PAR AMOUR POUR MAGDALENA - CHAPTER 14

August 17, 2004

I can feel Susan’s eyes on me as I drive on the street of a calm Chicago. It’s 8:45am on a Sunday morning, either people are getting ready for church or they’re in bed. And then they’re people like Susan, who will do anything for someone she loves. So she goes to work on a Sunday morning to be able to be present for her niece. And I, on the other hand, am the scumbag she married because of God knows what.

"Do you think Gamma will get through this?" She asks in an even tone, trying to pacify my turmoil about my grandmother dying.

"I don’t know. The doctor in me says no, but the grandson says yes." I glance at her as she gives me a compassionate smile. Sometimes I wish she were less understanding and caring. It would be easier to do all the things I do. "She’s a tough one. She has at least six more months," I tell her confidently. Really if she had only a few weeks to live, do you really think I’d be going to the Holiday Inn today?

"It’s nice that you’re spending so much time with her," she comments.

I pull the car over, close to the ambulance bay. "Yeah, it is." My eyes are on my lap as I answer. I can’t look at her straight in the eyes when I’m lying to her. She opens her door and leans over to kiss me. I give her a small peck on the lips. "Bye."

"Bye." She gets out of the car and closes the door. She waves at me as I leave.

~o~

"Who’s the friend again?" Luka asks me as I change Magda’s diaper.

"Melanie. She was an OB nurse at County. She works at Northwestern now," I explain to him as calmly as I can.

"Right. Well it’s good that you have friends," his voice is even but I suddenly understand this Carter thing. He wants me to have friends.

"Is that why you insisted that Carter and I talked, patched things up? So I could have friends?" My voice is harder than I intended to. I can’t help it though; I hate it when someone makes decisions about what I need for me.

"You’ve become so unhappy this past month. I thought it was because I was suffocating you. So I left for a few days."

So that’s what the stupid convention was all about.

He goes on, "but when I came back, you still seemed unhappy and I realized you didn’t have any friends so maybe that’s what’s wrong. You have to admit that you’ve been in a much better mood since you’ve talked things out with Carter. You need friends, Abby."

My first reaction is a strong desire to yell at him. He has no right to tell me what I need or to manipulate me and others to get what he thinks I need. However, I’m acutely aware of what I’m about to do for the rest of the day, and it is completely unfair that I yell at him when I’m about to do much worse. Besides, he did it because he cares about me and worries.

I put Magda’s pants back on and take her in my arms. "I have cleared some things up with him, but there’s still a lot we need to work on. As my being unhappy, don’t worry about it, I’m just a little tired, not unhappy. Now I’m going to see my friend Melanie for the day, you can spend some quality time with Magda, and don’t worry about me." I hand the baby over to him and put on my raincoat

I kiss Magda on the cheek and Luka on the lips. He gives me a quick smile. "Have a good time."

"I will," I answer as I leave. God, this is so hard.

~o~

A soft knock on the door wakes me from my catnap. I look at the clock on one of the nightstands; 9:43am.

"Carter?" I hear Abby’s voice from the other side of the door.

"I’m here," I call out and she walks in, taking off her raincoat. She’s wearing dark jeans with a fairly tight baby blue shirt. The curvy neckline is low but doesn’t show the curve of her breasts and the sleeves cling tightly on her arms, ending right above her elbows. I love that shirt. Her hair is pulled up in a high ponytail. As she walks slowly to the bed, I notice she put a bit of make up on. Some mascara and lipstick. Maybe a little bit of blush too. When she reaches the bed, she climbs in, standing on her knees looking down at me.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" she asks with a note of amusement in her voice.

"You’re beautiful," I answer simply.

She laughs. "You’re a broken record, you know that?"

I shrug. I strongly believe that if I tell her often enough how beautiful she is, one day she’ll believe it. I reach out and touch a strand of hair sticking out. "You pulled your hair up."

She automatically touches her hair. "Yeah. You don’t like it?" she asks me, a little insecure.

I take her arm and pull her down so she’ll lie next to me. "I love it." She lies on her back, staring at the ceiling. I watch her silently, enjoying her profile. It’s nice to have her so close and to be able to look at her without hiding it. She clamps my hand in hers and closes her eyes. We stay like this for a while and I begin to wonder if she has fallen asleep when I hear a knock on the door. Abby opens her eyes and looks at me. "Are you expecting someone?"

I get off the bed and walk to the door. "Probably room service. I ordered some breakfast for 10 o’clock." She nods and closes her eyes again. I open the door and the waiter wheels in a cart full of food. "Put everything on the table." I indicate the table next to the TV. He obeys and I pulled three twenty-dollar bills. "Here’s sixty. Keep the change." The guy thanks me and leaves quietly. When he’s gone, Abby gets up and looks at the food.

"Sixty dollars?" she asks incredulously.

"Room service is always expensive," I give as an explanation.

She takes off the covers of the plates and looks at all the food. There’s eggs, bacon, sausages, French toasts, pancakes, lots of fruits, and orange juice. "When you said I eat like an elephant, you really thought that I do." She laughs as she picks up a small sausage and stuffs it in her mouth.

"I didn’t know what you liked for breakfast." I watch her tear up some bacon and eat it. I take a fork and hand it to Abby. "You might want to use this."

She ignores the fork, takes a plate, and puts some fruits in it. Then she walks back to the bed and sits on it, resting her back on the wall. She starts eating the food on the plate? She looks up at me and I raise my eyebrow. "What? It’s much more fun this way. And I can’t do this at home because it would set a very bad example to Magda."

I join her in bed and pick up grapefruits that were set on her plate. I take one fruit and show it to her. "Say ‘ahhh’."

She laughs. "You are not seriously trying to feed me." She shoves my hand aside and continues to eat, pretending to ignore me.

I take her plate away from her and set it on the floor next to the bed. She groans in protest and I only laugh in response. I put the grapefruits down and take the bowl of strawberries. "Come on. Open your mouth." She sighs but she does as I say. "Now I’m going to put the strawberry in your mouth and you’re just going to suck on it," I instruct her.

She barely stifles a laugh. "You’re crazy."

I just give her an indulgent smile. "Close your eyes."

"Carter…" she says in a warning tone.

"Please," I insist, "just close them." She obeys with a little groan. I take a strawberry and put it in her mouth, her lips resound immediately closing around the hard fruit. "Don’t bite in it," I urge her. "Just suck."

She she sucks hard, letting out soft moans, which resound instantly in my groin. I approach her and lean over, taking in my mouth the other half of the strawberry that was sticking out of hers. She gasps softly when our lips touch. I bite in the fruit heartily. She takes the cue and does the same. As soon as the fruit is bitten on both ends, I kiss her lips gently with all the love I feel. She snakes her hand around my neck and pulls me closer as her tongue invades my mouth. She brings her body closer to mine, settling nicely on my laps. Her hands are everywhere now. I can feel them in my hair, stroking my face, and caressing my chest underneath my shirt. She kisses me with an incomparable urgency. As if we’re going to die tomorrow.

~o~

I stir like a cat and slowly open my eyes. I find the clock, which tells me that we’re only seven minutes until twelve o’clock. I’m glad we didn’t waste the day sleeping. I speak for myself of course. Carter is lying next to me on his back, snoring softly. It’s cute when a man snores. Not big snores that prevent you from sleeping but soft snores that almost sound like a lullaby and puts you to sleep. Furthermore, it’s just manlier. I crawl more closely to him, for once we didn’t end curled up together, and poke at his chest. He groans lightly and waves my finger away, still deep in slumber. I poke at him again.

"Carter," I whisper as I poke at him one more time. "Carter."

He groans loudly and stirs, waking slowly. He opens his eyes at me, definitely annoyed. "Why on Earth are you torturing me?"

I rest my head on his chest, my hand caressing his tummy. "I’m not torturing you. I’m just preventing you from missing all the fun."

"What fun? You’re not doing anything," he says, laughter in his voice.

"So? It’s more fun to be with me than to be alone, no?" I don’t know why but I feel giddy today. I want to act as if I have no worries and no care in the world. As if the world belongs to Carter and I.

He kisses the top of my head. "You’re right. You’re a lot more fun."

I smile happily and start making undefined shapes on his bare chest with my index finger. I trace the line in the middle of his chest from where my cheek is resting to his cute little belly button. I trace the outline for a minute or so, just mesmerized in the perfection of this small hole in my lover’s body, then my finger continues its journey. I move my finger lower, as slowly as I can, following the hair line that goes down to my favorite part of his body. And that exact part of his anatomy is particularly happy to see me. When I’m merely millimeters from touching it, I go back up again, and Carter groans in frustration from deep inside his throat. I laugh at this but continue to dance my finger all over his body, uncaring of how I got him all hot and bothered. When I trace his ribs, I realize how skinny he has become. Or how skinny he has always been. I’m not sure how well he hides his thinness.

"You’re skinny," I comment seriously.

He laughs. "This is not the first time that you made this observation."

I roll off his chest and rest my upper body on my elbow. "I’m not kidding. You really are skinny and the mother in me is in full alert."

He holds his hands up. "Please, do not compare yourself to a mother."

I slap his chest. "I am a mother silly."

"I know, but you’re not mine so don’t act like a mother around me. It’s a little disturbing."

I shake my head at his stupidity. It’s not like I ask him to call me ‘Mommy’ or whatever. He is so dramatic. I get up and put on my clothes. "I noticed a hot dog stand right around the corner," I tell him.

"Abby…" he starts to protest.

I cut him off. "Be quiet. You need to eat. I’m getting you some hot dogs." I take my coat and my purse and I leave before he has time to protest some more.

~o~

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