Long Journey Home




Chapter Three


The following morning at 5:00 a.m. on the dot, Calista heard a soft knock on the door. She smiled to herself as she opened it to see Robert standing there sheepishly, knowing they'd made no plans for him to pick her up that morning. Trying to look annoyed, she put her hands on her hips and said, "Robert, it hasn't even been six hours since you left here. Don't you have a home?"

Robert got a dopey look on his face and acted as though he were concentrating very hard before stating the obvious, "Um. ... NOPE!" They both erupted in wild laughter.

"Oh, you poor orphan. Well, since you're here, you might as well come in. I guess I can rustle you up some coffee."

"Why, thanks ma'am," he drawled in a southern twang. Robert looked around, "That lazy old man still sleeping?"

Calista laughed at his reference to Liam. "Think he's still worn out from all the mischief you let him get into last week," she kidded.

Grinning, he said, "Wish he'd done the same for me."

"You still not sleeping?"

"Not much."

"Robert, you know that no sleep, change, stress .."

He smiled, "I know, Cal."

"Did you make an appointment for the psychotherapy we discussed?"

"Yep. My first appointment's tomorrow during my down time. And," he grinned " ... I even signed up for physical therapy."

"Cute," she sneered. "And, you're still in counseling, right?"

He growled. "Yes, Calista. Once a week, every Wednesday." He looked at her menacingly, "But, I've only been back to work for four day. Only four days ... Calista."

"Meetings?"

Robert rolled his eyes upward in annoyance. "Yes, mother. I'm doing everything the judge ordered. Every night, I pee in a cup and allow myself to be frisked, prodded, poked, brushed, vacuumed, and raked ... and anything else they feel like doing to me. Plus, I had a double dose of group over the weekend and several extra sessions with Warren. So," he asked squinting his eyes at her, "can ya .. maybe .. back off a little?"

Defensively, she said, "I didn't mean to ..."

"I know, I know. But, we already talked about this. You made it crystal clear what you want .. I know what I have to do ... and I'm doing it. And, knowing how you are, I'm sure by now you've read every book out there on addiction and relapse, plus you've probably done months of research. I love you for that, but ... please .. just don't ... smother me, okay? I gotta do this on my own."

"I'm not trying to smother you," she said rather angrily.

He shook his head in frustration. "Ah, shit ... I'm sorry! I didn't mean it like that. It's just ... that ... sometimes you make me feel like I'm not smart enough to figure things out for myself."

Clearly hurt, she declared, "You know I don't think that."

He looked down and heaved a big sigh. After a few seconds he raised his eyes and looked at her imploringly. "Okay. Everything I've said has come out wrong. Can we start over?"

Calista slowly chewed on the inside of her jaw before saying quietly, "Please."

Robert sat down on a kitchen stool and thought a moment before continuing, "Calista, of all the people in my life, there's no one I trust more than you, and nobody's hand I want reaching out to me more than yours. But," he looked at her tenderly, "I guess I just need to know you'll trust me enough to know when I'm starting to fall .. and need to ask for it. Is that fair enough?"

She nodded, understanding that he was the only one who could do it - it was up to him. "Is there something in particular that's bothering you or just everything in general?"

"Well," he said, taking a deep breath, "the night before I started back to work, Debbie called to say she's still thinking of moving to New York. After all the strings I've pulled to get her band a few high profile local gigs, and other things .. I thought for sure she'd wanna stay in L.A." Dejectedly, he shrugged, "But, I give up. I don't ... know .. what else to do."

"Why didn't you tell me?" she asked.

"I knew you'd worry," he confessed. He was thoughtful for a moment and shook his head. "Every time I start getting comfortable, she does something else that sends me into a tailspin. If I didn't know better, I'd think she did it on purpose. I had the weirdest feeling that the minute she hung up she was hoping I'd run right out and get wasted and end up back in jail." He lowered his eyes, "God, I was such an asshole. For so many years ... I don't know, maybe she still ... just needs revenge."

Calista stood listening to him silently.

He snorted, "Wonder if she's pissed that it's been four whole days and I'm still in one piece?" Looking at her helplessly, he asked, "I've lost so much, Cal, what'll I do if I lose my son, too?"

She crossed over to where he was sitting and wrapped her arms around him, placing her chin on top of his head. She rocked him back and forth, "You'll never lose Indio, Robert," she said, "you're his daddy and he worships you. Even if Deborah moves, he won't be gone for long, you have to know that. Did she say when it might be?"

"Nope. But, but I can't believe it would be before the Elton/Sting benefit ... or Christmas." He leaned back and smiled at her weakly, "You know I don't do well alone for the holidays." Shaking his head in frustration, he asked, "As much as I love New York, why would she still wanna take Indio there after ... everything .."

Calista didn't speak for a long time. "Robert," she said gently, "we're all vulnerable ... none of us are ever really safe, no matter where we are or how hard we try to make it happen."

He bent his head and nodded.

"What's going on anyway?" she asked. "I thought you and Deborah had been getting along pretty well the last four or five months?"

"Me, too. Oh, shit, I don't know. Maybe it's just become a habit with her - wanting ... needing ... a pound of my flesh." His eyes searched hers, "If you knew all the things I've done in my life, I doubt you'd be standing here with your arms around me."

She met his gaze. "I guess that depends."

"On?"

"Whether it was you or ... something ... someone ... else."

"You can make that distinction?" he asked.

"Sure. Why can't you?"

Chewing on his lower lip, he admitted, "Because I don't know if I can ever be sure which it was." He closed his eyes momentarily, and then continued, hoarsely, "Cal, I've been somebody else since I was three years old. I'm not sure if I know who I am or if there's even a me, and it's terrifying. What if after the mask is gone there's nobody at home?"

She held his face in her hands and looked deep into his eyes. "God, I wish I could make you see all that you are, Robert, and that getting rid of that mask is nothing more than just learning to forgive and let go - opening your heart. Learning that you can share your thoughts with someone, no matter what they are, and trust that person to understand. Learning to care for yourself ... believing that you deserve to be happy. Learning that it's okay to say no because, in the end, you're the only person you have to please, and yours is the only approval you need. Discovering the freedom of taking back your life. Waking up each morning clear eyed and realizing you're still brilliantly creative, that you still care, that you're still funny, that you still have an incredible passion for life, that you still love, that you're still loved." She looked at him apologetically, "Sorry. Didn't mean to jump on my soapbox."

He concentrated on her mouth before moving his eyes upward. "This is embarrassing," he confessed, "I've never really talked like this about it with anyone."

Putting her hands in front of her like a shield, she said, "Okay, I'm not even gonna ask why you're not talking about this to your therapist. But," she grinned sweetly, "thanks for finally trusting me enough to talk to me." Placing her cheek on his, she whispered softly in his ear, "Bobby, I can't take away the heartache and pain of your past, but I promise I'll be here when you need me to care." She kissed his cheek and looked lovingly in his eyes, "And, as much as I want to ... as much as I wish I could ... I can't keep your heart from breaking or hurting. But, if you ask me to, I'll cry with you ... help you pick up the pieces and put them back in place."

Robert cast his eyes downward, frowning, "It's just ...." he began chewing on his lower lip, "that ... I feel like I'm trying to run uphill wearing ski boots. I don't know if I have the strength to do it."

"Then, crawl, if you have to," she said softly, brushing her lips against his forehead.

He grabbed onto her and buried his face against her neck and she held him tightly.

Finally, he pulled away gently and looked up at her, "Baby steps?" he said with a slight grin.

"Yeah," she nodded, "something like that."

"How the hell did you get to be so smart?" he asked, focusing on her lips.

She twisted her mouth into a smirk and said playfully, "Is that your way of saying you've actually been listening?"

He drew back and grinned, "And, are you saying you think I'm actually worth it?"

Kissing his nose, she kidded, "Well ... let's just say you're getting there."

Calista was a paradox. She reminded Robert of a young Audrey Hepburn, not only in appearance, but also because she possessed the same quiet dignity, elegance, and delicate, fragile beauty. She was ferociously private, but to those she was close to, she was the most forthright person he'd ever known. She didn't play games, he'd always known where he stood with her. And, for as quiet as she was, she could become fiercely protective if anyone tried to take advantage of her or someone she cared about. And, her sting could be deadly. Without thinking, Robert leaned forward and kissed her. She didn't pull back immediately but when she did, he lowered his head in frustration. "Sorry," he said. "It just seemed like such a natural thing to do, I didn't even think ... sorry, really."

"No apology necessary," she smiled, "really."

He sighed and nodded. Gazing directly into her eyes, he asked, "Okay, brutal honesty, from here on out?"

She nodded.

Inhaling deeply, he warned her, "You may change your mind about my being worth it."

Calista's expression told him she expected clarification.

"I thought about it," he admitted. "I mean ... you know ... after Deb hung up ... I really thought about it. Things between you and me were so uncertain. And then .. the thought of losing my son. Well ... let's just say, I thought about it." He stopped and studied her reaction. "For two hours, I sat there looking at the clock, knowing I could leave, score, and be back in 45 minutes without anyone knowing, if I just got up and left."

"And, what stopped you?" she asked somberly.

His eyes traveled over her face lovingly. "I saw your funny face .. and Liam .. and Indio ... and I sort of saw everything, you know? I told myself I might have one last chance to either have it all - or nothin'. And the thought of having nothin' scared the shit out of me. So, instead of leaving, I called Warren."

Calista was so profoundly moved she didn't know what to say, but before she could speak, Liam's Nanny opened the kitchen door. She and Robert broke apart and said their goodbyes to Maria.

In the car, Calista asked, "You okay?"

"Yeah. I think so ... yeah. Even though I'm scared to death, for the first time I'm not afraid." He screwed up his face as he thought about what he'd just said, "Did that even make sense?"

"Sure," Calista said.

He laughed, "I should've known if anyone would understand, it'd be you."

She grinned.

"Hey," he exclaimed, "today's script looks like fun. God .. I need fun." He turned toward her and said slowly, "I ... need you."

She lowered her eyes, smiling slightly.

A song had been playing on the radio and they grew silent as the lyrics started to hit close to home:


...It's kinda sad
But I'm smilin', imagine that
Cause we were lucky to have what we had
If only for a time

Didn't we set the nights on fire
Did ever a flame burn any higher
Wasn't it so sweet, wasn't it
Didn't we love


They looked at each remembering.


It's okay
Sometimes I just get this way
I can't forget you anyway
I wouldn't even try

I'd rather fall
Than never to have flown at all
It was heaven after all
If only for a time


Calista glanced down and smiled to herself as she watched Robert's hand slowly inch across the seat closer to hers.


Didn't we set the nights on fire
Did ever a flame burn any higher
Wasn't it so sweet, wasn't it
Didn't we love


She reached out and covered his hand with hers and his look told her that he adored her.


Oh didn't we have it all back then
Will I feel that way again

Didn't we set the nights on fire
Did ever a flame burn any higher
Wasn't it so sweet, wasn't it
Didn't we love

Isn't it bittersweet
Isn't it
Didn't we .... love


They shared a quiet moment of intense understanding, remembering what they'd had and being painfully aware of what they might never have again.

They arrived at the airport with just two minutes to spare and Bill was none too happy. "Glad you could make it," he roared. "Just so you know, our goal is an ‘early' day - for all concerned."

Robert and Calista shared a guilty glance and hurried off toward wardrobe. They had a ball filming the morning's scene (which picked up in sequence after Ally had left Larry standing alone in the terminal). The shoot, to everyone's delight, went smoothly.




ALLY: (Settles into window seat. Larry sits down beside her).

LARRY: Mind if an insignificant little gnat sits down? Sorry .. looks like we're seat mates.

ALLY: (Stares, mouth open, wide eyed): How are we even plane mates?!

LARRY: Well (shrugs) I don't know if playmates is the rig...

ALLY: Don't get cute with me, Larry. You couldn't take a different flight?

LARRY: (Head back, looks down, points index finger): Ally, I may be wrong, but didn't you just spend 5-1/2 hours in this airport because there was a shortage of planes?

ALLY: You did this on purpose!

LARRY: Yeah, you're right. I bribed the airline, the pilot, and the flight attendant.

ALLY: I wouldn't put it past you!

LARRY: Actually, I told them I was your 'therapist' and that I was escorting you back to the hospital. And, that you were erratic and a little nuts, and unless they rearranged their entire passenger seating assignments so that I could sit next to you, you might.. start .. ripping your clothes off.

ALLY: Oh, that's funny (hitting him hard across the arm). Well, if you have to sit here, just don't talk to me.

LARRY: (Makes face, rolls eyes upward in frustration.)

ALLY: Larry?

LARRY: (Raises eyebrows, offers look of innocence, says nothing.)

ALLY: Larry!?

LARRY: Ally ... aren't you the one ... who just told me not to talk?

ALLY: Don't make fun of me, Larry.

LARRY: I wasn't, actually. Just trying to figure out where I stand.




"CUT!" Bill yelled. "That was great! Everybody back in two." Robert and Calista went in search of food provided by the studio. Filling their plates they went outside and found a shady spot on the grass. While they ate, they talked about meaningless things, joked, and, in general, just enjoyed hanging out.

Filming resumed and, for as smoothly as everything had gone during the morning, Robert just couldn't play it straight in the afternoon. They'd already done 12 takes of the first scene of the afternoon because there were just too many temptations for Robert. On the thirteenth take, everything went fine - for awhile.

"Quiet on the set. Rolling. Scene #62, Take #13. Marker. Action:"




ALLY: It's only that I forgot to ask - how's Sam?

LARRY: Well, if I'm really allowed to talk, he's doing great. Really good.

ALLY: ..And .. uh .. J-Jamie? (Audibly holds breath.)

LARRY: Ally, Jamie and I are not together.

ALLY: Did I ask you that?! I .. haha .. um .. I was just curious, that's all.

LARRY: Uh, how about you? Seeing anybody?

ALLY: Oh, the usual .. you know.

LARRY: (Nods rapidly several times. Lowers head, looks up over glasses): ... fathers ... sons ... triplets?

ALLY: Whatever!! (Long pause): Actually, I've been dating someone for a couple of months now. His name is Clay.

LARRY: Clay. Hmm. (Leans back against the seat. Looks curiously out of the corner of his eye): And, how are things with ... ?

ALLY: Well ... I don't .. it could be .. maybe .. something ... I think ...

LARRY: Hmm, that good, huh?

ALLY: (Dirty look): I have to pee!




This is when it all fell to pieces. The scene called for Ally to crawl over Larry to get to the bathroom, fall into his lap. Larry was then supposed to put his arms around her waist, with Ally disgustedly disengaging herself from his embrace and continuing on her way. Instead:




ALLY: (Climbs over Larry to get to the aisle, loses balance, falls into his lap.)

ROBERT: (Grabs Calista and wrestles her down, pinning her to the seat, his lips almost touching hers): Hey, baby, where do you think you're going?




"CUT!" Bill scratched his head. "Page 32, from the top."




ALLY: (Dirty look): I have to pee! (Climbs over Larry to get to the aisle, loses balance, falls into his lap.)

ROBERT: (Grabs Calista and turns her face close to his): Kiss me, you fool!




"CUT! Top of page 32. Again!"

"Rolling. Scene #62, Take #15. Marker. Action:"




CALISTA: (Dirty look): I have to pee! (This time she decides not to take a chance, but rather balances herself and stands on the edges of the seat to step over him. It made little difference.)

ROBERT: (Stands at just the right moment, grabs her and throws her over his shoulder fireman's style.)




Bill's assistant threw up his arms and looked at the director. Bill just covered his eyes with one hand and with the other he resignedly signaled to let the camera keep rolling:




ROBERT: (Runs down the aisle with Calista over his shoulder. She laughs uncontrollably. He deposits her at the door of the powder room): There ya go. Curb service. Need a ride back?

CALISTA: (Unable to stop laughing): You idiot. Now, I really DO have to pee!




In desperation, Bill yelled, "CUT!" He sat there watching them, and then started laughing, too. "Okay, you two, I'm begging. There's only one more scene after this, so can we put this one in the can and hopefully get out of here before midnight?"

Calista and Robert looked at each other and cracked up. "Okay," Robert said, holding up his hands to show that his fingers were crossed. Looking at Bill, he put on a serious face, "No, really, we'll be good."

They finally finished. Bill was thankful that Robert and Calista managed to get through the final scene of the day with only a few more shenanigans. But, he knew that when the two of them were together, nobody ever knew what was going to happen.

They wrapped for the day at 8:30 and Robert and Calista were still laughing on the way home. "I had fun," Robert said.

"Me, too." Calista could tell he was thinking about Indio. "Robert, wanna stay for dinner?"

He looked at her questioningly. "Why, Ms. Flockhart, are we in a rut?"

She grinned, "It's just that I could use the company."

Turning toward her, he smiled. She was transparent and Robert loved the fact that she didn't want him to be alone tonight. "Hmm. Ya miss me when I'm not around, huh? Okay, you've got a deal. But let's get take out so we don't have to cook. What'ya feel like?"

She thought for a minute before stating decisively, "Anything but an In-n-Out burger."

Robert laughed, "God, that was a lame excuse, huh?"

"Yep. For someone as brilliant as you, I'd of thought you'd have ‘em all numbered. Ya know, like this is the time for excuse #9 ... #11 would be good here ..."

Looking playfully contrite, he admitted, "Yeah, but, for some reason I wasn't thinking too clearly back then."

"Oh, really?!" she exclaimed in mock surprise. Then, changing the subject, she asked, "How about pizza?"

"Nah. How about Chinese?" he countered.

"You and your Chinese. Okay, what the hell."

"Uh ... you wouldn't consider calling Warren to see if I could get an overnight pass, would you? And, then let me sleep on your couch? He trusts you and ... we've got at least another day at the airport before we go back to the set."

"You're really pushing it, Robert," Calista chided. But, she knew she'd let him stay because she didn't want him to be alone tonight. "All right, all right. I'll call Warren. But, don't expect this to be an everyday occurrence."

"Friends do let friends sleep on their couch, you know," he said looking at her out of the corner of his eye. "And, trust me ... sometimes friends even let friends ‘live' on their couch."

She looked upward, "He can't help himself, God."

Over dinner, Robert told her, "Attenborough offered me the lead in his upcoming period piece about the signing of the Declaration of Independence. I'd be playing the Englishman instrumental in putting it all together - and putting his life on the line."

"Have you read the script?"

"No. But, if it's Sir Richard, I don't have to," he acknowledged. "I mean, Chaplin netted me an Oscar nomination. And, the best part is they won't be filming abroad. Talk is they're gonna shoot the London scenes somewhere around Boston and Maine. Filming's supposed to start in mid-January or February, meaning I'd still be able to wrap up Ally with you - if my scenes aren't already finished by then. I think I'm flattered. He purposely held up production until after the first of the year, hoping, but not knowing if I'd be available. What'ya think?"

"I think WOW!"

He gave her a flirtatious wink, "I even asked him if they needed a beautiful, flaxen haired, brown eyed girl, to play my wife - or lover."

"And?"

"Well, unless they do major rewrites, it looks like I'm not gonna be married in this one, nor, it seems, am I gonna have any love interest at all. And, I'm just gettin' used to playin' the soulful, sexy type," he pouted.

"Oh, boo-hoo," she volleyed. "How about ‘Hamlet' and the book you optioned, ‘Saints?' Are they still in the works?"

"Yeah, to both, as far as I know. Mel's into a couple other things so Hamlet probably won't happen till the middle or end of next year. And, I'm still looking for a playwright for Saints after which, of course, there's the insignificant matter of raising some capital. But, hey, it's cool, I've got a ton of offers to shift through, including a couple of recording stints. One of the networks is even after me to do another children's Christmas special.

"Well, looks like you're gonna be a busy boy, just don't overextend, okay. And, before you jump all over me ... I'm not preaching ... it's just that I care."

He smiled, "I'd like to jump all over you."

"You promised to be good, remember?

"Yep," he said, giving her a wicked grin, "and, I could be very, very, *good* - if you'd let me."

"Behave, Robert!"

"Okay, okay," he said contritely. "And, no, I'm not gonna take on too much, too soon - not this time."

"Good." she replied. "You know, you're probably the only guy in the world that's in more demand because of notoriety," she grinned. "I'll bet you could get away with murder."

"Um.. isn't murder your thing?" he asked drolly, "No ... no ... me? No, manslaughter, maybe .. but murder, nuh uh."

"I'm serious," she said, giving him a lovingly exasperated look, "if you killed someone, I bet your fans would say you were just helping out with the population control."

He laughed. "Hey, let me open your fortune cookie," he said, grabbing it.

She wrestled it back from him, "No, it's mine, I'll do it."

"Then, do it. I wanna know what it says."

"You tell me what yours says first."

He said, "Nope, you go first."

"You."

"No, you."

"You."

They sat there glaring at each other like two four year olds and then burst out laughing.

"Oh, all right you big baby," Calista said, breaking down and opening hers first. She read it and smiled. "Now you."

"I wanna know what yours says," Robert whined.

"After you tell me."

"No. You first. Come on."

"Oh, Robert! Okay, how about this. You open yours and we'll tell each other together," she bargained.

Closing one eye, he looked at her suspiciously. "Promise?"

She crossed her heart.

He broke open his cookie and his face became very pensive as he read his fortune.

Calista knew Robert believed in horoscopes, fortune cookies, Tarot cards, and other things in the mystical vein and she was hoping his fortune wasn't something ominous.

"Okay," he said finally, holding up his palm and motioning with his fingers, "give."

"No," she squirmed.

"You promised."

"We promised together!"

"You first," he insisted.

"Why do you always have to get your way?"

He shrugged and pouted sweetly, "I don't know, I just wanna."

"Fine!" Twisting her mouth into a wry grin, she said, "It says, ‘Trust in the love you've found, it will see you through'."

Robert's dark eyes smoldered and burned into her.

His gaze unnerved her and she looked downward. Finally, she asked, "Okay ... you happy, now?"

He lowered his eyes to her lips as she looked up at him. "C'mon," she said fidgeting, "a deal's a deal, what's yours say?"

He opened his mouth to say something but then closed it, purposely stalling.

"Robert!"

Again, he made a false start before saying. "Nah. You're not gonna believe it."

"I'm gonna kill you, Robert. Tell me!"

He grinned at her sweetly and read, ‘The heart you hold in yours won't let you fail'."

Calista said, "It does not."

"Yeah, it does."

"Let me see."

"If you show me yours."

"You first."

"No, you."

They started laughing again, realizing they were always competing, seeing who could outdo the other.

They swapped fortunes and discovered that they did indeed say exactly as each had stated. A meaningful look passed between them.

Robert peered deep into Calista's eyes, hoping they would reveal what she was feeling. "I love that you cared enough not to want me to be alone tonight."

She glanced down shyly.

He got a mischievous look on his face, wondering if she'd remember a scene from last season. "You think you can just fix everything," he said, grinning.

It took her several moments to look up, and when she did, she gave him a Machiavellian smile and said, "Well, the alternative was too unthinkable."

His eyes were full of love as he reached out and caressed her face with the back of his hand.

*******************



Author: shirley fry
E-mail: emtnest@worldnet.att.net
Thanks to: Helen, for inspiring a few paragraphs and
for the insightful medical/psycho references. Much appreciation
to Charlotte for her guidance as my editor/musical director.

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