July 7, 2002

I roam my eyes in the crowd when I suddenly see the face I was looking for. I wave my hand frantically. "Luka!" He sees me and walks rapidly toward Magda and me, a broad smile on his face.

When he reaches us, he kisses me deeply. "I've missed you," he whispers.

"I missed you too," I tell him. And I truly did.

"Dada!" Magda cries out and Luka takes Magda from my arms.

"How've you been little one?" He pinches her nose affectionately and she squeals in delight. Then she gives him a million kisses on the cheeks. The whole scene is beautiful. Having a family is the most wonderful thing anyone can ever have in their life.

I pick up Luka's luggage with one hand, and with the other, I grab his hand as we walk out of the airport. Magda is still amazingly happy to have her father back. She's currently playing with a strand of his hair and they are looking at one another as if they are sharing a huge secret. I don't think I've ever noticed how strong their bond is. How close they are. What these two truly share.

"How was the convention?" Luka asks me once we're settled in the car, Magda asleep in her car seat.

"Very interesting. Remember when I went to Bosnia a few years ago?" I nod. "Well I saw a doctor there that I met in Bosnia. I also met a few Croatian doctors. One of them is going back in a few months." His eyes illuminate and it makes me wonder if he regrets his country. Maybe he wants to go back. Now he can't because of Magda, but mainly because of me, because I'd never go there.

"How was your week?" Luka interrupts my thoughts.

"Good." I want to tell him more, something I've done the past week, but I can't. There's nothing I can think of. Well there is something, but I don't particularly want to share that bit of information with him. I must have done something else. I sigh inwardly. It's hopeless. "Susan's been covering for you. She's done a lot of extra hours. She's going to take a month off soon."

"Because of her niece's arrival, right?"

I nod. "Yes. She works twelve hours every day."

"For how long?"

I shrug. "I don't know. A few weeks."

"She's going to kill herself."

"Well you know Susan, always thinking of others before herself."

"She's a great woman."

"She is." I agree. "She's funny too. I had coffee with her yesterday. I had fun."

Luka smiles at me. "You spend more time with her lately. I think it's good. You need friends."

I think of yesterday and other than the moment we talked about Carter, I enjoyed her company a lot. "She's a good friend. I just wish-"I stop before I say too much. I should really be more careful around Luka.

"You wish she wasn't Carter's wife?" He asks with a little edge in his voice.

I give him a small smile. Well, this is awkward. I swallow hard. "Sometimes I wish Carter lived far away from here and the he never entered my life." The second the words leave my mouth I realize how true it is. I really wish he wouldn't be here, then I wouldn't be in this whole mess.

"It's not that bad these days, no? I saw you talk to him the past few weeks."

"You mean when you deliberately tried to find any excuse to get away from him at the park?" I ask him in a half-accusing, half-amusing tone.

He blushes severely at my accusation. "Well I don't have the best track record with Carter." He sighs. "I know this whole thing with Carter was painful and he hurt you a lot but that was a while ago. If you want to be friends with Susan, you have to get along with her husband." So he thinks I'm still mad at Carter for what he did to me. He couldn't be further from the truth.

Or is he?

Do I still resent Carter for rejecting me when I was pregnant with Luka's child? I think I do. He had no right to treat me that way. As if I was trash. We weren't even together when I slept with Luka. It's not like he had been very clear about us.

"Carter can be immature and proud. I'm the first one to admit it," Luka says, interrupting my thoughts, "but he's not a bad guy. He wasn't a bad friend to you, was he?"

I shake my head slowly. He was great in the friend department. We were great in the friends department. It's the romantic one that we both suck at.

"Then you could try to have a piece of that back. For Susan's sake at least."

Oh God if he only knew.

~o~

July 11, 2002

"Haleh, you know where Susan is?"

"Doc Magoo's." I turn around and see Luka standing near the drug lock-up. "She's having lunch with Abby," he explains.

I give him a tight smile. "Thanks."

As I'm about to leave, Luka asks, "do you mind?"

"Mind what?" He's really confusing sometimes. Why can't he just say what he thinks?

"Her having lunch with Abby."

I can't read between lines, Buddy. "Why would I mind?"

"I just…" He shrugs. "I just wasn't sure if you were comfortable with them being friends, that's all."

What? Who the hell does he think is, assuming something like that? "Why wouldn't I be?" I ask coldly.

He holds his hands up in defense. "Hey, I just think it's nice that they're friends. I think," he hesitates, then lowers his voice, and says in a defeated tone, "it would be nice if you would be friends with Abby too. She misses your friendship."

Who feels like an ass? I sure do. God. Here's a guy trying to put things more or less right between Abby and I, and all I do is attack him. And I feel like screaming that the only thing that would make things right is if he wasn't married to Abby. Of course, I'm going to keep these thoughts to myself.

"I'll ask her out for coffee or something like that," I tell him.

"When?"

He is curiously insisting. I wonder what's going on in his head. "I don't know."

"How about tomorrow? I get off at the same time you guys do so I can watch Magda and I know Susan's working late these days. You and Abby can catch up." He smiles a little and walks away.

My jaw meets the floor. Welcome to The Twilight Zone.

~o~

"Hey." I greet Carter when I reach our usual bench by the river.

"Hi."

I feel him stiffen as I sit down next to him. I wonder what's wrong. Maybe he's not so okay with this thing anymore with Luka around. But of course, it's not like he's going to tell me what's on his mind. "You off?"

"Yes. What about you?"

"Yes. I had a half-shift. Luka gets off in half hour so I'm waiting for him."

He nods but doesn't say anything. The tension is so thick you could cut it with a knife. What the hell is up with him? It's not like Luka just got back. He's been back to work for three days now. As I'm about to ask him what's wrong, he asks,

"You want to go out tomorrow night? For coffee and pie?"

I smile. There's nothing I'd love more. But Luka's here now. It can't be like last week. "I think Luka would be a bit suspicious if I came home four hours late."

"Oh you don't have to worry about him. He's the one who suggested it."

I was so surprised my eyeballs jumped out of their holes. "What are you talking about?"

He takes a deep breath. "Apparently, your husband wants you to maintain good relationships with your coworkers, including Susan and I."

Oh my God. He didn't… "Luka talked to you?"

"He wants us to bury our past differences."

I close my eyes. I can't deal with this right now. It's too much. I need a break. I need some time. Away from Luka, away from Carter, away from Susan, even away from Magda. Just some time to be alone so I can take in the major changes in my life. Just some time…

"I still find it hard to swallow that you had Luka's child." He says in a low voice.

My eyes get watery. I had foolishly hoped that with the events of last week, he had gotten over it. That taking care of Magda and making love to me had finally settled his issues. Well obviously I was wrong. "She's not just Luka's you know. She's mine too."

"I know."

This is hopeless. He knows that. He's known it forever. It still hasn't changed anything. He will always resent me for it. And he'll never truly love Magda. That's what breaks my heart. "Can't you try to concentrate on the part that she's mine?"

He takes my hand gently and links his fingers with mine. He leans in and kisses my cheek softly, slowly moving his mouth to my ear. "I promise I'll try." And this brings a smile on my face. The most genuine smile I had for a very long time.

~o~

I lean back and look at her. Her eyes are wet from unshed tears. I feel a little pang in my heart knowing that I'm the one who brought her these tears, but when I look at her mouth, her wonderful smile, my heart warms up. She is so breathtakingly beautiful. "You're beautiful." She snorts and looks out at the river, avoiding my gaze. I know she feels uncomfortable when I tell her that, she doesn't believe it, but I'll spend my lifetime trying to make her believe. It's definitely worth it.

"I still resent you for abandoning me." Abby says out of the blue, her eyes still on the river in front of us. She digs in her pockets and takes out a cigarette pack and a lighter. She lights up and looks back at the river, smoking her cigarette.

I don't know what to say. I'm not sure if there's anything to say. She saves me the trouble when she speaks again. "You treated me like trash as if I wasn't worthy of you."

Without thinking, I reach out and caress her hair. She finally looks at me. "I'd never think that. Never. You're more than worthy of me. You're like a trophy for me."

"A trophy wife?" She chuckles lightly but it soon dies in her throat. The pain of knowing that she will never be my wife, trophy kind or not, hits too close to home.

"Abby, I can't change the way I reacted, it's the way I felt at the time. It's the way I still feel a little. Why him, Abby, why? Why didn't you go to me?" My entire body aches. Opening old wounds seems even more painful than the wounds themselves.

"How could I go to you for sex? How could I knock on your door one night because I was so scared of drinking a beer that I wanted to have sex to make me forget the craving." Her voice is barely above a whisper. "Our first time, God it's going to sound corny, I wanted it to be special, to be just about you and me, showing our feelings, not about getting rid of a craving for alcohol." Tears are now rolling down her cheeks. I've made her cry. I've hurt her so much that it broke all her walls and made her cry in front of me. I've hurt her that much.

"I didn't know." I'm whispering too. I'm not exactly sure why. "All I could see was that you preferred him over me. Once more, it was him instead of me. I felt like the only reason you wanted to be with me was because I was safe."

She chokes a laugh. "That's ironic." Her tone is bitter. "That's why Susan married you. Because you were safe."

This comes out like a slap on the face. I know I should have known. It's not like we were passionately in love or something, but no one really wants their significant other to be with them just because they're safe. It's not very flattering. "Is that why you wanted to be with me? Just like Susan, because I'm safe?"

Abby, crying more openly now, hastily gets up. "Don't be such an idiot, if I wanted to be with you because you were safe, I wouldn't have slept with you. I don't think the common man would put 'affair' under the safe category." Then she leaves. If Abby wasn't so classy, I believe she would have spit on me.

Life is hell.

~o~

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