Here With Her
They were eating Chinese in front of the TV. She had said nearly nothing since they arrived back home. He sensed something was wrong, as he had before, and began.
"Abby," he said. She turned insignificantly. "What is it?"
"Nothing, John," she said. She turned back to her food.
"There's something wrong, Abby," he said. "I can tell."
"I don't want to talk about it, John." She left her tray on the table and walked to the bedroom.
Carter dropped his own tray to the table, inches away from hers. He followed her to the room and saw her sitting on the floor. It was dark in the room, it being almost seven-thirty. Her face was in her hands, which were supported by elbows resting on her knees. He sat next to her, and put his arm around her, worried but not showing it as much as he could have. He hugged her, kissed her head and asked again. "Abby, what's going on?"
She burst into tears, and Carter took her shoulders.
"When I was married to Richard," she spoke at once, "I was pregnant."
Carter paused and looked at her weeping figure, her face read with tears. He didn't know where she was going with it. Only a few ideas were spinning around in his head.
"I was scared." She said. "I didn't want to have a baby that was like my mom."
Carter was hit. He watched her break down again, but saved her with his embrace. "Oh, Abby, Abby."
"I had an abortion."
She cried harder and gripped Carter's arm around her. She cried until Carter did. He didn't want her to see, for her sake, so his sleeve wiped his tears away. Then he didn't know what to do.
He took her closer. "Abby, shh, I'm here." She only cried harder. Carter felt like crying, too, but didn't know if he could in front of her.
"John," she said through heavy tears. "I killed a baby. I killed my baby girl."
Carter's heart stopped for an instant. "Oh, Abby. Oh, my God, Abby. Please don't cry."
"I killed my baby girl," she said over and over again. "I killed my baby girl. I killed it on purpose. Because I was scared of it being like my mother."
Carter searched his head for the right words. When he found them, he hadn't known if it was difficult or easy. "Would you have loved it if it were like your mother?"
Abby looked up at him, her eyes swollen from weeping. She nodded and came closer to him. "Yes. My baby girl, John."
"God's giving you a chance to start over," he said, hoping for reassurance. She sobbed the tiniest bit lighter into his shirt. He rubbed her back and continued. "You're gonna be a great mother."
"I killed my baby girl," she said.
"And there's nothing you can do to change that," he said. "But you can start over in a different way, okay?"
Abby nodded. "Thank you," she whispered. They waited a long time before either of them talked again.
"Why didn't you tell me before?" Carter was still stroking her back. He hated more than anything to see her cry. It ripped him up on the inside.
"I thought you would be mad," she said. Her crying was finally letting up. "I'm a murderer."
"Don't say that," Carter said, looking into her eyes. "Don't ever say that."
"I killed her - "
"You made a mistake, people make mistakes, Abby."
"Do they kill their children? John?" she cried harder. Her voice was raspy from a likely sore throat. "Do they?"
"It was a mistake," was all he could say. "I love you so much. Don't hate yourself."
"I don't know why I did it," she said. "If it was a baby, shouldn't I love it anyway?"
He paused, looking down at her bent head. "Maybe you were scared about something else."
She sniffed. "Like what?"
"You and Richard. Your situation. Your status at the time," he patted her back. "Were you two suited to be parents then? Think about it."
"Probably not," she said, easing the slightest. She shook her head abruptly and suddenly, though and pulled away from him. "No, John! It doesn't matter! I killed her!"
"Abby," he said loudly, rushing over to her. He pulled her screaming and shaking form to his side. She stopped yelling and cried into his chest. "Abby," he shushed again. "You're a wonderful person. You're more than anyone I've ever known. I love you."
She wrapped her arms around his waist. She gripped onto him, holding tighter than ever before.
"I love you," he said slowly.
She shook against him and whimpered a few smaller cries.
"Please," he said. "Always remember that."
Abby nodded and together they cried. Against the wall in the dark, they sat, crying it out. Carter wasn't shy of his tears around Abby. He had lived a life like hers. He still did in a way. They held each other, as if their lives depended on one another. One in the night in the furthest capture of their home. They fell asleep soon after, still holding one another and still crying themselves together.
