Here With Her
"Where's Abby?" Carter asked. "I was supposed to meet her for lunch in the lounge."
"How should I know?" someone commented. He ignored their words and continued.
"Do you know where she is?"
"Yes," Frank said. "She went upstairs to see about the baby. A check up."
Carter nodded. "Oh, okay." He started his way to the elevator leading upstairs, but Haleh called for him.
"Dr. Carter!"
He walked back to the desk with a smile. "Yeah?"
"Sit tight for a second," she said. "We wanna hear about you two."
"You're kidding, right?" Carter laughed. "Because that's pathetic."
"Shut up," Chuny said playfully. "Come on, spill. Is it love?"
Even Frank turned around to hear this. "If you must know, yes I love her. She loves me."
The woman all set adoring looks on their faces. Frank shrugged it off with a phony critique.
"Are you gonna ask her to marry you?"
Carter wasn't sure who asked him. At that moment, Abby came around the corner. "Hey, John." She kissed him. "Ready for lunch?"
Sure, he was ready for lunch. "Yeah, let's go." That's about all he was ready for.
They sat side by side, as always. Their hands were held together, on top of the table. He hoped that whatever he was feeling wasn't seen by Abby. He loved her, of course, more than life itself. But he didn't know if he was ready for anything else. He thought he was ready for a baby. Of course he was ready for a baby. He was prepared. Or was he? He used to take drugs. He used to be unstable. What kind of a father would he be if he fell back into his old habits? He trusted Abby, and he knew that she wouldn't start drinking again. But he was scared. He felt like crying. And while part of him told him to suck it up and be a man, the other one told him it was okay to cry out to Abby. No matter what, he knew she would understand. It was Abby. For him, she knew everything.
"Something wrong?" she asked, smiling.
"No," he said. "Well, kind of. Maybe, yeah."
She put down her fork that she was using. She lifted his face with her hand. "You can tell me, you know." He bowed his head. She looked at him seriously. "John, what's going on?"
He looked around the restaurant, full of people. It was noon, so everyone was either on his or her break from work or spending time with the kids they never get to see. Or maybe they were negotiating something, like a business deal. If they shook hands, they wouldn't notice John Carter with his Abby Lockhart, and the baby that would bring them into a family.
"I think I feel sick," he said. "I'm gonna take the rest of the day off."
"What's going on?" She swiftly smoothed down his hair, making him collapse inside. He didn't want to show it, however. "John, seriously. What's going on?"
"Abby," he said, "I really need some time off. I-I just need to get home. I'll talk to you tonight, okay?"
"John-"
"Abby," he stammered. "Please don't be upset." He kissed her forehead and saw that her eyes were frightened.
"You're scaring me when you talk like this," she said. "Please, stop."
He nodded, bit his lip and rubbed her shoulder. "Do you want me to walk you back to the ER? I will, never mind, I will."
"John," she said, interrupting him. "John, I love you."
"Don't say that, Abby, nothing's changed between us." She looked confused and fearful at once. He nodded, took her hand again and brought her to her feet. "Come on, we're going to be late."
"Okay," she mumbled. She let him help her out of the booth. Hand in hand, they walked back to the ER. He held her against him, kissing her head a dozen times. He felt like it was the last day of his life. He didn't want to let anything get in the way of him being with her. If anything were to happen though, it would happen to him. He didn't know why he was thinking these thoughts. Maybe he was scared of more than he thought he was.
"John?"
Abby's tremulous voice rang through the apartment. Carter's sweat-soaked body shifted in the mess of sheets, plastered to his body with the heat of the evening sun. It was just setting over the slight skyline view of his window. He felt nauseous as he turned to face the door, then slowly closed his eyes.
"Abby," he said. Why did he sound so weak?
"Oh, my God, John," she stormed in, rushing to his bedside to feel his forehead. "You have a fever."
"I know," he said. "I want to throw up. Can you get me some of that stuff over the sink?"
"Medicine?"
"That's it." The profession he had dedicated his life to, and he hadn't remembered the name of the pills he kept up above the counter. What in the hell was wrong with him? Was he worrying Abby? He had to get himself together.
She came back with the bottle and struggled to get it open. She started into a small fit of tears, the bottle becoming impossible to her.
"Abby," he said. "Abby, don't cry. It's okay, come here."
She crawled up and onto the bed, crying it out. He hugged her as close as he could. The room was humid, as the fan in the corner wheezed on, but he didn't care. He couldn't feel anything really except for Abby's warm tears touching his bare chest. His hands caressed her back sweetly. He buried his face, mainly his mouth, into the stressed mess of hair on top of her head and took in the moment. As if he hadn't done that enough.
"What's wrong?" he asked her.
"You tell me," Abby cried. "I was worried the entire day. I didn't know what you were gonna tell me. What's going on, John? Please tell me."
"Okay," he said, tears forming in his eyes. He sat up and she sat next to him. He breathed out slowly, but not noticeably as she rested her head on his shoulder. "I can't be the father that you want me to."
Abby looked at him. "What?"
Carter started to cry. "I can't be a good father. I used to be on drugs and all of that. I don't want to fall back into it and ruin a kid's life because his dad's a drug addict."
"John," she cried on, "then don't be that dad."
"I'm scared, Abby," he said, "and I don't want to be."
"I'm scared, too," she said, "but it's okay to be scared in either of our cases. Think about it John. I think it's okay this time to be scared." She hugged him; this time it was she who had the grip on them both. She had the strong hold on them now, and Carter wanted to lie in her arms forever if he could. "You're gonna be a great dad, John. I know." She cried into his shoulder, kissed it and fell asleep against it. He stayed awake the entire night, holding her to his side and excitedly awaiting his first child. Thanks to Abby.
