July 21, 2004

There's not much more enjoyable than watching your child playing in a playground with her father. Both of them are covered with sand and washing their clothes is the last thing I worry about. She looks so happy. My daughter is happy. If I can keep her that way for the next twenty years or so, I think I'll consider motherhood and my life as a whole, a success.

"Good morning Abby."

I tear my eyes off my family and look up. Susan Lewis is standing there, smiling brightly, with Carter at her side. Susan and I were starting a close friendship when I was pregnant, then she married John and we gradually drifted apart. I really miss her friendship. It was nice to have a female friend to talk to. "Hello Susan." My eyes wandered to John's. "Hi Carter." He simply nods.

"Mind if we join you?" Susan asks, her voice not faltering once. It's odd how we all pretend as if everything in the world is fine as it's supposed to be.

"Not at all." I scoot a little to the left, leaving some space for Susan and Carter to sit down. As I expected and hoped, Susan sat beside me and John sat beside her. "How have you two been? It's been a while since we talked."

Susan nodded. "Far too long. We've both been good. We're thinking about fostering my sister's daughter. I've told you about her."

I remember one night, sitting on Susan's couch when we confessed some of our secrets. She told me a lot about Chloe and her niece. I nod and answer, "Suzie, right? Did something happen to your sister?"

"Her husband died last year. She fell off the wagon again and social services decided to put Suzie in a foster home. I made a few calls and with Chloe's consent we should have no problem in fostering her." She turned to Carter. "I am unbearably thirsty. Would you mind getting me a bottle of water."

"Sure." He simply says and leaves.

Now Susan has many good qualities but subtlety isn't one of them. I wonder what she wants to tell me that is so personal that she wants Carter to leave. I call her on it. "What's up Susan?"

She looks at me innocently. "What?"

"What do you want to talk about without the presence of Carter?"

She smiles gently. "I'm not a very good liar, am I?"

"Well I've seen better."

She laughs nervously and takes a deep breath before speaking. "Do you think we should foster Suzie? I'm not sure if John will be involved enough."

Why is she asking me this? Me of all people. I don't know Carter anymore. I don't know what's on his mind, what he's thinking, what keeps him awake at night, if I keep him awake at night…there I am wondering again in a road I should not go, especially in front of Susan. "Carter loves children."

"He does." She nods but something else is on her mind, I know.

"But what?" I enquire.

"He has a bad history of not wanting to do anything with children that aren't his." Her voice is low like she's speaking of the devil in front of God.

Ah ha. The cat is out of the hat. He doesn't have a bad history of children that aren't his, how could he? He doesn't have any. He just doesn't like children of the women he's involved with that aren't his. "Magda is a complete different story. He doesn't like her because she's Luka's not because she isn't his." I'm surprised at how bitter my voice is. It seems that this two minute conversation is far more revealing than any conversation I had the past couple of years. Suddenly, I feel uncomfortable. I don't like being so vulnerable in front of someone, I tend to get hurt really bad when I do. So I'm eternally glad when I see Luka approaching, Magda in his arms. "Luka's coming, I think he wants to say hello."

Susan just nods, staring at him with a look of wonder. "It's been a while since I've talked to him." Her facial expression is so odd, it leaves me uneasy.

~o~

I watch Luka as he approaches the bench where Abby and Susan are sitting. I wonder what they were talking about. Susan seemed to be eager to get rid of me, that's for sure. When I see the three of them grouped like this, I walk faster. This is weird. Even though we work at the same hospital, the same ER, we've never been alone like this, the four of us, for the last two years. I think I'm going to take Susan away from here as soon as possible. I can always pretext a headache.

"Here's your water." I tell my wife when I reach them.

She turns at the sound of my voice and smiles to me nervously. "Thank you."

"How are you Carter?" Hell froze over. Luka spoke to me, with politeness and courtesy. Maybe things won't go as bad as I thought.

"Very good. You?"

"I'm good. It's so nice to have warm sunny days like this. We can take Magda outside, it's more difficult during the winter."

"I can imagine." This is weird. Very weird. This conversation is quite strange. We're talking like we're acquaintances on good terms. "Does she give you much trouble?"

"Not at all, she is the nicest kid in the world." We're actually having a conversation about the child that created this whole mess between all of us in the first place, like nothing happened. Pinch me someone.

There's a peculiar odor coming out of a child which leads to groans from the parent's parts. "Not again." Abby moans as she takes the baby bag.

"I'll change her." Susan offered.

Abby looks up surprised. "You will?"

"Yeah, why not? I used to take care of Suzie when she was a baby. I don't mind doing baby stuff." She extends her arms and Luka gives the baby to Susan. She murmurs a few words to the girl that seems to appease her enough that she won't cry. She takes the bag from Abby and walks off. "I'll be right back." This leaves me alone with Luka and Abby. I hate Susan very much right now.

"Are you and Susan thinking of having children soon? She seems to love them."

Of course, that's the question to ask a married couple when you have nothing to talk about. If the married couple has children, you ask about their kids, if they don't, you ask if they're thinking about having some. "Not right now. We're probably going to foster Susan's niece for a while. She'll be a lot to handle alone. We're going to wait a little."

"That's good." And then the conversation is dead. Abby's no helping matter. She hasn't looked at me since she said "hello" about fifteen minutes ago and Luka and I have exhausted all possible conversation between us. So now we're all staring at out shoes, trying to figure something to talk about.

Luka chickens out before the two of us. "You know, I've dropped a film at the drug store not far from here a few days ago. I'll go pick them up or we'll forget about them as always." He says to Abby. "I'll be back in five minutes." In a blink of an eye, he's gone, leaving Abby and I alone.

~o~

I hate Luka.

I was trying to avoid any contact of any form with Carter. Can't he see that? Why isn't he the possessive, jealous husband type? Why is he so trusting? I don't want to be alone with Carter. Ever. And it all happens so suddenly. We avoided each other perfectly for two years and now we keep bumping into each other and finding ourselves alone against our wishes.

"Your daughter has grown a lot since the last time I've seen her."

Of course she's grown. She was only three weeks old the one and only time he has seen her. There's no 'last time', there's one time, that's it. "Babies grow fast." I answer diplomatically instead.

"She looks a lot like you. She's beautiful." He says in a very polite tone. He is so distant, it makes me wonder if I was right about our love. Maybe it is over and I'm just delusional. I don't know what to answer after this so I just stare off at the park. Why is Susan taking so much time?

I feel Carter sit down next to me. I look at him and he seems nervous. What's going on. He swallows hard and looks up at me, a foreign look in his eyes. "Listen, I'm glad you um…sacrificed so much for Magdalena. She's worth it. You put your flesh and blood above everything else and I admire you for it. You had no pride. You truly are as amazing as I always thought you were."

The lump is back but for a completely different reason. He loves me. The old feeling is back. This awareness of being truly worshipped by another, it's back.

Oh John. I love you.

~o~

We're actually having a 'moment'. Something that we haven't had forever and that I only thought that I would have in my dreams for the rest of my life. As I'm about to open my mouth to say something, anything, Luka appears out of nowhere. He dumps a small packet on Abby's lap. "Here." He looks around. "Where's Susan?"

"She hasn't come back yet." Abby answered.

Luka cracks a smile. "You think she's trying to steal Magda?" Abby just glares but Luka ignores her. "I'll go check on her." He says, leaving us once again alone. But sadly, the moment is gone. I wish there was something, anything that would bring it back. Unfortunately, I can't think of anything to say.

"Abby…" I try, struggling to find the next words. My eyes are on her but she's staring at the ground, her eyes focusing on some nameless point.

She's still looking down as she speaks. "Thank you John. You have no idea what this means to me. After everything…" she trails off. I want to hear more so I don't say anything, hoping that she'll find the words to speak her thoughts. My hopes are fruitful. "This is the nicest thing you could have said to me." She glances at me, smiling awkwardly. "It reminds me why I liked you so much." She said 'like' but for us, it's like saying that she loved me and was devoted to me forever. Does she love me still? She did use the past tense. I take the jump.

"Liked? You don't like me anymore?" If I had used a nice friendly tone, I might have passed it off just as a joke, a good-natured question, but there was such an edge to my voice, there could be no mistake.

"I like you just the same if not more." She simply answered.

There is a God.

I feel that it wouldn't be fair to leave her at that, it's like Romeo declaring his love for Juliet and Juliet had to do just the same. "I like you very much as well."

She swallows hard and gives a brief smile, even though she's still staring off at the ground. This reaction means a lot. It means that she really cares about my feelings for her. Right now, there is no husband, no wife, no rules, no conventions, just two lovers who, in their own way, admitted their love to one another.

~o~

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