"Three hot dogs please. Mustard and ketchup." I’m not sure what he takes in his hot dogs but everybody likes mustard and ketchup.

"Three hot dogs? You must be starving." Susan says as she walks toward me.

I try my best not to show the absolute horror I feel right now. This is not good, not good at all. "Hi Susan."

"Hey. So who are the hot dogs for?"

"Me." Okay, even if I were starved, I don’t think I would eat three hot dogs in a row. "And Luka. He’s around here somewhere." I gesture vaguely around, hoping that I sound as casual as I wish.

"Oh. I haven’t seen Luka in a while. We’ve been so busy at work since he got back, I barely had the chance to say two words to him," she says enthusiastically.

Man, I’m in deep shit.

"Miss, here’s your hot dogs," the stand guy says to me as he hands me the dreadful hot dogs in a white paper bag.

"Thanks." I take them in my hands and turn back to Susan. "Um, I think he went to a bookstore with Croatian books and stuff. I don’t think he’ll be here for another twenty minutes or so." God I am such a bad liar. What will she think?

However, she just smiles. "That’s alright. I’ll catch up with him later. I’ve got to get back to work. See you later." And she walks away, leaving me a little uneasy. She was normal Susan, but at the same time there was something off about her attitude. She didn’t seem as warm as usual. It’s like her warm aura was gone. Well not an ‘aura’ but something like that. Blah, I can’t figure it out. I’m probably just tired.

I look at my bag and remember poor, skinny Carter who needs to be fed. I run back to the hotel and find Carter standing by the bed, half-dressed, hands on hips, tapping his left foot on the floor impatiently.

"And where have you been, ma’am?" he asks me in mock annoyance.

I would have played his game if he didn’t look so yummy. He’s only wearing a pair of jeans, leaving his feet and upper body bare. His jeans are low on his hips, almost inviting to take them off. That’s my sexy Carter. I don’t think he could turn me on more. In two quick steps, I find myself a few inches in front of him. He wraps his arms around me and kisses me. Dropping the paper bag on the floor, I bring my hands to his shoulder, slowly massaging them as we deepen the kiss. I love to feel his lips on mine, his tongue dancing in my mouth. It’s so intimate. I’ve never kissed any man the way I kiss him. Not that I haven’t had my share of make-out sessions, but the way we kiss, it’s different. It’s like my mind is only focused on his mouth and what we’re doing, but at the same time, I’m intensely aware of every millimeter of my body that is touching his.

We eventually break the kiss so we can breathe a little. I then remember the hot dogs. I pick up the bag and motion at Carter to sit down. I take the hot dogs out and Carter groans slightly at the sight. "Ah you big baby. Chicago has great hot dogs."

"You’re going to make me eat all three of them?"

I sit down next to him and hand him a hot dog. "Nah. Only two. The third one’s for me." I smile at him and bite into my hot dog. Mmm…I love hot dogs. "I can’t believe you don’t like to eat." I shake my head, taking another bite of my hot dog.

"I like to eat. I’m just not hungry these days."

"Stressed?" I ask.

"Something like that." He bites in his hot dog and I watch him eat with interest. He eats with vigor, with passion; the same way he makes love. After a while, he notices my staring and smirks. "What’s wrong?"

I scoot closer to him and encircle his right arm with mine. "Nothing. I just think you’re beautiful."

"Men aren’t beautiful. Don’t you mean good looking?"

I shake my head. "Nah, beautiful fits better."

He laughs. "Well I’ll try not to take it as an insult."

"You do that," I retort before kissing him, our mouths full of hot dogs.

~o~

I’m sitting on the bed, back against the wall, watching Abby. She’s lying on her stomach, watching a rerun of The Brady Bunch. She dangles her feet in the air, completely absorbed by the idealistic show. I really have to straighten out this woman in terms of TV show choices.

I crawl on the bed and lie next to her. "Do you realize what you are watching?" I ask her, amused.

Without blinking she answers, "yes."

"Weren’t you the one who watched Survivor because, and I quote: ‘All the back biting and the lying, it’s human nature at its most venal’."

She finally turns her head to the side and looks at me. "I’m keeping it all balanced. I watch the best and the worst of people."

"Why not watch a more realistic show instead that is already balanced?"

"Too much melodramatic crap," she simply answers and gets back to her show.

I smile indulgently. Don’t try to understand Abby’s logic. I place a hand on the back of her neck and massage it gently. I lean closer to her ear. "You know you’re cute right?"

"Uh huh," she answers me without taking her eyes off the TV.

I kiss her ear. "Play with me."

She nudges me aside and I take my hand off her neck. "Let me see the part where Marcia realizes how vain she was about becoming Juliet in the school play. And I never told you to take your hand off my neck," she orders me. I grin. I don’t mind following her orders at all. I take my hand back and caress her neck. If Heaven’s like this, I can’t wait to die.

Finally, the show ends and Abby turns the TV off. She rolls on her back and my hand slides around her neck. I move it up and run my fingers through her hair. Our eyes are locked, both of us mesmerized by the unsaid emotions we see in each other’s eyes. Suddenly Abby breaks out into laughter.

"Did I miss something?"

Abby tries to control her laughs. "No. Nothing. It’s just we can be so serious sometimes. I felt like letting out some tension."

I smile, although a little sadly. "We haven’t been at our happiest lately. Angst, nostalgia, remorse, guilt, and sadness can do that to you."

The grin that was hanging on her lips since she had stopped laughing broke. She pursed her lips and sighed. "We can’t do this anymore." She closes her eyes.

She sits up and I cup her face, caressing her cheeks with my thumbs. "I know." I press my forehead against hers and I close my eyes as well. This is the beginning of the end.

~o~

I feel his caresses on my face and I can smell his scent and the hot dogs. And it’s wrong. I shouldn’t be in his arms. I shouldn’t be here in the first place. I should be home with my husband and daughter.

This is more than wrong. This is revolting. There’s a man in my life who put everything on the line for me, who picked me up when I fell apart and provided me everything I needed, or thought I needed. This same man trusts me beyond possible, he tries desperately to make me happy, and will do anything, even talk to people he doesn’t like, Carter for example, to make sure I have some fun. This man is so fully concentrated on me that it makes what I’ve done the past two weeks more than sickening. I’ve betrayed this man in the worst way possible. Not only have I given my body to another man, but I’ve also given my heart. The worst part is that I’ve brushed off any feeling of guilt. The emotions get the best of me and tears slowly roll down my cheeks.

Carter notices immediately and gives me a soft kiss on the lips. "Shhh," he whispers against my lips. "It’s okay." He kisses me again, this time with more passion.

I let him kiss me for a few seconds then I break away. I shake my head furiously, my eyes still fully shut. I can’t bear looking at him. If I do, I’ll want him, I’ll forget about Luka again, and I’ll bring myself down even more. I’m so weak. I’m so horrible. I cling at Carter’s neck, now crying with barely any reserve. "Horrible. So horrible."

"What’s horrible?" he asks gently.

"I am!" I cry out. "I don’t deserve all the things I have in my life." I don’t deserve to be in Carter’s arms while Luka is faithfully waiting for me at home. I don’t deserve to have two men who would do almost anything for me.

"You’re right. You don’t deserve any of this," he says harshly. Then he presses his hands harder on my face, the caress gone rough. "Abby look at me." I shake my head, ashamed. I can’t. Not when I feel so low. Not when I realize how truly bad I am. Not when he’s realizing it himself. "Look at me," he says coldly, his voice strong. I reluctantly obey. His face is hard, but his eyes are surprisingly soft. "You don’t deserve this. You don’t deserve to be married to one man, albeit wonderful, and be in love with another. You don’t deserve having one man’s child while you desperately wish it were another man’s. But it’s done. That’s how things are. But you can change things, make them better."

He doesn’t have to say it. I know what he means. I could divorce Luka. But he just doesn’t understand. I just can’t. My baby needs a nice structured family. I don’t want her to grow up in the kind of family that is even near to the kind of family I grew up in. And I can’t do this to Luka. That would be the last blow to finish him off. He has always put my happiness before his, well for once I will put his before mine. His and Magda’s.

I get off the bed and look at Carter through my tears. I attempt a smile. It isn’t very successful. I kiss the top of his hand and rest my cheek on it, stroking his face with my hand. He wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me tightly against him. I lean back and look down at his face. "I’ll miss you," I tell him, barely above a whisper. And this time I know it’s really over. He knows what it means. He knows my answer. He knows I’ll never divorce Luka. I lean down and kiss him on the lips. "I love you," I murmur.

"I love you too. So much." His voice is cracking. I kiss him once more and leave the room without looking back.

This is the end of the Carter and Abby saga.

~o~

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