When I look at the clock, I inwardly groan. Just one hour until Susan gets off work and I need to be there when she gets home. I turn my head and glance back at Abby. I can tell she's falling asleep; her breathing is gradually slowing. I lean my head down a little. "Abby," I murmur, "I won't be awake when you wake up." She groans softly, which doesn't really tell me if she heard me or not. "When you wake up, I'll be gone," I tell her again. This time my statement registers in her mind and she slowly sits, rubbing her eyes to wake up.

"Are you leaving now?"

"Not for another half hour. I was planning on watching you sleep. I just didn't want you to be surprised when you woke up." I pat her head gently. "Go back to sleep." She shakes her head like a stubborn child. "No, I can sleep when I'm alone. I want to enjoy the little time we have together." She looks up at me then and smiles. It's the most beautiful smile I've ever seen. She's utterly adorable.

"You're adorable."

She chuckles. "We just had sex. No one is adorable after sex."

"Well you're an exception to the rule."

"How can I be adorable? I'm exhausted, sweaty, and so sleepy that I might just fall asleep on you in the next thirty seconds and I'll drool all over your chest. I don't think that will be adorable."

I grin. "The exhaustion gives you a sense of calm, the sweat adds a nice glitter on your skin, and I'm sure you drool adorably."

Abby winced. "At what point did you start making fun of me?" She is so adorable that I wish I could put her in a glass box with a nice bow on top and keep her there forever. She's one of those people who are so morose that when they are being adorable, they don't realize it. But I do and I damn wish I had a camera so I could cherish this moment forever.

"I was dreaming the other day." She changes the subject suddenly.

"What did you dream about?" I ask.

"You."

My ego swells and my heart bursts. She dreamed about me. When she was lying in bed, in the bed she shared with her husband, she dreamed about me. "Was it X-rated?"

She laughs. "No." She pulls her knees up under her chin and leans closer to me. "I was dreaming about you and me in a suburban house." She looks up at me. "You know those two story houses with a green lawn and a white picket fence."

I smile. I never thought Abby would have dreams like that. "Don't forget the dog."

She chuckles. "No, I'm not. There was a dog. A nice cute dog that won't be mean to Magda."

"Magda's with us?" I ask.

Her facial expression suddenly turns serious. "Magda is everywhere I go. I cannot imagine, even in dreams, a life without Magda." She seems upset now as if even the prospect of a dream without her child in it would take her child away. Does she think that in this idealized dream I wouldn't want Magda? Does she really think that? After everything? Yes, maybe. After everything, she might think that. I never really convinced her otherwise. It's just that child is not just any child. It's her child. And most of all it's Luka's. As lovely as she is, as much as Abby loves her and anything Abby loves, I love too, I still have a hard time accepting this little baby girl.

But I have to reassure her somehow. "Magda belongs with you." I hope it's enough to

reassure her.

~o~

Yes, Magda belongs with me. But what about him? Do we belong together? Sometimes I feel we do, other times, it seems like we're playing with God's wishes. Isn't Magda the one thing that separated us, the thing that put us in the situations we are in right now? She's not going anywhere, she'll always be here, this presence that signifies the failure of our slight attempt at a relationship. Maybe we're not made to be together, to live together. We were only supposed to have this brush of a romance that would fade away when more important things came along.

Yet I can't help but wonder about this dream I've had. It seems that it could have happened. It felt so right. Sharing my life with Carter was right. If only Magda was his instead of Luka's…

"Maybe with a two story house we would have three rooms. One room for us, one room for Magda, and another room for a baby," Carter says in a soft voice tearing me away from my thoughts. My heart stops for a few seconds. Just the thought of a child with Carter is breathtaking. Carter as a dad. Carter as my child's father.

It's too late now. It will never happen. But we can still dream, can't we? "Yes. Another baby. And then when that child and Magda would be old enough, they would come to our room early in the morning and wake up their parents. We would pretend to be annoyed, but really we would be happy to see them."

He smiles. "Having a child together would be wonderful."

"It would." I feel like crying. This can't be happening. Here we are contemplating how much we would have been happy if I hadn't made that one mistake a long time ago. Or if Magda had been his or Luka wasn't in the portrait. I'm glad he and Susan don't have children. I shouldn't be, but I am. In a way I know how Carter feels. He despises Magda just like I would despise any child he has with Susan. But she's my daughter. She's my everything. She's the reason I live. So how can I be in love with a man who despises what I cherish the most?

I'm so deep in thoughts that I don't notice Carter getting dressed. I only realize that he's about to leave when he speaks. "I have to head back. I'll see you at work tomorrow?" He's standing next to the bed, looking down at me. He looks unsure. This is weird. What are we supposed to say? What are we supposed to do? Isn't there an "Adultery for Dummies" somewhere? I think we need a book like that. Since I don't have one of those books with me, I just nod. He turns, ready to leave, but hesitate. He turns back and looks at me, straight in the eyes, and I can see how nervous he feels. "Can I kiss you?" The question surprises me. All the time we've kissed has been on impulse, as if we didn't even think about it, but this time he asks. It's weird to be asked to be kissed. It doesn't seem natural. Then again, I never thought that anyone was a natural adulterer.

I nod again, never taking my eyes off his. He leans down, cups my chin, and kisses me. The sweetest kisses of all. His lips are warm and gentle. He doesn't pry my mouth open, content with the chastity of a close-mouthed kiss. I try to sustain myself from pulling him down on the bed and have my way with him. But I do slide my hands around his neck and sneak my tongue inside his mouth to just touch the tip of his. Just teasing.

We finally separate and I want to whimper at the loss. I want to be with him longer. This is not enough. I want to be with him all the time. As if he read my thoughts, he says, "I have to go."

I suppress the desire to cry. "Okay. Bye." I say this but I still have my arms tight around his neck. He gently takes my hands and untangles them. He stands up, my hands still in his, and gives me a sad smile. He kisses each hand then lets them go. "I'll miss you," he says softly.

And then he's gone.

~o~

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