July 30, 2004

When Luka told me that there was a convention for foreign doctors in the U.S. and that he was thinking of going, I almost jumped out of my skin in happiness. I don't really know why he would go to a convention since he doesn't like to talk to anyone, but I don't care. He's leaving for eight entire days and that's all that matters. Normally, I would have been upset that he's leaving me to care for Magda for that long on such short notice, he only told me about the convention two days ago, but I've been feeling so guilty since the kiss that I couldn't stand being alone with him anymore. Whenever I've been home, I spent all my time with Magda then I'd feign a headache and went to bed early.

He left this morning and I feel like I'm a bird who just escaped from its cage. I feel free and alive, more than I have been for such a long time. Magda's been in bed for over a hour, and I don't have to pretend to be sick. I can stay up and watch cheesy 70s movie. I just wish Carter was here with me. I could curl up and…

My thoughts are suddenly interrupted by cries. I quickly get up and go to Magda's room. I find her red and crying as hard as her lungs allows her to. I immediately touch her skin and notice how hot she is. Without a second thought, I run to the bathroom and get the thermometer. Ten seconds later, I stick the thermometer into her ear. My heart skips a beat when I read 102.3.

What do I do?

God, I'm a nurse and I can't figure out what to do. It's like my mind has gone blank. What should I do?

Call someone.

I reach for the phone and dial the first number that comes to mind.

"Hello?"

"Carter?" I ask nervously.

He immediately detects my anguish. "Abby? What's wrong?" I try to say something but the emotions catch my voice. I can't speak. "Abby?" He sounds even more worried. "Talk to me." Why can't I speak? I'm frozen here while my daughter is about to die.

I take a deep breath. "Magda's burning up. I don't know what to do." And I crack. I start sobbing like a poor helpless damsel. I hate myself.

"How high is her fever?" He asks matter-of-factly.

"102.3" I moan.

"I'll be there in ten minutes." He says hurriedly and hangs up the phone. I am left with the dial tone ringing in my ear and it heightens my despair. I let myself fall on the floor, sobbing. But then I hear the distant sound of Magda's cries, even though she was just two feet from me, and I try to get a hold of myself. I force myself to get up and walk to the crib. I pick up my crying daughter and gather her in my arms. The poor thing is burning up. With the baby in my arms, I go to the bathroom and take a towel. I manage as much as I can to wet the towel in cold water. Then I wipe her body with it. Magda doesn't stop crying and she seems to get hotter by the second.

"ABBY!" I hear Carter cry out.

"IN HERE!" I chock on the "here", making me realize that I am still sobbing as hell.

In less than a second, Carter is by my side and he takes Magda from me. "Fill the baby tub with warm water, not hot or cold, just warm. Turn the A/C to 75 degrees." I obey him without a word while he undresses Magda. When the baby tub is filled, he kneels down next to the bath tub and gently puts her in the baby tub. "Do you have a sponge?" I take a sponge from the linen closet and hand it to him. He sponges the baby's baby soothingly. After fifteen minutes, Magda's cries have subsided and Carter takes her in his arms. I whimper at the sight. Carter smiles gently. "Don't worry, she'll be fine. She just needs to cool off a little. Then sleep while we wash out the rest of the fever." I know this should appease me, but it doesn't really. I won't be reassured until I see her temperature drop below 100. I never knew I could be such a wreck. Thank God for Carter.

~o~

Magda's just fallen asleep with her fever down at 99.5 and Abby has finally calmed down. I thought I had seen her at her worse when she fell off the wagon, but this definitely tops it. To say that Abby loves her daughter is the understatement of the year.

Now, things have calmed down and we're sitting in her living room. I think Abby feels a little stupid about the way she just reacted and I feel totally out of place. I'm in Abby's apartment. The one she shares with her husband Luka. Come to think of it, where is he?

"Where's Luka?" It seems an innocent enough question, no?

"Foreign doctors convention."

I nod, not sure what to say next. Why are things always so complicated between us? Why can't anything be simple?

"Thanks for coming. You didn't have to."

I shrug. I'd go to the moon for her, doesn't she know this by now? "It's no big d-"

She cuts me off. "No, I mean it." This strangely reminds me of something. If I remember correctly, things didn't work out so well. But all this seems so long ago. "I, um, I'm sorry for the way I reacted. Some nurse and mother, I am huh?" She laughs bitterly, proving my suspicions. She feels stupid and inadequate. But who could blame her of being scared to death about her child's well being?

"You're a good mother Abby. And nurse. Don't beat yourself up for this." I half-expect her to rebuff me but she does something completely different instead. She breaks down.

She buries her face in her hands and lets out big sobs. Through her sobs, she murmurs, "If something ever happened to Magda, I think I'd die." She then looks up at me, her face red, eyes swollen and teary. "She's everything I've got. Without her I have nothing. My job doesn't mean anything anymore and my marriage is a joke."

Hearing those words about her marriage makes me unbelievably happy. It shouldn't and I could kick myself a thousand times for feeling this way, but I can't help it. She doesn't love him. But this is not the time to gloat. I scoot closer to her and wrap her in my arms. "Magda is not going anywhere. I promise you that. And she isn't the only thing in your life. I'm here. I haven't always been here, but I am now. I'm there for you."

"As a friend?" her voice is so low that if there had been the slight noise in the room, I wouldn't have heard her.

I hesitate, then answer diplomatically, "I'm here in any way that you need me."

She doesn't say anything but appears to be pleased with my answer. She curls up as close to me as she can, burying her face in my shirt. I rest my head on her shoulder, inhaling her hair. We stay like this for a while. I'm not sure how long, I really can't tell. It seems like forever. But there's always an end to forever. Well when it comes to my life anyway. So after a while, Abby lifts her head up, her tears mostly dried and her eyes extremely serious, and asks, "Why did you kiss me the other day?"

The question surprises me. I thought we weren't going to talk about that incident. I thought it was six feet under and buried forever. But like I just said, there's always an end to forever when it comes to my life. "I thought you didn't want to talk about it. It's best this way." Why did she ask a thing like that? Aren't things complicated enough?

"Do you want to kiss me right now?"

Oh God. I swear if I'd kiss her, she'd let me. But she's too emotionally unstable right now; I'm not taking advantage of her. I untangle myself from her. "I think you've been through a lot tonight and that you should go to bed." I tell her as I get up. I need to get out of this apartment, and fast.

She gets up only a few seconds after I do, and grabs my arm, whirling me around to face her. "I know what I want. I'm not drunk and I'm not that upset." She tells me before she pulls me down and kisses me aggressively. This is such a surprise that I can't even begin to think how to respond. But her kiss is persistent and she keeps on kissing me, seemingly unaware that I'm not responding. Her lips feel so good against mine. No lips have ever fitted on mine as much as Abby's. It's probably all in my head, but that's the way it is. I love her and everything about her. And then I kiss her back. And I do more than kiss her back. I lift her up and she wraps her legs around my waist. Then I spin around and pine her against the living room wall, kissing her jus as aggressively as she did, if not more. Our hands are everywhere, trying to find some small piece of skin. Our groins are rubbing together, causing moans to escape from our mouths. The rubs quickly changed to thrusts and the moans changed to groans. I've never wanted anyone as much as I want this woman right now. "I want you so much." Abby moans against my mouth, echoing my own thoughts.

This is our descent to hell.

~o~

I'm in love. Well I've known this for a while, but somehow the feeling of being in love intensifies by a thousand after you've made love. Here I am wrapped up in his arms and it strikes me that I could ever think I could belong somewhere else. I feel safe and protected. I feel cherished and loved. I feel things I haven't felt in so, so long.

He smells good. I never noticed how good he smells. I can't describe the odor. I don't think there's a name for it. It's just the John Carter scent. And it smells very nice. I rub my nose against his chest, trying to smell him better. I sniff hard. Not thinking that he could actually hear me. "Smell something?" His voice is raw from all the emotions we've just let out.

I look up and am surprised to see his eyes so dark with desire. "You."

"Is it good?" He asks, a tone of amusement in his voice. He's amused but he doesn't make fun of me. Could this man be even more perfect?

"Very good." I rest my head back against his chest. Right where his heart is so I can hear the little bump, bump, bump. He kisses the top of my head, running his fingers through my hair lovingly. Life seems perfect.

But it's not. In a few minutes, I'll wake up and realize that I am married, that I have a child with this man, and that I have responsibilities that my heart can't dismiss. John said so himself, all the sacrifices I've done, am doing, are worth it. They're all worth it for Magda. Magda, who never asked to be at the center of this dramatic love triangle. Magda, who only wants a loving mother and father. Magda, who deserves more than anything to grow in a stable and happy family. I can't believe I've done this. I'm going to be Magda's role model someday. How could I be a good one if I do terrible things like what I've just done last night?

I'm a horrible mother.

~o~

Abby's a wonderful mother. When I grew up, I would have killed to have a mother who loved me that much. I know she wishes she could do everything perfect, but I think she can't do much more perfect than she already does.

Everything about her is near perfection. Her face, her eyes, her nose, her mouth, and her body, her neck, her arms, her legs, her stomach, her breasts, and even that little place of heaven between her legs. And I love her hair. It's so smooth and soft. It smells good. Probably smells better than I do. I can't believe she said I smell good. I don't wear cologne or anything like that except at Gamma's receptions. And I'm certainly not wearing any now.

Oh Abby. How I wish I could tell you that I love you. But some things are better left unsaid. It's already so wrong what we've done. I'm such a terrible person. She was upset and confused and I took advantage of her. I was egocentric and selfish. She just kisses me and nothing else matters but what I feel and what I want. I'm a royal class bastard, that's what I am. I can't always have what I want. And I shouldn't pursue what I can't have. I should have called the paramedics instead of coming here. I know that 102 degrees fever is not a cause to bring a baby to the hospital but the outcome of the night would have been better than this.

I can't do this again. It's not fair to anyone. It's not fair to Abby, to Magda, to Susan, and to Luka. And now I am going to leave this apartment and never look back. From now on, I'm staying away from Abby. I will make sure there will always be a third party if I am ever stuck in a same room with her. I'm leaving this apartment and leaving Abby forever.

In a few minutes.

~o~

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