Lying in his arms, I feel worthy. Worthy of every blissful, heavenly feeling I've experienced in the last few hours. This is a shelter for me. It's my safe hold, or something. Every time he touched me, it felt wonderful. I haven't felt like this for so long.
I don't feel cheap when I'm with Luka. He doesn't treat me that way. But I don't like being with him. This is so different. Makes me feel alive.
Alive indeed.
But, when he made love to me last night, I could have died. And it wouldn't have mattered. Because it was the sweetest thing. It wasn't rushed, either. It was perfect. His hands were always on me, from the time we kissed to the end, when we fell asleep together.
Wherever he took me, I went. I followed him. I wouldn't have it be any other way. I gave myself up to him last night. Not as in sex, but as in control, I guess. I've never done that. If I have, it would have meant I was giving up.
Carter saved me last night from torture I would have put myself through.
But I still feel guilty. Don't get me wrong. I can't be that big of a bitch, can I? I'm not a whore, okay? I don't sleep with another man and feel fine with it. I know that this is what I needed. I needed this man, yeah. How many times have I said it? But, it gives me no right to do it anyway. I know that it would only take a few words to Luka to make it okay. For example, "I think we should see other people." Or, more blunt, which I would never use, "I'm in love with Carter."
Ha. I would *never* use that with Luka.
He stirs next to me. I'm so glad that he's waking up. In a way, it's disappointing because I was enjoying watching him sleep. But now he'll talk to me. And he'll hold me, and kiss me, and make me feel the same way I did last night.
In the midst of all guilt, I felt like a person. A real person. And a feeling I've never felt before...
"Morning."
I sigh, closing my eyes. My naked body is pressed against his. His hand strokes my back, as the other rests on my thigh. My hands are lying innocently still on his bare chest. My face is close to his neck now, resting slightly under his chin. His lips are softly touching my forehead.
I *never* want this moment to end.
"Morning," I mirror, my voice locked in that tone. That happy tone. How often does a genuinely happy Abby Lockhart make a visit?
His lips press against my warm skin again. His lips are cool, kind, inviting... Perfect. I breathe out against his neck, hoping he'll just keep kissing me. Truly, I believe this man can kiss problems away. He makes me forget the bad stuff for a while. Some say that's a bad thing. For me, its everything I need right now.
"How are you feeling?"
And he knows what I'm going to say. He stops his kissing, but his lips are still positioned in the same spot. I wonder what he'll do next, when I tell him how I feel. And why.
"I feel two things," I murmur against him. "I feel bad, and I feel wonderful."
He nods, and kisses my forehead again. "Tell me."
I can't suppress feelings. There's no way.
So I kiss his neck. Nothing huge. I lazily kiss him from an easy space. I don't even move my face. There's no need. My eyes are still closed, hoping to block every other thought out. As long as this man is lying next to me, I don't need my eyes. They're my second mind, bringing everything back.
"I don't have affairs," I whisper. "I'm not that kind of person."
Once again, he holds back on the kisses and listens. Stops and listens.
"But," I say to his skin, even quieter than the last comment, "this feels so right."
He nods. To my surprise. I think.
"It does."
I tilt my head slightly, letting it fall back onto the pillow. Barely. I look up at him, my eyes dragging and my frown clear. "You think so?"
He leans forward and begins to kiss me again. God, I can't believe this. "Yeah," he answers, his lips lingering on my collarbone.
I sigh in sheer pleasure. Make it go away, I pray. Make everything go away.
"What am I supposed to do next?"
He lets his face lay into my neck. "What do you think?"
I bite my lip as he starts kissing and caressing my neck again. I don't want him to stop, ever. I can't feel half of my body. "I don't know." His lips are starting up my jaw. They're burning. "I want to be with you."
Lips an inch away from mine. Tracing my skin. Making their way toward mine.
I slide my head to the side slightly, because I can't wait any longer. I won't. I have to kiss this man. It's a hunger. So I do. And it feels amazing. He doesn't want to quit, and neither do I. We move together. It's our own dance. All our own.
When we part, his lips make their way down to my neck again. And further down. My body freezes, as I know what's coming next.
Evidently, I'm wrong. He returns to my face.
"I'm not going to do this if you're not okay with it," he says quietly, slightly backing away from me. I already miss him. His comfort. I don't want to be even this far away from him when I know I don't have to be.
I'm still looking down. I tell him, "I feel awful. But I need to be with you."
"You're okay with doing this?"
"I can't not do it," I say. I fear that I'm sounding so bad. I know I am. "I'll break up with Luka. I'll do it all. Just don't leave me today."
He stares at me for a little while. His eyes are slowly taking me from sanity. I don't want to look away. I might feel too guilty to look back. Why isn't guilt stopping me?
Then his eyes tear away and he pulls me closer, one swift moment with one hand. Immediately, we choose to meet in another kiss. I hide a smile safely, but it's entirely what I feel right now. His hands make their way to my thighs again and caress them softly. It's not fair. This is so wrong, and so right. Cliché. I know.
Once again, those lips travel firmly from my neck to my chest. My head comes back a little as he kisses there. I can't imagine it any other way. The weird thing is that I can't suffocate the pounding of my heart in my ears. Its not a suspenseful beating, its an easy beating. It's soothing.
And I can hear his, too.
I'm that close to him.
I wonder if he can hear mine. I think to ask him, but I don't want to interrupt him. Whatever he's doing feels so good. Better than most things I've felt before.
I reach up, taking my hand away from his chest. My fingers graze the soft short of his hair. His mouth feels so right against me, as mine against him. I think that if I close my eyes, and wish hard enough, it can just be me and him and my head for a while.
Wow. It just hit me. I haven't thought of Luka for a while.
There's a step forward.
Help me.
"How do you do it?"
It was just a mumbling in his hair. I spoke without thinking. I didn't realize he would hear. Not that it matters. I'm not afraid of him hearing it.
"Do what?" he asks between two kisses.
"Make me feel like myself," I breathe.
He stops. "I didn't do that."
"Yes you did," I say, almost enthusiastically. I'm breathing kind of harder now. "You do everything. I told you, Carter, you fix it - "
"Shh," he soothes me. I stop getting so harshly excited. I recognize how loud I was and no in apology and consent. He looks up and runs a hand through my hair. I close my eyes again. Please don't ever let this end, God. Please, please, please...
I reach up and kiss him. Whether it's soft or hard, I can't tell. I just kiss him, and he immediately kisses me back. I want to cry right now. Every aspect of life that I've been complaining about for the last years of my life is being altered dramatically. In the most wonderful way.
How does he do it?
His hands are all over my naked body. I don't shudder anymore. I'm hungry for him. I want more to come. I want it to come soon. And I don't want it to end.
