July 25, 2004

It's been four days since we bumped into Luka and Abby in the park and our moment is the only thing I've had in my mind. She loves me. She told me in her own words, in our own understanding that she does. And now she knows I feel the same. Usually one would think, "what next?" but we can't think that. There's nothing "next". There's just her on one side and me on the other. Our lives can never be intertwined together again, except professionally. And now after everything, after two year of avoidance, I'm willing to seek her. Being with her, even if it's only in the work place, is better than not seeing her at all. Maybe I could encourage Susan to deepen her friendship with her. Then I would have an excuse to see her outside of work.

Even now, I'm roaming around the hallways trying to find her. I check Exam three and there she is, with a woman who seems to be in his seventies. "Are you assisting a doctor?" I ask Abby when I enter the room.

"Um, no, I was going to get Dr. Lewis, but you'll do just fine." She hands me the patient's chart. Headache, vomiting, sore throat. Another flu patient.

"Mrs. Walters?" I ask the woman.

She nods with a warm smile. "I've been feeling very odd lately doctor. My head hurts, it's a nightmare." She holds my arm tightly. "Could it be cancer?"

I glance over at Abby who smiles in compassion. I swear if there wasn't such a hype about cancer in the media, we would have less people coming here scared that they have cancer instead of just having the flu. "I don't think so Mrs. Walters. It's probably the flu but we'll just make sure." The older woman seems to relax a little and leans back. I examine her briefly, ask a few questions, but it's obviously the flu. "Do you have anyone we can call to come pick you up? Children, friends, neighbors?"

She frowns slightly. "I have a daughter. She lives in New Mexico…or is it New Hampshire?" She shakes her head angrily. "I can't remember!"

"Don't worry Mrs. Walters, we'll find your daughter for you. Nothing to worry about." Abby says gently, trying to calm her down.

"Do you take any medicine?" I ask her.

"Um some pills. I don't remember what they are called. I take them twice a day. Or three times. I'm not sure." She says, confused. She seems to get more distressed by the minute.

"Alright, it's not very important." I try to appease her. "I just need to keep you in the hospital for a little bit. We'll be right back. Just try to get some rest. I'm going to consult another doctor to make sure you don't have cancer, and Abby, here is going to look for your daughter." Mrs. Walters smiles gratefully and closes her eyes.

"We should get a neurology consult in, because it looks like Alzheimer's. Ask Jerry to find her daughter and we need to know what kind of medicine she's taking. I doubt she's taking enough medicine." I tell Abby once we are out of the room.

"Alright." She answers and heads for the desk. Just those few moments of interactions will probably be the highlight of my day.

~o~

"This is Dr. Hicks. He's going to take you to do a few tests, Mrs. Walters." John tells the old lady.

"Will it hurt?" She looks at me frightened.

"No." I reassure her. "We just want to make sure you're alright. Your daughter will be here in two or three hours."

"We'll take good care of you, I promise." Dr. Hicks tells Mrs. Walters. He smiles warmly to her and wheels her out of the exam room, leaving Carter and I alone.

I'm not sure what to say so I decide to ask him about Suzie. "Did Chloe consent to leave Suzie under your care?"

He sits down on the bed and looks at his hands. We don't handle being alone together all that well. Look at everything but the other. "Yeah, Susan's going to Phoenix in a couple of weeks. She's going to take a month off work to settle Suzie in."

"It's going to be a big change." Well, duh. God, could I sound more pathetic?

He shrugs. "Yeah, but I don't mind. It's sort of too quiet with just Susan sometimes. It can be… a little lonely."

I understand what he means. I'm glad Magda's around. It's so weird when I'm just with Luka. I don't know what to say, don't know what to talk about, I just don't feel comfortable, but I didn't know Carter felt the same about Susan. They have such an easy camaraderie. Luka and I are just two people frozen, not sure what to do or say constantly finding ourselves walking on eggshells around the other.

I sit down next to him, leaving a small space between us. "Marriage isn't what it's all cracked up to be, huh?" I manage a small smile, trying to be as humorous as possible.

"You know, I've always imagined marriages with comfort, trust, and simplicity. Me and the woman I love, sitting on a couch watching some cheesy 70s movie, half-asleep, and the real reason why we're still awake is because we want to be with each other. I know it's romanticized, but I just wanted something simple and nice, just something that makes you realize that your life couldn't be any other way." Someone kill me now. If that one fateful night, I had been brave enough to go to Carter instead of Luka, we wouldn't be in this whole mess. We would be living this thing he's describing so well. I want to scream, That's what I wanted! Social etiquette tells me that whatever feeling I harbor toward this man must be contained as I am bound for life with another man. But is social etiquette here now? Hell no!

"I'm sorry. For everything. I've failed you in so many ways." I say this softly. I feel like I'm sinning or breaking the law with those words.

He jerks his head up but avoids my gaze. He stares at the wall, at some undefined point. "I've failed you too. In the worst way a man could fail a woman. I let you go when you were pregnant and needed me the most." He stays silent for a few moments before saying, "We both created this abyss that we fell into, I guess."

"An abyss we have to get out of eventually." He then looks at me, probably wondering what I mean by this. I'm not even sure I know. I just feel imprisoned. Imprisoned in my own life.

His eyes are so intense that I think I forgot how to breathe. If he leaned down a little and I leaned up, we could kiss. If we were braver, we could kiss. If things were different, we could kiss. If, if, if…we could kiss.

"Carter, drowned baby coming in. ETA 2 minutes." Haleh bursts in.

Back to real life.

~o~

I look at the small baby girl being wheeled out of the trauma room by Haleh. How anyone could try to drown such an innocent little being is beyond me. I glance over at Abby who definitely seems on edge. "That baby isn't Magdalena you know." I say as softly as possible, but she jumps in surprise at the sound of my voice anyway.

"I know." She simply answers, but the knowledge doesn't seem to appease her at all.

"Abby…" I walk slowly toward her, making sure I'm not scaring her away.

She finally tears off her eyes from the trauma room doors and looks at me. "It's just reminded me how defenseless children are. No matter how much you try to protect them you can't be at their side every second of every day, which leaves them vulnerable. The man who tried to drown that baby could have drowned any baby. What if it had been mine?"

I walk closer and closer. "But it wasn't."

Her eyes are starting to tear up as she bites her lower lip nervously. "But it could have been Magda." She murmurs. I am so close to her now that I can hear her breathe and I know that if I took one step closer, I would feel her breath on my neck.

I take a step closer.

She immediately looks up so she can look at me right in the eyes. I can see all the love and fear she has for her daughter. I can her inner turmoil. I gently cup her face, caressing her cheeks with my thumbs. "But it wasn't." I say again, my voice barely above a whisper.

And the look in her eyes change. I still see the fear and love for her child, but I also see love. Love for me. The sight overwhelms me so much that I do the unthinkable. Well rather the undoable. I've thought about it countless times the past few years, but I never quite imagined that I would have the nerve to do it.

I kiss her.

Then the most unbelievable thing happens: she kisses me back. And then it all goes to hell. All I can think of, all that my mind can actually process, is her lips, her tongue, her hands, her warmth. I have her. For the all too brief moments that we are kissing, she's mine. My hand is already snaking underneath her shirt, caressing her back. When I feel her bra, I automatically unhook it. I don't even think about doing it, I just do it. Now I truly understands what the expression 'he thinks with his dick instead of his brain' means.

Well that certainly gave Abby a warning bell. As soon as the bra was unhooked, she jumped at least two feet back. She looks at me as if I was a hunter and she was my prey. She rapidly hooks her bra back, straighten herself out, and the next thing I know, I'm all alone in the trauma room.

~o~

I cheated on my husband. I've committed adultery. Just when I think I couldn't do anything worse, I manage to do something really bad. Luka is a good man. He takes care of me and of our daughter. He wouldn't do something like this. He wouldn't even dream about it. I think it's beyond his general knowledge about life.

I should repent the remainder of my life. I should spend every waking minute trying to please Luka. I should think about what a wonderful man he is and how good he is for me. Even if he doesn't kiss nearly as good as Carter does, it doesn't give me the right to compare him or to even think about kissing Carter.

I am terrible person. I can't believe I actually thought that another man kisses better than my husband. I shouldn't even think it, let alone acknowledge it. I shouldn't even think how good it felt to be in John's arms, how that one simple kiss meant much more to me than all the times I've made love with Luka. I shouldn't think how this kiss shattered my world and actually made me forget about my life for two minutes, how it made me forget I even had a daughter. How could I? My daughter, my joy, my life, I forgot about her existence. Even if it was for two minutes. I can't see him again. Well I don't have a choice in that matter, but I can't be left alone in a room with him. It's too dangerous. It's too wrong.

"Ready to go?" A voice behind me asks.

I turn around and look at my husband. I wonder if he can see the guilt in my eyes. He smiles warmly at me, so if he does see it, he's hiding it well. "Yes." I answer him. "Let me get my coat." I walk to the lounge, hoping that my demeanor is completely casual. As I walk in, there's only one person in the room, and of course it's John Carter. Wasn't I the one saying that I couldn't be left alone in the same room with him anymore? Well so much for a resolution. I go to my locker as fast as possible without being too obvious and I unlock it. Taking my coat and closing my locker, I turn around swiftly; ready to head for the door just as fast. No such luck, he's right in front of me.

"Listen about earlier - "

I don't give him time to continue. "Nothing happened. There's nothing to talk about."

He looks like he's about to protest but ultimately changes his mind. I almost breathe a sigh of relief. I smile tightly. "Night Carter." He only nods and I head off.

Crisis avoided.

~o~

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