These Questions
Chapter 3 - Battles
The first thing he felt that morning was her warm hand against his face. He remembered her against his body, but didn't see that when he awoke. Instead, as he opened his eyes, he saw Abby just leaving her apartment. He slowly sat up in the bed. He didn't know what to think. But he knew that he was in Abby's room. He needed clothes before his shift.
He was surprised to see himself get up from the comfort of her home and gather to a cab, which he took to his house. His ride was one of just one thought: Abby. The way they were the previous night. It was like nothing before. The entire night was a warm one, filled with the two of their feelings. It was just them. Nothing else in the world. He and Abby.
He was unaware of himself smiling all the while, even as he stepped from the cab to pay the driver and walk to his house. He tried not to disturb any of the house's company as he strode inside. Successful, he immediately arrived at his room to throw on a fresh ensemble and studied himself in the mirror. Good enough.
He rushed through a breakfast, although he knew he wouldn't be late. He felt a sudden anxiousness to see her, for some reason. The "some reason" was apparent.
He had reached County some time later, early for his shift. It was incredibly busy. There were doctors, nurses, and upset patients running around the room. Noise was busting out from all sides. He smiled at the familiar scene and headed towards the lounge. Kerry's head was inside the door as he slipped inside.
"Susan!" she called. "Susan! Come on, get up!"
Susan stirred slightly, causing Carter to laugh a little.
"Aw, Kerry," Susan whimpered. "I've been on for nearly twenty-six hours! I wanna go home." She reluctantly arose from her desired rest.
"Traumas coming out of nowhere, Susan," Kerry said. "This is the busiest I've seen in a while. We're going to need some more help. I've reached nearly everyone."
"Is Abby here?" Carter questioned. He removed his coat and placed it cautiously in his locker as Susan poured herself a glass of coffee.
Kerry nodded hastily and rapped her hand against the counter near Susan. "Let's go. No coffee."
Susan drank as much as she could, but drew it away and started out the door. "I can't feel my tongue."
Carter laughed at Susan's remark and her exhaustion as Kerry left as well. He was in uniform now as Abby walked in.
"Hi," Carter said from his position at the lockers. He moved towards her, but she looked up with a weak smile.
"Carter, wait," she said.
He looked at her oddly. "What is it?" He managed his voice to sound simple. Was it that she didn't want to tell anyone else? She wanted to keep their relationship a secret.
"We can't do this," she laughed. Her laugh wasn't an actual laugh, though.
"Sure we can."
"No," she said. "Carter, we can't."
He finally backed away. "What?"
She turned away. "We can't, Carter." She left the room, letting the door swing against its hinges.
He raced after her. "Abby, wait," he called across the lobby. The room was engulfed in chaos, but he was guessing that he'd still heard her. She hadn't responded though. He spotted and empty curtain area, much to his surprise, and dragged her into it. She barely fought from his grip.
"What are you talking about?"
"Carter, we can't do this," she said, her voice insisting. She didn't let her eyes meet his.
He laughed nervously. "But what about last night?"
"What about it, Carter?" she asked, her voice strong, but at the same time weak. "We, we're friends."
"We slept together, Abby - "
"I'm well aware of it."
He sighed. "I felt something - "
She shook her head with another strong voice. "No," she said. "I'll talk to you later - "
"So, this isn't a big deal then, right?" he said. He was afraid of tears, but fought successfully to hold them back. "We only shared a night together. You kissed me. I kissed you." The near-tears were making his voice quiver slightly. He didn't want her to see him as he felt to collapse.
"I'm with Luka." With this she bit her lip as she looked downward to the floor.
"What?" Everything that he could have feared was soaring through his head. *It was a lie.* That was the first thing that came to his head. But Abby wouldn't lie about that. That disappointed him. He felt weak now, ready to die if he could.
No, he didn't want to die. He never wanted to die. He just really wanted Abby. He couldn't believe what he'd heard. He wanted to shut her out, but at the same time he wanted to take her up in his arms and never let go. Neither option seemed like a possibility.
There was a pause before she continued. All he could hear was the swarming mess outside the thin curtain. "For about one month now. I didn't want to say anything."
"You kissed me, Abby," he suggested.
"It was a mistake," she said. "You're smart, Carter. You'd know that."
"God," he said. "God, Abby."
She couldn't answer and turned away. He felt like crying, but wouldn't let himself come to it. She walked away abruptly and Carter wondered how she felt. If she was hurting. He was. There was so much hurt now.
Carter wasn't in love with her. But he was about as close as one could get.
He was forced to carry on with his day, without tears. It was hard, but he was the victor over weeping in the end. Thankfully, he wrapped himself in a coat at the end of the day and prepared for a night of either fear, regret, or long awaited tears.
-
He was there with her again. Deep in her embrace. But then, he wasn't. His dream wasn't real. The hurt, the pain, the exhaustion was all real. The tears, finally flowing from his eyes, were real if anything was.
[Part 4]