No, Abby. You're still not sure, evidently. I'm wandering up the same avenue, looking for a trace of anything that will help this feeling. Particularly, alcohol would be nice. Alcohol. The toxin to my blood. Perfect for a night like this with feelings to match.
When I left Luka's apartment, I was half-awake. Partially conscious and barely sane. I had literally just walked out of the apartment. Not even considering what Luka would think. A damn note wouldn't make any difference.
As dumbly blank as I felt, I knew that what I *wanted* to do was wrong. I wanted to fall against Carter's body and drift away. I had never known this raw feeling before. All other times, I possibly wanted sex rather than anything else. Tonight, it didn't matter. I just want arms around me, and someone to tell me that I am worth it. I need Carter. Bad.
That's why I'm such a bad person. I don't know what to do. I hate looking down at my feet, one foot after the other. If someone could do this for me... if.
My life is a chaotic hell. Every flame leaps about my very being in a taunting, lifeless manner. I hate them all. And I can't feel myself standing here. I could barely be aware of myself if I were crying. Sometimes it hurts that badly. Sometimes it stings that badly.
And sometimes I want to die. That seems to gather every thought in my mind back to existence. Really, who would miss me? Luka? Well, it doesn't matter. I wouldn't feel guilty because I wouldn't be alive. I think Carter would miss me. And my mother might go insane if I left her. But she wouldn't be my problem anymore. She'd be someone else's. No more constant fears would torment my mind. I'd be free. And dead.
All I want to do now is get off of this street. I wish my home was in front of me, but its not. Its a million blocks the other way now. Its too late to turn around. Unfortunately, and decidedly coincidentally something else is standing in my way. A bar. Just what I need.
I want to reach ten meters in front of me and open the door. Step into the dim room, smoke hovering around me, and ask someone for a drink. They don't know me in there, so they can't refuse me. They don't know that I shouldn't drink, that I cannot drink.
Why am I so vulnerable, and so weak?
I remind myself that I'm neither. Look at how strong I am.
Pssht. Strong? Nothing of the sort. My two selves will fight forever. Its not even fair, really.
I'm not going to a bar. I can't. I owe it to myself. If I go to Carter's apartment, will he let me in? If I walk up to his door, how will he really act? No one has any idea how badly I want to get into him, his feelings and his heart. His soul. I want him to make love to me. Not have sex with me, but to make love to me. I don't care what anyone says. Tonight, I don't want to feel guilty. I want to enjoy myself and love myself. I want to feel good tonight.
Most likely, Carter will not do these things to me. He knows that its wrong. But I want him to.
And, I think he will let me inside. Why would he turn me away? At least he'll take me home.
I feel rotten because suddenly I know that I want to make love to him. Why is it all about sex now?
My phone rings. I stop in my tracks and scramble in my shoulder bag. I pick up the device and hold it to my ear. Sleepily, I answer: "Hello?"
"Abby?"
"Luka." Damn it. Stop invading my thoughts.
"Where are you?"
"I didn't feel good," I announce slowly. "I left you a note."
"Where are you?" he asks again. "I called your apartment and you didn't pick up."
I sigh and put a hand to my sweating face. "Um, I unplugged it. I felt terrible."
"Oh," he whispers. "Well, I'm sorry for waking you up."
"Oh," I perk up lazily. "I was awake. Getting a drink. Don't worry about it."
There's quiet between us.
"I have to leave."
"What?" I ask. Someone on the street bumps into me and mumbles a "move."
"I'll be in Minnesota for a week."
I groan. "What for?"
"Meeting up with some friends."
"For a whole?"
"Its a big deal," he speaks. "I haven't seen them for a while, and - "
"Well," I ask, "when are you leaving?"
"I was going to leave tomorrow," he says slightly louder. "But since you aren't here, I thought I'd leave tonight. But if you're sick, I want to be with you."
"No," I say at once. I surprise myself. How awful must I sound? "I'm fine. I'll probably be in work tomorrow. Just a little nausea. That's all."
Another sigh. This is why I don't like Luka. Sometimes he just doesn't care, and sometimes he doesn't talk. In relationships, I am supposed to connect with someone else. Its not working that way. There's my reason. I'll break up with him one day.
Soon, I hope.
I remember Carter's distant words. Is he still waiting for me? Well, what would have changed his mind in a matter of hours.
Its a good thing I'm not in that bar.
"Then, would you mind if I left tonight?"
" 'Course not, have fun," I say. I pray that I don't sound as stubborn as I feel I would. "See you in two weeks."
"Are you mad?"
"I'm sick Luka," I fight. "I'm sorry if I don't sound like myself."
More silence. Good God.
"Alright," he mumbles. "Bye."
The phone clicks almost immediately. I can't believe my luck. I think. Selfish me, I feel intrigued. I feel like I can go to Carter now and we can do whatever we want to. See how selfish? Extremely.
I don't care. Like I said, whatever happens tonight is for me. And if it so happens with Carter, than its for the both of us. I feel like tonight I could use some of that. I could use it anytime.
It hits me that hard. I want him more than anything right now. More than alcohol, more than Luka, more than anything. Anything. At all.
I pick up my pace. I'm in front of his building in no time. Each foot steps in front of the other again. I can see straighter, and I can feel what's going on in my mind. I think that's happiness. I'm not completely dull and depressed. I've been happy before. Its just been a long time before I've been somewhat excited. I don't know if 'excited' is the right word.
I don't hesitate to knock on the door. I want inside. Very much. If he's not home, I'll lie in his bed.
He opens in a minute. I don't knock loudly, so he shouldn't have answered in the first place. How did he hear me? I wonder.
"Abby," he says in surprise.
"Hi."
"Are you okay?"
I stare at him and shake my head, no. He puts out his hand. My heart drops as I take it and he leads me inside. I sigh with pleasure as I follow him in, and he sits me down on the couch. I put down my bag and stare up at him.
He asks me why I'm there. I expected him to ask me this. I tell him that I need him again. He sits down and looks at me. I don't know who is supposed to talk now. Me? Is it my turn?
I tell him Luka's not here. He asks why, and I tell him of our conversation over the phone. I explain to him that Luka won't be there for another two weeks. He sits again while I tell him that I want to be with him. He says again that I have to do something about our situation if I want to be with him. He tells me, "I've already told you that."
I shake my head violently, my gasping breath catching in my throat. I tell him I want him now. That I want to be with him right now. I cannot wait another two weeks. It strikes me that I haven't even asked Luka where I can reach him. I tell this, too, to Carter.
"Do you want to be with me, really?" Carter asks. "Do you know what you want?"
I nod vigorously. "I want to be with you," I say, my hand finding his way to the surface of his chest. He sees how broken I am. I keep my hand there. I don't want him to stop talking to me. I don't want him to shut me out.
"I'll leave Luka," I whisper, my voice raspy. "When he gets back. Right away, I'll tell him. Just be with me, please Carter."
"Abby - "
"No, Carter, please," I say. My voice is dead in plead. I need this man and he knows it.
He looks deeply at me. I want this to happen. I'm one hundred percent sure. A hundred and one, if that abides by my rules. He's not even blinking. I wonder what he's thinking. Why won't he just swoop in and kiss me?
I ask him. I'm stupid, I'm very stupid for asking him, but I do. "Can you kiss me?"
He just stares at me and nods. "I want to, too."
I nod nervously, my eyebrows pressing down. He initiates it, because I could never. He leans in and I close my eyes when our lips meet. The heat rises, I swear it does. I can feel every fiber in my body melt away and every hair stand on end. My hands climb about his body, caressing him without thinking. His hands rest on my thighs and I want to fall away to him. I want to surrender my body to him and let him win.
He leans onto me, pushing me down onto the couch. I don't hold back. Instead, I invite this man to do this to me. I enjoy this, I know I do. His lips are pressed against mine in the gentlest manner. But its not tender anymore.
We're aggressive, taking each other with action. His hands are moving about my body. They're behind me. Moving up my back. God, they're on my skin. They're crawling up my back. How does he do that? How does he do this?
I slip my hands under his clothes. I won't let him do it, and I'm not allowed to. I want to take this somewhere else.
Its awful, I know. But I can resist him tonight. I'm messed up, I know, but I need him.
I pull off his shirt and await his reaction. He leaves it alone, shrugging off the shirt quickly. He slowly makes his way back to me. He reaches for bottom of my shirt and I know that for once, something's going to happen to me.
I'm not sure what I feel while my clothes begin to come off. But in the moments that follow, I'm okay.
