Abby is now dozing. She isn't sleeping deeply enough to not be able to feel me getting up. She makes small whimpers in protest, but I try to ignore them. When I'm sitting up, I look down at her rested face. She's so beautiful. I could kiss her. Just one last kiss.

So I do. One lingering kiss that wakes her up immediately. She puts her hands on my neck pulling me closer to her. Her lips are so soft and warm. I don't want this kiss to ever end. But it has to end, so I pull away, not far; my mouth merely a couple a of centimeters away from hers. She moans at the loss and opens her eyes slowly. How am I going to leave this bed sane? "I have to go." I murmur. She closes her eyes for a few seconds. When she opens them again, they're watery and sad. She gives a slight nod. "I'll miss you." I whisper, my heart breaking at the thought of never being in her arms again. She inhales sharply, her breath catching in her throat, making my heart break even more. She leans up and kisses me. I barely move my lips, absorbing her sweet caress. When she pulls away, I rub my nose with hers, give her one last quick kiss on the mouth and get up. I pull my jeans and shirt back on, turning my back to her, not sure if I would be able to dress and walk away while she's here, in this bed. When I'm out of the room, I close the door gently, but it doesn't stop me from hearing the soft cries from the room. My heart isn't breaking anymore. It's broken.

~o~

When I hear the door close, I'm lost. It's too much. I start crying. All the sorrow I've felt inside for so long is coming out. My best friend, my lover, my soul mate, is walking out of my home, out of my life, out of my sanity. I wanted to scream, Don't go!, but I knew it was the right thing to do. Now, more than ever, I feel alone. For one night, I've touched what love is all about and it's gone. Whoever said that it's better to have loved and lost than not love at all must have been smoking a lot of weed.

Sometimes I think about that year I was dating Luka. I could have been with Carter. He cared about me even then. But I was just so smitten with the whole "dark, handsome, and mysterious" persona Luka harbored. Even if I was miserable with him, I wanted to make things work. And I knew I always had Carter to talk to. But I never imagined I could be with him. I never imagined it until he shared how he felt. And then everything was confusing. There was this other option, tantalizing option, presenting itself, and I had to make a huge leap of faith to explore that option. Taking risks isn't my forte. Not when I don't have control of the events. I pursued Luka. I went to him, but prepare myself for the rejection. I took control of our relationship as much as I could. I still do it now. With Carter, he was the one pursuing me. I had to let the control go and that's not an easy thing to do. Well, serves me right, that's how I lost him.

I hear cries coming outside of the room, indicating that Magda's awake. I sigh. Back to reality. I put my shirt on and get some pajama bottoms. In less than a minute, I have Magda in my arms. Her fever is completely gone and she is back to her rosy self. She's now squealing in delight as she knows she'll eat soon. I look at the baby in my arms. This is why I'm making all these sacrifices. I must imprint this in my mind.

~o~

When I enter my house, Susan's waiting for me. She doesn't look too happy. "Where were you?" she asks right away.

I already thought about the answer. A man must always be prepared, or something like that. "I was at Gamma's. She's getting worse. I forgot to call. Sorry." I say in an apologetic tone.

Her face immediately softens. "Oh, is she really bad?"

"A little. She's not dying or anything but she's in a lot of pain." Why does lying come so naturally? Am I born to be a liar? About my grandmother, no less. I wonder if I could steep any lower. I sit down next to Susan. "How was work?"

"Fine. Nothing exciting." She said dully. She looks very tired. I wonder if she got any sleep. Maybe she stayed up all night, wondering where I was, what I was doing…I should have at least called. To make matters worse, she scoots closer to me and rests her head on my shoulder. Physical contact is really not something I can take right now. I restrain myself from flinching and try to act as if everything was fine. "I'm going to Phoenix in a month. I'll stay there a while, try to convince Chloe to get into rehab." Susan informs me.

"How long will you be gone?"

"About two weeks. I'll do longer shifts in the next couple of weeks to make up for the time I'll be gone." She explains.

She already works twelve hour shifts almost everyday at the moment, if she takes longer shifts, she'll have a breakdown or something. "Susan, this is ridiculous. You can't work sixteen hour shifts every other day. You'll kill yourself."

She smiles faintly. "Don't worry. I won't work sixteen hour shifts. I'm just changing my eight hour shifts to twelve hour shifts. I'll work twelve hours every day." I frown. I don't want her to get sick. She looks up and notices my frown. Her smile widens. "It's just for two weeks. I'll be fine." If she's trying to reassure me, it's not working. "Besides, Luka's gone for the next week or so, we're short of an attending. He barely gave notice to Weaver. He did two days before he left. Weaver was pissed. She even yelled at Abby for not telling her. Poor girl she didn't even know herself." This new information is interesting. I wonder why he left on such short notice. It doesn't seem like him. Not that I know him very well, but it just doesn't seem like something he would do.

~o~

"Milk." I tell Magda as I dangle the bottle in front of her.

She claps her hands excitedly and cries out, "Mik, mik!" I sigh, resigned that she won't be able to pronounce the 'l' for a while and feed her the milk. She looks so beautiful, so serene when I feed her. She seems in a small place in her head that is beautiful and quite, that has everything she holds dear.

The phone ring interrupts my thoughts. I scoot up Magda in my arms and go to the phone, still feeding her. "Hello?" I say when I pick it up.

"Abby? It's me." Luka answers.

"Hi." I try to sound cheery, but this is dreadful. I didn't expect for him to call so early. I wanted to prepare mentally for this conversation. I can't make him know how guilty I feel. He can't suspect anything.

"How are things? How's Magda?"

"She's fine. She just had a high fever yesterday, but it's gone now." I tell him. I don't want him to quiz me about what I've done last night. I don't think I'll be able to make up a good excuse.

"She was sick? Why didn't you call me?" He sounds offended, hurt. He has the right to be. I should have called him. It should have been the first thing to do. But my mind was elsewhere…all night long. God, he's going to ask me what I've done and whom I called and I'm not going to be able to make up an excuse and he'll find out. He's going to be so hurt and he's going to take Magda away from me. I can't bear it. This is a nightmare. "Abby?" Luka asks, worry in his voice.

I have to get a hold of myself. "Yes. Um, I was too busy trying to bring down the fever. She fell asleep after a few hours and I went to bed. I was really tired so I didn't think about calling you. I'm sorry, next time I'll call you right away." Luka seems satisfied with this explanation and doesn't ask any more questions. He tells me about the convention, which sounds kind of boring, a bunch of snobby doctors who all think that their methods are better than everyone else's. When we both hang up, I'm relieved that I have been able to lie and that he doesn't suspect anything. But the relief doesn't last long. The guilt comes back soon enough. How come it was so easy for me to lie? I did it without really thinking. The lies just came out of my mouth. Am I really such a rotten person? Write my name in the list of the people going to hell.

~o~

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