I wish I could say that I'm over you, but I can't. Every other thought on my mind is you. Your name dances on my memory relentlessly. As much as I wish I could stop I can't...you're all I think of...Larry Paul. You were my knight in shining armor, you were the sunshine in my rainy days, and you were the clown who chased away my sorrow.

The day you left, I thought I would die. Now I know everyone says that when the person they love leaves, but I mean this. I mean it with all that I am. I find it hard to deal with the fact that I have to live on and you aren't by my side. I find it hard to watch movies with happy couples and I find it even harder to watch them in real life. Half the time I just want to beat them all over the head and yell how it won't last because the bastard will leave with a note. Some would call me psychotic, but I just call myself hopeless.

When you came into my life, it seemed too good to be true. I remember hearing that song by Frankie Valli in my head once night when we were out at dinner. I really couldn't take my eyes off of you. It was exciting just to anticipate what you would do and/or say next. You were a walking unpredictability. I fell for you, and I fell for you fast. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. I've loved people in the past, okay maybe only like two others, but I have loved them and I've gotten over them just fine. For some reason you haunt me like a bad ghost story. You're the ghost that never leaves. You don't just haunt my house or a certain place I reside in, you haunt me; you haunt my heart inexhaustibly. I would think floating around in my hollowness would get old, but for some reason, your efforts are continuous.

I'm looking for a way to feel you hold me
Feel your heartbeat, just one more time

I've often thought of looking you up in Detroit in the past, but my consciousness always gets the better of me. I then begin to realize that you left me and there's nothing I can do about it. Why dwell on it?

What kills me the most is that I never saw this coming. I never saw the signs. I had always suspected that it was too good to be true, but I honestly let myself get lost in your love and your touch and your everything. Getting lost is what has caused me to lose the one thing that meant the most in the whole world to me

Reaching there trying to touch the moment
Each precious minute that you were mine

While you yourself seemed too good to be true, it just seems impossible that I've lost you. We spent many a nights walking home together, taking in the cool night air, wrapped up in each other's thoughts. I never thought I would understand you and while I now know I never did, I always thought the exact opposite. I always thought that I finally had you figured out and that you loved me as much as I loved you. Little did I know that day-by-day, you was slipping away from me more and more; at least that's the impression I get.

How do you prepare
When you love someone this way
To let them go a little more each day?

As much as I wish it never happened, multiply that by two and it shows how glad I am I had you in my life and I had your love and everything seemed in place...for those single moments in my life.

The stars we put in place
The dreams we didn't waste
The sorrows we embraced
The world belonged to you and me
And the oceans that we crossed
The innocence we lost
The hurting at the end
I'd go there again cause it was beautiful
It was beautiful

Every night after work, I sit in my office and I look out the window. The stars are quite the sight for sore eyes. I look at all the scattered lights among the city of Boston and I feel my heart yearn for someone to share this peaceful moment with. To be honest, this moment is anything but peaceful. It would be if I weren't still wallowing in my pain. My loss and suffering seems childish and pathetic, but I will admit I find a peace in my suffering. I think I've just become to used to being alone that this is second nature to me.

A normal day goes very much like that, but then there are days where I literally let the tears fall down. The memories of you become overwhelming and I can't seem to help myself when I pray and pray that maybe you will walk through my door and ask what I wanted to do that night.

Some days missing you is overwhelming

Sometimes I actually hear your voice and I turn around only to be greeted by my closed door and then I feel a cold breeze come from nowhere. As I hug myself, it hits me.

When it hits me, you're not coming back

I turn around and the city of Boston becomes my closest friend again. I start thinking and it just makes no sense. I overanalyze whether I've been a bad enough person to deserve this unhappiness and heartbreak. This is when I truly wonder whether I want eternal content ness or that brief sublime bliss, you know, the kind of bliss that you wait your whole life for and when you find it, you think that you've found the person you'll spend the rest of your life with.

And in my darkest hours I have wondered
Was it worth it for the time we had?

My thoughts get kind of scattered
The one thing I know is true

I am lucky to have found that one person to love for the rest of my life. I just wish you felt the same way about me.

I bless the day I found you

The stars we put in place
The dreams we didn't waste
The sorrows we embraced
The world belonged to you and me
And the oceans that we crossed
The innocence we lost
The hurting in the end
I'd go there again cause it was beautiful
It was beautiful

Our love defied all rules. Every single person that had told me I could never find that one single love that was "it" was proved wrong by you and me. I feel like you and I showed him that it could and would work. I woke everyday next to you and wondered how I got so lucky. When you left, it was like everyone was right. Like when Billy said love was wasted on me, he was completely right; almost as if you had heard Billy's warning and ran out quickly. How could he? How could Billy curse me with such harsh words? And then there's John. I remember him saying that while people might be capable of finding the love of their lives, there's no way it would work, and he made sure to specify that it went specifically well with me. How can I be so cursed in love? No, you know what? I'm not cursed. I found you, I did, and you found me, and we found each other. I found myself in you and if it weren't for you, I don't think I ever would have found myself. If I never found you, I never would have found myself; now that, I am eternally grateful for.

Oh, the rules we stepped aside
The fear that we defied
Oh the thrill of the ride
The fire in our hearts that burned
The oceans that we crossed
The innocence we lost
The hurting in the end
I'd go there again cause it was beautiful
So beautiful
It was beautiful

Ally

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