The REAL rules of skate guarding

The REAL Rules of Skate Guarding

You may not know, you may not even care, but I work as a skate guard at the local ice arena. They pay is good, the work is fun, but sometimes you just gotta wonder at the instructions and rules they gave us...so here is my spoof:

Duties
Revised 10/24/04

The primary function of skate guards is the "safety" and "welfare" of "all" skaters, to maintain (some semblance of) order, and to administer first aid. They are directly (or indirectly) responsible to the Director of Recreation and his assistants.

1. Responsible for the safety and welfare of all the skaters using the arena. This rule of course does not apply to hockey players, old or young.
2. Check ice before each session and at intermission before skaters are allowed back on ice. Make any nessecary repairs. In other words, go skate around the rink a couple of times really fast while there's nobody else out there and the ice is really nice. Shove your way through the masses of kids lined up, but do NOT let them on until you've made sure that nothing drastic has suddenly happened to the ice.
3. Keep ice in good condition thorughout the session. Again does not apply if there are hockey players. Entails having an ice make halfway through the session so that everyone can take a break and go buy food from the concession stand so they hockey boosters can make money.
4. Enforce Arena rules and regulations (see below).
5. To render disicpline on a temporary basis such as sitting a skate out for 15 or 20 minutes, sending them home for the remainder of the session, or suspending them for one day (because oh so many people skate during both sessions). If the Skate Guard feels that further discipline is needed, it should be brought to the attention of the Director of Recreation and a decision on how best to handle the problem will be worked out. Also known as: Keep an eye on the little hockey players and don't let them be jerks and slide around on the ice on purpose. Get to know them enough that if one "bad" kid goofs off once, throw him out.
6. Fill out accident report on all accidents. Be specific on the acciedent report as to what happened to cause the accident of the injured person (such as "fell down because didn't know how to skate" or "was run into by a hockey player").
7. To assume any other duties as may be necessary for the successful operation of the Arena. Such as make sure someone turns the music on and the colored lights on.
8. Guards are not to "visit" with other skaters, friends, or family members while on duty. However, spending the entire time talking to the parents of ice arena frequenters (ie Hockey players and figure skaters and generally ice-obsessed people) is ok. They provide the rink with lots of money.
9. Make certain all skaters skate while on the ice. Except when they are not skating, in which case move them over to the side boards or the center. Loitering will not be tolerated in either the center of the ice or along the side boards. Skaters, including family members, are not permitted in the hockey team boxes or penalty boxes. Unless, of course, a skate guard ok's it, leading everyone in the whole rink to want to use the boxes during the rest of the session.
10. Only high school graduates and/or persons 19 years of age or older will be permitted to skate during the adult skate; all others will be asked to leave the ice. In the event that an adult skate actually occurs, that is, which is only once or twice per year.
11. Guards are to remain on the ice at all times during skating sessions. Do not leave the ice to sit down, relax, and socialize or go to the concession stand. Unless, of course, you need to sit down, relax and socialize or go to the concession stand, in which case you should NOT inform the other skate guard that you are leaving, but just disappear and leave them to wonder.
12. Guards are permitted during intermission only to go into the corrideor to visit the concession stand. When, of course, it is impossible to get food and eat it within 15 minutes due to the line; and which you would have known had you seen rule #11.
13. At no time will the use of profane language be tolerated by the Skate Guards. Which means Skate Guarders must go around and listen in on others conversations carefully to make sure there is no use of profanity. Since we are restricting skaters for using profanity, it will not be tolerated from any of our staff members. Unless, of course, nobody hears you. In general, disregard this rule.
14. One skate guard should reamin at the gate where the skaters enter and exit the ice during all intermissions for safety reasons. Except nobody ever does; leave, sit on the front steps and talk, and then return at the end of the ice make.

Rules:
Employees are not permitted to allow family members, friends, or anyone else to enter a public skating session free of charge. Public skating employees are not admitted free of charge when they are off duty, even though they used to be and they should be and this now totally sucks and makes everyone wonder why anyone works there anymore.
The rules and regulations contained herin are designed for your convenience and protection (against your own stupidity since you couldn't figure these out by yourselves).
1. Personal property and possessions are brought at owner's risk. So don't complain to us when you lose something! Even though everyone leaves all their stuff unattended in the seats.
2. To insure the pleasure and safety of all skateers, members are requested to confine their skating to they type called for (such as backward, clockwise v. counterclockwise, girls-only, boys-only, couples, or adult). When they are called for. Each skater shall be constantly alert to avoid injury or annoyance to others (not included: hockey players of any age, little kids who don't know how to skate, and everyone except the average person). Just like to note that the last half had nothing whatsoever to do with the first.
3. It is recommended that all skaters wear guards on their skates when not on the ice. This is for the protection of you own skates and of the rink floor. Except that 99% of persons rent skates and therefore do not have guards, and the other 1% don't have anywhere to put their guards where they can use them, employees included.
4. Do not block enterance and exit areas, unless you are taking pictures of your adorable kids. Skaters should not run or shove while entering/exiting ice surface. CAUTION should be used at this point to prevent collision and injury. (I think we need CAUTION tape here).
5. Sittig on or climbing over dashers is not permitted. Skaters are not permitted to sit in the hockey team boxes or penalty boxes, except when permitted by the guards, as stated in guard duties.
6. The throwing of snowballs, gloves, hats or other objects will not be permitted or tolerated at any time. Unless a skate guard stole someones hat, in which case it will be permitted.
7. Tag or other games may not be played on the ice. Unless you are a hockey player.
8. All skaters must clear ice promptly at the close of each session when music stops (or fails to stop). No one is permitted on the ice while the resurfacing machine is in operation. They must wait until music begins (even if it never stopped).
9. Pre-school or children under 6 years of age should be accompanied on the ice at all times by a parent or adult (but not nessecarily be WITH the parent or adult).
10. Any member of Hobard Arena staff or authorized personnel may request anyone to leave the ice for any reason of conduct or safety. IE: Hey! You fall over every two steps, someone's going to run over you and you'll both get hurt! off the ice!
11. Skaters are not to "visit" with guards on duty. Unless as stated under guard duties.
12. See duty #10. Because we like to restate ourselves.
13. See duty #9.
14. Skating should be done in a counterclockwise direction unless a special program is being conducted by the management (once in a blue moon). Or, unless the skater feels like going against the flow.
15. Any violation of Arena Rules and Regulations is subject to appropriate disciplinary action.
16. No carrying children on the ice (except when they refuse to skate)
17. There is no smoking permitted.
18. No suckers, gum, candy, etc, allowed while on the ice (so long as the guards can see it...)
19. Absolutely no profanity (so long as the guards can hear it)
20. Do not put skates on except in the first row of seating (but feel free to sit higher after your skates are on and rest your skates on the back of the chair in front of you).
21. Security is to stay 15 minutes after public skating to control the crowd (we don't want any rioting now!)