Terrafirma and the 9 All Saints

 BY MARTINE

Based on that well known fairytale Snow White and the 7 dwarfs.

Once upon a time in a faraway Kingdom, the earth Queen, expectant with child, sat down amongst the long, lush blades of green and gazed at the valley below her resting in the afternoon sun. The breeze played gently with her long dark tresses and as she breathed in the sweet scents that hung in the air, she rested a hand on her growing belly and felt totally at one with the earth. Looking up at the wide open sky she made a wish to the earth gods, ‘Give me a daughter with eyes the blue of a summer sky, with hair the colour of autumn’s leaves, with a heart that can warm sad souls in winter and a disposition like this spring day – tender and blooming. 

And her wish was granted.  The Queen gave birth to a daughter and named her Terrafirma (which meant ‘firm ground’), but called her Terri for short.  Not long after, the Queen died and a year later the earth King remarried.  He married a Rose.  The Rose family were renowned for their thorns, and his new wife, Bi-polar was no exception.   The new Queen was incredibly vain and every morning she looked into her magic mirror and called, ‘Mirror, mirror on the wall…’  Von, the face of Honesty, appeared in the mirror and the Queen asked,  ‘Von, who is fairest of us all?’  To which Von replied, ‘Thou, Queen Bi-polar art the fairest of all.’  Queen Bi-polar was quite happy for she knew Von always spoke the truth.  

But Terri was growing more beautiful every day and the time came when, Von replied to Queen Bi-polar’s usual question with, ‘You art fair, Queen Bi-polar, but Terri is beautiful.

Queen Bi-polar flew into a fit of rage and turned every shade of green with jealousy.  Her malice and jealousy grew until her heart was choked and she called a huntsman and his apprentice to her.  ‘’Take the child out into the woods and never let me see her face again.  You must kill her and bring me back her lungs and heart, so I may know for certain she is dead.’

She called Terri to go with the huntsmen.  Upon seeing her the young apprentice gasped, Terri’s beauty took his breath away.  Ben pulled his young apprentice aside and said, ‘Down boy, she’s out of your league; she’s a princess.’  Scott whispered back, ‘I should have been a prince.’  Ben raised his eyes and pushed him along, ‘Come on’, said, Ben, ‘we have our orders.’

Ben’s heart was full of pity for Terri, as he watched her skipping ahead amongst the trees and as the three of them moved deeper and deeper into the forest Ben said to Scott, ‘We cannot kill Terri, she is an earth princess.  If the earth Gods hear of this, they will wreak havoc upon our earth.  The rivers will flood us with tears, the land will quake with anger and the hills will erupt with fury.  We will be thrown into a winter of discontent for only the gods know how long.’  ‘She can live with me’, said Scott, looking hopeful.  ‘Don’t be foolish, boy, she must be taken somewhere beyond the clutches of Bi-polar Rose.’  They walked a little way further and then Ben said, ‘We will take her to see the All Saints.’ 

The All Saints lived deep in the pulse of the forest in cavernous underground dwellings with arteries leading to the heart of the earth.  Rumour had it that All Saints got their mystical healing powers from the earth’s heart.  Their lives were devoted to healing and protecting all beings in dis-ease. To ensure they kept their powers and knowledge safe from corruption and misuse, All Saints mostly lived and worked together, seldom seeking intimate contact with other beings. 

‘How do you know where All Saints live?’ queried Scott.  ‘Traipsing these woods every day, I’ve stumbled upon them’, replied Ben, ‘and got to know one of them quite well.’  ‘How well?’ Scott asked cheekily.  ‘None of your business boy, now hush, we’re almost there.’

He knocked on the door of a grassy mound and smiled at the All Saint who opened the door.  ‘Hello Bron’, said Ben, ‘we need your help.’ Nympho Bron, upon seeing Terri motioned for them all to come in.  She introduced them to the other eight All Saints, all dressed in blue and white, sitting around the table and then Ben explained Queen Bi-polar’s orders to them.  Kind Kylie shook her head in dismay at what she heard and said, ‘Of course she must stay here, she’ll be safe.’  The others nodded in agreement.  Rational Charlotte looked at Terri and said, ‘But you must stay inside, one day your step mother is bound to find out where you are.’  ‘True’, said Thoughful Rebecca.  ‘How?’ asked Dopey Paula.  ‘Secrets are hard to keep in this Kingdom,’ said Nympho Bron, glancing at Ben.  Funny Matt got down on one knee before Terri and taking her hand said, ‘Matthew, my lady, at your devoted service and he kissed her hand.’  Terri looked at him bemused.  Leader Luke smiled.  Bossy Nelson told him to get up and go and prepare some food for Terri.  Grumpy Jared just watched.   Ben and Scott bade a tearful Terri farewell and returned to the Queen with the heart and lungs of a wild boar, they shot on their way back.  Queen Bi-polar had the heart and lungs stewed in salt and she ate them with glee, thinking that was the end of Terri.

One day, the Queen wanting to hear the voice of Honesty tell her how beautiful she was stepped in front of the mirror again and asked with confidence:  ‘Mirror, mirror on the wall?’  Von’s face appeared before the Queen.  ‘You again!’ said Von with disinterest, taking a drag on her cigarette.  The Queen ignored Von’s tone and said:  ‘Who is the fairest of them all?’  Von replied, ‘You are fair, Bi-polar Rose, ‘tis true, but Terri is more beautiful still.  Terri who dwells with the All Saints is ten times more fair than you.’

When the Queen heard these words, she was struck dumb with horror.  So, the huntsmen had deceived her and Terri was alive!  Damn, if she wanted something done, she’d have to do it herself?  Well, she’d fix Terri once and for all.  Her jealous heart left her no rest and her eyes turned a glowing green as she pondered day and night until she had devised a plan.

Some days later, Queen Bi-polar, dressed as a fruit seller woman went to the hospital pretending she was sick.  Grumpy All Saint Jared tended to her.  As he took her blood pressure, she said, in a quiet voice, ‘I’ll give you a million gold coins if you give me a fatal potion from your stores.  Grumpy Jared, looked at her taken aback but suddenly his head was filled with delusions of grandeur and he agreed.

The next day, Queen Bi-polar, dressed as a fruit seller again, paid Terri a visit.  She knocked on the door of the All Saints house with her apple filled basket.  Terri popped her head out the window and upon seeing such red apples with snow white flesh, her face lit up with delight and she bought 10; one for herself and one each for the All Saints for dessert that night.  ‘The Queen wanting her dead instantly, not later that night, said, ‘Here, have this one at no charge, so you can enjoy the sweet taste now.’  Terri thanked her and took a bite.  Within seconds she fell to the ground unconscious.  The Queen, laughed her evil laugh and walked off feeling smug, saying, ‘Now who’s the fairest of all!’

When the All Saints got home, and found Terri unconscious, they fell into instant emergency procedure, but nothing they did revived Terri.  Suddenly Grumpy Jared saw the half eaten apple and went pale, ‘Oh, no!’ he exclaimed.  ‘What?  What is it?’ demanded Leader Luke.  Grumpy Jared explained, about the demands of the woman the previous day.  ‘You fool’, said Nympho Bron, ‘What did you give her?’  ‘I didn’t give her a fatal potion, I gave her a sleeping potion,’ said Jared, but if she’s used all of it, then…then…  ‘Terri could sleep for 100 years,’ finished Kind Kylie woefully.  They all looked at Terri, so beautiful and peaceful on the bed.  ‘There must be something we can do, apart from kicking Jared into the next Kingdom’, said Matt, sitting next to Terri and stroking her autumn coloured hair.  ‘There must be an antidote’, said Rational Charlotte, ‘I need to go into the earth’s heart to find it’.  ‘I’ll go with you’, said Nympho Bron and they rushed off.

They arrived back the next day and the other All Saints crowded around them.  ‘Did you find out what the antidote is?’ asked Bossy Nelson.  ‘Rational Charlotte nodded and looked at Bron, who said with despair, ‘We need to find her soulmate.  His kiss is the only thing that will wake her up.’  ‘Her soul mate? said Leader Luke, that’s like looking for a needle in a hay stack!’  ‘Hold on, guys’, interrupted Thoughtful Rebecca, ‘the voice of Honesty might be able to help us’.  ‘I’ll get the mirror’, said Dopey Paula, running off. Funny Matt leant down and kissed Terri on the lips.  ‘What are you doing?’ questioned Grumpy Jared.  ‘Process of elimination, mate’, Funny Matt winked. ‘It could be worth a try’, said Luke, and he and the other men lined up to kiss Terri.  ‘Her soul mate might be a woman’, said Charlotte, we’d all better kiss her.’   Dopey Paula returned with a mirror and said, ‘Mirror, mirror, on the wall…’  Von appeared.  ‘Von’, said Leader Luke, ‘does Terri, the earth princess have a soul mate in the Kingdom?’  Von nodded.  ‘Yes, indeed she does.’  ‘Who is it?’ asked Bossy Nelson.  ‘You know soul mates must find each other’, said Von.  ‘Well once we introduce them, they will find each other’, exclaimed Funny Matt.  Leader Luke, gave Matt a stern look.  ‘Von, this is an emergency, Queen Bi-polar has tried to kill Terri the earth princess and she will sleep for 100 years unless we can find her soul mate.  The earth gods will throw the earth into stormy darkness unless we can save her.  Von nodded, took a drag on her cigarette, blew out the smoke and said, ‘He is the All Saints Prince, Mitchimus.  She will always be safe with him.  And the gods know he needs a firm hand’, added Von as her image disappeared from the mirror.

‘Matt, send out word that we require Prince Mitchimus immediately’, ordered Leader Luke.  Funny Matt nodded and ran off.  The others took it in turns to monitor Terri’s wellbeing.  Two days later Funny Matt arrived back with the All Saints Prince.

Mitchimus entered the room where Terri slept.  Funny Matt and the other eight All Saints stood watching.  ‘Mitchimus gasped as his gaze fell upon the sleeping princess, ‘Many a night has she visited my dreams’.  ‘Ours too’, all the men muttered under their breaths.  Mitch sat on the bed beside Terri’s prostate form and kissed her gently on the lips.  Terri stirred.  ‘Try it again a bit firmer this time’, said Leader Luke.  Mitchimus gave Terri another kiss, this time firm and lingering.  He sat back.  Terri opened her eyes.  ‘I felt the earth move’, she said, ‘What’s happened?’ she asked, looking at a sea of faces staring at her.  Her eyes met Mitchimus’ and suddenly she felt beautiful and naked, she blushed.  The All Saints explained what had happened and introduced Mitchimus to her.  He looked into the depths of her sky blue eyes and was captivated and exhilarated by her soul.  The All Saints gave each other knowing looks.

Word soon spread that Queen Bi-polar had tried to kill Terri and Prince Mitchimus and the All Saints made sure she was locked into a padded cell and given potions until such time that her jealousy was cured.

Terri, the earth princess and Mitchimus the All Saints prince moved into the earth palace and lived happily ever after.