These Questions
Chapter 6 - Rain in the Alley
Carter didn't listen the first time. He knew he did, but he wouldn't let himself hear anything she said then.
"What?"
"I don't know what you want me to say - "
"No, seriously," he said, then repeated, "What?"
"It's Luka's," she said, beginning to sob. "I - "
"And you felt you had to tell me this?" he said. Of course she had to tell him this, idiot, he said to himself.
"You're my friend, Carter," she said, not daring to look at him. Her tears were running down her cheeks now and onto her coat. "I'm sorry, I just thought - "
"You know that I'm crazy about you, Abby," he said, "so you choose to rub it in my face? The fact that you're with Luka and now you're starting a family."
"John, please," she said through tears. She was struggling to cover them up.
"Abby," he said, starting to get more emotional, but not coming near tears yet. "God, Abby, why him?"
She shook her head. "I'm sorry John, please. I'm sorry - "
"Sorry about what?" Carter demanded. "Sorry about what? You're enjoying him, aren't you?" He stammered as he said, "Don't you love him?"
She started to cry harder. She got up and left, afraid of the tears revealed to everyone else. She started out the door. He saw her rush away. He felt awful. Beyond awful.
He got up as quickly as he could and ran out of the door. All the while, the same thoughts running through his head. No matter what happened, no matter what she said, he was still crazy about her. She was still his best friend.
"Abby," he called. She didn't stop. She walked harder, so Carter ran faster.
He stormed through a dark alley, as it was beginning to rain again, even worse. Thunder rolled, but his mind numbed it out as he searched for her. She was against a wall, crying into her sleeves. He approached her gently and silently, then taking her arms listened as she spoke.
"He's leaving, Carter," she sobbed on. "He's leaving."
"What?" he asked, "What do you mean?"
She shook her head, looking elsewhere. "He's going back to damn Europe."
"Have you told him, Abby?" he asked, disregarding his feelings from before. "About the - "
"No," she said, "and I don't want to."
"Abby, he has a right to - "
"I don't love him, Carter," she said. "I never have, and I never will. I don't want to, Carter. He doesn't love me either."
She was crying too hard for herself to bear now. She collapsed into the wall beside them again. He grabbed her shoulder and spun her around, sheltering her in his chest. The rain beat down on them in the middle of the alley.
"You love him Abby, you do," he said, trying to be the friend. Trying to be the one to make her happy. He thought he could bring the family back together in that instant. At least make her happy.
"I don't love him," she said. "I don't want to."
She fell back into his coat, her arms encircling his waist. He knew he shouldn't be so selfish, but he couldn't help but shudder in pleasure with the touch of her arms around him again. He held her tight, still in the center of the downpour.
"But you're having a baby now, Abby," he said. "Can't you work something out with him?"
She didn't answer. She cried into him, taking advantage of her comforter. For a while, they sat there until Carter spoke again.
"Why Luka, Abby?" he said, light tears starting from his eyes. He hugged her tighter, closing his eyes when her hair surrounded him. "Why not me?"
She cried on. "God, you're my best, my best friend. I love you, John." She reached up without looking at him. Touching his lips, then his cheek while her face was still buried in his chest. "Too much."
He breathed out, considering the words in disbelief. "I love you." His tears came harder now, not sure if they were still of sorrow, or of a different feeling. "God, Abby. I love you."
She reached up and touched his face again. He closed his eyes and secretly embraced it. He held her hand to his cheek and kissed it. He kissed the top of her head, just barely and cried into it again.
She looked up at him. Carter wanted to kiss her, but he didn't. He wouldn't dare. Not now, if ever.
"Why are you so good to me?" she choked through tears. "After all I've done to you. Why?"
He didn't answer her. Instead he pulled her closer to him and closed his eyes with the feeling of her so close to him. Soon he took her hand and took her from the alley. She willingly followed him, trusting him again, for the first time in a while. She began to let up in her crying, but she still wept. Carter stayed strong, for her. Her sudden gasps of the tears' aftermath brought her closer yet to him.
She wasn't afraid to be close to him. Thankfully, he kept her near, frightened to lose her again. She held on to him so tightly, while they crossed the streets, walked along the sidewalks, and finally up to her home.
"God," she said. "It's almost one. I'm sorry. You must be late getting back."
"They don't need me," he said, grabbing her shoulder. "It's okay if I get back late."
She smiled and shook her head. She reached out shyly and took him into a hug. He was taken by surprise. With his eyes almost wide open, he put his arms around her slowly.
"Will you stay here with me," she stuttered, "...tonight?"
He looked at her.
"Just after work," she said. "If it's not too much... you know..."
"No," he said suddenly. "I mean, no. It's not trouble."
"Really?" she asked, wiping away a few stray tears. "You wouldn't mind?"
He shook his head and whispered, "No. Let me call Kerry, okay?"
She nodded and opened the door. They walked together inside. She shrugged her coat off and let it fall to the floor. He frowned when she wasn't looking. He was scared for her.
He phoned the ER, and when Lydia answered, he asked for Kerry.
"Dr. Carter?" she asked. "Where have you been?"
"Out," he said.
"But your break ended like half an hour ago," she said. "Weaver's gonna be pissed."
He knew she would be. "I know. Lydia, could you just get her on the phone? It's, um, kind of important." He knew to ease the last few words out of Abby's earshot.
"Of course," she said with a smiling tone. He thanked her and waited for Kerry to bound in angrily.
"John?" she said.
"Kerry," he said, "I know I'm late. I'm sorry. It's just," he slowed and began to whisper. "It's just that something came up and I think Abby kind of needs someone right now."
"I understand," she said.
"God, Kerry. Thank you so much," he said with a grin. He wished she could see him. "This means a lot. I promise I'll pick up another weekend shift or something - "
"Don't worry about it Carter," she said. "You're off. I don't want to pry into anything, but did it go as planned?"
Carter didn't feel intruded by this question. Kerry was a good enough friend to share some things with. "Not as I would have planned. But it was something else."
"Something else?"
"You'll see."
He talked to her just a bit more and finished. He walked over to Abby, who quietly accepted his seat next to her. She leaned into his arm and sighed.
"You better get back," she said simply.
"You're stuck with me for today," he said. "Kerry gave me the day off."
They sat in complete silence for a second. They watched for anything else in the room, out the window to bring them to something but nothing happened.
Abby sighed again: "I'm glad."
[Part 7]