she bit into her blt. "Oh he's great. He really loves school here, he's got lots of friends, and he even has a girlfriend," I beamed, bragging about my son. Ally was all smiles. "I'm so glad he likes Boston," she seemed just as happy. "So, what got you here to Boston away from Detroit?" Ally asked. I felt some hope. If she was asking those questions, questions concerning Detroit, which concerned Jamie, damn, you know I really hope too much. "Well I asked Sam what he wanted for his fifteenth birthday, and he said, I want to live with you Dad, and I want to leave Detroit. Any big city, I just want to leave here," I paused, taking a sip of my soda. "He left it up to me, and my first thought was Boston. I mean I know the place, so why not. He was totally cool with that and so right before he started high school, we moved over here," I finished, finally, taking a bite of my own sandwich. "Wow," Ally took a sip of her own drink; I watched her eyes as they danced happily. "That's so great that he wanted to be here with you Larry." There was a little bit of small talk in between eating, but nothing of mere importance. I kept feeling like this was going to be the last time I would ever lay my eyes on her beautiful face. We finished lunch and got up to leave. As we walked down the street, going nowhere in particular, courage bit me hard in the ass. "I missed you Ally," I whispered. She jerked her head in my direction, and almost stopped walking. "What?" she asked, surprised I noticed. I cleared my throat, "I missed you, Ally," I repeated, a little louder this time. "No, no, I, I heard you Larry, I just," she stammered. She was always so cute when she didn't know what to say. Damn. Why'd I give this up? "I'm sorry," I offered, a miserable attempt at touching the topic we had left alone till now. "Um, I, uh," she looked me in my eyes. Hers were confused, I could tell. "I know we parted on bad terms. It was because I was a, I was scared. I guess by leaving you, I thought figured I would save myself from, failing you in the future," I spoke very fast, reminding myself of her when she's pissed off. "Why are you bringing this up Larry?" she finally asked, speaking coherently for the first time since I finally spoke up. "I thought it had to be said. Said, not written," I cringed at the remembrance of my note, `I love you, goodbye.' God I was such an ass. Ally started twitching nervously. I guess this was when things would get uncomfortable. I'm beginning to wonder whether I should have kept my big mouth shut or not. "I'm sorry, maybe I shouldn't have said anything, how about I just, I'll, I'll go, yeah, that's what I'll do. It was really nice seeing you again Ally. Actually, it was beyond great. So anyways, yeah, I'm gonna go now. Take care Ally," I smiled quickly and then turned around and started to walk away. I really can be an idiot sometimes. "Wait!" I heard a voice call after me and I saw Ally running after me. Wow, did I really walk that fast?? She caught her breath and then looked at me, her expression was rather angry. "So that's it? You're just gonna walk away from me again?" she took a quick breath, but it wasn't long enough to give me a chance to get a word in, her usual self; the usual self that I have missed. "When are you gonna grow up Larry?" "What do you mean?" I looked at her, puzzled for once. "Why can't you be a man and stick around for once?? Why don't you see what would happen for once instead of assuming? What if I missed you too? What if I wanted you around? See, if you don't stick around, you will miss important things like that!" I almost fell down right there, just like in the courtr0om the previous day. She missed me, she wanted me around, what the HELL is my problem??? "You, uh, you missed me too?" was all my sorry ass could mumble. "Of course I did!" she exclaimed, smacking my shoulder. "Even though you left horribly, with no real reason, fact is, I loved you Larry. You always miss those you love," her expression softened. "Love, as in, present tense?" I asked, uncertain. I had by now taken off my glasses and began fidgeting with them. Dammit I was nervous! Ally looked at the ground. "I just don't know Larry. You just," she looked back up at me. "You left me with a damn note. No reason, no nothing. How can I just forget that and allow myself to be around someone who hurt me more than words can say??" I could tell she was hurt; her eyes were getting misty. It was so obvious what she was feeling. It was exactly what I was feeling. "I wish I knew," I said softly, almost to myself. We stood there in silence for a minute or so, and then she spoke again. "There's this club, that I go to all the time," I smiled in remembrance, "you should stop by tonight, there's this new local band that's debuting there tonight. They're supposed to be good," and with that, she turned and walked away. I stood there stunned for a moment looking after her until she had faded into the crowd and become imperceptible. I slowly turned and started walking down the street in the opposite direction. All of a sudden, I smiled.
Sam was more excited than I was when I told him about Ally I swear! "Well it sounded discouraging, but she suggested that, I TOLD you there was hope dad!" he said to me. I just smiled. I couldn't help it. The feeling of WANTING to smile was a new one. Sam was going to go out with a couple of friends to the movies that night, so I wasn't leaving him all by himself that night, which left me no way for trying to back out. I guess my stupid ass head was trying to come up with reasons to now show up. My heart, well it was leaping for joy. I had decided to ignore my head for once in my life and I started out for the club next door to Ally's law office, Cage & Fish. When I arrived, I stood outside for a few minutes, just wondering what would happen if I went in there. Would we dance? Would we talk? Would we laugh? Would we enjoy each other's company? Oh how I longed to just be happy in her presence. I finally entered and observed my surroundings. There was much ambience adding to the soft rock music playing in the background by that new band Ally had spoken of. I looked for Ally and I finally spotted her with a group of people, she was staring intently at this one guy, however. Needless to say, I was stunned. He wasn't really even talking. I started to get nervous and I wondered why I came there in the first place. You moron, you didn't even ask her if she was seeing anybody! She probably wants to "just be friends" of course. Ally glanced over towards the door and we made eye contact. She waved her hand at me and excused herself from the people she was with, touching that one guy's shoulder. My world was crashing. "Larry! You made it!" she said happily, reaching out to hug me. I tensed up, and I know she noticed because she pulled away immediately. "Let's go sit down and have a drink," she led the way to a two-person table by a wall close to the stage where the band was performing. We ordered drinks, and then sat there. I looked towards the band, pretending to pay attention to their music. They ended the song that they had started when I had first entered the bar and there was much applause. I clapped right along; they weren't half bad, I have to admit. They began a rather melancholy, slow song with a strong guitar beat at the beginning.
Will I hold you again?
I walked towards the door and opened it. The cold air hit me fast and I felt like collapsing right there. Rejection. So this is what it feels like. It wasn't me rejecting her this time; it was me being given a taste of my own medicine. Sad how I really do deserve this. I stood outside, leaning against the wall next to the door, listening to the faint music still playing inside.
"I shouldn't have come. I really don't deserve your company, then again, maybe it's a good thing I came because I got a taste of my own medicine," I said back matter-of-factly. "What the hell are you talking about Larry?" Ally looked at me, baffled.
I nodded silently. She started laughing. "Oh my god Larry!" she laughed a little more. "He's just a friend of mine from my firm!"
"Awww," she cooed at me. "You were, oh Larry," she sighed, I looked back up at her.
I touched her face with my other hand, stifling a barrage of tears that could fall at any moment. She let go of my other hand and I cupped her face with both of my hands. I moved closer to her; there wasn't even an inch of space between us.
Ally broke the kiss, "I can't do this, I can't," Ally started, stammering once again, "I can't let you love me and leave me again. I can't handle that happening again." She pulled away from my grasp and bowed her head down. "I didn't think I could handle it the first time, and the second time was even worse than the first. There's no guarantee, I just, I just don't," she looked back up at me, brushing hair from her watery eyes, "I don't trust that you won't just disappear on me again. I can't do this now," "Ally," I whispered, she looked down and away and everywhere but in my eyes, "Please look at me," I gently guided her head towards mine by way of her chin. She resisted slightly, but then gave in. "My son is here. What reason do I have to leave again?" I tried to convince her, I felt so close to keeping her close to me again. "What's to say you won't come up with some other excuse. You usually do, it's typical of you and I've tried to deal with it. When you leave me time and again, I just can't, I just can't," she faded off and looked away as a single tear rolled down her face. Her voice was filled with so much emotion, so much hurt. I knew right then that I couldn't live without this woman. She was everything to me, and I had to except that. "I've been scared since the very moment I noticed you in that court room Ally. I tried to think of every excuse and reason I could to walk away from you and not face this, but I can't do it anymore. I have to stop running away. I just wish I could make you believe…" I faded off. She pulled back farther, turning to walk away, saying as she left, "I'm sorry Larry. I don't trust you, I can't. I just, I can't." When I finally let my heart lead the way, it was, too late.
I walked home very forlornly, after watching Ally walk away. I sat at home all weekend, doing mediocre things to pass the time. Sunday night, I was reading a book while listening to the radio. Suddenly the phone rang and I picked it up after two rings, not expecting to hear from anybody important. "Hello?" there was no answer, but I could hear soft breathing. "Hello?" I repeated, curious. I held the phone for about 30 seconds, listening to the soft breathing, stopping every so often only to continue once again. "Hello?" I said, sounding annoyed this time. The music on the radio grabbed my attention. I heard the words and then it dawned on me. "Ally?" I whispered. I heard a gasp and then the dial tone.
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Author: Heather
Rating: ally-ish... could be shown on t.v. I believe :)
Disclaimer: just me, having fun with someone else's characters...
I think I'm entitled :)
