I thought you'd be out of my mind

Here I am again, writing you a letter I know I will never have the nerve to send, or the guts rather. I find myself thinking about you just as much everyday as ever. It's just something that ceases to relinquish. You would think that after all of this time, I would be fine, and I would be able to forget about you, but for some reason, I can't. I can't bring myself to forget, forget your touch, your love, your face.

And I'd finally find a way to
Learn to live without you

My life is full of emotionless movements. I go through my days in slow motion, in and out of court, with my Sammie, constantly throwing Jamie off of me. It really gets old and tiring and while I would think coming home would be a way to escape stress, I come home to you. I come home to your ghost, the ghost that haunts me.

I thought it was just a matter of time
Till I had a hundred reasons
Not to think about you
But it's just not so

Life is supposed to go on. I'm supposed to move on from my past. I'm supposed to be able to continue and love and laugh and all the things that are supposed to be good about life, but I can't even bring myself to laugh when you're not around...at least laugh with true meaning.

And after all this time
I still can't let go

I miss you Ally, I miss you more than words can say. I can't begin to describe the pain I feel whenever I walk home and imagine your head on my shoulder, arm in mine, and the sweet silence we walk in. I would think that silence would be a bad thing, but with you, it's just not possible. Your presence was always enough for me; silence never bothered me. Just to look down and see contentedness sketched across your face, it was enough for me to be the happiest man in the world.

I still got your face
Painted on my heart

I was the one who put that look on your face.

Scrawled upon my soul
Etched upon my memory baby

My happiness coincided with yours. If you were happy, I couldn't be happier myself. And did I mention our nights? The sweetness of our nightly ritual...curling up in bed, slowly cuddling, then kissing, then touching, feeling, and then making the sweetest love ever imaginable. The only kind of lovemaking there is is lovemaking with you. You embody the essence of becoming one with the person you love. You are the one who taught me how sweet love is and how sweet lovemaking could be and is if you share it with the one you love.

You know sometimes in bed, I swear I can feel your presence next to me and I have this urge to lean over and kiss you. I end up kissing a pillow, and for some reason, even that smells like you.

And I've got your kiss
Still burning on my lips
The touch of my fingertips
Is love so deep inside of me, baby

I go to work everyday at this law firm I've joined. Can you imagine, me, joining a law firm, funny idea isn't it? I always did like doing my own work, but for some reason I can't make myself work anymore. I find myself wandering. I know my mind wanders anyway. It's like no matter how much I try and focus on working, I try and heed the boss's warnings of getting work done or else but all of it fails me. I focus long enough to get through a trial and when I have down time, not only are you on my thoughts, but I find myself imagining all the different ways we could meet up again. It's like I have our future planned out and we don't even have one. How sad is that?

I tried everything that I can
To get my heart to forget you
But it just can't seem to

Jamie urges me to go out, expressly with her, but you know I can't do that. It's almost as if it would betray your memory or whatever. Look at me, talking about your "memory" like you're dead. Man are you anything BUT! I have tried dating a few times, but I just end up talking about you.

I guess it's just no use
In every part of me
Is still a part of you

Everything I see reminds me of you. Every time I eat ice cream, I think of our run-in with Helena the last day we saw each other. Every time I hear Sting on the radio, it makes me wish I could sing to you again. Everyday I see people walking around like they're floating on air, it makes me long for that feeling I once had with you. Okay, maybe I still have that feeling, maybe I'm obsessed in that feeling, but I honestly can't help it. You were the best thing that ever happened to me. Your everything brought out the best in me. I miss everything about us; I even miss our fights. If I were to fight with you just one last time, it would make me the happiest person alive, just to talk to you again. The making up sure was sweet though wasn't it?

I've still got your face
Painted on my heart
Scrawled upon my soul
Etched upon my memory baby
I've got your kiss
Still burning on my lips
The touch of my fingertips
Is love so deep inside of me, baby

That's another thing I miss, the love we made. Oh wait; did I already say that? Yeah, well I suppose I just can't forget the look in your eyes, the look you got when we connected, when we finally hit that point of extreme passion and our souls connected immediately. I don't think I've ever looked somebody in the eyes while making love...until you. It's always easier to close my eyes or look away. It isn't the same. It's not as meaningful; in fact, it's kind of embarrassing to make love with someone you don't really love. Something tells me you know what I'm talking about...

Something in your eyes keeps haunting me
I'm trying to escape you

Every night before I go to sleep, I find myself looking at your picture. I find myself touching the surface and wishing it had the soft adorable ridges your face does. Once I get passed the surface, I start studying your facial expression. My eyes are drawn to yours and I take a long stroll down memory lane. The different looks your eyes get, they drive me crazy. I remember being the one that said telling each other what we think defeats the purpose of surprise, mystery, and the intriguing nature relationships are supposed to possess. Looking into your eyes in that picture, it makes me remember all the times I could tell what you were thinking and how you were feeling just by looking into them.

Every morning when I wake up, I find myself missing me holding you in my arms. That sounds awkward, I know, but the feeling of you in my arms, curled up in a ball, dreaming contentedly, it was the picture perfect moment. Every good moment in my life was spent with you.

The day I left, the day I wrote that pathetic note, that was the day my systems shut down. I couldn't function normally. It wasn't you who broke my heart; it was the fact that I felt I couldn't be all the man that you needed and deserved that chased me away and caused me to break YOUR own heart. Okay, I'm kidding myself again; it was a stupid omen that sent me running. It was like, I finally found the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and for some reason, something happened that sent me running away. I was planning on proposing to you, did you know that? No, of course you didn't. I really should think before speaking. I picked a corny way to propose, hoping to sweep you off your feet and give you what every man wishes they could give the love of their life, and I failed...I failed miserably. I couldn't conceal my unhappiness and I knew it. When I went to work the next day, I found myself being bugged by my assistant to not give up but all I could see was that I was digging a bigger grave for myself. I predicted that moving forward any more couldn't be right. I guess if I ran away from you, you might still have a chance at happiness. I actually hope you are happy right now. I hope you aren't still dwelling on the coward who left you. I hope you've moved on and have another man who's lucky to have the best woman in the world by his side.

And I know there ain't no way to
To chase you from my mind

I hope for nothing but happiness for you. You deserve the best Ally, I just wish I could be the one to give it to you and if I could turn back the hands of time, I would do a complete 180, throw my omen theory out the window and propose to spend the rest of my life with you. If only I could bring myself to...

I've still got your face
Painted on my heart
Scrawled upon my soul
Etched upon my memory baby
I've got your kiss
Still burning on my lips
The touch of my fingertips
Is love so deep inside of me, baby

Larry

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