TITLE: Undertow.
AUTHOR: Collie.
EAMIL: collie@blar.org
SUMMARY: Angel and Angelus have a little chat.
RATING: R. Language.
FEEDBACK: It's what makes the world go 'round.
SPOILERS: Post 'Reunion', but nothing after that.
DISTRIBUTION: YGTS? and Through My Eyes. Anyone else, just let me know.
DISCLAIMER: Angel and Angelus belong to Joss.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is an answer to Challenge #40 at You Got the Stones? (http://bastardgenres.com/bafa/stones.html) The songs are The songs are "Undertow" and "4 Degrees" by Tool. [http://home.dencity.com/tucknroll37/challyr.html]" Backslash ( / ) indicates Angel. Forwardslash ( \ ) indicates Angelus.
DEDICATION: To Kat.


/gone under two times
I've been struck dumb
by a voice that
speaks from deep
beneath the cold black water/

I can't seriously be considering what I think I might be considering. This is madness. I *know* it's not the only way.. but I haven't been tempted like this in..

I don't want to join them. I know that much. But.. then why? Why did I allow them to slaughter those humans? Sure, they were lawyers, and anyone would say that doesn't really count.. but it does. This can only work against me. I must fix this.

Can I fix this?

\Get up and free yourself from yourself
Locked up inside you
like the calm beneath castles
is a cavern of treasures
that no one has been to
Let's go digging\

Please.

Give me some credit.

Have I ever lied to you? No. The truth.. that's where all the fun is, boy.

You know that you belong with your sire and your childe more than you do with these humans. You know they'll make you feel more whole and complete than you have in over a century. You know there's really no point in trying to continue down this rocky road to redemption. The Oracles are gone. That should be a sign. You basically encouraged the deaths of a roomful of humans - and who's to say that maybe even one or two of them weren't *completely* evil?

You've done a bad, bad thing. You should just let go.

We both know you're almost there. This can't be easy for you. Leave this place. Let them take you away. It's always easier in the long run to just give in. We both know that. Everyone knows that.

/It's twice as clear as heaven
and twice as loud as reason
It surrounds and drowns and sweeps me away/

I'm scared.

I really don't like it when you start to make sense. I can't have this doubting myself. I can't. I doesn't fly. I don't like it - not one little bit.

You tear me in two. I know how easy it would be to just give in. You know I know, and you're not helping. No, why should you? You've never helped me. You never have and you never will. We are *not* the same. No matter what you say.

We're not. We're not.

\Lay back and let me show you another way
I'll kill what you want me to
take what's left and eat it
Take all or nothing
Life's just too short to push it away
You won't feel what you'd like to feel
Lay back and let me show you another way\

Let me out, boy. I want out. It's been too long.

It's getting harder for you, isn't it? I saw what you did. You dismissed your motley crew of human flunkies. Don't tell me that's not a sign. You rid yourself of human influence - I know what you want. Without them around, you're free to be you. The *real* you.

Me.

You and I both know it's the only true way to rid this place of Darla and Drusilla. They won't listen to you, but they *will* listen to me. Let me out, and I'll take them away. Your friends will be safe. Believe me. I'd never lie to you.

I promise.

Let me out and we'll leave this place. We'll take them away and your friends will be safe. Safe from them. Safe from you. You trust me..

Right?

/shut up shut up shut up shut up
you're saturating me
I've been baptized by your voice
it screams from deep
beneath the endless water
and it's half as high as heaven
and half as clear as reason/

God help me, but I know you're right. I also know that I'm no fool. Of course you wouldn't lie to me - but you would betray me. We know all the games, don't we? All the tricks and loopholes. Hell, we invented some of them ourselves.

We could save this city, then bring it to it's knees.

I.. I don't know what do do. Oh, God.. I'm starting to think like you. We are *not* the same. Leave me alone. Get out of me.

I'm scared.

\If you knock me down
I'll come back running
knock you down
Give in now and let me in
You'll like this\

I know you are. That's why it's my turn.

You really think you can help *anyone* in the shape you're in? You're coming apart. You'll fuck up. Just wait. You'll fuck up and then more innocents will die. All because of you. You're off your game. Everyone knows.

Your thoughts are consumed with her. You're sick with her. She's all you can think about. I don't blame you.

But remember yourself, and remember what she is now. She's no longer the innocent mortal you longed to protect. She's just like me again. You can be with her. Just let me out. You want this.

Do you honestly think all of this shansu bullshit is real? Mortality. What is the point?

They're weak. Insipid. They're like parasites. Pathetic. They will be the downfall of this planet. Not demons. Not evil. Humans. They've already set it on it's path to destruction. There's nothing anyone can do now but to let them kill it and themselves off so the world can take itself back. But we'll still be here. So you see what you're protecting night after night. A plague of beings worse than any demon. And you think you're doing the right thing.

In the end, all you're doing is helping them destroy themselves.

And in the end, they'll destroy you.

No matter what you tell yourself.. no matter what anyone tells you.. no matter how much good you think you're doing.. you're still me, and I am evil. You are me.

We are evil.

/Why don't you kill me
I'm weak and numb
and insignificant
and I'm back on my knees
I'm helpless and awake
in the undertow/

I..

No.

That can't be true. It just .. it can't.

I don't understand why any of this is happening. I don't understand why I keep fighting.. if this is true.

\Come on
You can take it all
Just like that\

Stop thinking. Let me out. You're tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of pretending.

You can rest, now.

Just let me out.

/I'll die within your undertow/

Yes.

I can rest now. I can let you out.

\Give in now and let me in\

That's my boy.

/It seems there's no other way
out of this undertow/