The story of my life. Why has every relationship ended with a pointing finger at me? Richard thought so at least. It was all my fault because I was so confused. I was traveling that road quite aimlessly, evidently.
Relationships just aren't my thing, I guess. Sad thing is, everyone's gotta be in one sooner or later. And I want to be in one. Nobody wants to be in one with me, though. Wrong. Luka Kovac and John Carter. They don't mind me that much, do they?
God, I remember three years ago when I first saw the two of them. As I had said, I was looking for change. I was recently a divorcee and putting myself through med school. I was sober. I was good. I could start over. No more of anything in my way. I was new to life, kind of. Fresh start, as they say.
So I asked Dr. Kovac out. Why not? The basic European heartthrob. He's handsome. To sound like a teen: he's hot. I'm not going to lie about it, or ignore it. He's damn good looking. He's gorgeous. He's tall, dark... everything a woman wants, but never finds.
Well, if I find it, I'm going to do my best to go out and get it. Who's stopping me?
I think I met Carter on my first day. It was a little chaotic down there, so all I really saw of him was a short acquaintance. Once again, I won't lie. He's handsome as well. But in a different way. He's cute, he's adorable. He's got that boyish charm and that loving, and darling little smile that makes you weak. And his eyes were deep. And brown. Something I love.
And he was nice. So sweet, as a matter of fact. Was there any attraction there? We'd only just met. I knew who he was, I knew he was a fantastic doctor. He knew I was a med student. Other than that, we barely saw each other. It's a big department, you know.
So, basically it came down to cute, adorable grins versus deep, dark European muscles. Or something like it. My fresh start, I guess, included everything European.
Now that I look back at it, I wonder why I went for Luka. I didn't really know either of them, but I found Carter much more attractive in a reality sense.
But that's not the way it went. I ended up here with Luka. Another funny thing: our relationship didn't even start out so strongly. It barely ever kicked off. I think I asked him out and after that we just stayed together. We stayed together just because and we slept together and talked and all of that. That was our relationship.
And we're still here.
I wonder if I was looking for a new start, why I ended up like this. I didn't want this dead-end deal. Its another Richard. Something I really don't want. But I find myself not able to break away. Because he's safe.
Because he's safe.
That was my old excuse.
Well, its more complex. Or maybe just lengthy. At first, yes, I was attracted to Luka. That's why I asked him out, and that's why I stayed with him. Obviously, I later developed that feeling for Carter. It was after I helped him. It was evident that I was flirtatious with this man, and that he was equally teasing with me. That banter. I *loved* that banter.
So, after a while, I knew that I wanted to be with him. I just didn't realize it... or something.
But when I came around and found out what feelings I was dealing with, I knew that this was more than a young crush. I was kind of serious about him. So I stayed with Luka for that very reason. I knew that if we ever got involved, judging on my record, we wouldn't work. I knew that it probably wouldn't be so fling-ish if we got together, too, so I didn't want him to lose as a friend. It was too good the way it was.
So how stupid was I? Very.
Honestly, I want to be with him. I'm still scared that it won't work if we do happen to get together. I feel I have to try sooner or later though. Its unfinished business in my former life. Oh, believe me. That's not how I feel. I feel like... well, it hurts. I need to be with him.
God, my thoughts are drifting back to the moment in the lounge. Do you know how long I felt things like that? How long I've felt like I was important? Luka can be a saint sometimes, he really can. But Carter fits. His hands fit in mine, his arms encircle my waist in the perfect manner. And, oh, his lips fit me so well.
I hate myself for what I did. I "cheated" on Luka. As if it were a game. I "cheated."
My life is a game. One big game. And, boy am I losing.
Hmm. I wonder. If my life were a movie, would it be a tearjerker? Or... what else could it be. I can think of any other types of film. Kung fu. Yeah, that helps. Romance. Romance? Romance.
Yeah, in the twisted romantic way. With who? I'd be cheap in that movie.
I don't want to think about this anymore. I hate thinking of things like this. Why do I analyze so much?
Why do I care so much?
Why don't I care?
Why do I act so much?
Why can't I just figure things out? No one deserves this. No one deserves any of it. Its sickening, its not fair, and its unreal.
I wish... I wonder when life got so complicated. Life is meant to be complicated. I already know that. But, since when is the whole so complex? I mean, my life is a dancing hell, wicked to an extreme and of the same profanity. I don't understand why my world revolves differently. Why are people genuinely cursed in the first place anyway?
I don't mind, I guess. If something already is happening to me, there's not much I can do to change it, now is there? I'm not giving up. I know that I can't change these things, but I can make myself happier. And I know how to do that. And I know how to get that. So I don't know why I'm complaining *still.*
If I weren't with Luka, things would be a hell of a lot easier. I know I'm the only person who's making me upset here. All I have to do is break things off. No one's forcing me to stay in this relationship. I keep telling myself, I keep telling myself that.
Why am I so troubled? I want to live in a world where I discuss insane political campaign commercials. You know, the ones that host the stupid arguments. The ones that attack something completely irrelevant, hoping desperately for a vote from people. *Those* crazy commercials.
That's what I want. Those are the kind of conversations I want to live through. I'll take the boring lifestyle. Go ahead and give it to me, please. I will gladly take the offer. Don't you see my hand waving in the air?
My feet are cold.
Oh, Abby. Shut up and stop complaining.
Life could be worse, I tell myself. It could. In the stupid way, I couldn't have a friend like Carter. Come on, I say. Cliché, but true. I still need this man.
In a way, more than ever.
But I've said that a lot now.
If I'm so fixed on it, I must wonder again why I'm so lazy about fetching that dream of mine. I'm seriously going to do something about it. Soon. I can't live this life, or this lie anymore. Not only is it unfair to me, because I'm standing still, but because I'm keeping this man in my lie. Two men, but mostly Luka.
We've had our moments where we're awful together. Aside the rest of the time. At times, I couldn't believe what a jerk he was to me. Oh, lets be solid: what a bastard he was to me. And I'm sure there were times when I was a bitch. But he still cares about me. I'm sure.
But we don't care enough about the other.
Which is kind of sad. I wish I cared about him more, but I don't want to. Its more like I wish I was nicer to him. I don't want to be with him. It doesn't matter. I need Carter...
I've only just exited Luka's apartment. Too make this story any more typical, you'd have to give me something to fight. Something simple and oddly symbolic. A chilled Chicago night with that brisk wind hitting my chin.
Give me that, and my night is disappointingly complete.
I still pull my attire around me though. Tightly. I want to hide from the rest of the world. I feel like every eye is staring straight into my body, invading every thought, detesting every feeling and removing every sense left.
Yes, that's the truth.
I don't know why I think everyone's my enemy. They aren't. Some people are my friends, and some people want to be with me. At least one person does. And I'm crazy about him. But I'm the only obstacle in our way.
Doesn't it just sound stupid, though? Two people want something that badly and half the equation is shutting out the rest.
She's still unsure about herself.
Fool.
Isn't she, though?
I need help.
I need him.
Ask me why. I changed my mind. Go ahead and ask me.
You asked, you get an answer.
We're perfect for each other. Am I the only one that sees that? I hope not. I'm sure he notices. He kissed me. And he kissed me like I mattered more than anything. Like he cared that much. Like he had to have me then and there. And I had to have him. So it works.
Its a steady puzzle.
If I had my decision, my way of life, I'd be married to him by now with three healthy kids. Two girls, one boy. I'd be in a big apartment somewhere in Chicago, living off of our County salaries. Yeah, I still love being a nurse. That is still who I am.
I'm Nurse Abby Lockhart. My stethoscope and scrubs do the duties.
And Carter. My Doctor Carter with his stethoscope and scrubs. See? We're a perfect match. I told you.
Luka wears a tie.
[Part 4]
