September 1, 2004

"Carter stop!" Susan is screaming and laughing at the same time, trying as best as she can to keep the remote away from me.

I continue tickling her, certain that she would surrender, but amazingly enough she holds on to the remote. "Come on Susan! I want to watch the game!"

"And I want to watch my movie!" She gets up from the couch and walks to the far end of the living room. "Casablanca is a classic."

"We can rent the video. I can't rent the game at the video store." I smile at my killer argument.

"But I was here first. You just barged in. I have priority." She looks at me with determined eyes and a playful smile dancing across her lips.

"You can still watch your movie, that you already saw 3,000 times by the way, another time while I can't watch my game another time." Haha, take that. Dr. Carter ladies and gentlemen, king of logic.

"Oh really?" she asks mischievously. She walks to the TV and changes the channel to the game. Finally, she gets it. But as she puts a tape in the VCR, I realize what she's about to do.

"Susan, what are you doing?" I ask warily.

She presses the "record" button and then changes the channel with the TV remote. I think I lost the argument. "I'm making magic."

I burst into laughter. "Magic?" Okay, this woman is officially crazy.

She joins me on the couch. "Yes. You said you couldn't watch your game at another time and now you can."

"So you're like a fairy?"

She cocks her head to the side as I wrap my arm around her. "More like I witch."

"Should I be scared?" This conversation is definitely odd. But I haven't seen Susan this happy or rested in a long time. It's good to see her this way.

"Very scared." She laughs and rests her head on my shoulder. We fall in a comfortable silence as we watch this overrated movie. Why do women like it anyway? So the guy dies for the woman he loves. So what? That is so cliche. There is nothing original about this movie, yet millions of women get all hot and bothered over it. Susan is really just like any other woman in a way. But there's something about her…she's so open and honest. Even though she had her share of hardship, she still knows how to have fun and be happy. It's so nice to have her around.

I look down at her and smile at her expression. She's so concentrated on this movie she's seen so many times that her eyes don't even blink. I gently stroke her arm. She's beautiful and such a great person. She's an amazing friend.

I freeze. I said "friend". Actually, I thought "friend", but it's the same. She's not a friend, she's my wife, the woman I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with. I should not think of her as only a friend. I should think of her as the love of my life. Okay, maybe that would be too much, but I should think of her as the woman I love, the woman I want to be with.

I'm insane. I shouldn't have to make myself want to be with someone. I shouldn't have to make myself love her. It should come naturally. And she's not just my girlfriend, she's my wife, I'm married to her. I should love her. I should want to be with her every waking moment. So why do I think of her as a friend? Well I know why. Abby is why.

Susan tears her eyes away from the screen; she obviously noticed my demeanor change. She smiles brightly at me. "I love you," she says softly.

I close my eyes and sigh. I wish I could make everything go away. I wish I could make my world go away. I wish I could go off to a parallel universe or something. Anything but this.

"Carter, what's wrong?" Her voice has a worried note to it. Of course it does. She tells her husband that she loves him and his only response is a sigh.

I untangle myself from Susan and straighten up. "I have to tell you something."

She frowns and withdraws slightly from me. "What's going on?"

"A few weeks ago, I…" I take a deep breath. I look into her eyes, trying to read the expression in them, but there is none. It's now or never. "I've been seeing Abby."

She takes in a sharp breath. "You slept with her." I hold my breath, not sure how to respond. I can see anger in her eyes, hurt also. She doesn't say a word, just waits. Finally, I nod. She doesn't move for a minute or two, then she gets up and walks to the window. She doesn't say anything.

"It's not like I planned anything, Susan. It just sort of happened. I'm not even sure how it happened. One minute we were barely speaking to another, and then the other, we're…" I trail off. I don't think she wants details. "I never meant to hurt you, we never meant to hurt you. Or Luka for that matter. We weren't thinking, we just acted. I don't think I was thinking at all the entire time. And Abby, she loves her daughter so much, she would never do anything to jeopardize her happiness. And she likes you. She barely has any friend and she considers you her friend, you know. She would never intentionally hurt you. We weren't ourselves. Everything's been so stressful lately and we…"

"Shut up."

I stop talking.

"Please, just leave."

"But Susan…"

"I knew about it, all right? I figured it out a little while ago. I guess I'm really a champion at denial. But I'm going to change that and the first thing start with asking you to leave."

I feel that somewhere she blames herself. I wish she wouldn't. I wish we could at least talk about it. "Susan, please."

"Go. The least you can do right now is leave when I ask you to."

I can see that any conversation would go nowhere, so I take my keys and leave. Just like she asked.

~o~

September 10, 2004

"When is Susan coming back?" I look up at Haleh, wondering if she's talking to me. It turns out she hasn't even noticed me, her back is turned and she's talking to Chuny.

"The nineteenth, I think. You should ask Carter," she answers.

"Didn't you hear? They're seperated."

"What?" Chuny exclaimed.

"Who's separated?" Yosh asks as he walks to the desk.

"Carter and Lewis. Changed his home address last week."

Chuny shrugs. "Nobody stays together these days."

"They were an odd couple anyway," Haleh comments.

"Always wondered what brought them together," Yosh said.

Chuny snorts. "Well I think Luka and Abby's wedding a few months earlier is a pretty big hint."

"Do you think Abby's got to do with the separation?" Yosh asked in a hushed voice but loud enough for me to hear.

"I wouldn't be surprised," is the only thing Chuny says. I walk away before I hear anymore and before they can see me. I'm afraid they might see the guilt all over my face.

So Susan and Carter are separated. I knew that something was off with him this past week or so, but I thought that with something as big as a separation he would tell me. I mean, if Susan knows, well I'd like to know. She might not be my wife but she is, or was, my friend. It isn't fair that he kept me in the dark.

I'll give him a piece of my mind.

"Gallant!" I call out to the med student. "Where's Carter?"

"Exam 4," he answers without any question. That's what I like about Gallant. He doesn't pry.

I walk to the exam room and notice that light is turned off. Maybe Gallant said the wrong exam room. I open the door just in case and discover that Gallant was right. Carter was there, sitting on a bed, head in hands. All my anger melts away. I am so weak.

"Carter?" I ask softly.

He looks up. "Hey."

I lift my eyebrows.

"I was just taking a break that's all," he tries to explain. "It's been pretty hectic today."

I walk to the bed and sit beside him. "Yeah. Pretty stressful."

"I got a 12 year old who drowned in the lake."

I wince. We all hate when we lose patients but it's always harder when they're children. "I'm sorry Carter."

"Don't be sorry for me. Be sorry for his parents." He shakes his head. "Can you believe that just because the lifeguard wasn't looking, this kid will never grow up, he'll never got to high school, college, get married, have kids. He could have changed lives. He could have been anything. And now, he's nothing, he's gone."

I brush my hand on his knee, subtly. I wish I could comfort him, but I can't. It would be wrong. That's what I hate about this whole situation. Everything that feels right, is wrong.

"The guy in curtain 3 asked me if I could get your phone number for him," Carter says, obviously trying to change the tense atmosphere but not succeeding very well.

I chuckle, playing along. "The fireman?"

"Mm-hm. What is it with you and firemen?"

I nudge him with my elbow. "What can I say, I'm a goddess to them."

He laughs. "You are hardly a goddess."

"There was a time you used to think so yourself," I shoot back without thinking.

He immediately sobers up. "Yeah. Not so long ago."

I want to kick myself for bringing back this depressing mood. "It's better this way no? I mean, it's better overall for everybody. Well maybe not everybody but…" I stammer. I'm not even sure what I'm saying.

"Abby…please…what are you trying to say?" he interrupts me. I can hear the loud sigh in his voice. I had forgotten what how much energy divorce took from you.

I look down, avoiding his eyes at all cost. "I heard you and Susan separated," I say softly.

He looks at me with a look of resignation on his face. "Who told you?"

"Nurses."

He nods. "Figures."

I half-laugh, half-snort. "Did you really think you could keep it from me forever."

He shrugs. "I wasn't trying to hide it from you. I just didn't know how to tell you."

I sigh. This is so complicated. I thought it would be easier once the affair was over. Now it seems that everything is three times more complicated. Everything reminds me of Carter and how I can't have him. It gives me more pain than I ever thought I could feel. Sometimes I have to remind myself to breathe. "I'm really sorry, Carter."

It's his turn to sigh. "It's okay. Better than living a lie."

I don't say anything. I know what he means. But he just doesn't understand. He doesn't have the ties with Susan that I have with Luka. "I'm doing the best for my daughter."

"The best thing that your daughter needs is for you to be happy."

"I am happy!" Are we going to have the same fight over and over for the rest of our lives?

"Really?"

I close my eyes. "I'm happy enough for my daughter." The more time I spend with Luka and less I spend with Carter, the happier I'll be. And Magda will have the normal life I never had. She'll have what she deserves.

"Pretending to be happy isn't enough for children, Abby. Believe me, I know about that." His words are bitter and he doesn't leave me a chance to reply as he walks out of the room.

I just wish there was someone who would tell me what's the right thing to do.

~o~

---

[home] [my stuff] [featured] [links] [contact me] [vote for me] [updates]